White Mom of Biracial Kids: What I Do To Their Hair is NOYB

[summer]

1) "I think it's important to teach young children that their bodies belong to them." No touching from ramdom strangers

2) You can't win. Look at poor Beyonce.  Just nod and say, "No worries. We got this" and change the subject. 

[Deleted]

Look, heifer, YES, YES white women touch the hair of black babies ALL DAMNED DAY. White women with children of color are often incredibly insufferable, because they act like they are the first to experience discrimination and OMG, know they know JUST WHAT IT'S LIKE!

Shut.up and fix your baby's hair.

Seriously though, I get what she's saying but I don't think she understands or even wants to understand the generations of intolerance and bigotry that make black folks feel some kind of way about unkempt black folks' hair. It's inappropriate for others to comment, yes but they're really trying to "save" a woman who doesn't know from the expected judgement that we expect when black children are in public in their natural state.

Do your hair, put lotion on them ashy knees, and do not show up in public looking like an unloved vagabond.

[Deleted]

Also, I'm heavily side eyeing her claim that she's "leaving her baby's hair in it's natural state." Natural hair is a thing now. People are owning that shit, and black folks are applauding them. If she had that baby's curls properly laid out, I can't figure anyone but the very old saying shit except omg, those curls are pretty.

In reality, home girl has that baby looking ratchet and unloved, rolling out with bedhead and is getting full time shade over it. He's four. If you don't want to do his hair, cut it.

Either that or just flat out own you ain't doing shit to that child's hair and let the haters stand to the left. Acting like people are on your case solely because you are white makes me feel all the feels this morning.

Save your solidarity for the cause for something else.

[skwcm80]

Mar 24, 2015 7:30:51 GMT -5 summer said:

1) "I think it's important to teach young children that their bodies belong to them." No touching from ramdom strangers

2) You can't win. Look at poor Beyonce.  Just nod and say, "No worries. We got this" and change the subject. 

I agree. When DD started kindergarten I made sure to let her know that it is fine to tell anyone not to touch her hair.

[IIOY]

Mar 24, 2015 7:39:23 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

In reality, home girl has that baby looking ratchet and unloved, rolling out with bedhead and is getting full time shade over it. 

[iammalcolmx]

Mar 24, 2015 7:36:18 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Do your hair, put lotion on them ashy knees, and do not show up in public looking like an unloved vagabond.

Thread closed. This is part of Black culture, deal with it lady.

[ttt]

Does this look bad? 





I'm wondering if dad gets the same thing when he goes out with them. I'm guessing not. 

[Deleted]

Mar 24, 2015 7:44:24 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Mar 24, 2015 7:36:18 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Do your hair, put lotion on them ashy knees, and do not show up in public looking like an unloved vagabond.

Thread closed. This is part of Black culture, deal with it lady.

Yes!! That's why this whole blog post is bothering me so much. This woman does not understand why black mothers have a thing about keeping their babies looking well groomed, cleaned, and properly dressed. Now I'm not honestly saying she's got to have that baby looking like Easter Sunday full time or anything. I just need her to understand the root of people's concerns.

She sees her baby as just hers, some cute little thing she and her husband are raising together. She's looking at the situation through the lens of white privilege and that's fine. It won't be fine though when other people see her child on the street as he grows up, especially a little black boy on the playground, looking big and rough.

Now that's society's problem. I know that. And they are going to see him as big and rough even if he was out there looking like Tiger Woods at the Master's. (Please see Trayvon Martin). But the primary reasons black folks are reacting some kind of way to her is 95% an ingrained concerned that we need to look as nonthreatening as possible at all times. I need this woman to understand that if she's going to raise a black boy in this world.

Not that she needs to teach her son to be non-threatening but that she needs to make sure he's aware that people are crazy.

[thejackpot]

I can't like some of the pp enough. She really needs to get over herself. If you are planning to raise biracial kids you need to know that for many AA's looking groomed is essential. I can't tell you how many times I have been slathered with lotion and all that jazz before my mom sent me out to play. You know what? I do the same thing for my kids- they are clean and well groomed most of the time and if I have to go some where important after picking them up from school I will most likely have a change of clothes ready. As far as hair goes, there is a distinct difference between bedhead and natural hair. My ds has a small afro and dd has a baby fro, they don't just go. I have to moisturize and brush their hair.
You don't need to buy stock in Bronner Brothers but there is no harm in buying a tub of shea butter it has many uses, ywia.

[teflepi]

I am 4 years in and still am trying to figure out LT's hair. Sometimes, I forget to brush it. I have had people at LT's DC brush his hair and now I leave a brush he likes to do it himself. I know it is a concern, but sometimes, I just run out of time in the AM sadly. I am just too old to worry about everyone else anymore....we are working on it and that is the best I can do.

[CrazyLucky]

Mar 24, 2015 7:46:28 GMT -5 ttt said:

Does this look bad? 





I'm wondering if dad gets the same thing when he goes out with them. I'm guessing not. 

So cute.  My kids are the same age and I love pictures of them being nice to each other.  I don't think dads get near as much helpful advice about hair or clothes regardless of their color.  It's more like "Oh, they aren't naked?  Great job Dad!"

[sandsonik]

Mar 24, 2015 7:50:07 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Mar 24, 2015 7:44:24 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Thread closed. This is part of Black culture, deal with it lady.

Yes!! That's why this whole blog post is bothering me so much. This woman does not understand why black mothers have a thing about keeping their babies looking well groomed, cleaned, and properly dressed. Now I'm not honestly saying she's got to have that baby looking like Easter Sunday full time or anything. I just need her to understand the root of people's concerns.

She sees her baby as just hers, some cute little thing she and her husband are raising together. She's looking at the situation through the lens of white privilege and that's fine. It won't be fine though when other people see her child on the street as he grows up, especially a little black boy on the playground, looking big and rough.

Now that's society's problem. I know that. And they are going to see him as big and rough even if he was out there looking like Tiger Woods at the Master's. (Please see Trayvon Martin). But the primary reasons black folks are reacting some kind of way to her is 95% an ingrained concerned that we need to look as nonthreatening as possible at all times. I need this woman to understand that if she's going to raise a black boy in this world.

Not that she needs to teach her son to be non-threatening but that she needs to make sure he's aware that people are crazy.

I'm not aware that white people see natural hair as threatening in any way though. If anything, it's the opposite. Has there been some kind of study done as to hairstyles and preconceptions?

I'm really not comfortable with the idea that everyone must conform and that resistance is futile. Those kids should wear their hair however they want, or in the case of the younger one, however her mother wants. Evidently their dad is done with it as well, so what's the problem? I guess the pressure to fit in starts really, really young! Kids that young should be outside playing, not worrying about what they look like.

[Deleted]

Mar 24, 2015 8:16:28 GMT -5 teflepi said:

I am 4 years in and still am trying to figure out LT's hair. Sometimes, I forget to brush it. I have had people at LT's DC brush his hair and now I leave a brush he likes to do it himself. I know it is a concern, but sometimes, I just run out of time in the AM sadly. I am just too old to worry about everyone else anymore....we are working on it and that is the best I can do.

As long as you don't think it's because black folks hate you or have never heard of biracial children or adoption. I think that's where she lost me, fwiw.

And little tef is always looking cute. Don't you worry.

[teflepi]

Mar 24, 2015 8:19:52 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Mar 24, 2015 8:16:28 GMT -5 teflepi said:

I am 4 years in and still am trying to figure out LT's hair. Sometimes, I forget to brush it. I have had people at LT's DC brush his hair and now I leave a brush he likes to do it himself. I know it is a concern, but sometimes, I just run out of time in the AM sadly. I am just too old to worry about everyone else anymore....we are working on it and that is the best I can do.

As long as you don't think it's because black folks hate you or have never heard of biracial children or adoption. I think that's where she lost me, fwiw.

And little tef is always looking cute. Don't you worry.

 I don't think people hate me, or I don't care.  I used to care, but as I close in on 40....I feel like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon

[Deleted]

Mar 24, 2015 8:19:29 GMT -5 sandsonik said:

I'm not aware that white people see natural hair as threatening in any way though. If anything, it's the opposite. Has there been some kind of study done as to hairstyles and preconceptions?

I'm really not comfortable with the idea that everyone must conform and that resistance is futile. Those kids should wear their hair however they want, or in the case of the younger one, however her mother wants. Evidently their dad is done with it as well, so what's the problem? I guess the pressure to fit in starts really, really young! Kids that young should be outside playing, not worrying about what they look like.

[summer]

Mar 24, 2015 7:44:24 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Mar 24, 2015 7:36:18 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Do your hair, put lotion on them ashy knees, and do not show up in public looking like an unloved vagabond.

Thread closed. This is part of Black culture, deal with it lady.

I don't even try to make people understand this anymore though.  When I leave DD with oma and opa for a few days her skin is dry and her hair looks like a rat's nest and is braided and lopsided and put up any kind of way.  I die a little inside that she has been out in public like this for days, and then fix it asap. But I've tried an failed to get them to understand why it's sooooo important to me. 

And my child's head doesn't have a kink or a curl in it!  

[summer]

You know what I sideeye now that I'm thinking about it... people ALWAYS say DD1's hair must be "so hard (to get lice out of, to comb through, etc...)". iammalcolmx, @smo, @nitax, origami, asdfjkl @sou Desafinado You have all seen my child's hair up close and personal.   HOW is it "hard"??

[iammalcolmx]

Mar 24, 2015 8:19:29 GMT -5 sandsonik said:

Mar 24, 2015 7:50:07 GMT -5 @helenabonhamcarter said:

Yes!! That's why this whole blog post is bothering me so much. This woman does not understand why black mothers have a thing about keeping their babies looking well groomed, cleaned, and properly dressed. Now I'm not honestly saying she's got to have that baby looking like Easter Sunday full time or anything. I just need her to understand the root of people's concerns.

She sees her baby as just hers, some cute little thing she and her husband are raising together. She's looking at the situation through the lens of white privilege and that's fine. It won't be fine though when other people see her child on the street as he grows up, especially a little black boy on the playground, looking big and rough.

Now that's society's problem. I know that. And they are going to see him as big and rough even if he was out there looking like Tiger Woods at the Master's. (Please see Trayvon Martin). But the primary reasons black folks are reacting some kind of way to her is 95% an ingrained concerned that we need to look as nonthreatening as possible at all times. I need this woman to understand that if she's going to raise a black boy in this world.

Not that she needs to teach her son to be non-threatening but that she needs to make sure he's aware that people are crazy.

I'm not aware that white people see natural hair as threatening in any way though. If anything, it's the opposite. Has there been some kind of study done as to hairstyles and preconceptions?

I'm really not comfortable with the idea that everyone must conform and that resistance is futile. Those kids should wear their hair however they want, or in the case of the younger one, however her mother wants. Evidently their dad is done with it as well, so what's the problem? I guess the pressure to fit in starts really, really young! Kids that young should be outside playing, not worrying about what they look like.

We have been speaking about how Black people with natural hair have had issues not only in the workplace, but in schools, and out in public.

If you think it's OK for kids to go around looking a hot mess( not saying this applies to this woman's kids) in order to not "conform" then KOKO.

[iammalcolmx]

Mar 24, 2015 8:31:19 GMT -5 summer said:

You know what I sideeye now that I'm thinking about it... people ALWAYS say DD1's hair must be "so hard (to get lice out of, to comb through, etc...)". iammalcolmx, @smo, @nitax, origami, asdfjkl @sou Desafinado You have all seen my child's hair up close and personal.   HOW is it "hard"??

Do Americans believe this or is it the Germans?

[Deleted]

Mar 24, 2015 8:33:02 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Mar 24, 2015 8:31:19 GMT -5 summer said:

You know what I sideeye now that I'm thinking about it... people ALWAYS say DD1's hair must be "so hard (to get lice out of, to comb through, etc...)". iammalcolmx, @smo, @nitax, origami, asdfjkl @sou Desafinado You have all seen my child's hair up close and personal.   HOW is it "hard"??

Do Americans believe this or is it the Germans?

Yes, yes, I wish to know because I believe in America, your baby's got "the good hair." At least it looks that way in pictures.

[twotrue]

I'd just like to apologize for all white people and how stupid we are. We really reach out and touch black hair all the time?! My god, we're embarrassing.

[DirtySouth]

Mar 24, 2015 8:40:44 GMT -5 @smorriso said:

Another thing to think about with white privilege in the topic of hair and appearance, because I see this shit in the art world all the damn time, is that white people can get away with looking a hot mess.

A white lady with frizzy curly hair in scrubby pants is a granola cruncher, who probably drives a Subaru. A black lady with beady beads(or frizzy hair for those unversed) in scrubby pants and looking unkempt is low income, unrefined, etc. Appearance for black folks is absolutely a representational thing.

That shit drives me nuts. Because white peoples can look a hot mess (not talking people of Walmart) and not be taken any less seriously. People of color don't have that luxury. We're judged and prodded upon first inspection.

This mother needs a reality check. For the sake and safety of her son.

I don't agree with this.  Make the white lady fat, and she's considered trailer trash.  And in my profession at least, even the thin white woman wouldn't be taken seriously unless she works at Legal Aid.  White women also have this ridiculous pressure to be thin, but black women can have some cushion and still be considered "beautiful" (as an example, Queen Latifah for Cover Girl).  I don't by ANY means mean that it's easier to be a black woman than a white woman (and agree that the opposite is true), but I do think in general that societal pressure for ALL women to look a certain way is just way out of control and total BS.  I don't think any women, regardless of color, can "get away" with being non-traditional in terms of our looks without a whole lot of criticism.

But this was totally an off topic tangent.  More on topic, I was really thankful and also embarrassed when my biracial son's daycare teacher pointed out his dry knees when he was about one and nicely told me I needed to be doing something about it.  It didn't even occur to me to be all I DO WHAT I WANT WITH MY OWN KID!  Once she educated my ignorant ass, I was embarrassed that I'd been letting my kid walk around like that.

[twotrue]

Mar 24, 2015 8:40:44 GMT -5 @smorriso said:

Another thing to think about with white privilege in the topic of hair and appearance, because I see this shit in the art world all the damn time, is that white people can get away with looking a hot mess.

A white lady with frizzy curly hair in scrubby pants is a granola cruncher, who probably drives a Subaru. A black lady with beady beads(or frizzy hair for those unversed) in scrubby pants and looking unkempt is low income, unrefined, etc. Appearance for black folks is absolutely a representational thing.

That shit drives me nuts. Because white peoples can look a hot mess (not talking people of Walmart) and not be taken any less seriously. People of color don't have that luxury. We're judged and prodded upon first inspection.

This mother needs a reality check. For the sake and safety of her son.

I've had several white privilege reality checks because of this board and this is one of them.  My daughters' hair (white girl hair but curly) rarely gets done before school.  Mornings are such a clusterfvck at our house.  I usually just tame the curls a bit and clip the front out of her face.  And nearly every day I pick her up from school and her hair is done up.  On the occasions I've asked her who did her hair she states her assistant teacher or the YMCA teacher - both of whom are black women.  So I'm sitting here wondering if the fact that these women have not had the luxury of looking a hot mess without judgement is what has them taking care of my daughter's hair.

[sugarglider]

Mar 24, 2015 7:25:38 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

I bet these are old church mother black ladies. They are they biggest "you need to comb/perm/fix" that hair culprits IMO.

haha, omg, a close family friend (and a church friend) falls into this category. Only she went straight to 10-year-old me in stirrup pants instead of my mother. She's the reason I dress up for church and err on the side of overdressing. I needed that.

It's not always necessary to be defensive.

[summer]

Mar 24, 2015 9:23:26 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Mar 24, 2015 9:16:47 GMT -5 sugarglider said:

haha, omg, a close family friend (and a church friend) falls into this category. Only she went straight to 10-year-old me in stirrup pants instead of my mother. She's the reason I dress up for church and err on the side of overdressing. I needed that.

It's not always necessary to be defensive.

My grandma HATES my bushy afro wigs. "What is that on your head?" with this look:





Old ladies want your hair fried, dyed and laid to the side. FIX IT JESUS!

That was the look on my aunties' faces when I went home last summer with natural hair.  That look and "Chile, what did you do to your hair? I don't like it. I don't like it at all."

[origami]

Mar 24, 2015 8:31:19 GMT -5 summer said:

You know what I sideeye now that I'm thinking about it... people ALWAYS say DD1's hair must be "so hard (to get lice out of, to comb through, etc...)". iammalcolmx, @smo, @nitax, origami, asdfjkl @sou Desafinado You have all seen my child's hair up close and personal.   HOW is it "hard"??

I got nothing. Because it's not thin and stringy? I don't know. It's hard to get lice out of everyone's hair. My hair is impossible to comb through but the only people who comment on that are the stylists at the salon. No one else notices or cares. So yah, I got nothing.

[NitaX]

Mar 24, 2015 9:00:19 GMT -5 jamaicam said:

I hope I"m not going to get flamed for this, but there was a small part of me that was glad that I didn't have a daughter as I was scared I wouldn't be able to do her hair well and I'd be judged for it. Obviously, I'd have learnt and figured it out but I knew that no matter how hard I tried, some people would have an issue with my attempts.

Now I just have to deal with the huge number of idiots who tell me that I am 'lucky' that my DS2 has got such 'good hair' ... with the unsaid implication being that my DS1 has got 'bad hair'. I try and compensate by telling my DS1 how much I love his curls - which has now resulted in DS1 not wanting to get his hair cut as he doesn't want to lose his curls!

Nope. Because quiet as it's kept, I wanted boys too. I am one of three girls. My entire Saturday existence has been spent all day with either a pressing comb or in someone's beauty shop. I prayed to the Lord for boys so I could just go to the barber shop and get them chopped up. But NAWL. The Lord gave me two girls who both have thick hair. 

[NitaX]

And to sandsonik - funny that I had a conversation this weekend white a white guy about my hair. First thing out of his mouth was that he loved it and that as a child of the 70s, he was glad to see that natural hair was making a comeback. AND he mentioned that he was glad that the stigma associated with natural hair being unprofessional was diminishing. 

So, here's the other thing about needing a "study" for everything. My life as a black person shouldn't always need a study to back up my experiences. Like - black folks have known for YEARS that little black boys were being suspended more than their peers. Only recently have studies come out to reaffirm what we've always known - which is why we say "In Sky is Blue and Water is Wet News." 

We know that folks associate afros with with Black Panther Pro Black Nationalists. Hence the need to try and straighten your hair and not appear angry or radical. Black folks always have tried to conform to majority culture in an effort to simply stay alive. Want to get a job in an office of white folks - don't appear menacing; don't be too strong. In the words of my favorite poem "We Wear the Mask." Or as I was recently reminded by a dear friend "Don't forget that you have to play the game and be 'double conscious.'"

I don't expect you to get it or understand, but don't come in here and tell a bunch of black folks that we must be lying about the way we are treated based on our hair. White folks out here putting all the rainbow of colors in their heads. I BET NOT come up int he office with blue hair or else I'll be deemed Ghetto. So - basically to your comments - NAWL and ...


 

[NitaX]

Mar 24, 2015 10:17:40 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

I want a daughter! I want to comb hair!

Don't worry. Imma send you Nae. But, be warned. She talks A LOT. 

[childofhiphop]

Just adding... I think the child's hair appearance does matter to the father. True experience: I was car shopping and the dealer salesman asked me to please, please stay for 20 minutes because he called his wife and she was on her way and if I wouldn't mind teaching her how to do their bi-racial daughter's hair.

She may be nonchalant about how her child looks unkempt. He KNOWS it matters. IMO.