Please don't judge me for this

[aeme]

PDQ bigtime!

I have no where else to turn to, and quite honestly right now I'm just looking to keep myself occupied. I was going to post this on the Recovery board because that's really where it should go, but this board is so much more active, and I need to keep busy.

I am sitting here sobbing uncontrollably. Sweating, shivering, kicking my legs, screaming............Fucking opiate withdrawal is...It's worse than hell. I hate my doctor. I hate them for prescribing me bottle after bottle of 30 mg Oxycodone for the last year and a half. I hate all the surgeries and subsequent complications I went through that made the pain medication necessary. I hate (and miss so very much) the nice warm calming feeling that would wash over me after taking the medication. All the pain went away. I could function. I hate the fact that I was a better parent and wife while on my medication because I could actually walk. But I was taking up to 240 mg a day. And because I was taking that much in a day because my tolerance grew so much (and I had a naturally high tolerance to begin with), I've run out 16 days early. Someone shoot me and put me out of my misery. How am I going to get through 16 days? Or I guess the better question is how am I going to stop forever? Because there is no way I can stay on this medication anymore, despite the fact that it was actually helping me. I hate that I have become the thing I've despised all my life

Please don't flame me. I realize I sound like an honest to God street junkie right now. But I couldn't take the flaming. I just don't know what to do right now. How does anyone survive this? How am I going to go to work on Tuesday? And I am too damn afraid of telling anyone IRL because I am so ashamed of myself. Someone help me...

[noodleskooze]

Hugs.

[hi725]

I have had family members with alcohol and pain med addiction. Withdrawal was not pretty. Do you think you need to detox in the hospital? I'm concerned that the sudden drop could make you really ill.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Agree with Suesue. If you want to stop, start now. Get help. At the least they can monitor your withdrawal symptoms.

[littlepeanut]

I'm so sorry. Ditto Sue Sue. They will help there. Hugs

[Kristinmo]

Go get help. You are detoxing and you can't do it alone.

[Deleted]

Call your doctor. They can prescribe meds to help with the symptoms. You're not going to die but the withdrawal is no joke, as you've already figured out. It's not your fault, so don't beat yourself up about it. Are you able to take a sick day or 2 from work?

If you can't get in touch with your doctor, you could go to the ER for symptom management as well. I hope you feel better.

[Jalapeñomel]

www.recovery.org/topics/find-reputable-opioid-and-opiate-recovery-hotline/

[livinitup]

You need support right now. And a safe, monitored detox program. Or at least an informed care giver. You do NOT need to wait-out 16 days to go back on it. You need to get into a program for opiates right now. And you need a REAL pain management program.

So, honey, please do ghis. Don't think about going to work on Tueaday. Get treatment.

[CloudBee]

Please go to the ER. They will give you so much support.

[DotAndBuzz]

You need to go to the ER. Withdrawl and detox cold turkey can get really hard, fast. There is no shame in taking your life back and asking for help.

((((hugs))))

[aeme]

I am so ashamed. I don't want anyone to know. I don't even want my doctor to know I've become addicted or dependant or whatever word is better suited for this. I am so embarrssed. I know thats so stupid

[hisno1girl]

You can call 1-888-249-7292 to find help for opiate addiction.

Also, please, please, call your a doctor tomorrow. A different doctor than the one that's been prescribing you the Oxy. Don't be afraid or ashamed for asking for help. You need help before your life spirals completely out of control.

Im sorry you are going through this.

ETA: After reading other replies, I think you should go to the ER right now. Please do that.

[rosiebear]

I will not judge you; I honestly believe this can happen to anyone.

I'm not sure if this "enforced cold turkey" withdrawal is safe or healthy. Can you call an ER nurse (we have a nurse hotline here; I don't know if that's common) and see what they say? ETA: I see this has been covered; go to the ER.

Your H should be aware and should help you through this. You are in crisis now, so first thing is to get medical attention for that, then figure out a way forward.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[hi725]

This is not your fault! Not even a little bit your fault! Those fucking pills are so highly addictive. You did nothing wrong, this was a chemical taking over for you. Your doctor will not judge you for this, and if he does, I'll come kick his teeth in for you.

[Kristinmo]

There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You recognized a problem and you are trying to fix it.

[pooh8402]

go to the ER. they can help, I promise. they'll help you detox slowly and safely. this is NOTHING to be embarrassed about.

[aeme]

Thanks for the outpour of support. Really. Thank you so much. I really CAN happen to anyone. I've never touched a cigarette in my life, drink only wine occasionally, never smoked weed...But these pills latched on to me hard and fast. I live in an area where the heroin crimes are through the roof. I feel like if I go to the ER they are just going to look at me as just another junkie whos going to walk out and start all over again as soon as she leaves.

[Deleted]

Mar 1, 2015 21:24:37 GMT -5 aeme said:

I am so ashamed. I don't want anyone to know. I don't even want my doctor to know I've become addicted or dependant or whatever word is better suited for this. I am so embarrssed. I know thats so stupid

Don't be embarrassed, I know easier said than done. Your doctor already knows that your body is dependent on these drugs and that you will go through withdrawal when stopping, it's how pharmacology works. So you shouldn't feel ashamed. Chronic pain is no joke and you deserve to go through this with a plan in place. Hugs.

[erbear]

Nothing to judge here. Withdrawal isn't easy and it isn't pretty. Get to the hospital and get yourself well. You can do this.

[nsl]

What you're feeling isn't stupid, and it isn't something you need to go through alone. Please go for help. You know this board is full of people who care, and also full of people who aren't afraid to tell other members the truth if they're overreacting or doing something dumb. You need help. Please get to the ER, or at least call the number His posted. You're not a junkie, and you're not weak for needing assistance in getting over this addiction now.

[Eagles]

Please don't be embarrassed. Opiates are no joke and it is SO easy to become dependent.

And please, please go to the ER. Detoxing at home is not safe. Please.

[Deleted]

It's better to be embarrassed than to die.

Go.

[aeme]

I'm going to call the number now. Thank you so much. If anyone else has any stories of encouragement, please share them. Whether it be about yourself or someone you know. I need to hear that I will survive this.

[JayhawkGirl]

Do not be embarrassed. You've admitted this is beyond your control. That is something to be proud of.

I hope you can tell your husband and get to the ER ASAP to get the clinical help you need right now. And together, you can work out a plan to come off the prescription, manage the pain, and hopefully find a permanent solution moving forward.

Do not be embarrassed. I'm sorry your pain management didn't work and you ended up here. let the professionals help you through this. They've seen it before, and they can help you.

[meemz]

You need help with this and should not be doing this alone. Go to the ER and get the help you need. It may be embarrassing,but trust me the ER docs have seen it all. Especially when it comes to pain meds. Take care of yourself.

[hi725]

Mar 1, 2015 21:32:23 GMT -5 aeme said:

I'm going to call the number now. Thank you so much. If anyone else has any stories of encouragement, please share them. Whether it be about yourself or someone you know. I need to hear that I will survive this.

My husband's cousin struggled with addiction to pain meds for 10 years. Like you, she started taking them for legitimate pain control. The addiction happened so fast. She blew tons of money, and was deathly ill from it. She never wanted to ask for help because she was embarrassed. She is a nurse, so it really can happen to anyone. She got clean last year and is going into her 14th month of being drug free.

[pooh8402]

Mar 1, 2015 21:33:32 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Isn't that triple the maximum recommended dose?

Girl, head to the hospital.. There is no shame in getting help! The strongest people are the ones that ask for help. You don't have to do this alone.

it's the maximum I used to give in the hospital, when I worked on the trauma floor. 30 mg q 3 hr prn severe pain. I took care of so many folks in chronic pain, as well as acute pain from their injuries/surgeries. many of my patients were also on methadone, which is given to those who are addicted to opiates, to help wean them off. methadone is highly controlled, even more so than oxy.

[noodleskooze]

You will survive this.

*poof*

[pooh8402]

Mar 1, 2015 21:34:43 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Mar 1, 2015 21:32:23 GMT -5 aeme said:

I'm going to call the number now. Thank you so much. If anyone else has any stories of encouragement, please share them. Whether it be about yourself or someone you know. I need to hear that I will survive this.

Well, I will tell you that I work in a medical setting with very sick patients. I have heard doctors say 'we are turning this person into an addict'. The doctors are aware, it's not the patient's fault. Pain management is SO difficult.

It needs to become a team approach, maybe you can see a pain management specialist?

ditto this.