Post by Kcthepouchh8r on Mar 3, 2015 20:14:33 GMT -5
Yes to piggyback on sings answer a lot of times when my kid is fighting because they want something unhealthy I put the ball in their court. I will ask them why do you think we can't have that? Then I would give them an opportunity to answer their own question but if not I would remind how we already had crackers/too many crackers aren't good/why we need to eat some fruit/whatever the scenario is.
This is all well and good, and is the language we use (and have always used) with her. The problem is that this exchange now ends in tantrumming and tears.
**let it...she's allowed to be disappointed...if it's too disruptive, she can be upset in her room
Or, more likely lately, her sneaking into the cupboard when I am busy with something else and getting the crackers anyway.
**snack goes away, she goes to timeout for disobeying/lying (whatever you consider it)
Or, when she is feeling particularly ballsy, crossing her arms, sticking out her chin, stomping past me to the cupboard to get it herself, dripping sass and attitude the whole way.
**timeout for attitude then a discussion about proper attitudes and why mommy gave the choices she did (healthy options and all that)
Maybe at a different time (if snack is constantly a problem), you could sit down with her and make a list of "anytime snacks" likes fruits and vegetables...so she knows what is always an option. I don't always like to pick between only two things.,,maybe if she has a picture list of all the healthy things, she may put up less of a fight??
What then?
Honestly, snack time is not the problem. I mean, it can be, but the issue is that it is literally everything. EVERYTHING. And yes, tears and tantrums get ignored. Attitude gets her sent to her room for a time out. Our cupboards are up high (she pulls a stool or chair over - and loses her stool - and tries to climb up on the counter). She has a bin of snacks for the day in the fridge that she has complete control over what she eats and when - throwing fits about it, or trying to sneak other snacks loses her that privilege. But it's everything. My gut says we are just going through a rough patch. Like a PP, maybe she's about to make some developmental leap. She has a pattern of having a string of days like these and then just when it is at it's worst, it's better the next day. I'm just frustrated with her, frustrated with my reactions to her, and missing my pretty sweet kid. Thank you for the suggestions, though, I really appreciate it. And it's nice to hear that I do not have the only psychotic 4 year old.
I think it's just a rough patch - or rather where she is currently developmentally. You keep being consistent and though it sucks, she may take a while to come around. We have days that are just horrific and I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Then a few days that still have their bumps but are normal. It's hard, that's for sure.
Post by Kcthepouchh8r on Mar 3, 2015 20:41:56 GMT -5
Honestly ignoring tantrums failed miserably twice here. With ds bear hugs helped. With dd showing empathy (while reiterating why she can't have/do x) helps. Tipping a moody kid upside down before they have the chance to tantrum helps. If it's a pattern keeping a log helps. Kids are generally triggered by exhaustion, hunger, feeling disconnected and wanting attention. Sometimes getting ahead of that stuff can help minimize tantrums.
Seriously. Choices make things worse around here. Especially when it comes to food!!
"I'm hungry."
"Okay DD. You can have grapes or cheese"
"But I don't WANT those. I want craaaacccckeeerrrsss..."
"Not an option right now. You can have grapes or cheese."
*cue DD stomping off and whining about how it's not fair and she wants crackers. Lots of time in tears.*
So yeah. Choices are bad. Telling her not everything on life is a choice actually works better!
That is actually a really good point and is making me pause to consider if many of the discipline strategies (the general) we employ are actually just short-term fixes that make things worse in the long run. Like that whole "redirection" thing everyone does with young toddlers? Not so great when you have to re-program your 3 year old not to expect a snack or shiny object every time something doesn't go his way...
Food for thought.
Exactly this! My 5 year old wants to Know what he gets instead if he puts down the _____. Nothing! You get nothing but the satisfaction of knowing you did the right thing and listened.
My question is, is there a magic number where things seem to get easier? So far I feel like we get through one stage, and then you get hit with another issue to iron out.
My question is, is there a magic number where things seem to get easier? So far I feel like we get through one stage, and then you get hit with another issue to iron out.
There is hope. At 6 and 8 my kids are pretty easy.
My advice stop taking. People talk through behaviors way too much to their kids.
I feel like I do this but I don't know how to stop. I feel weird just ignoring her, but that's what I should do? Like this morning, we had a meltdown bc DD refused to do what I told her. Would you have explained once and walked away?
Nowa, that's why I went back to doing a strict 123 magic. Just counting, no explaining. I do ignore some tantruming/whining, but like KC said, some of that depends on the kid & their mood. Sometimes ignoring DD1 just makes it worse if she's exhausted after school & melting down. She needs a hug instead.
There is hope. At 6 and 8 my kids are pretty easy.
My advice stop taking. People talk through behaviors way too much to their kids.
I feel like I do this but I don't know how to stop. I feel weird just ignoring her, but that's what I should do? Like this morning, we had a meltdown bc DD refused to do what I told her. Would you have explained once and walked away?
If you give me an exact account like what did you want her to do?
Do you remember Stacy? She always had the answer and she was always right. Her kids were portrayed as always obedient. Your comments in this thread just reminded me of that.
Do you remember Stacy? She always had the answer and she was always right. Her kids were portrayed as always obedient. Your comments in this thread just reminded me of that.
[
Because I said my kids don't battle over food with me that means they're always obedient? Alrighty then.
Also I mentioned how we handle tantrums and what works with each kid. Certainly if I was portraying them as obedient and only one way was right, I probably would have omitted it.
Do you remember Stacy? She always had the answer and she was always right. Her kids were portrayed as always obedient. Your comments in this thread just reminded me of that.
[
Because I said my kids don't battle over food with me that means they're always obedient? Alrighty then.
Also I mentioned how we handle tantrums and what works with each kid. Certainly if I was portraying them as obedient and only one way was right, I probably would have omitted it.
Don't get so defensive, Kpouch. It was just a joke. Why the fuck is everyone so tightly wound around here lately?
Because I said my kids don't battle over food with me that means they're always obedient? Alrighty then.
Also I mentioned how we handle tantrums and what works with each kid. Certainly if I was portraying them as obedient and only one way was right, I probably would have omitted it.
Don't get so defensive, Kpouch. It was just a joke. Why the fuck is everyone so tightly wound around here lately?
Nowa, that's why I went back to doing a strict 123 magic. Just counting, no explaining. I do ignore some tantruming/whining, but like KC said, some of that depends on the kid & their mood. Sometimes ignoring DD1 just makes it worse if she's exhausted after school & melting down. She needs a hug instead.
This! The counting is an acknowledgment that their behavior is inappropriate, ugly, whatever. They know what they are doing, they don't always need 538649 reasons/words given to them. That's just attention reinforcing negative behavior.
I have sent both mine to their rooms with no toys or books. Sit on your bed until you can rejoin the group and behave appropriately. (This is not the same as a time out) We have only done this about 3 times each and it has worked.
Hugs and snuggles work great too. Mine are 3.5 and 5.5.
Nowa, that's why I went back to doing a strict 123 magic. Just counting, no explaining. I do ignore some tantruming/whining, but like KC said, some of that depends on the kid & their mood. Sometimes ignoring DD1 just makes it worse if she's exhausted after school & melting down. She needs a hug instead.
This! The counting is an acknowledgment that their behavior is inappropriate, ugly, whatever. They know what they are doing, they don't always need 538649 reasons/words given to them. That's just attention reinforcing negative behavior.
I have sent both mine to their rooms with no toys or books. Sit on your bed until you can rejoin the group and behave appropriately. (This is not the same as a time out) We have only done this about 3 times each and it has worked.
Hugs and snuggles work great too. Mine are 3.5 and 5.5.
Honest question - how is this different than a time out?
Good question. TO for us is usually sitting in the bottom step but still in the same room. I guess it's more of just a cooling off period for a minute or two. My 5.5 yo is too old for TO, she understands consequences and she is typically a rule follower. Getting sent to your your room is more of the old fashioned kind of punishment, "you sit up here and think about your behavior" sort of thing. We are a family of five so being sent to you room is missing out on family fun. We have sent each of them about 3x and they each also fell asleep up there one time. Seemingly, a nap was needed. But the other 2 times it really has turned around the particular behavior for the long run. Not sayng my 3yo won't throw again but it and been about 3 weeks.
I feel like I do this but I don't know how to stop. I feel weird just ignoring her, but that's what I should do? Like this morning, we had a meltdown bc DD refused to do what I told her. Would you have explained once and walked away?
If you give me an exact account like what did you want her to do?
Ha, well, to be honest, I actually question myself about the things I want her to do. I feel like sometimes I dig in my heels because she's acting so out of control and it's something really stupid. But this morning, she wanted to play with her stamps while I got breakfast ready, and I said, ok, just go sit on the potty and wash up first. And then the dramatics and whining and tantrum started. The kicker is she never even did it in the end, but she also didn't get to play with the stamps before breakfast. After breakfast, we drew up her "morning schedule" "just like" her schedule at school, so I'm hoping that will help with this particular battle. We drew pictures and wrote down all the steps she needs to do in the morning.
But in general, the tantrums and refusals could be for anything. It just depends on her mood. And she's just in this place where she "wants to do what I want to do" "listen to what IIII say" "I just want to be a real grown up." So any little thing can set her into this mode. Oh, like yesterday, she was watching Sesame Street, and I turned it off before all the ending credits rolled. She really wanted to see this one sponsored by spot but by the time I turned the TV back on, it was over. So that led to 2 hours of crying over that, then her not wanting me to eat the grapes I'd washed for both of us, then her wanting me to actually spit out the grapes, to her refusing to pee, even though I could tell she really needed to. And then she had a potty accident and I made her take a shower instead of a bath. It was hell on earth.
lala, I used to do 123, but I never read the book and then at some point I read something that made me think I wasn't doing it right and I just stopped doing it. I think I was using to get her to do things rather than to stop things? And you're supposed to do the opposite? No?
It was working though, so maybe I should start again. Actually, the rare occasion that I even start counting out of frustration with no thought and no consequence described, she shapes up or begs me to stop counting. So maybe I should start doing it again legit.
Good question. TO for us is usually sitting in the bottom step but still in the same room. I guess it's more of just a cooling off period for a minute or two. My 5.5 yo is too old for TO, she understands consequences and she is typically a rule follower. Getting sent to your your room is more of the old fashioned kind of punishment, "you sit up here and think about your behavior" sort of thing. We are a family of five so being sent to you room is missing out on family fun. We have sent each of them about 3x and they each also fell asleep up there one time. Seemingly, a nap was needed. But the other 2 times it really has turned around the particular behavior for the long run. Not sayng my 3yo won't throw again but it and been about 3 weeks.
Yea I would consider that timeout. Glad it works for you. BTW no kid is too old for time out I still need them as an adult. If used properly they are a time for a person to regroup. My 8 year old even says "I need some time out" and will go to her room and listen to music and regroup.