OMG, I think I just had a PTSD episode about acid reflux, projectile barfing and milk allergies.
::calls doctor to schedule MH's vasectomy because we're 2 for 2 on babies that have those issues:: I can't ever do that again.
We are 2 for 2 on babies who never sleep and scream all the time unless you are bouncing/waking them just right. For like 7 months straight. Thank god we didn't have reflux too!
Seriously is impacting our decision making on having a third.
I'm lucky that we have child care available so once a month we go out on a date no matter what else is going on. Sometime it's a half hour at Starbucks because we have other stuff going on but even that gives us a break and a chance to be us and not just parents which does amazing things for our marriage.
And naptime on the weekends is our friend.
Also we try to each take a night out with our individual friends once every month. It's amazing how much more "me" I feel after book club or dinner with friends. And I assume it's the same for DH.
OMG, I think I just had a PTSD episode about acid reflux, projectile barfing and milk allergies.
::calls doctor to schedule MH's vasectomy because we're 2 for 2 on babies that have those issues:: I can't ever do that again.
We are 2 for 2 on babies who never sleep and scream all the time unless you are bouncing/waking them just right. For like 7 months straight. Thank god we didn't have reflux too!
Seriously is impacting our decision making on having a third.
Oh God us too...and 20 month DS just figured out how to climb out of crib last night and he's the "roaming" type so now I'm all freaked out about him not going to be contained anymore. There goes some sleep right there!
w/r to the 3rd kid...I would do it if we had a money tree and if I was guaranteed to have one of those "sleeps all the time all night from the night we got home" baby. My track record is not good (4.5 yo DD didn't sleep reliably through until she was over 2 either) and I can't deal with that again. I like being man on man and we're leaning more and more to being done as we are finally emerging from the darkness that is the infant stage...
I love you, momi. You're totally right. My worry is I don't think DH gets that. Does that make sense? He doesn't understand how draining bfing is, how pooped I am, etc. he tries to get it, but he doesn't.
Not to be all sexist, but I think it takes longer for them. They don't have the hormonal cascade we do, which I think helps us a lot.
If you have access to childcare use it! I started to feel more normal when I actually incorporated the things I enjoyed doing back into my life. Meeting up with friends for dinner, date nights, taking an hour in the morning on the weekend to go get coffee and read in peace. I think for a long time I felt like everything required too much effort so I just didn't do stuff. It does require more planning than just getting up and going, but it is so worth it.
YES, yes, yes.
You need time off from parenting, whether it's just for you, or you and DH. It makes things so much better when you get a break. I'm preaching to myself about this b/c I get stuck in the daily rut and almost never go out unless someone else makes my plans for me. I really need to be more proactive about getting a babysitter and finding something to do, bi-weekly at least. Even just spending a few hours away from my kids makes me feel so much more eager to parent them. I'm a way better mom after I've had some breaks. Otherwise I just get burned out and end up letting them watch tv all morning. The first few months are by far the hardest IMO, so it will only get easier for you to find time to get away.
*Hugs* Hang in there, and everyone is right. It does get better, but its soooo hard to see that light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
First, have a heart-to-heart with your husband about your concerns and feelings; how difficult it is to function with poor quality of sleep. Something that can do wonders, is having him to deal with the baby every day at certain times, so you can take an uninterrupted nap or bath or shower. You'd be surprised how that small amount of time can refresh you! In fact, maybe after the baby is fed, he can do the rest of the night-time routine (bath, bed, story) while you can some down-time to yourself.
Second, everyone is right with taking advantage of childcare. Something, that was a HUGE life-saver was that we established a routine of "date-night" ever since we were married. We specifically set a day where we intentionally focused on each other. Sometimes that meant going out and sometimes that meant staying in. However, we made sure to do something that we both enjoyed. With your busy schedule, maybe you will need to decided week-to-week, which day to make your date night, but trust me--it is worth it.
Post by cookiemdough on Aug 9, 2012 12:58:04 GMT -5
I don't think I understand the new normal concept. Honestly it would have been downright depressing if someone had told me that first year "this is your new normal! just embrace it".
While I recognize some things will never go back to what they were, there is no reason to resign yourself to give up on the things that make up who you are as an individual. The new normal is that it won't be as easy to do them without planning, but I don't know if I am on board with just not doing them at all. And I could be misunderstanding what is meant by new normal, so if I am ignore me. : )
New normal for me doesn't mean giving up who I am, at all. New normal to me means once I accepted certain realities of life w/ a baby I was much happier.
I am pretty sure that lack of sex drive on my part will be our biggest stumbling block to new parenthood. Everybody is different, I get that, but I really have no idea what to expect and I'm asceered.
So, can I ask you guys another thing? When did you get back to sex? One of my friends did it way before it is even recommended because she felt like it, but some of you all are indicating that it took a long time.
We're there, right? Can we talk about this? I have some anxiety issues around this topic (because of my own weird body issues), and some of these stories freak me out.
My story is unique in that I had some painful tears that took time to heal. For us, it was three months. Most of my friends said they were okay physically around 6 weeks, but mentally and emotionally it took them another few weeks.
Also, I felt so much more confident and sexy after I had a baby. It was like all the body issues I had before DD went out the window, even though I had stretch marks and way above my pre-pregnancy weight.
You're so close. PJ isn't that much older than your LO and our life is getting so much easier.
We do go out and enjoy time together, but we bring P along. We have yet to go out on a "date", but I know we need to soon. We just enjoy our time when he's asleep, and spend the 2 hours after he goes to bed hanging out, talking, etc.
It takes longer for men because they aren't going through that. They don't go through the 9 months of pregnancy where your life already changed, and they don't feel tied down by BFing. H and I struggled with that the first year because his adjustment came with a bang the day she was born where as mine started 9 months before.
But we are on the same page now.
For me, the turning point was when I was done nursing. I was so tied down by nursing (not knocking it, I'm glad I nursed as long as I did) that i finally felt somewhat normal again once I was done)
And I do agree with momi. It is a new normal. But as you get farther away from your old normal, the new normal gradually takes over. KWIM?
and yes KA, I'm pregnant and due in March. On pi day, actually
BB: we waited for the doc to ok it ( i wasn't going to risk infection) but it didn't feel back to normal until I was done BFing. We did it starting at 6 weeks, but it was semi painful for me until after Bfing. My sex drive was really low until I was done BFing, too.
So, can I ask you guys another thing? When did you get back to sex? One of my friends did it way before it is even recommended because she felt like it, but some of you all are indicating that it took a long time.
We're there, right? Can we talk about this? I have some anxiety issues around this topic (because of my own weird body issues), and some of these stories freak me out.
Ummmm.....we have not had sex post-baby yet. And he is almost 3 months. I just have ZERO DESIRE to do it. Add to the fact that my OB said "use tons of lube and use a towel on the bed bc your boobs WILL leak" and I was like Uh, no. No no no no no. But I just feel so far removed from my body as a sexual body.... I don't even miss sex right now. I miss MISSING sex. But yeah no. I think we are going to have to just get over the hump and do it and maybe then my mind will come around?
BB we waited until 8 weeks and then it was mainly b/c I felt like if I waited much longer I'd never get back to it. As for my sex drive it was all but non-existent until I weaned at 13 months but then it came back better than ever. Fortunately DH never made a big deal about it.
With Jackson, it was really 3-4 months PP before we actually had sex and I kinda sorta wanted to. It was really painful the first time we tried (like at 8w PP) even though I had a c/s and never pushed. I'm not sure why exactly, but I was in labor for 30 or so hours +. My sex drive was low throughout that pregnancy, too.
With Scarlett, once I was released by my doctor (7w PP?), we had sex and I was interested/into it. It wasn't as frequent as it had been, but once she was STTN consistently, we were back to 3-4x per week. I also had way more sex throughout that pregnancy. I have no idea what the difference was, but that may have been why I was more into it after having her, too.
Also, I didn't BF, so maybe that changed things, and both of my kids were/are good sleepers.
OMG, I think I just had a PTSD episode about acid reflux, projectile barfing and milk allergies.
::calls doctor to schedule MH's vasectomy because we're 2 for 2 on babies that have those issues:: I can't ever do that again.
We are 2 for 2 on babies who never sleep and scream all the time unless you are bouncing/waking them just right. For like 7 months straight. Thank god we didn't have reflux too!
Seriously is impacting our decision making on having a third.
The only thing that saved me from losing my mind was the fact that mine are/were good sleepers. I don't think I would have made it with no sleep on top of the constant barfing, meds, stinky formula and feeding anxiety. I still can feel my whole body freezing up when I think of someone else trying to give my reflux babies a bottle, lol.
Each time, the reflux has gotten worse too. Jackson outgrew his around 6-7m, and Scarlett didn't outgrow hers until 9-10m and even now she's more likely to randomly just barf and she barfed more in quantity too. ::shivers::
So, can I ask you guys another thing? When did you get back to sex? One of my friends did it way before it is even recommended because she felt like it, but some of you all are indicating that it took a long time.
We're there, right? Can we talk about this? I have some anxiety issues around this topic (because of my own weird body issues), and some of these stories freak me out.
***Overly GRAPHIC ALERT***
You shouldn't do it before the doc says because when the placenta comes off, it leaves a massive open wound on the inside wall of your uterus. Think pizza-sized tumor separating from the lining. Even though your ute immediately contracts down as much as it can, it still has to heal and that takes a long time. So you don't want to have *things* entering your vag and possibly bringing in bacteria and whatnots that could cause infection to that open wound. You could also have tears around your vag and also microscopic tears elsewhere that are better left alone.
***END Overly GRAPHIC ALERT***
For me, and I don't think I'm an island in this, the first time post-baby felt like the first time I ever had sex. So like, "wow, I can't control my vag muscles well and everything just feels ....odd."
You can have sex as much as you want, but with your physical state and hormonal state and mental state, its not not gonna be something you wanna get into much. Its not like you'll never be horny - maybe you will, maybe you wont.
Once the body stuff subsides, the time issues become real. So say every thing vag-wise was back 100% by (I forget now when it was for me) 6 months? You still have very limited amounts of awake time to steal away to do it. I think the key here is to talk about sex all the damn time so that you can be prepared to jump in the sack when you realize you have 30mins to actually kill. It also helped me to know sex was coming so I wasn't plopping down to pay bills or shower when that 30 mins actually came.
The key is that sex gets better the whole time - just slowly. So no sex for 6 weeks, but then maybe sex once every 2 weeks at first for a few months and then ramp it up more as things go on.
So, can I ask you guys another thing? When did you get back to sex? One of my friends did it way before it is even recommended because she felt like it, but some of you all are indicating that it took a long time.
We're there, right? Can we talk about this? I have some anxiety issues around this topic (because of my own weird body issues), and some of these stories freak me out.
We did it right after my doc said it was OK. But that's a very different answer than if you had asked, "when did you WANT to get back to sex?" It seriously took me a year not to be exhausted every night. I still had sex though, I just didn't really enjoy it. If my DH had not initiated, we would never have done it. I know that sounds really sad, but in the midst of it all, I didn't miss it. I missed sleep a million times more.
So, can I ask you guys another thing? When did you get back to sex? One of my friends did it way before it is even recommended because she felt like it, but some of you all are indicating that it took a long time.
We're there, right? Can we talk about this? I have some anxiety issues around this topic (because of my own weird body issues), and some of these stories freak me out.
We did it right after my doc said it was OK. But that's a very different answer than if you had asked, "when did you WANT to get back to sex?" It seriously took me a year not to be exhausted every night. I still had sex though, I just didn't really enjoy it. If my DH had not initiated, we would never have done it. I know that sounds really sad, but in the midst of it all, I didn't miss it. I missed sleep a million times more.
H and I laugh about the difference between pre and post baby. Pre baby, a hotel room was sexy. Post baby, it was a heavenly place to sleep.
My first night (overnight) away from DD was when she was 7 months. We stayed in a hotel and I was just ecstatic that I got to sleep. It was heaven.
I don't think I understand the new normal concept. Honestly it would have been downright depressing if someone had told me that first year "this is your new normal! just embrace it".
While I recognize some things will never go back to what they were, there is no reason to resign yourself to give up on the things that make up who you are as an individual. The new normal is that it won't be as easy to do them without planning, but I don't know if I am on board with just not doing them at all. And I could be misunderstanding what is meant by new normal, so if I am ignore me. : )
I do agree with this What I have always told my friends if it is important enough you will continue to make it a priority.
Like H and I love to go out to eat. So we made it a point to go out to eat with child in tow. He may be a crazed animal in every other possible way but he can behave at a restaurant. It was important to us so we made it work. Other people could give examples of ways they have tried to keep normalcy in their lives with children.
I don't think I understand the new normal concept. Honestly it would have been downright depressing if someone had told me that first year "this is your new normal! just embrace it".
While I recognize some things will never go back to what they were, there is no reason to resign yourself to give up on the things that make up who you are as an individual. The new normal is that it won't be as easy to do them without planning, but I don't know if I am on board with just not doing them at all. And I could be misunderstanding what is meant by new normal, so if I am ignore me. : )
I do agree with this What I have always told my friends if it is important enough you will continue to make it a priority.
Like H and I love to go out to eat. So we made it a point to go out to eat with child in tow. He may be a crazed animal in every other possible way but he can behave at a restaurant. It was important to us so we made it work. Other people could give examples of ways they have tried to keep normalcy in their lives with children.
To me that is an example of a new normal. Before, it was normal to go out just the two of you. Now its the three of you.
I think its just semantics
We love babysitters. we go out a lot just the two of us, especially after she goes to bed. I love that she has an early bed time
So, can I ask you guys another thing? When did you get back to sex? One of my friends did it way before it is even recommended because she felt like it, but some of you all are indicating that it took a long time.
We're there, right? Can we talk about this? I have some anxiety issues around this topic (because of my own weird body issues), and some of these stories freak me out.
We did it within days after I was cleared, I think that weekend. I wanted it. We had very little sex when I was pregnant (my desire tanked and I found it super difficult when the belly got big) and we'd been through a lot with the delivery and I was more than ready.
I had a c/s and never pushed, and it still felt super tight and not right. Honestly, the first time, I cried. I'd really been looking forward to it and it was balls. I was afraid it would change forever, but it was back to normal within a few months. And orgasms? Mind blowingly fantastic. I have no idea how that happened.
Anyways, I was scared of BFing killing my libido or making it hurt, and that hasn't been a problem. Having an infant and being tired all the time makes it tough to find the time, but the hormones haven't gotten me (I did get my period back at 3.5 mo and they're regular, so I think my normal hormones are pretty strong).
With Jack it took me a lot longer to accept my body, the bfing and make it all right in my head as far as feeling sexy. I felt our sex life went back to normal when I weaned and he was STTN.
With Leo I am much more relaxed. He was a c section so we had sex 3 weeks pp. Mind you we hadn't had sex for 5 months prior due to pelvic rest so we were quick to rush back into bed. Now our issue is time to do it. We just have no time when one of the kid's is not awake or going to wake up. Leo is pushing his bedtime up further and further and that will help. We aren't going crazy as I am bfing and really would just rather sleep. But sex doesn't sound so horrible like it did with Jack as a baby.