How "strict" are you with infant bedtimes?

[Odonata]

We've got her on an awesome routine of bath at 7, bottle 7:30, bed 7:45 - 8:00.  
She STTN and gets up around 6 am.  (trying to get bedtime earlier, but whatever, it's working.)

The IL's use to watch her every Tuesday (at their house) and we would go out.  She would fall asleep at their place and we would pick her up at 9, take her home, put her back down.

They've been in NOLA for 2 months (second home) and just got back into NJ.  So she's been on this routine for 2 months now.  We did the Tuesday thing again and it went horrible.  She would not go down, cried the whole time, and when we took her home it took us 3 tries and until 10:30 to get her to sleep.  Then she was up at 3:30 am.  It took us the rest of the week to get her "back" to where she was.

lesson learned - don't mess with bedtime.

SO - MIL invited us over for a b-day dinner for me since they missed it tomorrow.  She texted "How is 5:00?" and I said fine.  I thought two hours is good for dinner and cake and then we can come home and start bedtime around 7 - 7:30.  Even if we don't do bath we can be home by at least 8 to get her to bed since we live less than 5 min away.

BIL's GF was just over and it came up that MIL told her "come at 5, dinner is at 7 when N comes home"  N is her other son and is apparently working until 7 so she is holding off dinner for him.  I did not know this. 

Do I suck it up and just go over there and hope we can get her to sleep there at the "normal" time?  I've been there for late dinners, we aren't done until 9 or 10 because there is cake and what not.  I feel like she's going to carry on and cry since dinner will be during her normal routine and I'll just be up trying to console her.  Should I call and say it needs to be at 5 or I can't come?  I feel bad b/c it's a dinner for me.  Is this a hill to die on? I'm not sure being new to this.  

[jamer]

I generally don't mess with bedtimes unless a holiday (so like 1 time a year at Christmas). Babies need their sleep and if it makes life hard for you and baby I would just explain and stay home or go for a bit and leave when you need to. If people don't understand oh well. They aren't the ones dealing with getting an over tired baby to bed in the middle of the night

[Deleted]

This depends so much on the kid. Some are flexible on bedtime. DD1 was totally inflexible on her bedtime until around age 3. Moving it around was disastrous. DD2 has been a little more flexible in general but she is still not one of those magical unicorn easygoing babies that can just tough it out until whenever.

In general I tend to prioritize sticking to the schedule though. Even with my more flexible DD2, it's just easier for everyone if we can stick to our routine as often as possible.

[game blouses]

I'm pretty strict with bedtimes because my kids are a mess if they are up past 7. There are times when this can't happen, and it's good for flexibility, but 99% of the time bedtime is at 7.

Honestly, I'd stay as long as you could and still leave in time to get the baby down at home. I'd do a lot of "That's great, but we have to leave at 7. Hopefully we can join you for dinner but 7 is the latest we can stay."

[Odonata]

Thanks, guys. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable when I called and said "Nope. Gotta be 5 or nothing, sorry."

Especially concerning MIL. Because this will turn into "Odonata is such an ungrateful DIL....I go to make a birthday dinner for her and she blah blah blah." SO I want to make sure it's worth it. And I'll let H know and have him call, I think.

I'm annoyed now she didn't tell me dinner was at 7.

[nikki25]

I would suck it up in this case but you know your child best. My DD was amazingly flexible with sleeping anywhere at any time. Now, my one twin is just like this but the other I need to be more conscience. He will FLIP, like FLIP shit keeping him up a minute past his 730 bedtime. This kid needs a lot of sleep and doesn't hold-out well. Honestly, I would bring a pack-n-play or place her in the car seat when it is her bed time. Set it up in a bedroom, put her to 'bed' and walk away; she may fall right asleep. That way she will go down at her regular time and you can hang out with the family.

[game blouses]

Mar 13, 2015 15:42:41 GMT -5 Odonata said:

Thanks, guys. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable when I called and said "Nope. Gotta be 5 or nothing, sorry."

Especially concerning MIL. Because this will turn into "Odonata is such an ungrateful DIL....I go to make a birthday dinner for her and she blah blah blah." SO I want to make sure it's worth it. And I'll let H know and have him call, I think.

I'm annoyed now she didn't tell me dinner was at 7.

It's definitely worth it. Hopefully if you do this enough times throughout the year, with a hard stop that accommodates the baby's schedule, you'll run into less drama around the holidays.

[londoncalling]

It was kid and situational dependent for us. DD1 was a beast if she was out of routine, DD2 was able to go with the flow a bit. Right now your DD seems like she's in her routine, and isn't good at varying from it. The risk of being up late, plus again in the middle of the night, and then having to get back to routine sounds way too expensive to me for dinner and cake.

[shellbear09]

I think this is rude of her to invite you at 5 and not have dinner until 7 especially without telling you. My family knows we don't stay out late with dd. I would have your H call and she has the option to move up dinner or reschedule.

[londoncalling]

Mar 13, 2015 15:45:04 GMT -5 game blouses said:

Mar 13, 2015 15:42:41 GMT -5 Odonata said:

Thanks, guys. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable when I called and said "Nope. Gotta be 5 or nothing, sorry."

Especially concerning MIL. Because this will turn into "Odonata is such an ungrateful DIL....I go to make a birthday dinner for her and she blah blah blah." SO I want to make sure it's worth it. And I'll let H know and have him call, I think.

I'm annoyed now she didn't tell me dinner was at 7.

It's definitely worth it. Hopefully if you do this enough times throughout the year, with a hard stop that accommodates the baby's schedule, you'll run into less drama around the holidays.

Precisely.  People don't even blink when we turn down invites in the middle of the day that are 12-2 (aka naptime in our house) or dinner too late.  They may talk about us being inflexible, but we certainly don't hear about it.

[Odonata]

Mar 13, 2015 15:48:35 GMT -5 shellbear09 said:

I think this is rude of her to invite you at 5 and not have dinner until 7 especially without telling you. My family knows we don't stay out late with dd. I would have your H call and she has the option to move up dinner or reschedule.

I feel the same way, but I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe she's not use to us not being as flexible since we just had the baby AND when she was living in NJ last A was small enough where she would sleep anywhere, no problem.

But, then again, if you're changing a dinner time to TWO HOURS later and the people you invite have a kid, you gotta let them know.

And then on the other, other hand, MIL has been known to throw twists just to stir up drama, so.  

And yeah, it's best if H calls.  Not only because it's his mom, but also so I'm more removed since it's a dinner in my honor. 

[meij]

DD was really flexible with bedtime and could stay up really late, not be cranky and sleep late to make up for it. It didn't really mess a schedule or anything, she was very go with the flow.

DS falls apart if it's 7:30 and he's not in his crib or doing the steps to get him to his crib.

So with DD we would go places and not worry about messing up bedtime. We do not with DS.

[ilikedonuts]

Wait its your birthday dinner and she basically lied about the time? After the complete disaster that happened after watching your kid this week?

Yeah no.

You get to get be as rigid if you want. Its your kid.

[biogirl21]

J is supper flexible with his bedtime. In general, he will sleep 12 hours no matter what time he goes down and will fall asleep easily. I feel like I earned this because he was up 2+ times a night until he was 9.5 months old, lol. So although we aim for bed between 7:30-8, sometimes going to bed later doesn't really matter for him.
BUT, if it did matter, which it sounds like it does for your DD, no way would I flex bedtime so much. It took an entire week to get her straighten out? Nope. I would tell them you can come hang out for a bit, but you have to be home by 8 at the latest.

[laurenh]

My number one rule is we do not mess with bedtime, and number two is we do not mess with naps. DD is 2 now and our families know to not even ask lol. We are all happier when sleep "schedules" are followed. We tried to be flexible a few times and it just didn't go well.

[Odonata]

Mar 13, 2015 15:48:43 GMT -5 londoncalling said:

Mar 13, 2015 15:45:04 GMT -5 game blouses said:

It's definitely worth it. Hopefully if you do this enough times throughout the year, with a hard stop that accommodates the baby's schedule, you'll run into less drama around the holidays.

Precisely.  People don't even blink when we turn down invites in the middle of the day that are 12-2 (aka naptime in our house) or dinner too late.  They may talk about us being inflexible, but we certainly don't hear about it.

My parents are use to this b/c they have 3 grandkids from my brother.  NOTHING happens during nap time and bedtime is only flexable during Christmas and Thanksgiving.

On my birthday (last weekend) my dad made me dinner - at 3 pm - to accommodate all of the kids and their sleep schedules!  

OK, now I'm annoyed that we're accommodating BIL.  Damn it.  

[nessness]

I will keep DD up an hour past bedtime sometimes and it's not too bad, but 9 or 10 would be difficult. I don't think you're being unreasonable (but given your history with your ILs, I would have your H call and take responsibility).

[lmb5109]

I can understand waiting for the other son to come home but this is a birthday dinner for you right?

I am pretty strict with DD's nap & bedtime, as she has gotten older I've been able to put her down a little later at night for special occasions like holidays but she always wakes up middle of the night and she's a solid STTN toddler. My MIL has always given me shit for coming late to things or leaving early because of DD napping or bedtime. So I would be texting/calling my MIL to see if dinner is really at 7 and if it is, can this be on a weekend so dinner can be earlier.

[Deleted]

We've eaten at 5 for 3 years now because of my niece:)

I would agree to mess with it only for big holidays, out of state visit, etc.

[mlt]

We try to keep our kids pretty flexible because MH and I have nutty work schedules. Sometimes I get home at 6, sometimes 7:30. MH gets home first and tries to keep them up so I can see them. We follow their cues though and if they are tired he puts them down. DS1 usually is in bed by 8:30. DS2 is usually in bed by 7:30.

[londoncalling]

Let your H push this one and establish the times that NOTHING happens for you guys.

[linz]

We messed with bedtime last week by a half hour and they were a hot mess. So no, I know now not to mess with it. If your parents want to see her tell them to come to your house so she can go right to sleep. That's what I do.

[Odonata]

Mar 13, 2015 15:51:47 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

Wait its your birthday dinner and she basically lied about the time? After the complete disaster that happened after watching your kid this week?

Yeah no.

You get to get be as rigid if you want. Its your kid.

I guess it's her way of making sure we're there for more than just food.  IDK.  LIke I said before, she likes to stir up shit...or lay the foundation for shit stirring.  Which is why I'm asking here if I'm in the right because I need to make sure it's worth it.

[Odonata]

Mar 13, 2015 15:52:45 GMT -5 laurenh said:

My number one rule is we do not mess with bedtime, and number two is we do not mess with naps. DD is 2 now and our families know to not even ask lol. We are all happier when sleep "schedules" are followed. We tried to be flexible a few times and it just didn't go well.

I was just talking with my mom who did her nightly phone call and her response was the same as everyone's (i.e. WTF she changed the time and didn't tell you?  It's your b-day dinner and she's waiting for BIL??)

But she also said "while you should follow a schedule, you need to get A use to being flexible as well"

Well,now I"m all sorts of confused how to do that.  lol.  I think I'll stick to the schedule.  We're happy in the house - everyone else can suck and egg.  lol.  

[felicity]

Your MIL was rude.

Also, it's not just for you to stick to the bedtime. Why do that to your DD? I'd totally play the whole guilt card, like "oh DD is just so unhappy when she misses her bedtime, it's so hard for her and she just cries and cries. I would love to have a later dinner but I just feel so bad doing that to her, DON'T YOU TOO, MIL???"

[laurenh]

Odonata I honestly think schedule flexibility works for some kids and just doesn't for others. I have friends whose babies and toddlers could roll with the punches but I am confident my kid is not one of them lol. I will however say that in the last 2 months DD has slept between 3 homes, 3 sets of caregivers, and went days without seeing us, or only seeing us for an hour at a time because we'd have to get back to the hospital, and she has been amazing as long as she sleeps. So she can definitely be flexible as long as her routines are followed, it just isn't necessarily the same flexibility another kid might be able to do.

[Odonata]

Mar 13, 2015 16:23:28 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Mar 13, 2015 16:04:15 GMT -5 Odonata said:

I guess it's her way of making sure we're there for more than just food.  IDK.  LIke I said before, she likes to stir up shit...or lay the foundation for shit stirring.  Which is why I'm asking here if I'm in the right because I need to make sure it's worth it.

You put everything into such antagonistic terms (and that's a lot coming from me) - I feel like that is just making your life harder.  Any chance you can just go and hang out for a bit at 5?  Stop and get food or order something so it's home when you get home at 7 and proceed as normal?

I mean, if you don't want to hang out with them, fine.  But if you do, you can do so without eating.

I normally would but its a birthday dinner for me so I would assume it would be rude of me to leave early before dinner and cake.  I dont see how this question is antagonistic at all given those circumstances  But you do find all my posts to be antagonistic.  

[ECB]

Mar 13, 2015 16:07:40 GMT -5 Odonata said:

But she also said "while you should follow a schedule, you need to get A use to being flexible as well"

Well,now I"m all sorts of confused how to do that. lol. I think I'll stick to the schedule. We're happy in the house - everyone else can suck and egg. lol.

Stick to your schedule. Some babies are flexible about bedtime, some aren't. Mine wasn't. I was always strict w/ his bed time. And I really don't know how you get a baby to get "used" to being flexible.

Now, there ARE ways that we've worked on DS being flexible. With where he sleeps, with being cool w/ getting up and going somewhere unexpectedly, etc. But his actual bedtime? No. HE has always dictated that. Meaning- I followed his lead of when HE was tired.

And I agree- set this expectation NOW so that with future events, no one is surprised when you either leave early or don't come at all.

[Odonata]

Mar 13, 2015 16:16:49 GMT -5 felicity said:

Your MIL was rude.

Also, it's not just for you to stick to the bedtime. Why do that to your DD? I'd totally play the whole guilt card, like "oh DD is just so unhappy when she misses her bedtime, it's so hard for her and she just cries and cries. I would love to have a later dinner but I just feel so bad doing that to her, DON'T YOU TOO, MIL???"

Yeah I actually get really sad when she's crying so much and I know it's because we've kept her out and she's off.  She's so freaking sad.

Yesterday I went to visit a friend 2 hrs away with A and I left at the start of her nap time so she slept the whole time.  I couldn't get her down for her second nap while there a few hours later and she cried so hard and would not stop.   So I was like "well, I guess I'll go home now since I know she'll sleep in the car."  I mean, if she's that damn sad, why force it?  No one is happy then.

[Odonata]

I am wondering if maybe I can bring her bath over there and try to mimic bedtime? It might work, but I don't want to set precedent either. eh, I'll see what H says when he calls her tonight Thanks for the advice, everyone.

I always want to make sure I'm in the right with ANYTHING concerning MIL, because WARS have been fought over the stupidest shit with her. It makes me second guess everything.