I do agree with this What I have always told my friends if it is important enough you will continue to make it a priority.
Like H and I love to go out to eat. So we made it a point to go out to eat with child in tow. He may be a crazed animal in every other possible way but he can behave at a restaurant. It was important to us so we made it work. Other people could give examples of ways they have tried to keep normalcy in their lives with children.
To me that is an example of a new normal. Before, it was normal to go out just the two of you. Now its the three of you.
I think its just semantics
We love babysitters. we go out a lot just the two of us, especially after she goes to bed. I love that she has an early bed time
I think sometimes the "new normal" comes off as "kiss your life good bye" and it doesn't have to be that way. New normal can be close to what your old normal was if it is important to you. I know when I was pregnant with Jack I was terrified of losing myself and the things I love to do. And really that never happened. Things changed but I didn't feel like a ghost of my former self, you know.
Basically I just don't want the non-kid people to read this and think their reality with kids will be "welcome to your shitty life. Have fun with that" lol
See I view "new normal" as just different, not worse or bad. It means you have to tweak things to make them work. (like SBPs example).
The first few months? Yeah, it sucked. Our life was completely different and it was HARD. Now, its different than it was pre kid, but we still make the same things a priority. We just do them a little differently. In the past, I often stayed after school and worked a few hours, then met H out to dinner or met friends for a drink. Now, I pick DD up right after school, and I do work after she goes to bed, or we go out later in the evening (instead of straight from work). Its just different, not worse. Its a new normal for us.
Lucky you for an all adult vacation. I tried to talk my H into a cruise next year for our 5 yr anniversary and he's all "if we leave Nae to terrorize your parents, they'll never babysit for us again!" Dude, my mom's a pro. Trust. She can handle the pint-sized person that is Naomi.
Our strategy is to deprive the grandparents from seeing the kiddo until they're desperate, then leave him for a week. they get their fill until the next year when they've forgotten what a terror he was.
See I view "new normal" as just different, not worse or bad. It means you have to tweak things to make them work. (like SBPs example).
The first few months? Yeah, it sucked. Our life was completely different and it was HARD. Now, its different than it was pre kid, but we still make the same things a priority. We just do them a little differently. In the past, I often stayed after school and worked a few hours, then met H out to dinner or met friends for a drink. Now, I pick DD up right after school, and I do work after she goes to bed, or we go out later in the evening (instead of straight from work). Its just different, not worse. Its a new normal for us.
I agree with this, but I will say that some don't necessarily figure out a new way to do the same things they enjoyed. Some just think that chapter is over and oh well. But it sounds like most in this thread view new normal as what you described.
So, can I ask you guys another thing? When did you get back to sex? One of my friends did it way before it is even recommended because she felt like it, but some of you all are indicating that it took a long time.
We're there, right? Can we talk about this? I have some anxiety issues around this topic (because of my own weird body issues), and some of these stories freak me out.
Ummmm.....we have not had sex post-baby yet. And he is almost 3 months. I just have ZERO DESIRE to do it. Add to the fact that my OB said "use tons of lube and use a towel on the bed bc your boobs WILL leak" and I was like Uh, no. No no no no no. But I just feel so far removed from my body as a sexual body.... I don't even miss sex right now. I miss MISSING sex. But yeah no. I think we are going to have to just get over the hump and do it and maybe then my mind will come around?
I'd love to reassure you but sex for me is painful and uncomfortable and I ave zero desire. Zero.
This thread was an absolute life-saver today people.
I'm reading it on the heels of a night where 14 month old DD woke up for a crib-banging screamfest at 1am and nothing would get her back to sleep until 3.
I'm also dealing with my 6th independent virus of some sort since the end of May. Two of those have included puking and diarrhea. Thank you daycare!
Then this morning, she had a giant poopy diaper right before leaving the house and my husband left ONE WIPE in the package and the new packages were in the garage. So she went in her crib naked and left skidmarks everywhere.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only mother on earth who doesn't handle all this shit with a smile and the patience of a saint.
I like to think I'm not the only mom out there who is kicking the wall at 3am and wondering if I'll ever sleep again.
This thread was an absolute life-saver today people.
I'm reading it on the heels of a night where 14 month old DD woke up for a crib-banging screamfest at 1am and nothing would get her back to sleep until 3.
I'm also dealing with my 6th independent virus of some sort since the end of May. Two of those have included puking and diarrhea. Thank you daycare!
Then this morning, she had a giant poopy diaper right before leaving the house and my husband left ONE WIPE in the package and the new packages were in the garage. So she went in her crib naked and left skidmarks everywhere.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only mother on earth who doesn't handle all this shit with a smile and the patience of a saint.
I like to think I'm not the only mom out there who is kicking the wall at 3am and wondering if I'll ever sleep again.
That age is the worst. I had more than one night of middle of the night scream fests on both our parts (me and ds).
Wrt the new normal, I thing some things probably need to change forever. Like no more getting wasted every weekend. Not that that is a problem for me but that was the example that I thought of right away.
For us new normal meant just little to no downtime. Especially big enough blocks of it to get much done- like I had the evening after they went to bed free, but they might wakeup at any point (we had terrible sleepers) and in any case I was exhausted so it's not like I felt like sitting down and doing some project that required any brainwave activity. Or we used to frequently spend weekend days running lounging and reading a book. Yah, no. Now we have kids vying for our attention and "leave me alone I am reading" doesn't really fly.
But we also figured out alternatives for some things- we have a burley and trail a bike and do bike rides. Etc.
oh yeah, there are certain things that have, for the most part, disapeared. Sunday mornings were always lazy mornings for us. We stayed in bed late and then lounged around while making breakfast and such.
We still take it easy on Sundays, but DD isn't so much into sleeping in.
We were out the other night at a family restaurant, and the people in the booth across from us had two little kids. Who threw food, cried, shrieked, spilled, dropped stuff, wanted to sit on their parents' laps to eat, wanted food off their parents' plates, omg. She kept apologizing to us, and I just said OMG lady, you are in the thick of it; don't apologize; one day you'll get to eat like normal people again, your kids are beautiful, you're doing great etc, you'll get to have a quiet meal again some day etc. She laughed, and I laughed, but I remember the feeling of desperation when it just seemed like it would never, ever be normal again. They were really sweet, and managing very well, but damn. I'd forgotten what that looked like.
I think I would cry if someone said this to me in a restaurant (in a good, relieved way).
We were out the other night at a family restaurant, and the people in the booth across from us had two little kids. Who threw food, cried, shrieked, spilled, dropped stuff, wanted to sit on their parents' laps to eat, wanted food off their parents' plates, omg. She kept apologizing to us, and I just said OMG lady, you are in the thick of it; don't apologize; one day you'll get to eat like normal people again, your kids are beautiful, you're doing great etc, you'll get to have a quiet meal again some day etc. She laughed, and I laughed, but I remember the feeling of desperation when it just seemed like it would never, ever be normal again. They were really sweet, and managing very well, but damn. I'd forgotten what that looked like.
I think I would cry if someone said this to me in a restaurant (in a good, relieved way).
I would too! We are in restaurant hell right now. I actually get anxiety when DH suggests we go out to "save me from cooking"...going out to a restaurant is not my idea of easy. I look wistfully at the people sitting in their seats for as long as they choose, eating whatever they want (and not have to consider it being too hot, taking too long, messy to eat with 2 hands, etc).. DH and I's last "date night" was to eat crabs and it was GLORIOUS because you can get all messy and take as long as you want and not have to handle children!!
I agree with the "new normal" and it not being bad. It's just the difference between "hey, let's go here" and the "Do you think your mom is busy tonight? I would like to go here if she can take Z". For us going to restaurants means we have to hide the knives and the shakers. we are finally over this stage, but yeah, that was not normal.
Actual sex happened after we received the okay. There were times I was up for it and others I took one for the team. I bf'd till Z was 2 and knew, if I could, I wanted to do it for the long haul. I tried to not allow that to deter from things. I fed in public a lot.
Post by laurenpetro on Aug 9, 2012 15:37:03 GMT -5
i don't think a "new normal" is necessarily a bad thing, it just means that you have to get used to the changes that are involved when you have kids.
example: DH constantly bitches about how we don't go out to eat anymore. first of all, he's full of shit. we do, it just takes planning and since he can't be bothered with actually planning anything but still wants to go out every night of the week, to him it's "never". of course it's not as much as before we had kids. we also didn't have a mortgage that is over 4x our rent and kid expenses. dipshit. my normal is now that going out to eat by ourselves is a treat. problem solved.
or, you know, what mexicali said.
as for sex, i think i waited until we got the go ahead with grace. with the boys there was a pretty good gap. i was NOT in the mood at all. i bought him some porn and tissues and told him to have at it for a while.
We waited until I was cleared at 7 weeks pp. I had a c-section and never pushed, but the first time was still pretty painful. I'm assuming things just aren't quite in the same place anymore. After that, it's been pretty normal, although not as frequent. We've been averaging about 1x a week, so not bad, but H is working crazy hours right now, so it's a lack of time thing, too.
We have plenty of babysitters- we've actually done 2 overnights away from Max now- and both times, we went out to dinner, had a few drinks at home....and fell asleep. No sexytimes. Oh well. We were much less short tempered with eachother the next day.
Our lives haven't changed that much, really- we're both introverted, we aren't terribly spontaneous, and when we do want to do something, our parents and extended families (we have a total of 15 aunts/uncles and 4 grandparents locally) are more than willing to watch him. Sometimes I miss my child because I'm too busy dropping him off to see family members who "never get to see him" to spend time with him before work. But it's okay. It's good, and we do take quite a bit of time out of our evenings to just play with him.
Our biggest issue is that I'm still effing exhausted. I had severe anemia and had a blood transfusion. It helped, but I'm thinking there's still some type of hormonal imabalance/anemia issues, because I'm effing TIRED. ALL THE TIME. And my kid typically sleeps from 10-6. Except last night. Last night sucked.
Also, I have to try SO HARD to let H parent Max. He doesn't do anyting "wrong"- but I spend more time with him. I know what his cries mean. I know when he's hungry, what makes him laugh, etc, etc. H knows these things, too- but it's not as natural to him. And he tries- but sometimes he fucks it up, and it drives me nuts to just sit back and let him do his thing. And sometimes I can't, and I correct him and he throws a bitch fit and we spend the rest of the night annoyed with each other. Good times.
BTW, H and I are not really spontaneous either. But, occasionally, we would have friends call last minute and want to go out and we can't really do last minute things anymore since we need to line up a sitter. Thats more what I mean by spontaneous.
We take lt out with us all the time for dinner, even at nice restaurants. We go between 4-5 so as not to bother others, but we're paying so they can suck it. He is very good out, as long as table is big enough. It works for us
We take lt out with us all the time for dinner, even at nice restaurants. We go between 4-5 so as not to bother others, but we're paying so they can suck it. He is very good out, as long as table is big enough. It works for us
You will have to send me a list of good restaurants for kids here. We've done Dog Pub, Abbeys and....that's it I think. Lol. We need to get out more and I want him used to restaurants.
We take lt out with us all the time for dinner, even at nice restaurants. We go between 4-5 so as not to bother others, but we're paying so they can suck it. He is very good out, as long as table is big enough. It works for us
You will have to send me a list of good restaurants for kids here. We've done Dog Pub, Abbeys and....that's it I think. Lol. We need to get out more and I want him used to restaurants.
Corner byob, Melting pot, B&O brasserie, Miguel's (this is a good one in Locust Point), Blue Grass. Seriously, we have a problem
You will have to send me a list of good restaurants for kids here. We've done Dog Pub, Abbeys and....that's it I think. Lol. We need to get out more and I want him used to restaurants.
Corner byob, Melting pot, B&O brasserie, Miguel's (this is a good one in Locust Point), Blue Grass. Seriously, we have a problem
Nah, this is the kind of new normal I can appreciate!
We tried to do it right after I was cleared at 6wks and it hurt so much we had to stop. We had to try two more times before we could actually get going, and that was at 8wks pp. Since I've always had a high sex drive, it didn't take us long to get back into the swing of things in the bedroom.
FWIW, I was not a fan of the newborn stage. I finally started feeling more comfortable with his routine and going out more when DS was 4mos old. From that point on until he was 10.5mos, it was a blast to be a SAHM. Then, he started walking and I wanted to poke myself in the eyeballs 24/7. Thankfully, someone took pity on me and hired me so I am going back to work in September. lol.
We go out to eat with DS all the time. I just make sure to bring a ton of snacks to make sure he behaves for the entire meal. Now that we just hired a babysitter, I am SOOOO excited to act a fool in my college town every now and then. lol.
We take lt out with us all the time for dinner, even at nice restaurants. We go between 4-5 so as not to bother others, but we're paying so they can suck it. He is very good out, as long as table is big enough. It works for us
You will have to send me a list of good restaurants for kids here. We've done Dog Pub, Abbeys and....that's it I think. Lol. We need to get out more and I want him used to restaurants.
Until DS outgrew the infant seat, we had no shame bringing him to any restaurant. Plus, we were lucky and the kid happily slept in there despite all of the noise. I miss those days. lol.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Oh, and sex was pretty much a "when I felt really bad for not putting out" thing for about a year after each kid. My kids didn't sleep 10-12 hours until close to a year, so when there was free time, I wanted to sleep. It took a lot of tears and talks for DH to understand that.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”