I just talked with H about how we need to be really kind and gentle with each other over the next couple of months after the baby comes and that our lives will feel completely different, but it won't always feel as hard as it will the first few weeks. He was all like, "We've got this! I'm so excited! We'll have a routine down in no time and we'll be just fine!"
So I took a different tack and said that I was concerned about me and how much I hate being cooped up and how poorly I operate on no sleep and that I'm concerned I may get a little bit emotional/depressed, even though I have wanted this for years. He seemed to get it a little more then.
I guess my biggest fear is that we tend to have disagreements in which we each think we are doing more than the other. We are probably both right and both wrong on occasion, but keeping score is not going to work with a baby. Any tips for getting off on the right foot from the beginning?
Anything said between the hours of 10 PM and 8 AM doesn't count. Make this a hard and fast rule for the first 3-4 months. Anything that goes on in those hours you just ignore and pretend like it never happened.
Post by curbsideprophet on Mar 15, 2015 11:51:56 GMT -5
I think we fought more in DDs first year than the previous six years combined. Sleep deprivation is no joke. It does get better, but the early days were very rough for me.
Post by noodleskooze on Mar 15, 2015 11:52:28 GMT -5
I think it depends on personalities too. My H is basically unflappable, so the newborn stage wasn't too hard for him, or he never let on that it was, which meant that he picked up the slack I couldn't manage like MOTN wake ups.
It was very challenging for us. I agree that going into it knowing that it's a phase and that you're going to be more agitated with each other than normal will help. My H tends to be more of a bottler and I tend to over communicate and share everything, so I think we had to work really hard to find a good balance. Things are easier now than they were in those early months. I think knowing that will help with subsequent kids.
Yes, both times it has been hard but in different ways.
It is hard because in the early days, if you are breast-feeding, that is the easiest and quickest way to soothe a crying baby. Obviously your husband can't do that. Consequently, I know that my husband has felt somewhat disconnected from the baby until he is older and more interactive and they can play and do other things. It sucks now sometimes but we know we each have parenting strengths and weaknesses (H is totally unfazed by toddler antics that drive me insane, for example.)
We do have a few rules that have helped, though:
-nothing was said in the middle of the night "counts" in our marriage. Obviously, you can't be total dicks to each other and forget about it but it makes it easier to move on if something stupid slips out.
-have a code word or phrase that means "I cannot take this baby anymore and you need to come get him right now." Don't be afraid to "tap out" if you need to. Our rule is that if either of us uses the phrase, the other one goes in, no questions asked.
-schedule individual time for each of you. On Saturday mornings I sleep in. I look forward to that all week. It helps me get through a really rough nights.
Overall, the thing that has made the second time easier is that you to know that it will end. It does get better. Your kid will eventually sleep through the night, and you will feel like a human again. I keep that in mind when things get bad.
Post by Wonderwall on Mar 15, 2015 11:56:19 GMT -5
The fourth trimester as they call is SO hard.
I wish I had been more prepared (like it sounds you are) and less romanticized about it.
I was tired. So was he. I was crabby and had some mild PPD- I cried at the drop of a hat. I didn't know what I was doing so that turned into scared/nervous/guilt.
Sex? What sex? Lol
The post partum period is hard.
You guys will make it. Just try to help each other out as much as possible.
Take shifts so you guys can each get some sleep when you can get it.
Try to put the nagging on the shelf. Both of you.
It will pass though. It's good that you're thinking about these things. Though know that you will probably be just as side swiped so to speak by the experience - regardless of how much you "prepare".
Most of all - do try to enjoy it as much as you can.
I didn't believe it when people would tell me it would go by quickly. Honeslty, it's flown by.
Post by undecidedowl on Mar 15, 2015 11:59:31 GMT -5
He does seem to have his head in the clouds a bit. Newborns and routines don't mix well. It's kind of just go with the flow for awhile. But it sounds like he is excited and has a positive attitude and you are prepared for some of the emotional ups and downs so you guys will figure it out.
We struggle with keeping track also, but mostly with the overnight stuff. And like others have said, that doesn't count anyway.
Yes, it was really hard. We knew it would be rough going into it, but I didn't really know how rough. Until DD was sleep-trained at 5+ months, evenings/naptimes were super stressful and we found ourselves snapping at each other constantly. DD was really difficult to get to sleep, so that was a huge part of it.
Yes, the whole first year was very very very hard on us. It is still hard sometimes since I am pretty much 100% responsible for the care of DD while we are both at work.
I was very depressed and gained a ton of weight. She still doesn't STTN, but my husband and mother and brother stepped up and help now because sleep deprivation of 1+ year was really taking a toll on me.
DD didn't develop anything that resembles a routine until after she turned 1 year old. That of course didn't help matters either.
Now with her at 15 months and being a little more independent do I finally feel like my life is turning a corner for the better and I sometimes have time to think about just myself again.
But she's so cute and fun to hug and dress up and play with!
Yes, both times it has been hard but in different ways.
It is hard because in the early days, if you are breast-feeding, that is the easiest and quickest way to soothe a crying baby. Obviously your husband can't do that. Consequently, I know that my husband has felt somewhat disconnected from the baby until he is older and more interactive and they can play and do other things. It sucks now sometimes but we know we each have parenting strengths and weaknesses (H is totally unfazed by toddler antics that drive me insane, for example.)
We do have a few rules that have helped, though:
-nothing was said in the middle of the night "counts" in our marriage. Obviously, you can't be total dicks to each other and forget about it but it makes it easier to move on if something stupid slips out.
-have a code word or phrase that means "I cannot take this baby anymore and you need to come get him right now." Don't be afraid to "tap out" if you need to. Our rule is that if either of us uses the phrase, the other one goes in, no questions asked.
-schedule individual time for each of you. On Saturday mornings I sleep in. I look forward to that all week. It helps me get through a really rough nights.
Overall, the thing that has made the second time easier is that you to know that it will end. It does get better. Your kid will eventually sleep through the night, and you will feel like a human again. I keep that in mind when things get bad.
The "tapping out" advice is so wise. In fact that's our phrase. "I'm tapping out".
Post by changedname on Mar 15, 2015 12:06:38 GMT -5
I found the first year of marriage harder than the first year of having a baby tbh. From my friends, I've noticed that the best thing is to try and make sure your h is confident with the baby from the get go. I think we have a tendency to "take over" and feel that we know best. Like pp said, it's especially hard if you breastfeed because it's the best way I calm the baby in the beginning.
Post by moopoint17 on Mar 15, 2015 12:09:38 GMT -5
Very. I don't think our marriage ever fully recovered from ds1. But thinks got better with ds2.
H is incredibly helpful - during those newborn stages he did everything he could to help me and ds. However, he never thinks before he speaks. So, the most harmless comment made to me during those hormonal and sleep deprived nights were like the end of the world to me. And because he was also sleep deprived, he would never remember to shut up. Still happens now, when I'm constantly up with ds2.
I have thought the same thing about newborn cuddles. They seem kind of....inert...and I was wondering if I was broken for not being super excited to hold a newborn for 20 hours a day.
I suspect my H is not as unfazed/confident as he sounds and he is just trying to keep my spirits up since I am a big worrier.
Yes. Sleep deprivation is a bitch. DH and I also felt like we couldn't get angry or blame the baby, because it's just a baby, and instead we would turn on each other. We had to take a step back, recognize we were just frustrated because they baby had been crying for hours, or hadn't slept much that night, or insisted on eating all day.
Post by Jalapeñomel on Mar 15, 2015 12:14:44 GMT -5
Yes, that first year was rough. DH and I had been married for 10 years, so we were very set in our ways. Having D around really shook up the routine.
We did really argue per se, but we built up resentment, and DH had some serious post partum depression. We also moved back to the US, and he started a new job and D was a preemie, so a lot of things were happening at once.
With colicky DD and a DH who worked around the clock while I was struggling to do my own work, yes. So very, very hard. We definitely didn't have enough support and that made us snappy and miserable and resentful.
This time around, I lined up all the paid help possible and took all friends up on their offers to cook for us or hold the baby while I showered. I also make much more use of things like grocery delivery services and have set aside dedicated time periods for dates as well as for "me" time. One of my biggest mistakes the first time around was not scheduling enough time for myself or for each other, even if that scheduled time with each other is spent at home after the kids are asleep. And if I want to go to yoga or sleep in on a Saturday, DH and I talk about that early in the week so that we're both committed to that plan.
I have thought the same thing about newborn cuddles. They seem kind of....inert...and I was wondering if I was broken for not being super excited to hold a newborn for 20 hours a day.
I suspect my H is not as unfazed/confident as he sounds and he is just trying to keep my spirits up since I am a big worrier.
Just so this thread isn't all downsides, holding a newborn can be pretty darn sweet.
And in any case the biggest upside of the newborn phase is it ends quickly.
Post by redpenmama on Mar 15, 2015 12:21:05 GMT -5
Yes, it was extremely tough on our marriage with our first, who cried for her first 3 months, never slept, and never wanted anyone but me to hold her. There wasn't really any fighting between H and me (I was too tired to fight), but there was definitely resentment on both sides. I will say that it disippated naturally over time as DD got older and we got sleep. I do think it took a full year, though, to feel like our marriage was normal again.
The second time around, we didn't really experience much of that. I think we were used to kids, knew what we were getting into, and had a much easier baby, so there was less sleep deprivation and stress.
Another thing, "tapping out" is great, if your DH works traditional hours. Mine didn't. Nights were on my own. That wasn't the hard part. DS1 would sleep once asleep even though he would wake every two to eat. During the day, though, was torture. He screamed, non stop, unless he was held and walked around. Couldn't be in a carrier. Had to be on our shoulder.
The waking every two to eat sucked but really got "better" once I accepted that was what was going to happen and just roll with it. Trying to control or change it was worthless and really hard on me.
Things got better around 4 months and kept improving from there.
I think having a kid really solidified what I think was an already strong marriage between DH and me. He really stepped up to the plate in the first weeks as I recovered from a CS.
Still, there were some really, really, hard times in the first 3 months. We both had moments we weren't proud of and we both said some terrible things in the middle of the night. I learned that a sincere "I'm sorry" can go a long way. I also learned to ask for help. Perhaps most importantly, I learned that if you have to temporarily adjust your standards as far as scheduled, house cleaning, etc - that's ok.
I do want to say it's ok not to enjoy the newborn period and hope it passes quickly. Some like it, some don't and that is fine. I personally have no regrets about not savoring the moments of her trying to cause me to go permanently deaf.
I agree with this and what page said. You will not love every minute every phase and that's a-okay.
For us the newborn phase wasn't bad at all. But newborns are my A-game. H is pretty unflappable like a pp mentioned. A toddler and a 3.5 year old though? We're both at the end of our rope as I type.
Everyone is different. Work out a plan. Learn to live and let live. And honestly, take some of it as it comes. The stuff you tend to worry about 3am pre-newborn isn't as likely to happen as some other stuff kwim?
I feel like the newborn period was hard on me, and I felt a lot of resentment towards DH and therefore it was hard on our marriage. I felt very "touched out" with breastfeeding, and felt like I could never get a break. I became jealous of DH because he could go do whatever he wanted and not have to worry about feeding a baby. DH was helpful during the newborn phase, but without boobs, I definelty had the bulk of the "work" and that was hard on me. The biggest thing for me was being able to get a break...after I was cleared to exercise I started going for a walk by myself or going to the gym, even going to target for 30 mins was enough to clear my head and give myself a break. And as others said, make it clear when you need to "tap out". Some night when DD wouldn't sleep we would just pass her back and forth every 30 mins.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Mar 15, 2015 12:30:39 GMT -5
I think it helped us. H took care of everything for several days after my c/s. We split all baby duties and feedings 50/50. H took more night wakings when I needed to sleep. He did everything I needed and more.
I don't remember much from the first four months marriage wise. I don't remember any fights- oh wait- one in front of our friends over taking DS to a quiet restaurant at a month. I was pissed, but DH ultimately won and we ordered in. I was a freakin' hormonal mess. However, I don't remember anything earth shattering. Granted, DS did not sleep well, we were figuring out his MSPI and DH was home for the first four months due to being a golf pro, oh and my father died which took a lot of the emotional stuff in a different direction.
We have had bigger fights since then about parenting, but we have always come through with a better understanding about ourselves and conflict resolution. If we end up fighting in front of DS, we always try to make up and say sorry in front of him as well. We want him to know that we get angry, but we show we can be forgiven. This happens rarely, as I am a person who leaves the situation before we get mad in front of DS.
This is rambling response, but know that the fact you are thinking and talking about this now is a great sign that you will come out just fine. Communication is a must and be kind to yourself.
I have thought the same thing about newborn cuddles. They seem kind of....inert...and I was wondering if I was broken for not being super excited to hold a newborn for 20 hours a day.
I suspect my H is not as unfazed/confident as he sounds and he is just trying to keep my spirits up since I am a big worrier.
My son slept alone from day one. I only held him for a nap if I felt like it. He preferred to be swaddled in his crib.