I think it's weird to celebrate your XH getting called out for being an addict by drinking an entire bottle of wine. You got called out for having fucked priorities and no self control! I should get drunk!
I dislike this board more than I like it lately.
I'm sorry you feel this way. Is there a reason for this?
I've found myself frustrated almost daily by either posters who are accepting being treated like crap by men under the guise of "fuck buddies/fwb" or being feeling spiteful toward their exes or people posting about literally nothing but dating and guy-related queries. Like yes this is a board about getting your life back and that will involve dating but if all you've posted in the last month is about dating, features you love on a man, reasons a man has left you, etc - I'm going to roll my eyes and be annoyed that this is all you want to talk about.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Mar 28, 2015 9:05:31 GMT -5
The thing is, we made the choices to have children with people who are addicts and act foolish. I did too. And I have no place acting all wide eyed and innocent when XH shows his ass on the daily by doing something chock full of jackassery. I knew the man had a problem. I wanted children anyway, thinking he was in a "partying phase" and that he would eventually grow up and quit it. But I don't hate him. And there's truly no point in me continuing to be angry about choices we both made. So I'm not going to wish he would go to jail or lose his job or get bent and I'm not going to celebrate his life crashing and burning. None of that makes me a good person or a good mom. I think I see a lot of anger toward exes on this board. It's ok to be angry for a little while. It's not okay to be angry and resentful and vengeful for years.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
A lot of my friends think I should hate my stbx, but I just can't. I know he has problems, and since they're not my problems anymore, I try not to hold onto the anger. But when I first left and he would tell me how he "didn't want to live without me" and was "afraid he was going to do something stupid", I'd be lying if I said I didn't think to myself, "go ahead and do it then!" Did I really want him dead? No, of course not. But sometimes what is actually the worst case scenario for that person seems like it would be easier to deal with for everyone else.
My "flameful" is that I met him for a drink after work yesterday since it would have been our 5th wedding anniversary (were together for almost 12 yrs), and I sent in the first piece of divorce paperwork for filing. I figured it would cultivate some goodwill for when he needs to sign the papers. It was short and went just fine.
Post by onedayatatime on Mar 28, 2015 10:13:31 GMT -5
I actually have a flameful - I still have been talking to the first guy that went on a date with and have gone out two more times - but I have no romantic feelings for him. I wanted to give it a couple more chances to see if anything would go anywhere. He's fun to talk to but it just isn't going to go anywhere - I just haven't been able to figure out how to tell him that :/
The thing is, we made the choices to have children with people who are addicts and act foolish. I did too. And I have no place acting all wide eyed and innocent when XH shows his ass on the daily by doing something chock full of jackassery. I knew the man had a problem. I wanted children anyway, thinking he was in a "partying phase" and that he would eventually grow up and quit it. But I don't hate him. And there's truly no point in me continuing to be angry about choices we both made. So I'm not going to wish he would go to jail or lose his job or get bent and I'm not going to celebrate his life crashing and burning. None of that makes me a good person or a good mom. I think I see a lot of anger toward exes on this board. It's ok to be angry for a little while. It's not okay to be angry and resentful and vengeful for years.
I actually didn't make s choice to have a child with an addict. I found out he was using when I was 8 months pregnant and left.
I'm not angry. I wish a good life for my child and right now that would mean xh isn't involved. I won't apologize for feeling that way.
I'm angry because he's hurting my child. And therefore I want him out of Ps life.
I've found myself frustrated almost daily by either posters who are accepting being treated like crap by men under the guise of "fuck buddies/fwb" or being feeling spiteful toward their exes or people posting about literally nothing but dating and guy-related queries. Like yes this is a board about getting your life back and that will involve dating but if all you've posted in the last month is about dating, features you love on a man, reasons a man has left you, etc - I'm going to roll my eyes and be annoyed that this is all you want to talk about.
It's the SO board, if I wanted to talk about politics, fashion, or random shit I'd be on c&ce, f&b or ml.
But there's so much more to starting over than dating and men. There's finances and moving and how it affected your mental health, being a single parent, rediscovering hobbies, making actual friends outside of the relationship, whether or not it affected your career, relearning boundaries, learning self-respect, what YOUR goals are outside of relationships, what YOUR life is now. It's not all about men and how they make you feel and what they can give you emotionally and buy you and do for you. YOU do for you.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
The thing is, we made the choices to have children with people who are addicts and act foolish. I did too. And I have no place acting all wide eyed and innocent when XH shows his ass on the daily by doing something chock full of jackassery. I knew the man had a problem. I wanted children anyway, thinking he was in a "partying phase" and that he would eventually grow up and quit it. But I don't hate him. And there's truly no point in me continuing to be angry about choices we both made. So I'm not going to wish he would go to jail or lose his job or get bent and I'm not going to celebrate his life crashing and burning. None of that makes me a good person or a good mom. I think I see a lot of anger toward exes on this board. It's ok to be angry for a little while. It's not okay to be angry and resentful and vengeful for years.
I actually didn't make s choice to have a child with an addict. I found out he was using when I was 8 months pregnant and left.
I'm not angry. I wish a good life for my child and right now that would mean xh isn't involved. I won't apologize for feeling that way.
I'm angry because he's hurting my child. And therefore I want him out of Ps life.
Hmm. You said you're not angry. And then immediately said you were angry. I'm not saying he always needs to be in your child's life. If he's doing damage then yeah, he needs to get his shit together but please don't pretend that you aren't holding resentments when you literally just said up thread that you were celebrating what happened in court.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I actually didn't make s choice to have a child with an addict. I found out he was using when I was 8 months pregnant and left.
I'm not angry. I wish a good life for my child and right now that would mean xh isn't involved. I won't apologize for feeling that way.
I'm angry because he's hurting my child. And therefore I want him out of Ps life.
Hmm. You said you're not angry. And then immediately said you were angry. I'm not saying he always needs to be in your child's life. If he's doing damage then yeah, he needs to get his shit together but please don't pretend that you aren't holding resentments when you literally just said up thread that you were celebrating what happened in court.
Of course I was celebrating court. Someone finally heard what was happening and allowed me to protect my child. Of course I celebrated.
I'm angry P has been hurt. He's an innocent child. I'm not angry about what xh did to me. I'm not resentful of that. That was my choice to be with him and I've accepted and forgave what he did to me a long time ago. What's happened to P is entirely different.
I don't understand the criticism of achase here. This is not just your average deadbeat dad situation here.
I don't think a person like that is going to "get better."
Agreed. This isn't a situation that is similar to anyone else's on here.
achase's XH is using drugs, making/growing drugs, likely selling drugs all while P is in his care. He leaves P unattended in his care and has caused behavioral issues that have gotten P suspended from school, at 5 years ago. Issues that a licensed professional has directly related to being in his father's care. Her HX is not paying child support while A works her ass off to support herself and P. To top it all off, he's fighting her every step on the way, causing her to incur thousands of dollars in legal bills and stress while he floats through life, high as a kite, and scamming the system. He's not getting caught and learning his lesson either. He's a manipulative sociopath who managed to thwart legal protections put in place to protect children from people like him because of an incompetent legal system. achase has been fighting this battle since before P was even born and FINALLY, after petitioning the court and getting a change of venue to a jurisdiction that does something other than sniffing the thumbs they keep up their asses, got a result that she has so desperately fought for.
If you've got a problem with someone celebrating a successful day in court (as defined by a character lashing and revocation of parental rights due to irresponsibility) with a bottle of wine and a gloating wish that the dipshit's mother was there to witness it all, then you're the one who needs some shade thrown your way.
I don't understand the criticism of achase here. This is not just your average deadbeat dad situation here.
I don't think a person like that is going to "get better."
I don't get it either ... she's dealing w an extraordinary situation here. Like her I left an addict husband who has literally lost everything and we're waiting to see if he'll hit rock bottom or be buried 6 ft under. I've made peace w the fact that he'll never get better. When the DA prosecuted him for RO violations and when the judge granted a TEN year protective order you have no idea what kind of happy dance I did ... I completely understand achade123's elation
I don't get it either ... she's dealing w an extraordinary situation here. Like her I left an addict husband who has literally lost everything and we're waiting to see if he'll hit rock bottom or be buried 6 ft under. I've made peace w the fact that he'll never get better. When the DA prosecuted him for RO violations and when the judge granted a TEN year protective order you have no idea what kind of happy dance I did ... I completely understand achade123's elation
I don't think anyone doesn't understand her happiness. But wishing him a relapse and then getting canned herself to celebrate lacks a certain amount of grace. I may have felt or acted similarily in her shoes. But I would have recognized it isn't healthy or okay. Her lack of awareness in posting about it surprises me more than the behavior.
FFFC equals posting something flameful. I didn't even think it was that flameful to de-stress after almost a year of hell that we FINALLY got a resolution to with a bottle of wine.
Posters say they're drinking a bottle of wine all.the.time on this board. But because I have an addict ex I should have just opted to have a mug of hot tea instead?
FFFC equals posting something flameful. I didn't even think it was that flameful to de-stress after almost a year of hell that we FINALLY got a resolution to with a bottle of wine.
Posters say they're drinking a bottle of wine all.the.time on this board. But because I have an addict ex I should have just opted to have a mug of hot tea instead?
Only if it is caffeine-free tea, because, you know, caffeine can be addicting.
Seriously, people, achase has been to hell and back with her divorce and her douchtastic ex. She's been doing everything in her power to protect her young son. She's developed an amazing support network between her family, her roommate, P's counselor and new school to give him the best chance at succeeding. Everyone can come in here and say, "Oh I'd never react that way." But unless you have been through all she has been through, there is no way to know how you'd react. And anyone who knows her knows she is a fairly responsible chick. I am sure she wasn't indulging in her wine with P sitting right next to her. She's a bit smarter than that.
FFFC equals posting something flameful. I didn't even think it was that flameful to de-stress after almost a year of hell that we FINALLY got a resolution to with a bottle of wine.
Posters say they're drinking a bottle of wine all.the.time on this board. But because I have an addict ex I should have just opted to have a mug of hot tea instead?
I sure as hell would celebrate that the efforts I took to protect my child were successful. When I read your posts describing P's behavior after visits with his dad I was dumbfounded that you were having to fight to protect him. You had *a* bottle of wine, not a 3 day bender.
achase123. Not at all, as I said I would have reacted probably similar. Wishing he would relapse rubbed me wrong, but I've told someone I hoped his plane would crash. So I have zero room to judge and I dont.
I get what you're saying. I posted about it but perhaps should've kept it to myself. I just cannot describe the feeling I've peace I've experienced after that ruling. I can only describe it as intense relief that I know I can protect P and that I did. Someone finally heard us and took action. It's just a feeling of elation.
Wishing he would relapse prob wasn't the smartest thing to post. At the heart of that is just wanting to keep P safe. If I the best chance of accomplishing that is if xh is behind bars then that's whAt meant. He's already relapsed, this I know. We just don't have a drug test to prove it but I know the relapse has already taken place.
Thanks ladies. You help me remind me of his attitude and I know that mine is much better.
Usually I do pretty good. I have a good head on my shoulders. I can think so realistically about the situation. But every once in awhile it can bring me down and remember how awful my life was at the time. He was silently killing me at the time with his voice and actions. And no one else knew that it was him. I was very suicidal at the time. Some thing that went away as soon as I left and had safety.
I see both sides of this achase123 issue. Look, I think anyone here saying they haven't wished to just punch someone in the face once, or for other bad things to befall them is either lying, or a much better person than me. This man hurt her son. I think it is natural to wish something evil on him. However, I understand that it's not necessarily the mature response. And it is vindictive to think. And I get there are people in here who have dealt with it in a more mature manner/different manner. That's fine. I don't think achase is a bas person for having a vindictive thought when a man who has spent the last year damaging her son, draining her bank account, and generally making her life hell, FINALLY gets his comeuppance.
Now she has read what people said here, and clamed down, and realized it's time to let go of the anger and focus on her son. So let's all hug it out and move on.
I see both sides of this achase123 issue. Look, I think anyone here saying they haven't wished to just punch someone in the face once, or for other bad things to befall them is either lying, or a much better person than me. This man hurt her son. I think it is natural to wish something evil on him. However, I understand that it's not necessarily the mature response. And it is vindictive to think. And I get there are people in here who have dealt with it in a more mature manner/different manner. That's fine. I don't think achase is a bas person for having a vindictive thought when a man who has spent the last year damaging her son, draining her bank account, and generally making her life hell, FINALLY gets his comeuppance.
Now she has read what people said here, and clamed down, and realized it's time to let go of the anger and focus on her son. So let's all hug it out and move on.
I wished very bad things on the ex while our court proceedings and my custody case was not nearly half as bad as Achase's. I actually do like the guy and we have a good relationship now but I used to have those very irrational wishes. Did I actually mean any of that? Not at all.
She has not only gone through a lot but she has been strong and fought for her kid. How dare she celebrate with wine?!!! (sarcasm of course).