Kids change everything. EVERYTHING!!

[Deleted]

So, I'm sorta piggy-backing off a MM thread.

However - I never used to understand why people said "Kids change everything ". I get it now.

I realized last night that DH and I haven't been on a 'date' since our anniversary in June - almost 2 months. Thats a long time for us. We both are busy with work, sports, etc. and of course the baby. We do have childcare options, I think we need to use them more.

I find at night I have NO interest in romance. I want to sleep. Desperately. And I think DH resents me a bit for that because he really doesn't understand what its like having to get up in the middle of the night every night. I mean, Im getting a decent amount of sleep but its not the same as a good 8-hour stretch, kwim?

Dinnertime is mostly a race to eat before the kid needs something.

So, married friends with kids - how do you give yourself some 'normalcy'?

I should add we are doing a baby-free holiday in November. 5 days without him. But thats not enough!

[Deleted]

It gets better. It really does. Now, we are semi back to normal. (although we will plunge back in March, lol). Now, things are still different. We can't be spontaneous like we used to, but with a 2 year old, its a lot easier than a new born.

[soontobeka]

Irish, I totally missed your announcement. Congrats!!!!

Laurier- After 3 kids, we have not yet find our normalcy. We just have learned to go with the flow and adjust our expectations of each other as we go.

[pixy0stix]

It gets better when they get older.

We were never really spontaneous so that never changed for us. Just make sure you DO take advantage of your child care options.

[KateAggie]

Aug 9, 2012 11:21:08 GMT -5 @irishbride said:

It gets better. It really does. Now, we are semi back to normal. (although we will plunge back in March, lol). Now, things are still different. We can't be spontaneous like we used to, but with a 2 year old, its a lot easier than a new born.

Explain "plunge back in"...

[somersault72]

If you have childcare, absolutely take advantage of it! We went on dates fairly often when DS was little because we were lucky enough to our parents who were willing and able to babysit living close by. Even just a few hours away can make a world of difference.

[SusanBAnthony]

For me it got amazingly better when they stopped napping. At 2.5 and almost 5, we can go do something in the evening and not be all "OMG the baby needs to be put to bed in 10 min or ELSE". If they stay up a little late, oh well. If we aren't home at noon to do nap/rest time, the world doesn't implode. Etc.

We still don't get much for dates, as we have no family in town and it gets pricey. And DD sleeps a full 12 hours maybe half the time. But it is so so so much better than it was a year ago. While simultaneously still being exhausting both mentally and physically.

So now DH and I just need to decide if we want a third, or if I should get a job.

[Deleted]

Aug 9, 2012 11:24:17 GMT -5 KateAggie said:

Aug 9, 2012 11:21:08 GMT -5 @irishbride said:

It gets better. It really does. Now, we are semi back to normal. (although we will plunge back in March, lol). Now, things are still different. We can't be spontaneous like we used to, but with a 2 year old, its a lot easier than a new born.

Explain "plunge back in"...

Im thinking this means congrats are in order!

[mominatrix]

not to be cynical, but here goes:

As long as you define your ”normal” as your pre-kid life, you will never ever get back to normal. Ever. You'll be frustrated until you let that go.

It's all about a new normal.

...and it does get easier to find that new normal as they age. Mine are 2 (3 in Oct) and 5 and I'm JUST.starting to get glimpses of life with actual KIDS - not infants or toddlers that need mom constantly.

My advice is to just give yourself over to it for some period of time. it won't always be like this, and railing against it only makes it worse.

...like, the advice I always give new moms is to forget any distinction between 3.pm. and 3 am. Be awake add you need to, be asleep as you need to. the more you say ”WTF am I doing awake at this hour? Aargh!!” The more it sucks. You gotta do it, try to enjoy it.

...via mobile.

[Deleted]

Aug 9, 2012 11:22:07 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

Someone needs to find and link that thread from the nest where we were all talking about the way children change things. That was one of my favorite threads of all time. I thought it was us at our best.

I dont remember this thread.
Go find it!

[NitaX]

We do "date nights" often. We just hire a sitter and get out of the house even if it's a movie and some dinner. Just something that doesn't revolve around "Don't do that! What is that in your mouth?! Will you clean this room!!"

As for sex - yeah, I was too tired to do that for a while. The H got over it, but we just found those times when there was some quiet to get in the sexy time.

But like Pixy said, it'll get better as they get older.

Lucky you for an all adult vacation. I tried to talk my H into a cruise next year for our 5 yr anniversary and he's all "if we leave Nae to terrorize your parents, they'll never babysit for us again!" Dude, my mom's a pro. Trust. She can handle the pint-sized person that is Naomi.

[pescalita]

The day when you both get to eat at the same time, not rushed, is glorious. And it's not that far off.

[SusanBAnthony]

I also am at a point where I will let almost anyone watch the kids (within reason!). Like, DD goes to an in home daycare once a week to give me a break, and I dont really care if the TV is on, or she eats a diet of only cheetos and koolaid while there (those are extreme examples, btw) whereas when they were littler I wanted to make sure all childcare was really high quality. Or, we have a wedding out of town and I need a babysitter for about 8 hours. My mom's neighbor's 15 year old and her friend are going to watch the kids, I have met them once, I don't know them, I don't care! They will be fine. I could never have done that with a baby. But now they can talk to people and be understood. World of difference.

[NitaX]

Aug 9, 2012 11:35:35 GMT -5 pescalita said:

The day when you both get to eat at the same time, not rushed, is glorious. And it's not that far off.

QFT

or in Ebonics - Wha'chu done SAID!!!

Just the thought of savoring every morsel and not having a little person squeal at you because they want your food ... Or eating food while it's still hot. Glory. The angels in heaven sing GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!!

[eddy]

It will get better. Take advantage of childcare options. That is key. At one year I personally started to feel mormal again.

[eclaires]

I found things got better once my kids were in a routine, both times. I forget, how old is your DS?

Once mine were STTN consistently, life was pretty much as it was before. And STTN to me is not a 5 hour stretch - its 10-12 hours, lol. Anyway, because they were so consistent about sleeping, it was much easier to do stuff after they went to bed without being all frazzled and wanting to just go to bed.

We do lots of at home date nights after the kids go to bed. That might be boring to some, but it works for us.

[ringstrue]

How old is the baby now?

If you are nursing, your hormones are sorta working against you with the intimacy thing at least to a certain extent. I think just the logistics of your *new* body and not wanting to let down during sex or hear the baby cry and the way your body feels sorta... icky and sensitive to too much touch all play their own roll. So there is that.

I noticed big differences with DD after 9 months of age and then again after she was crawling for real (1 year ish) and then again after she was walking for real (18 months ish). And now with a 3 year old its different yet again.

We started to have normal evenings where she would sleep 7:30pm - 7:30am STRAIGHT. I wanted to say that started at about 18 months give or take. That was a huge deal for us (me) since we finally caught up on sleep and could, you know, talk and re-bond again. She doesn't even do that now but that's more so due to being able to get out of bed and wanting to pee in the potty vs. her diaper.

We had few and far between babysitting opportunities but now that I make bank we can get for real sitters like once a month or so which is a big deal for us. And not like, "hey lets get out of the house for 3 hours", but more like "we are leaving at 6pm sharp and doing dinner and movie and wont be back til after 10" sort of dates. Still, I don't *really* need that as much as I just need 3+ hours a day in my house without her on my radar.

[cookiemdough]

If you have access to childcare use it! I started to feel more normal when I actually incorporated the things I enjoyed doing back into my life. Meeting up with friends for dinner, date nights, taking an hour in the morning on the weekend to go get coffee and read in peace. I think for a long time I felt like everything required too much effort so I just didn't do stuff. It does require more planning than just getting up and going, but it is so worth it.

[Deleted]

DS is 3 months now. I just booked a sitter for tomorrow morning for 2 hours so I can "go to the office" which is probably going to be a coffee shop to read By myself. LOL.

I think I need to try and plan stuff - that would help a LOT. Like see if DH would do an overnight date somewhere. He's a bit stressed with work and our weekends are all full so it would have to be mid-week but hopefully I can convince him.

Though really, a dinner date would be a good start.

[Deleted]

Oh yeah, the first year sucks, but it will get better, little by little, starting with the day the baby STTN.

[ringstrue]

I agree with planning stuff - it helps with the mommy guilt too since its a set time and not just waiting until 4pm on a Saturday when you are at your wit's end.

Wasn't the thread about how crappy it is to deal with newborns and we were all saying it was the hardest and shittiest thing we had ever done? lol

[Deleted]

Aug 9, 2012 11:57:53 GMT -5 @majorwife said:

LOL I found the kid horror story post. You probably don't want that laurier.

You can't pull that shit!!

[eddy]

If you are nursing that is a big barrier for wanting to be intimate. Think about it, your body knows you are nuroushing a baby. It doesn't want you to get pregnant so it makes sure sex is not as appealing. Totally normal

[Deleted]

Aug 9, 2012 11:31:12 GMT -5 mominatrix said:

not to be cynical, but here goes:

As long as you define your ”normal” as your pre-kid life, you will never ever get back to normal. Ever. You'll be frustrated until you let that go.

It's all about a new normal.

...and it does get easier to find that new normal as they age. Mine are 2 (3 in Oct) and 5 and I'm JUST.starting to get glimpses of life with actual KIDS - not infants or toddlers that need mom constantly.

My advice is to just give yourself over to it for some period of time. it won't always be like this, and railing against it only makes it worse.

...like, the advice I always give new moms is to forget any distinction between 3.pm. and 3 am. Be awake add you need to, be asleep as you need to. the more you say ”WTF am I doing awake at this hour? Aargh!!” The more it sucks. You gotta do it, try to enjoy it.

...via mobile.

This is the mindset I am trying to get in right now - that the old life is gone, forever, and that's okay, because this new life is pretty good and will get better. Sure we can't go to a bar until 2 am. But that's okay, because I get to snuggle with my little guy and smile at him as eats. Even when he's older and we CAN go to bars or have nights off or whatever it will still be different. So I'm just trying to get in that mindset - that it's just different now, and its not worse, and the old life wasn't better. Just....different. And I think I'm starting to see how this life is better in many ways. Less freedom, more love. god I sound cheesy haha. But the first two months were kind of a struggle for me emotionally (I think breastfeeding really drained me emotionally and physically) so this thinking helps a lot.

We have had three date nights since he was born (and one was just dinner at a crappy restaurant ha) but it has still made a big difference I think.

Oh but I hear you on the romance thing. DH doesn't get it but my body right now is just not really sexual to me. At all.

[teflep]

I agree with momoniatrix. It took me some time to realize this, even though it should have been obvious to me, but I chalked it up to it all happened so fast. But, I did have 4 years to prep for it, more than the normal 9 months . Lack of sleep totally messes with you. Lt sleeps from about 7-4 and the 4:15 to 7 now, but that that was 15 months coming, once you are close to sttn, it gets better. Trust

[emmybean]

I agree with momi. You need to redefine normal.

[Daria Morgandorffer]

We have no childcare options around here and it sucks for sure. We used to be really spontaneous and it's been a very difficult adjustment for us. Just the other day I saw a sign for a micro-brew festival going on that same night in our town and got really excited for a moment until I remembered the kid. lol.

Still wouldn't change it for the world though!

[Deleted]

I think momi's advice is spot-on. And it's something I'm still struggling with--and my kid's almost 15 months. I have to catch myself when I start thinking about the "old" normal...late nights out, weekend jaunts to SF for just us, no need for a schedule and us just being us (to say nothing of how much I miss the disposable income, lol. He starts daycare next week and it's like watching money go *poof* as soon as it hits your account).

But the "new" normal isn't bad. And it's here to stay, so you adjust. Take the childcare as often as they're willing to give it. Ride the rough patches out. As the babe grows, things do get better. You'll eventually have warm meals together. You'll eventually get more sleep. You'll eventually become more interested in romance again.

But really, "normal" has changed forever. Accepting that is part of what we have to do. I still struggle with that after 15 months and momi is right--the more you lament the loss of the old normal, the worse you feel. I need to remember that!

Hang in there.

[eclaires]

OMG, I think I just had a PTSD episode about acid reflux, projectile barfing and milk allergies.

::calls doctor to schedule MH's vasectomy because we're 2 for 2 on babies that have those issues:: I can't ever do that again.

[Deleted]

I love you, momi. You're totally right. My worry is I don't think DH gets that. Does that make sense? He doesn't understand how draining bfing is, how pooped I am, etc. he tries to get it, but he doesn't.