Getting in here late, but I'm so sorry, @smace. You'll need some time to adjust, but you did absolutely the right thing. You've dealt with his stuff for a long time. May I gently suggest Al-Anon? You might find the support there valuable.
Or feel free to come over to our Recovery board! <--
((hugs))
i know i should look into something but i feel like a fake. Kinda? Like my dad was never abusive physically/emotionally/verbally. He can say mean things and has punched holes in walls when mad. I just think others have had it worse, and my biggest problem is just watching him be drunk/act a fool and take my mom down with him.
This is what the Al-Anon website says: "Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic's behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. We try to control their drinking for them. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill."
@smace can you honestly say you do not get caught up in your dad's behavior? I think Al-Anon would be great for you, because after all, alcoholism IS a family disease. (((hugs)))
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Getting in here late, but I'm so sorry, @smace. You'll need some time to adjust, but you did absolutely the right thing. You've dealt with his stuff for a long time. May I gently suggest Al-Anon? You might find the support there valuable.
Or feel free to come over to our Recovery board! <--
((hugs))
i know i should look into something but i feel like a fake. Kinda? Like my dad was never abusive physically/emotionally/verbally. He can say mean things and has punched holes in walls when mad. I just think others have had it worse, and my biggest problem is just watching him be drunk/act a fool and take my mom down with him.
Understood, but he is emotionally abusing your family with his mean drunk act. Al-Anon meetings are free and open to anyone who is/has lived with an alcoholic. I always tell fellow alcoholics "just walk with us for a while". You don't have to join or become a member, but just try a few meetings. If you decide it's not for you, no harm no foul.
I'm so sorry. It sounds like you made the right choice and, as hard as it is right now, your children will one day thank you for keeping them out of that situation. I hope this will serve as a wake-up call to your mom just how bad it is and that his behavior is no longer acceptable.
And I think that's what really needs to be made clear when you talk to them (if you intend to let them know why you're stepping away): that his behavior is not healthy for a family environment and you won't accept it anymore.
i know i should look into something but i feel like a fake. Kinda? Like my dad was never abusive physically/emotionally/verbally. He can say mean things and has punched holes in walls when mad. I just think others have had it worse, and my biggest problem is just watching him be drunk/act a fool and take my mom down with him.
Understood, but he is emotionally abusing your family with his mean drunk act. Al-Anon meetings are free and open to anyone who is/has lived with an alcoholic. I always tell fellow alcoholics "just walk with us for a while". You don't have to join or become a member, but just try a few meetings. If you decide it's not for you, no harm no foul.
Don't feel like you're a fake, your experiences and feelings are all valid and no one's is more important then the others. My brother just recently made it to the sixth month milestone of being sober - I'm so proud of him! I participated in some of the family programs while he was at Hazelden but I haven't attended an Alanon meeting yet and I need to make that a priority. All of that to say, my mom bought all my siblings and I a copy of the Courage to Change book and even without attending Alanon I've gotten a lot out of reading it and have found that it also applies to just everyday life. Maybe you could start there.
Just because it doesn't resemble a movie stereotype of "life with an abusive alcoholic" doesn't mean you and your relationships haven't been utterly fucked up by someone else's alcoholism. At al anon there are people with all sorts of experiences.
I guess i do flex? I don't know if i have a realistic grasp on my involvment. I don't try to control his drinking, bc that's impossible. i guess i do Focus on hIm? I don't really know what they mean by that. I do focus on where he is, not even on purpose.I always notice when he goes to his drinking room. I have no idea how much he drinks, but im sure it's a lot. he usually smells of alcohol.
This is what I am finding to be the hardest thing for me as an adult. I tend to be pretty practical about my dad's drinking, I can't control it and I just limit my contact where I need to. However, I find when I am around my dad I am hyper aware of his behavior in a way that makes my anxiety go off the charts. Honestly, I am sure that it is from growing up having to do that but it is just recently I have put it together that I am feeling anxious because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop with him.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is so hard to find the boundaries you need to set as an adult. While I have a lot to deal with probably I am comfortable with the very distant guarded relationship I have with my dad now. However, it does break my heart that because of my mom's co-dependence our relationship has suffered.
Sorry I didn't want to make this about me. I just wanted to share that I know how much it sucks and I hope you are able to get to a place of peace with your parents.
Post by morecowbell on Mar 27, 2015 19:55:18 GMT -5
I so admire your strength to walk away and make the decision to not accept this in your life any longer. I wish I had your courage. Please take care of yourself and know that what you are doing is the right thing, no matter what your family may say/think.
I'm so sorry. I have no advice for you, just want to show my support. It sounds like you handled the situation well.
On a purely surface/practical level, see what you can find around your house to sell on Craigslist. I recently sold almost all of my baby clothes, maternity clothes, infant toys, etc & was shocked at how quickly it added up! I sold everything in lots so the dollar amount was higher and I could get rid of all of it instead of a few pieces at a time. I'd hate for your family issues to keep your H from getting the license he needs.
I think you're doing the right thing though, and by putting some distance between you and your family. (No matter how hard) you're being a good role model to your kids that you won't accept treatment and behavior like that and neither should they.
This may seem cheesy to some and maybe it's not for everyone, but have you ever read any books about dealing with this sort of stuff? One that I liked was Toxic Parents. It helped me deal with the guilt and anger, and also helped me learn ways to speak and interact with my parents in a way that didn't let them break me down.