Yes, it is tough. Not to the point that we're on the verge of divorce, but it's just a whole new world.
C consumes a lot of my time and energy with BFing, and sometimes I feel like he's attached to me constantly when I'm home. A lot of the things that I used to do, especially laundry and cooking, are places where H has had to pick up the slack. I still do 60-70% of what I was doing before, but if I'm feeding C, I often ask H to start a load of laundry, get dinner started, empty the dishwasher, etc. Some days I feel like we're roommates more than husband and wife, but I know it'll get better.
Post by karinothing on Mar 15, 2015 12:41:46 GMT -5
No but Dh took 3 months off, i took 6. We had great warm weather and went on a lot of trips. So best situtation possible? We have a very easy going marriage though, he is kind of impossible to fight with
Yes, it was horrifically hard on our marriage. DH had never even held a baby before (he's an only child), let alone cared for one. He is also ridiculously useless MOTN and with no sleep. I was BFing and developed a huge mommy martyr complex. It was bad, bad, bad.
So don't do any of that okay? SHARE the responsibility. TALK to each other about how you feel BEFORE it develops into resentfulness. COMPROMISE on anything and everything.
I'll be honest, J was hard but the twins nearly destroyed our marriage. It was so f*ing hard.
The motn was so much worse and I do not do well with little sleep. The things we said MOTN were downright awful sometimes like page said, we made a rule to never speak of it again and pretended like it didn't count.
Honestly, we agreed before they were born that neither of us could make a decision about the marriage for the first yeAr. It was sort of a joke when we did it but we actually had to fall back on that a few times.But the girls turned 1 yr yesterday and I'm happy to say we made it. We made it and we truly are stronger than we were before. We did learn a lot about ourselves and our marriage and learned how to communicate better than we ever did before. The silver lining of those few months spent in hell. Lol
This post sounds like the first year was awful. It wasn't all bad! There were many many times of joy and happiness. But I'm trying to be honest and say that yes, it did test us very much, but we made it
I guess my biggest fear is that we tend to have disagreements in which we each think we are doing more than the other. We are probably both right and both wrong on occasion, but keeping score is not going to work with a baby. Any tips for getting off on the right foot from the beginning?
It's very hard. We're still finding our new balance. I think breastfeeding exacerbated the problems because it makes it very easy for Mom to become the default caregiver, and it gets frustrating for Dad to try to soothe the baby.
My DH was AMAZING in the first few weeks of survival mode. He really kept the ship afloat and did everything he possibly could and we were actually really really happy and enjoying things. However he was off work for ~6 weeks and gradually he found it harder to bond with the baby and he got bored and started working on his hobbies, leaving me to do the baby care. And if he did take the baby, I couldn't count on any specific amount of time to myself and I would get "stuck" with the baby every time he wanted to eat. Then the score keeping really started.
Our current system is that we divided up the hours of the day and on weekends, we literally have a schedule where we each have assigned hours of being responsible for the baby (with the caveat that first and foremost we are a team and we help when needed). If the baby needs to eat during DH's hours, I feed him (and usually he does something like getting me food/water or doing dishes). Whoever is on does all diapers. As soon as I'm done feeding DS, he goes back to Dad. This has made a huge difference for us both. We've tweaked it a bit but it helps so much to have clear expectations.
Thankfully, it wasn't too hard on us. I had a relatively easy recovery and my mum was there from the 2nd week till he was 5 months. DS didn't sleep through the night till 10/11 months? but typically went back to sleep after nursing. Also, my husband was really good at soothing the baby. We both watched Happy Baby on the Block and he was pretty good with the 'Ss.'. The only thing he couldn't help with was breastfeeding.
The newborn period was fine. It was not not SSTN for 2.5 years that almost killed us. Like, it's the #1 reason we aren't having another.
We are a lot happier now that he's sleeping. Our relationship has gotten better over the last year. It was fine, but we were like ships passing in the night.
Post by barefootcontessa on Mar 15, 2015 13:37:59 GMT -5
Not really. My DH is pretty unflappable and very easy to get along with. We really came together as a team, each trying to support each other as best we could. I find having older children is harder on our marriage because we do not always agree on the best way to handle something.
I guess my biggest fear is that we tend to have disagreements in which we each think we are doing more than the other. We are probably both right and both wrong on occasion, but keeping score is not going to work with a baby. Any tips for getting off on the right foot from the beginning?
We've been like this too - things like "you take the dogs out, I did it last time" or whatever. I made a conscious decision to remove that attitude when it came to DD. We do much better when we each have our roles/responsibilities and stick to them, and thank the other for doing the things that are "their job". So H took over dog duties completely and I handled all the MOTN baby stuff. But we were both ok with that (that was key). We also had to be nice to each other and not bicker in the early days since MIL was here for 8 weeks
The first 6 months of DS2's life were the hardest period in our marriage (we'll be married 9 years this year). The sleep deprivation and dealing with a toddler and a newborn. OMG. So, so hard. We went to counselling for a couple of months. I think even the most solid marriages get tested with the trials of dealing with newborns
It was no problem for our marriage. I had a lot of experience with babies, so it wasn't such a shock to my system. H had a bit of trouble adjusting on his own, but as far as our marriage was concerned, he was crazy helpful. For the first few weeks, he cooked 3 meals a day for me. I took care of baby and he took care of me. He relied on me for the parenting stuff, so it was a bit less stressful for him.
6.5 months in and things are mostly fine. We bicker more than before the baby, but we thankfully haven't had any major fights. Somehow we survived the first three months when DD basically never slept. She still gets up all night, but now at least she's easier to put down. I do fine if I go to bed by 830/9. I have to get up at 530 for work and I'm usually up once feeding the baby and 2 other times to listen to her fuss on and off for 10-30 mins. My H would like me to stay up later and spend time with him watching tv, etc but he gets in bed at night, falls asleep, and that's it. He's a very sound sleeper so he doesn't wake up when DD cries. I get up every time then I have trouble falling back asleep. He will help if I physically wake him up but I'm such a light sleeper I'd be up anyway while he tended to her. This is our biggest struggle by far and often makes me reconsider having another.
Post by gibbinator on Mar 15, 2015 14:16:20 GMT -5
I get very snippy when I'm tired - physically from sleep deprivation or carrying a clingy baby all day, and mentally from just being needed 24/7.
I direct it all at dh, even though he's really only responsible for about 15% of my feelings. I know I'm being a jerk when I do it, and I try to apologize as soon as I'm calmed down.
He's not happy I treat him like that but he does accept my apologies graciously. I'm glad he's not one to go on the defensive
it was a rough time, but not really so much on our marriage. DD had colic and we struggled a lot for the first 3 months. We were a team though. We tend to be score keepers too and H, correctly (in my opinion!), made sure to dote on me and step up to often go walk the screaming baby/take her to another room so I could get some sleep because he knew that those first months were a lot harder on me than him.
Overall, it wasn't bad. DH was a saint in helping with my BF struggles and was just a very equal partner, which helped a lot. That's not to say we didn't have our pissy middle of the night moments though!
eta: plus he was used to minimal sex from me being so sick during my pregnancy. Sorry H!
I haven't finished reading yet, but I just thought of one and will forget it by the end...
There is such a thing as being "touched out". Days where the baby wants to be held all day, is cluster feeding, and then your H get home and starts rubbing your shoulders, thinking it's helping, and all you want to do is hand over the baby, rip off your skin and crawl beneath a rock to have some time alone.
Um... Not that that happened to me or anything... (At least once a week).
Just be open and honest. I had to tell my husband that it was not a reflection on him, just that I needed to get away and NOT be touched for 20 minutes. To just feel like my body was my own and that no one needed me for anything.
Post by timorousbeastie on Mar 15, 2015 14:35:22 GMT -5
Let's just say that one (of many) big reason we are one and done is that I'm fairly certain that our marriage couldn't stand going through another newborn period. It was rough on us.
It was pretty rough on us and we are now getting back to a point of good. Counseling has helped a ton. Not really baby related things got us fighting but everything else did. I think I had some PPD but thought it wasn't bad enough to seek help. My PPD was towards our marriage so a little different than normal. Again counseling helped with recognizing triggers, how to "fight" fair and that we are both just different people with different needs.
Post by lizlemon19 on Mar 15, 2015 14:56:40 GMT -5
Well we skipped the newborn phase and adopted older children but the 1st year of parenting was really, really hard. There were times I wanted to kick out DH and put his stuff on the lawn.
I can definitely relate to being touched out. Poor DD is mostly on the recieving end of my stress related to that. She will sit next to me and stroke my arm and face while I'm nursing DS and I want to scream! I have literally begged her to stop touching me.
I really didn't like the pressure of being the only one to soothe the babies because I bf. I pumped and kept bottles in the fridge since both kids were only a few days old. That way if I'm in the shower or have something I want to do without having to stop and feed the baby H can just pull out a bottle and feed the baby. This also let's me sleep in on the weekends since H is a morning person anyways.
The day we brought DD home from the hospital DH brought her to me because she was crying while I was in the shower. I got really stressed and anxious because I just wanted to shower and felt like she had been attached to me 24/7 since she was born. The PP hormones definitely exasperated that feeling. I started pumping the next day.
Making sure you get alone time for just the two of you is key. I notice that if we go too long without a date night or at least some decent alone time where we can chat and reconnect we bicker a lot more. It's like we forget to be spouses and just fall into the parent role.
It definitely gets better as your kid gets older and less dependent on you for everything. You will have more time and energy to focus on each other again.
Our hardest period was probably when she was 8-9 months old and I was going back to work again after the summer (I returned from ML in March, then was out in June for the summer, then had to go back in late August). The newborn period wasn't hard because I wasn't working, could sleep at odd times if necessary, and everyone is very understanding of everything. C was a good newborn, and giving up trying to breastfeed made it infinitely more enjoyable. Pumping sucked a bit, but it was okay.
Same here. The first 2-3 months were actually pretty nice. We were on cloud nine, and being on maternity leave meant that I had more free time and less stress than usual. We did things like snuggle up in bed at night while I nursed the baby and watched movies or played scrabble. We had a lot of together time and didn't worry about stuff like cooking or cleaning.
Things got really tough a few months later when the baby still wasn't sleeping, the effects of long-term sleep deprivation had set in, we were both trying to balance work and parenthood, and we couldn't justify ordering take out and watching Netflix every night because "we just had a baby." I think 9-18 months has actually been the hardest on our marriage with every kid. Even now, I feel confident that our marriage could survive another newborn, but I am not so sure we could make it through having a one year old again.
The newborn phase was difficult in and of itself. I think H and I were both pretty prepared for how hard it was going to be, and handled things well. I also had a difficult labor and after that, we felt super bonded to each other.
Over time though, I would say that dd's second year was harder on our marriage. It had a lot to do with my awful boss and a bunch of changes, or desired changes, at work. My boss ignites a fear-driven perfectionism in me that was previously suppressed. I still feel like the world will come crashing down if I don't keep everything spinning, which I can get really angry and resentful about.
A good friend made the analogy that a woman's brain is like a desktop computer with a million browser widows open at the same time. When to register dd for preschool, does she have enough clothes for this summer? Is she making friends? What are we giving her friend for the birthday party at 4 today? Etc and on and on. My husband is oblivious to that stuff and it makes me BATTY when he sits on the couch watching baseball while I buzz around doing things.
Post by estrellita on Mar 15, 2015 16:45:07 GMT -5
H and I have been closer than ever since E was born. I've had a ridiculously rough time with my BFing/pumping troubles and just the general difficulties of having a newborn, but H has been amazing. We have snapped at each other a few times and some things have been said, but overall things have been good. I think it really depends on your personalities and ability to handle stress. I think having a plan helps, especially for MOTN (this is part of our problem - things would be easier if we had an understanding that each of us handles wakeups at certain times on certain days). We also work together. Like I will change him while H gets a bottle ready, then we switch off feedings depending on what the other is doing. We've also been trying to spend time together, even though it's pretty much just binge watching Netflix or going for an occasional walk. E is with us of course, but it's nice to do things together!
ETA: Of course we've only been doing this for 3 weeks so it could potentially get worse. I'm thinking when I return to work it might get hard again because I don't function well off of little sleep. Also about the newborn cuddles.. I do love when he lays on my chest and sleeps, but we put him in the infant seat/rocker or swing quite often to sleep in during the day so we can do other things too.
Post by Queen Mamadala on Mar 15, 2015 17:06:53 GMT -5
Dd1 - No, because he was deployed until she was 3 months. I did have PPD, but it was at its worse while he was overseas. Dd2 - It was rough with her for many months. She was colicky and very high needs... didn't sleep more than two hour stretches until 13 months. No sex until 7 months, but these things didn't necessarily hurt the marriage. He deployed when she was 8 months. Ds1 - hmmm... different situation since he died. We were both grieving in our own way, but the marriage didn't necessarily suffer. He deployed five months later. Ds2 - he was deployed for a year from 5 weeks until he was about 4.5 months. Though he was home for R&R for two weeks from the day before his birth until he was 13 days old, but it wasn't a challenging period of time. After four babies I had a system down and was prepared for the adjustment, but having done it alone before it was an easy adjustment (minus ds's tongue/ip tie and breastfeeding issues). He was actually my easiest, most laid back baby.
Dd3 (second marriage) - there's a lack of sex, due to PPD, body image issues, and no sex drive, and he's very understanding and compassionate. She's his first, and I did explain to him the first six weeks can be challenging for new parents. We didn't really struggle during the early weeks, as far as adjusting to a new LO. I just had a rougher recovery due to PPH. He was great during that period. Very helpful and attentive. Dd was actually pretty mellow until 8-9 weeks until her reflux started acting up, but she's still pretty laid back most times.
I didn't really worry about us, I mostly worried about him adjusting to it as a new parent.
Post by angelstar975 on Mar 15, 2015 20:00:17 GMT -5
I really thought we were going to divorce those first 3 months, and we even had a pretty good sleeper. But it's such an adjustment, and it was definitely hard on us those first few months. It got better right at 3 months, which is when DD started STTN.
Well DS was colicky and we hadn't figured out his reflux so although it was hard in the beginning it was more "us against the monster" (sad but true). Long term sleep deprivation and PPD for both of us set in later and really made things rough from about 4-9 months. I am guilty of keeping score and sometimes I can be a mom martyr while DH lags in response time. So don't do that