Was the newborn period hard on your marriage?

[MadamePresident]

Actually it wasn't. It was a life adjustment and there were times I got frustrated because I did most of the baby care. I was nursing and didn't work. My husband just isn't great with babies (he is the best toddler dad though). We had good sleeping babies and co slept so I got fairly decent amount of sleep.

[winecheery]

It was hard in the beginning. We said hateful things to each MOTN due to frustration and sleep dep. The rule about things said in the MOTN not counting was our most important agreement. We also slept in shifts for the first month to try and ease some of the shock of the sleep dep. That way we got longer uninterrupted sleep.

Honestly, the sleep thing was the hardest part for us. Otherwise, getting used to breastfeeding and dealing with pp care were the big other challenges of the first couple of months, but they were MY struggles, and as such, DH wasn't really affected by them, and they didn't have a huge impact on "us". But!!! He was a rock throughout all that for me. He set up my bathroom supplies so I could easily access everything I needed while I dealt with pp bleeding/recovery, he sat with me when I passed a clot the size of my fist, and didn't bat an eye, he let me cry and listened patiently to all my hormonal rambling, and he talked me off the ledge more than once about my mental battles with nursing.

Basically he was a good partner. And we kept communication open, which I felt was key too. Sounds like you are being upfront with your concerns about potentially having PPD, and sounds like your H wants to be a source of strength for you.

In turn, especially as DD gets older, there are moments where H cannot handle something…and I swoop in, tell him to take a break, have a moment to himself, etc. It's important that I have his back too.

You'll be ok!

[jorja]

My daughter is four months old, so I guess we are officially on the other side of the "newborn" phase, although I know the whole first year (and beyond) can be challenging.

I would say that we have had some of our best and worst relationship moments over the past 4 months. Seeing him become a father and how much he loves her as well as how awesome he was at helping me when I was a mess immediately postpartum have been pretty amazing. General sleep deprivation and frustration during high stress times has lead to some pretty heated moments. Nothing that I felt anywhere close to threatening our relationship, though.

I'm still planning to marry him in 6 months, lol.

I will say that I was able to go back to work part time only, and therefore assume most of the responsibility around the household chores without resentment, which was our big issue prior to baby, so I think that helped tremendously.

[niq]

The total utter sleep deprivation didn't last very long for us. And I got the first two weeks off. But there were lots of hard moments. And there were more of them when his sleep hit the wall around 6 months.

I think post-baby we are both letting our negative emotions run and express them to each other more often. We get better at not doing that, then we get worse, then we get better, then we get worse, then we get better.

[mrssandro]

Yes...both times. Worse the second time but we are making it through it.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I257 using proboards

[thecatinthehat]

The first 10 days was surprisingly easy--or I should say easier than the next 8 months. I remember we would be watching TV all the time and we were all "This isn't so bad, look at how how much TV we get to watch now!" LOL that ended very quickly. The newborn phase would have been easier if DH didn't work like so fucking much when DS turned 3ish months. I also plan for the next baby to supplement from the beginning especially MOTN. I refuse to do all the wake-ups again. I didn't see the point in DH waking up MOTN when I am the one feeding anyway and I am never the person who falls back asleep easily. The lack of sleep and no help really affected me and made me miserable. DH wanted to help but I wasn't making milk enough to build a supply and then when I did DS hated the bottle because we re-introduced it too late . It was definitely hard enough that I thought having another kid was for sure going to break us. We didn't fight a lot but when we did it was big. I really wished me and DH were more prepared for those things.

All in all the first year was fucking hard especially for me. I think the second one should be easier (at least I hope it will be). I probably just jinxed future self and now she'll be stuck with a colicky baby! LOL

[grosnl19]

Yes it was hard. Lack of sleep and being the sole source of food for DD nearly broke me. I SAH so I did pretty much everything, looking back I would have insisted DH do more.

Since we were both sleep deprived we were extra snippy/short for awhile.

[kategm]

The newborn period was awful, but not so much for our marriage. It wasn't perfect, but we were both being screamed at equally and were pretty good at switching off when needed.

I will agree that 10 months+ has been worse. DD was an absolute joy from 5 months - 10 months. Then she started crying at every diaper change, throwing tantrums right and left, and it wears on me. A lot. DH doesn't quite understand because he's working full time (I work part time) and going to school so he doesn't see a lot of it. It's harder for me to "tap out" since DH is busier and and doesn't understand WHY I need a break. But I'm putting my foot down more and just asking for it. Like I pretty much say, "I want a break. I'm going to a movie - let me know if I should go Saturday or Sunday."

[ktw]

We had been together for 13 years when DD was born, married for 4, and we have never fought anywhere near as much as we did when she was 0-4 months old. We both require a lot of sleep, which we were not getting. On top of a newborn, H was working a new job with a 3 hour per day commute, so I was trying to do all night time wakings because he was so stressed and tired from working. In addition to requiring a lot of sleep, we're both very light sleepers, so even though I was getting up with DD, it didn't mean that he was sleeping, and vice versa when he would try to do a wakeup for me.

I really don't know what we could have done differently, and I wish I could tell you that I know it will be easier with our next kid, but I don't. We are both snappy and cranky when we're tired, so we were both quick to argue, especially MOTN. The advice about trying to forget what is said in the MOTN is good. I would usually mention it in the morning if he really annoyed me, but try not to dwell on it. The only thing I think you can really do is remember that it will pass. Also, once I was cleared, I'd try to force myself to have sex even if I really wasn't in the mood because we would both feel better and more connected if I did.

I will tell you, while DD's first year was by far the most difficult of our relationship so far, I don't feel like our marriage is permanently damaged. If anything, I think we're even stronger now. It was never a situation where I thought we were going to get divorced or anything, I just felt like everything he did pissed me off/annoyed me and vice versa.

[CloudBee]

Yes. And I find it goes in phases as they age. "Almost" 2 has been difficult on us, too.

[aspentosh]

I think it could be hard on a marriage, yes. I think ultimately it comes down to how you all will support each other when sleep is limited and you have a screaming newborn.

For us it really solidified our marriage because I was an emotional mess and H was my rock. He was there for me when I needed him and really helped out a lot. I was very lucky.

[shaynaatl]

It wasn't bad for us. Sleep deprivation wasn't fun but we got used to the lack of sleep and still being able to function at work. I don't remember any fighting. DD is now 1 and STTN thankfully.

We had a major advantage though as my parents were here helping us whenever we needed it. They lived with us for the first 6 months which was huge.

[minzy]

Either it wasn't that hard for us, or I have blocked it out, haha.  Certainly sleep deprivation is no picnic, and that was especially hard on me in particular about a year ago (DD2 slept horribly and DD1 was a non-napping threenager during the day), but we tried different things and got through it.  I don't ever recall us being nasty in the middle of the night, so I wouldn't say that's a given.  We are very much a team and parenting is no exception.  We are also both pretty big on delayed gratification (i.e., savers by nature, have trained for and run marathons) and know sometimes you just have to put the work or time in to get through something.  We've also weathered the bar exam together, a miscarriage, extended family health issues/deaths, job changes and several moves over the years, and have taken most of that in stride too.  Divorce has never crossed my mind.

[christy082]

I'm only a month into it, but so far our marriage feels stronger. My H is so level headed and pretty much nothing phases him. He has experience with babies whereas I don't, and I have anxiety issues. He's been awesome with me and the baby. I think I've only seen him frustrated literally 3 times in the last month.

I've struggled with breastfeeding (and really hated it in the beginning) and he's been incredibly supportive of that. He never hesitates to change her or hold her or try to calm her if she's crying. Sometimes I feel like he's doing all the work when he's home, but I remind myself that a good portion of my days and nights are spent breastfeeding. I feel like we are really a team in this.

We know the first year of a baby's life is the roughest on a marriage and I think being aware of that and making a conscious effort to talk to each other and keep the marriage strong is helping. I've read him the advice in this thread and we're definitely adopting the stuff said at night doesn't count rule and tapping out. Of course I know things could change and rough times are ahead but he balances me so well, I'm hopeful our marriage won't suffer too much during this time.

[Deleted]

No, it was actually the best year of our marriage so far.

This whole toddler thing...man, this year is not going to be super great for us. Lol. Apparently we work best as a family unit when the 3rd member doesn't talk, has zero opinions or preferences, and takes 2-3 naps a day.

[mandapanda18]

Mar 15, 2015 11:51:56 GMT -5 curbsideprophet said:

I think we fought more in DDs first year than the previous six years combined. Sleep deprivation is no joke. It does get better, but the early days were very rough for me.

This was us too... we had been married 7 years before C and never fought like we did the first year of his life. 

[spk926]

I'm trying hard to remember but I don't think it was so hard. We had been married 5 years, together for 11 before she was born so I think knowing each other so well helped us. He knew when I would start to get annoyed and visa versa. We knew how to feed off of one another (in a good way) and step in. Not saying everything was roses, but it was just like life went on....but with a newborn in tow. Was off for 3 months following DD's birth, went back to work for a month then was off for 3 more months for the summer. I think that really helped.

[sillygoosegirl]

It's been pretty hard so far (DD is 4 months old), but not so much hard on our marriage as hard on each of us as individuals, though I think a lot moreso on me. Still waiting for breastfeeding to stop sucking...

[cilantro]

We did amazingly well with a newborn. Keeping everyone away so it was just our family of three bonding together was really right for us.

A mobile, dare devil toddler has been way harder!

[Deleted]

I think we did relatively well during the newborn stage but I attribute that to:
DH having a 12 week leave at the same time I did.
Formula feeding.

Between the 2, we were able to plan our sleep in such a way that we were always mostly rested. I'm not talking about 8 hours a night every night but 6+ hour stretches at least 5 nights/week. We played to our strengths in that DH is an early riser and I am not.

I am far more frustrated/overwhelmed at 6.5 months with DH working FT+, me working PT (3 8hr days), and having our moms in our home a total of 3 days/2-3 nights per week.

[pinkyp]

Yes and no. We had only been married 5 months when I got pg, and I've often thought that in a perfect world we would have gotten used to married life for at least 2-3 years before kids. We did a pretty good job of tag-teaming, taking shifts those first few weeks especially. The 4-7 month mark was the worst bc H was diagnosedwith an autoimmune disease that caused constant pain so he was unable to work or help me w the baby very much. I felt like I was either working (part-time) or caring for him and DD and had zero time to myself. We definitely both need our "me" time, and if it doesn't happen, shit gets ugly!!

[Deleted]

Not really.  The first night home from the hospital DH declared he "hadn't slept in days" and ditched us for an uninterrupted six hours of sleep  but after that he was amazing. Living in a small space while on maternity leave while DH worked from home was tough but B was born in the summer so I tried to get out and about for at least a few hours everyday.  Bonus is that I lost a lot of weight from walking.

[pinkyp]

Mar 17, 2015 11:58:30 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Not really.  The first night home from the hospital DH declared he "hadn't slept in days" and ditched us for an uninterrupted six hours of sleep  but after that he was amazing. Living in a small space while on maternity leave while DH worked from home was tough but B was born in the summer so I tried to get out and about for at least a few hours everyday.  Bonus is that I lost a lot of weight from walking.

The third night we were in the hospital, my husband went home to sleep in our bed because he was so exhausted. I had to eat our "celebration" meal with my SIL

[Deleted]

Mar 17, 2015 12:03:59 GMT -5 pinkyp said:

Mar 17, 2015 11:58:30 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Not really.  The first night home from the hospital DH declared he "hadn't slept in days" and ditched us for an uninterrupted six hours of sleep  but after that he was amazing. Living in a small space while on maternity leave while DH worked from home was tough but B was born in the summer so I tried to get out and about for at least a few hours everyday.  Bonus is that I lost a lot of weight from walking.

The third night we were in the hospital, my husband went home to sleep in our bed because he was so exhausted. I had to eat our "celebration" meal with my SIL

Men suck!  He and I were both falling asleep and I was like "wait, we can't both be asleep" and he got so mad and was like "but I'm SO tired."  I was all "did you honestly just say that to me?"  I guess adrenaline isn't as strong in men though because just before this he had left to go to the store to buy formula - the only thing we needed because our "baby friendly" hospital discharged us at 9 pm with only 4 ounces - and came home with the entirely wrong kind.

[mellimel19]

Not really. The first few months were pretty rough on me personally because I was having a lot of breastfeeding issues, but DH has been great since day 1. He's taken over a lot of cooking and household stuff, and has been very supportive. We're also both very easygoing people, and were blessed with a pretty decent sleeper, so that helps too. I've actually been very proud of how well we've come together as a team this first year.