Speaking of weddings, tell me to grow a pair

[countthestars]

Ugh. My cousin has been like a sister to me since birth - our moms are sisters and we grew up next door to each other. Our relationship over the past 7-8 years has been complicated - She has had a lot of shit in her life (her mom died when she was nine, which forced her to grow up real fast). We got into a tiff about 8 years ago and she stopped talking to me for a year. It hurt a lot, but we have moved past it and forged a new relationship that is still good but not what it used to be. She was in my wedding.

Anyway, she is getting married on 10/16 and I am now due Sept 30. I was honestly hoping to be due in July but we all know those things don't work how we want them to. I went to 41w3d with dd.

I am supposed to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I obviously have to back out right? I am feeling really anxious about the conversation because of our history and she did just add a sixth bridesmaid to her posse when groom decided e wanted a 6th guy (so obv equal is important to her).

We are supposed to dress shop next weekend.

Tell me to just back out and it will all be ok?

[erbear]

I wouldn't back out, necessarily. I'd talk to her and let her know that you are pregnant, that you want to still be in the wedding, but that there is a very real possibility that you'll have a new newborn and might not be able to do it. Then let her decide.

[spankswife]

Mar 7, 2015 21:44:50 GMT -5 erbear said:

I wouldn't back out, necessarily. I'd talk to her and let her know that you are pregnant, that you want to still be in the wedding, but that there is a very real possibility that you'll have a new newborn and might not be able to do it. Then let her decide.

Ditto

[vanillacourage]

Back out. Honestly, if she doesn't understand then I would see it as a sign that you've outgrown her.

ETA - I said back out and not tell her "I want to but might not be able to...." because I personally don't like it when people put me in that position. I want them to make a decision that works for them, and then I can plan around it. No waffling!

[meltoine]

Mar 7, 2015 21:47:06 GMT -5 spankswife said:

Mar 7, 2015 21:44:50 GMT -5 erbear said:

I wouldn't back out, necessarily. I'd talk to her and let her know that you are pregnant, that you want to still be in the wedding, but that there is a very real possibility that you'll have a new newborn and might not be able to do it. Then let her decide.

Ditto

Tritto. 

[jsillyfun]

Back out. I did it with a one year old and it was hard as hell. standing in heels with a potentially torn vag and a newborn siunds hlike no fun.

[carolinagirl831]

back out, either way still very pregnant or postpartum is going to be uncomfortable.

tell her if you're still pregnant you'd love to attend as a guest, but don't feel you can perform all the bridesmaid duties.

[azurely]

I would back out. If she can't understand, then she's a jerk.

[ECB]

I would back out too. She wants "even" and there is a GOOD chance you won't be there or won't feel up to it. I think putting it on her to decide is just going to add pressure and make HER feel bad if she says "yes, setp down". Be the "bad guy" (althought you're not!) and make the decision.

[krystee]

I would back out of being a BM but try to be as involved as possible in helping her with things, including helping the BMs plan the shower. Are you planning to go to the wedding? Maybe you could volunteer to do a reading of some kind or help her in other ways?

[specialk]

I would back out. There is no way this would be pleasant for you. I was a BM 2 weeks before I delivered and it was rough. I couldn't have done it postpartum.

[laurenh]

Definitely back out graciously now and suggest other ways you can be involved to try and help her while you're feeling up to it, versus when you're exhausted.

[faith194]

I would definitely back out right now. There was no way I could have stood for hours on end, smile pretty, and feel like I could be of any help 2 weeks post partum. I did have a csection, but I still think if I had given birth vaginally, I would still feel a hot mess.

She will be probably be upset, but you know what- you need to take care of you and your baby. She may understand that someday.

[july]

I may back out because of the uncertainty of when you have the baby and how complicated the birth would be. If the baby came on time and was uncomplicated, then I would be fine doing it. I think not doing it because of normal pp side effects is a little dramatic, but to each their own. Bleeding was lighter than a period and nbd. Leaky boobs? They make pads for that. Long day? I hung out with D in a hotel room with others and got ready. Mother of the groom used to have a daycare and loved holding D. I got my hair done. It was pretty nice, actually. Actual ceremony was short. Fed her right before. Snuck out of the reception to feed her more. I also pumped and introduced bottles early and D nursed to a year, so again, nbd to me if I pumped and left a bottle.

I am not sure though if I would want to do it after a c section or one week pp. two week, that's fine.

[kaycee]

This situation happened to me. I had told my cousin when she asked me that I couldn't commit to being a bridesmaid until further along in my pregnancy (she asked me early when I had no idea what would happen later in pregnancy) and that if she wanted someone to commit right then to pick someone else. Then she assumed I would do it regardless. She booked a weeklong bachelorette cruise to Mexico when I was like 37 weeks and I said I couldn't go. She picked a $500 dress before alterations and wanted me to get fitted at like 20 weeks.

I got a ton of advice from friends and family and eventually got the nerve to tell her I couldn't do it. Long before anything was too late. I had health concerns come up and was monitored 3 times a week and had my baby at 37 weeks, so it was good I did back out.

I don't regret it at all. Putting yourself and the baby before a wedding is best for you. She will understand and probably appreciate it. My cousin did not and we have not talked since her wedding. I still think I made the right choice and when she has a baby she will understand.

[countthestars]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. I know backing out is my best option and that I need to do it ASAP. I'm not going to put it up to her because she's so sweet and would probably be too nice to agree that I should back out. I am just really concerned about her feelings and don't want to make this stressful for her.

[cincodemayo]

I feel like "backing out" sounds so harsh! I would probably tell her you can't buy a dress but will be there if you can as a guest.

[linz]

Tell her the news and that you can't do it but will attend if you feel up for it. I wouldn't leave the decision on her as a bride. I was 7 mos pregnant in my SIL wedding. I can't imagine being due or have just given birth and be at a wedding.

[Deleted]

Mar 8, 2015 8:42:28 GMT -5 cincodemayo said:

I feel like "backing out" sounds so harsh! I would probably tell her you can't buy a dress but will be there if you can as a guest.

This is what I was going to say. Don't use those terms. 

Just say, "You know I love you. However, with this baby coming I think it's too hard for me to participate in the wedding proper. I want you to all have fun and enjoy yourselves. So thanks for asking me, but I'm going to decline. Please know I love and support you and if I feel at all up to it, I will there to support you as a guest."

[ECB]

Mar 8, 2015 8:34:06 GMT -5 countthestars said:

I am just really concerned about her feelings and don't want to make this stressful for her.

But telling her NOW where she has 7 months to make any changes is going to be FAR less stressful on her than having a really PG BM and "will she/ won't she" be able to stand up in my wedding, or even come as a guest???

She may be upset - but she's going to be upset if you can't be there at the last minute too. At least now she has time to process it!

[jsillyfun]

I mean lol at postpartum being no big deal. Obviously it's not for some but at two weeks I had painful stitches due to a tear, was still having issues nursing, and was bleeding heavily and wearing overnight pads. I was also delerious from sleep deprivation.

[ECB]

Mar 8, 2015 8:45:04 GMT -5 @this said:

Hahahahahahaha @ "being dramatic about postpartum side effects." WTF, man?

OP, back out. 100%.

Talk about a utter lack of empathy or realizing that an event like GIVING BIRTH is going to be so very different for each and every woman.

JFC.

[Deleted]

Mar 8, 2015 7:58:08 GMT -5 july said:

I may back out because of the uncertainty of when you have the baby and how complicated the birth would be. If the baby came on time and was uncomplicated, then I would be fine doing it. I think not doing it because of normal pp side effects is a little dramatic, but to each their own. Bleeding was lighter than a period and nbd. Leaky boobs? They make pads for that. Long day? I hung out with D in a hotel room with others and got ready. Mother of the groom used to have a daycare and loved holding D. I got my hair done. It was pretty nice, actually. Actual ceremony was short. Fed her right before. Snuck out of the reception to feed her more. I also pumped and introduced bottles early and D nursed to a year, so again, nbd to me if I pumped and left a bottle.

I am not sure though if I would want to do it after a c section or one week pp. two week, that's fine.

You are kidding me with this right? 

I was for lack of a better explanation a brave girl pp. I walked out of the hospital fine, I loved visitors, I was okay being out and about. I didn't have any complications. 

That was fairly easy stuff where I could come and go as I pleased, grab or leave my kids at will etc. 

A wedding is an all day event and most of the night before besides. It's exhausting even not pregnant or with a baby. It's the hair, the makeup, the pictures, the smiles, the chatting with people you barely know, the need to look pretty, the standing up at the ceremony (not all of them short either. If there's any religion involved at all, it's a 1/2 hour of standing at least and it can be a lot pp. Hormones suck that way even if anything else is fine), the sitting through dinner, smiling through the dance and feeling obligated to sit there.  It's a lot. Esp. for a mom who may or may not know how she feels at the time and is stressed about that. 

I mean my own brother is getting married later this summer and I already have a backup plan on where to dump my kids and I'm well out of the NB stage. I'm still preparing for it to be exhausting and stressful.

Would I do it? I'd definitely consider if it was someone closer to me who was easy-going enough to understand the what-ifs and I had great backup care at the wedding. That doesn't mean I'm going to tell a poster who's worried, concerned, waffling and trying to not hurt feelings so is looking for the best option to suck it up because she'll be fine.

[Deleted]

Mar 8, 2015 8:45:04 GMT -5 @this said:

Hahahahahahaha @ "being dramatic about postpartum side effects." WTF, man?

OP, back out. 100%.

*marks that poster with a HUGE asterisk in spreadsheet*

My brother was married when DD was 2 months old. I told them the only thing I'd be is a guest - no readings, definitely not a bridesmaid. Just a guest. And we were, and it was okay (not great, but okay), and I never wished I'd been more involved.

[Deleted]

Personally, there is no way I would be in a wedding that close pp. The first several weeks I spend all of my time nursing and attempting to sleep. The idea of being in a wedding, just omg, no way. I can't even formulate the words.

[vmars]

Nope. I would back out. I was in a wedding recently and one of the BMs had to back out because she lived on the other side of the country and was due 2 weeks before the wedding. The bride(zilla) was very bitter, but that just shows what kind of friend she really is. If she is a good friend, she will be disappointed, but understand. Also, what if you end up with a c-section? I could still barely walk for any extended period of time at that point, so being in a wedding would be my worst nightmare. I hope telling her goes well. Also, if you want to be involved help plan an awesome shower

[jeaniebueller]

I would absolutely back out. Best case scenario, you have your baby Sept 15 and are 4 weeks pp at the wedding. Still, no way would I want to be responsible for wearing a bridesmaid dress. Worst case scenario, you have the baby on 10/5 and are 10 days pp. Either way, newp!

I attended my sister's wedding at 8 weeks pp last summer and it was fine, BUT I was exhausted and counted the seconds until I could sleep and felt completely out of shape and awful in the dress I wore. And that was 2 months out.

[hermione]

Mar 8, 2015 7:58:08 GMT -5 july said:

I may back out because of the uncertainty of when you have the baby and how complicated the birth would be. If the baby came on time and was uncomplicated, then I would be fine doing it. I think not doing it because of normal pp side effects is a little dramatic, but to each their own. Bleeding was lighter than a period and nbd. Leaky boobs? They make pads for that. Long day? I hung out with D in a hotel room with others and got ready. Mother of the groom used to have a daycare and loved holding D. I got my hair done. It was pretty nice, actually. Actual ceremony was short. Fed her right before. Snuck out of the reception to feed her more. I also pumped and introduced bottles early and D nursed to a year, so again, nbd to me if I pumped and left a bottle.

I am not sure though if I would want to do it after a c section or one week pp. two week, that's fine.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  

And allow me to add, LOEFFINGL.

My bleeding was anything but light for a month. Leaky boobs in public suck even with pads. Weddings ARE long days regardless of where you're hanging out - 2 weeks post partum I was exhausted from lack of sleep, no amount friendly banter in a hotel room full of women would have made that better. And as for people holding my 2 week old? Yea, my hormones turned me into a blubbering mess whenever anyone other than my husband or I held her. I knew it was irrational but my hormones didn't.

Oh, and two weeks after my C-Section I still couldn't stand up straight for extended periods of time.

I'll happily take my seat at the dramatic table.

[Deleted]

I'm 3 weeks post partum and mostly I'm too exhausted to function. Physically, I'm very decent, but yesterday my sister was going to take some pictures of me and the baby and it was exhausting just washing and drying my hair, putting on 10 min of very basic make up and picking a sweater that fit decently.

For me personally, I would offer to try my best to attend and I would have been happy to host a shower 3 months before the wedding. Or a bachelorette party is it wasn't anything too physical like going out dancing. But that will depend on how you feel. I had a fairly uneventfully pregnancy until my last week.

[july]

lol. I never said suck it up and be in the wedding. I think most people would be okay with backing out. If not, they suck and I wouldn't want to be in their wedding.

Everyone has different recovery PP. If the wedding is important to someone and the pregnancy was uncomplicated, I feel like it is doable.