Post by delawarejen on Mar 28, 2015 21:54:12 GMT -5
I'm 36, my mom's 65. She moved away a few years ago. We enjoy talking to each other, and enjoy spending time together. We're a fair bit alike in both good and bad ways. I would say we might be friends even if we weren't related to each other. She's moving back this summer, and I've agreed to share an apartment with her. That should be interesting. I guess I always knew I'd be responsible for her as she aged (she had 5 kids, but she doesn't want to live with my oldest brother or any of my married siblings, so that leaves me). I just didn't expect it to start now, when she's still able bodied. I think her husband's death and her friend having early-onset Alzheimer's really shook her up about how old she is. She wants someone to take care of her, and I guess I've been nominated. I strongly prefer living alone, but if I had to live with someone I don't think she's a bad choice.
My mother may never have granddaughters (although it's too soon to call it), and my sister won't have any daughters, nor will I. My mother's mother is still alive at 88. Her mind is gone, but she didn't have good relationships with any of her kids or grandkids. (Mine with her wasn't horrid, but it wasn't warm and loving either.)
My mom was emotionally absent when I was a kid. I didn't really miss it because my grandmother was there to fill the void till she died when I was 12. My mom did the bare minimum as a parent and left most of the other parenting duties to others. She has a very codependent relationship with her narcissistic brother who terrorized me with his unpredictable rages. My mom would just pretend everything was ok while he yelled and raged at me over nothing, all in the guise of "keeping the peace".
I left home to go to college when I was 16 and my mom never visited me. One summer I saved up money working 2 jobs so I could buy a flight ticket home and when I called to confirm dates with my mom, she replied "Dont waste your money". So I didn't see my parents for 7 years till I finished school and moved back. I was so confused and sad when suesue posted about wanting to buy her son a ticket to come home for prom just so she could see him.
Now my mom acts like I am her bff and I hate it. I find it weird that she now complains that I don't visit her often. She also likes to treat me as an emotional dumping ground when she has a fight with my dad. Sometimes I just want to scream at her "STOP TREATING ME LIKE I Am A FRIEND, I AM YOUR DAUGHTER". My sister thinks that I am way too harsh on her because my mom is a product of her abusive childhood.
My daughter is 7 months old and so it is too early to tell. I want my daughter to have a carefree childhood where her home is her haven. I never want her to doubt my love for her and to be secure in the knowledge that I will alway be her biggest supporter and defender.
I'm 28, my mom is 55. We are really close. We've always had a pretty good relationship (minus those weird teenage years), but we really got close over the last 5-6 years. We have a lot in common and I just love hanging out with her.
We are not close. We live in different states, but it's not that.
She was very cold growing up. She was physically and emotionally abusive. She is probably on the spectrum and has never been one to show emotions or say I love you. The first time I remember her giving me a hug was when I was a junior in college. She is a very difficult person to get to know. She does not share much at all and I don't feel like I know a lot about her even though I have tried over the past decade.
She does hurtful things without realizing how hurtful they are and doesn't apologize. For instance, I was hospitalized for over a week before I had an emergency c-section to get my twins out. She knew that. I tried calling her to tell her the boys were born and she didn't pick up or return my call for over 12 hours.
I try to have some sort of "normal" relationship with her but it's a lot of work. I also have a lot of anger towards her that I find hard to suppress sometimes.
I don't have daughters. I alternate between being really sad about it because I would love to have a mother daughter relationship that I don't have with my mom and being grateful because I wouldn't know how to be a mom to a daughter.
Post by yourmother on Mar 28, 2015 22:36:59 GMT -5
My mom was a teenager when I was born. Our personalities used to clash for most of my life, as I have always been a highly sensitive person needing attention and affirmations and she is fiercely independent and saw me as weak. As a child, her needs were always put ahead of mine and when my parents divorced, she gave up on a short custody fight because she wanted the party life and to be with her married boyfriend. Needless to say, my teen years and my twenties were filled with lots of drama and very hard feelings. Also, she is a naturally thin person due to genetics and I've always been curvy. My weight used to be a big topic for her (usually p/a comments) and my self esteem was pretty non-existent.
I've been in therapy for years and I've made so much progress and she's slowed down and is more mellow. I've changed my expectations and I think she's matured. Fortunately, this combo has given us an opportunity to be dear friends who see each other about twice a year and we talk 2-4 times a month on the phone.
I'm not having a daughter and was somewhat relieved due to this relationship. On the other hand, I'm pregnant with my first son (and possibly only child) and the feelings I have for him make me question my mother's treatment of me as a child even more. I would do ANYTHING to protect this baby's feelings and have nothing but love in my heart for him and I haven't even met him yet. I just can't understand how she didn't move Heaven and earth for her only child. Perhaps I should discuss this with my therapist next time I see him.
Post by sapphireblue on Mar 28, 2015 22:55:02 GMT -5
We are not close. My childhood with my mother was rough. She was very angry and stressed out most of the time, and I think I was a great target for those emotions. My brother was always very delayed (the doctors told my mother they thought he was "retarded", but he isn't, but he is very socially awkward and is in his 40s and has never had a girlfriend, has no close friends, etc.). I wonder what our relationship would have been like if he had never been born.
She said some really hurtful and damaging things to me years ago and we get along fine now but there is not a closeness. I know my parents love me and would do whatever they could to help me if I needed that. I think they are a lot of fun to hang around with. But I think on both sides there is always, deep down, tension or a reserve.
It has gotten a LOT better in the last 10 years though!
Post by sapphireblue on Mar 28, 2015 23:00:14 GMT -5
I should add that my grandmother (my mother's mother) was the most wonderful person I ever met, the other one being my grandfather. They were a huge presence in my life growing up and I think I would have turned out a LOT more damaged from how my mother was but my grandparents were there to make it so much better.
They are both dead now but not a day goes by that I don't think about them and feel grateful for what they did for me.
I'm 58 and my mom is 92. She lives alone in the house I grew up in about 5 miles away from where I live now. She still gets around her house ok but needs help with grocery shopping, banking, etc and I am the only one of my siblings in town so I see her 3-4 times a week. She is sweet, fun, non-complaining and so grateful for everything. We go to movies, museums, bookstores and shopping and we always end up having coffee and cake. My daughters, who are both on these boards, are two of my best friends and I talk to one or both of them every day. We live far away from each other but get together when we can and I am so happy they're my girls. I couldn't be prouder of them both! I'm a fortunate woman.
My mom is a fantastic mom and person. I talk to her more than anyone other than my husband. She is a constant source of love and support and always has my back. My relationship with her is the only reason for an occasional pang of regret over the fact that I have sons and not daughters.
I am very close with my mom. I am 29 and she is 58. She moved 3 hours away for my dads job a few months before I found out I was pregnant and that was very hard for both of us. But we email almost daily and talk a few times a week, and plan visits often. Growing up, my parents were both very loving and nurturing and very involved. Though things have changed since I've become an adult, I am still thankful for a happy childhood and a good relationship with my parents. My mom is very loving, encouraging and supportive of me and she is my best friend. I have a 2 year old daughter and hope that we have the kind of relationship I have had with my mom.
ETA: My moms relationship with my daughter is ok. I mean, she's two so she knows who Grammy is and yaks about going to "my grammy's house", and is happy to see her when we all spend time together. But since she lives 3 hours away and we don't see each other as often, I feel like that closeness isn't there yet. Part of it is probably my fault - M has only spent one weekend away from us ever and my mom is constantly offering to take her for the weekend but I don't take her up on it. I know they need one on one time together so I'm trying to work on that.
I'm 29 and my mom is 54. We are close. We used to be closer and it makes me sad that our relationship has changed some, but we are still close! My mom had her own business and worked from home so she was always around growing up. She never missed a sporting event or school play. She had this big comfy recliner in her office, and I'd go sit there everyday after school and babble all about my day to her. When I moved out, I'd call her everyday on my way to school or work to talk. She was definitely the first person I would call with good news. We're still close, but we don't talk everyday anymore. She works a weird schedule now so it's hard to connect but if I ever have a daughter I hope I can have a similar relationship, I love my ma!
Post by LoveTrains on Mar 28, 2015 23:17:04 GMT -5
I'm 34 and my mom is 69. We have never been that close. We live about a 5 hour drive apart. I see her 2-4 times a year and we talk on the phone once a month or so. There is no bad blood or anything and she is a wonderful woman but we don't have much in common or much to talk about.
We're not close. She was very manipulative when I was a teen and put me in some hard places, including some decisions that have impacted my life now. She also shows little to no interest in my life accomplishments unless there's some way she can spin it so she looks good and she likes to post everything on fb, which I hate so I'm very careful what I tell her now. She's also made it clear with her comments and actions that I'm basically a failure because I've yet to reproduce, so that's fun.
I'm much closer with my mil at this point than I am with my mom, which sometimes makes me sad. But at the same time it's a bit of "she made her bed and now she has to lay in it." I'm an only child (well, sort of, it's complicated) so I fear what the future will look like as she ages. She's already got a number of health issues and I imagine she'll expect me to take care of her, and I'm not sure that's something I can or want to do.
I'm 33 and my mom is 62. I have no children. We are pretty close, but there are issues. Im an only child and my dad passed away when I was five. Mom did remarry when I was 8 and my stepdad was like a real dad to me. She encouraged and pushed me hard in my education because she wanted me to be better off than she was. She was very strict, which was difficult. She still makes me crazy and I feel like she wishes she could rule my life in some ways. Although she is proud of me and my accomplishments, I think she also wishes I was married with children so she could keep up with the joneses. She's also not a very independent person--I am, so there's an issue. Recently there is a whole new set of issues: My stepdad passed away a little over a year ago---6 short months after my Nana (mom's mom) passed away. I took both losses really hard. Especially my stepdad because it was unexpected. (Nana was my BFF, but she was 95 and had dementia so I felt like she was lost earlier if that makes sense). Mom began immediately dating a friend of the family. I hate her choices lately and we've drifted due to my dislike of her bf. ETA- we still talk daily, but I limit seeing her due to him. I am very thankful that she helped make me into a successful person and has been incredibly supportive.
I know my mom has always loved me a lot. However, she always had very high expectations of me, which made me slightly fearful in dealing with her and with life in general - I felt like I was never quite good enough, especially in comparison to my older brother. There are some special memories I have with her, but we didn't do a whole lot together, and that was okay with me. She was almost always a parent, not a friend, but that did start to change as I got older particularly after I got married. Unfortunately, her dementia started to present itself not too long after we reached a really good point in our relationship. I'm really fucking bitter that the disease has taken away so much time from our relationship even though she's still alive. I haven't been able to have a real conversation with her for over three years.
With my daughters, I try to provide more reassurance about their skills and behaviors, with the hope that it'll instill more confidence in them than I had in myself. I'm also much more demonstrative with my affection. And since I work a typical day, rather than the night shift like my mom, I do more activities with the girls. I don't necessarily want to be their best friend, but I do want them to feel comfortable coming to me about anything and want them to know that I've always got their back.
ETA: My mom was able to remember DD1 for quite a bit. She adored DD1 and was the classic indulgent grandparent - giving her snack treats, wanting to buy her things, always wanting to hold & cuddle her. When we last saw my mom in November, to introduce DD2 to her, she didn't really make the connection that the girls were her granddaughters, but seeing them made her visibly happy.
I do not talk to my mother. She did not come to the hospital to say goodbye to her granddaughter. She did not come the one fucking time in my whole entire life that I needed her. When I told her, point blank, why I was mad at her. She heard me for all of a day. Then twisted it in her head that I was jealous of my sisters. What. the. fuck. So... she's out of my life for good.
I know I should read to the end of a thread before replying, but I just wanted say I'm so sorry.
I'm 28 and my mom is 55 and we are very, very close. We obviously had our differences and a love/hate relationship when I was a drama filled teenager, but I don't know what I would do without my mom - she's what keeps our family together. We can talk about everything, just earlier this week she was joking that I would get a sex break when DH had his hernia surgery in April. She's a trouble maker and my partner in crime - I have more fun going out with my mom than any of my girlfriends and we are not allowed to sit next to each other when playing cards - my family on my mom's side loves to play cards and my grandma (my mom's mom) is always changing the rules to help her win so we "share" cards, we have to keep up with the others somehow! My mom was the youngest of three and my grandma placed more importance onto my uncle and aunt so my mom came last and that really strained their relationship so I know my mom is trying to make sure that she doesn't parent any of us kids like her mom did.
Post by Queen Mamadala on Mar 29, 2015 0:15:53 GMT -5
I'm 30 and she'll be 53 in June. We were super close during my childhood, and somewhat during my adolescence, but I did go through a period where there was some tension. It was during my junior year. We grew apart when I became super religious and part of a cult. I tried distancing myself from "worldly" people, including family, but we grew closer after I had my first daughter. We've been super close for many years now. She's like a BFF. We talk on the phone a couple times a week.
When I lived in Atlanta we'd go out to eat, drinks, get our nails done, and see movies together. And she visited me and the kids a lot.
My girls are 10, 8 and 4 months. I sometimes notice that my relationship with my older two mirrors what my mom and I had when I was young. She was very much like a friend, but was definitely the parent when she needed to be. We had/have a very relaxed relationship. She's awesome.
My relationship with my mom is strained. She has a lot of issues. She was very narcissistic and unable to feel love, let alone express it. I went to boarding school as a child and moved out as soon as I graduated. I cut her off for several years in my 30s to give myself some perspective and a break from her toxicity. I don't hate her I just don't feel much of anything for her more than pity at this point. It can't be easy being her.
My dd is awesome and we are pretty close. We say I love you a lot. I have always tried my best to be all the things I thought a mom should be. It's worked out pretty good so far.
Post by wildfloweragain on Mar 29, 2015 6:45:41 GMT -5
My mom has never liked me. She said it b is because I remind her of my dad, who lied to her a lot. She continues to dislike me. Though she swings from gushing that she is so proud of me to hating me because I'm such a bitch. That part is because she is bipolar and chooses to forego meds or therapy. My sister has a different relationship with her but still of course experiences the bipolar responses. She and my sister are codependent. I am successful in the important (to me) areas: secure job, solid marriage, happy and healthy (as far as outsiders see) kids. My sister is not, and they bond over that.
This is horrible, but I'm not super close with my daughter. She's 10 and I don't know if that has anything to do with it. I love her so much. She worries all the time and is so smart, her brain never shuts off. It's hard to have a conversation with her because she doesn't relax. She likes to talk about math and theories and what ifs. I always feel like we should be closer and that there is never enough time:(
My mother dislikes her because she looks like me. I have never left my mother alone with my kids because she was physically and verbally abusive to me as a child. So, they are not close. My mother will pick out ANYTHING DD does and turn it into something negative and plotting. Trip and fall? She's doing that to interrupt us, trying to get attention. She can't say anything right around my mom. We only see my mom a few times a year although she lives nearby. It's too stressful.
My youngest DD is a charmer and resembles Shirley temple, but with red hair. She can make anyone smile and is cuddly and engaging. She's turning 5 and it's easy to connect with her for me at rhis point. My mom thinks she's cute, obviously isn't close with her, but enjoys her for the most part. My sister has a girl one year younger that my mom is very close with because my sister doesn't raise her own kids, and she does spend a lot of time comparing my 5 yr old to her 4 yr old.
Post by ProfessorArtNerd on Mar 29, 2015 7:29:21 GMT -5
My mom is 60, I'm 36. We are very close. I pick her up from school most days, along with Lucy and my nephew and we all have dinner, along with my dad and sister. (Kev sleeps at dinner time so it works out for me). I coach cheer at the school where my mom has taught for about 27 years. We see A LOT of each other.
I'm also a referee between my mom and my sister. Sister (34) lives with my parents. that part of our relationship is exhausting. And sometimes I get frustrated with mom in some of the ways she's becoming like HER mother. I do t feel like listing all the ways I frustrate my mom. It's a lot. I know bc she tells me hehe. But it's pretty great and I'm grateful to have her. She had breast cancer when I was in fourth grade.
Lucy and my mom also spend a LOT OF TIME together. They're girlfriends, which my mom loves, but she also wants Lucy to treat her like a typical grandmom, and Lucy isn't like that. She's more independent/ less people-pleaser than I am and that's hardnfor my mom to understand. I think.
It'll all change again this summer, I'm sure. It always does, but especially with the baby coming. I'm glad it's a boy for that reason. Even if the clothes suck
My mom and I are very close. We don't live near by and every time I talk to her on the phone she says it's time to move back. I miss her a lot. She is 63. I'm 30.
I'm kind of close with SDs (ages 13 and 12). It definitely doesn't feel like they are my kids, we aren't as close as I am with DS. When they were little they used to fight over who got to sit with DH. I'm fine with it, it doesn't hurt my feelings anymore. They are closer to their parents and I fill a friend type role right now. I'm usually the one they come to with questions about things (gay marriage, racism, body questions etc). So I guess that's kind of cool. I just think with the custody schedule being what it was for so long (basically here for the summer) plus DH not balancing a blended family well (telling me to be an equal parent but undermining me all the time) it just didn't grow into a real parental relarionship.
My mom died when I was 24 and she was 47. Growing up, it was rough. She always put her current husband/boyfriend in front of us. I am thankful for my dad because he was the constant, unwavering love while she was wild. I'm pretty sure we didn't have a relationship after I went to live with my dad at age 13.
After I graduated HS, we started to go to lunch and talk now and again. Then, slowly, we became friends and I had a mom again. It was the best five years.
Then came the brain cancer and took her away. F cancer.
It's hard now that I see other women with their moms as grandmas and I won't ever get that. I know she would have been an amazing grandma because she wouldn't have had the responsibly of the mom role. That, to me, is the real tragedy; she never got to be a grandmother to make up for what she couldn't give as a mom.
Post by sandyapples on Mar 29, 2015 8:22:17 GMT -5
My mom is 59, I'm 32 and my daughters are 2 and 4.
My mom and I are close. We have had more of a friend relationship since I was a teenager. My mom loves attention and likes to try to be mildly shocking and I roll my eyes. That is our dynamic a lot of the time. She is also very caring and generous. She will do anything I ask or give me anything I wanted but I don't take advantage of that other than occasional babysitting.
My girls adore my mom. She is a librarian so she always has a million books for them and songs and rhymes to teach them. They are her only grandchildren so they get all the attention.
My relationship with my girls is good but they are still so little. I'm really looking forward to when they are older and we can do girl things together. DD1 and I have gone on a few "girl dates" where we go out just the two of us and get lunch and shop and it was so fun. I don't know what the future will hold but I think we will have a good relationship.
Growing up, I always knew that my parents didn't want kids. They told people that, in my presence, repeatedly. I also always felt that love was conditional on meeting their expectations (e.g., straight As in school, clean room, perfect behavior, chores, etc.). Partly as a result of that, while I love both my parents and appreciate their experience and advice, I'm not super-duper close to either of them. My mom and I usually talk on the phone a few times a month and see each other a few times a year. I'm 35 and my mom is 66.
I'm 35, she's 63, and am pretty close with my mom now. We were kind of distant when I was a teenager - she never talked to me about sex, periods, growing up, etc. It was actively avoided, like, if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist. Her mom was an alcoholic who died when my mom was 22 (about 3 months before my mom's wedding), and I think that played into a lot of the distance between us my teen years. Things got a lot better when I moved out and went to college, and started out on my own after graduation. I realized how supportive she could be if I allowed her to be.
For the most part, we get along great, but there's starting to be some friction with me taking the role of planner/the person in charge (in terms of planning joint vacations, holidays, etc), and her falling back a bit. She was always one to put herself out to make other people happy, so me sticking to my guns about certain things (like refusing to travel on Christmas Eve or Christmas day) is seen as selfish. But aside from a few passive aggressive comments about it, it's not too bad so far.
She is a completely amazing grandmother to my girls. Like, beyond amazing. Any annoyances or less than great things about our relationship are far outweighed by their interactions. You know that grandma who does all sorts of fun, creative stuff, and has unending patience, and makes all their favorite foods perfectly, and never gets annoyed by crying in the middle of the night, because "oh, kids cry! They just need some more hugs and snuggles from Grandma. You go back to bed and let me rock them." That's her. So when I'm annoyed by little things, I try to remember that.
I'm 35, she's 63, and am pretty close with my mom now. We were kind of distant when I was a teenager - she never talked to me about sex, periods, growing up, etc. It was actively avoided, like, if you don't talk about it, it doesn't exist. Her mom was an alcoholic who died when my mom was 22 (about 3 months before my mom's wedding), and I think that played into a lot of the distance between us my teen years. Things got a lot better when I moved out and went to college, and started out on my own after graduation. I realized how supportive she could be if I allowed her to be.
For the most part, we get along great, but there's starting to be some friction with me taking the role of planner/the person in charge (in terms of planning joint vacations, holidays, etc), and her falling back a bit. She was always one to put herself out to make other people happy, so me sticking to my guns about certain things (like refusing to travel on Christmas Eve or Christmas day) is seen as selfish. But aside from a few passive aggressive comments about it, it's not too bad so far.
She is a completely amazing grandmother to my girls. Like, beyond amazing. Any annoyances or less than great things about our relationship are far outweighed by their interactions. You know that grandma who does all sorts of fun, creative stuff, and has unending patience, and makes all their favorite foods perfectly, and never gets annoyed by crying in the middle of the night, because "oh, kids cry! They just need some more hugs and snuggles from Grandma. You go back to bed and let me rock them." That's her. So when I'm annoyed by little things, I try to remember that.
Post by Cricket0619 on Mar 29, 2015 8:38:15 GMT -5
I am 33 and my mom is 60 and we are very close. This doesn't mean that she can drive me absolutely nuts, but she is very supportive and loving. She is very caring, giving and affectionate also. I can share a lot of things with her which is nice. I am very lucky.
My mom is 66 and I am 32. We have more of a friends relationship OR at times I am more the parent. Without going into too many personal details, my mother was not the best mom growing up. Because of her personal issues (depression) she was unable to provide the emotional and financial support I needed as a child. It bordered on neglect for many years. I always seemed and seem to play the adult caretaker in our relationship. I love my mother fiercely but at times wish she could be and could have been more of a support system to me. I don't have that (from either parent).
I do not have a daughter but if I hope to establish healthy boundaries and really support any future daughter I may have.
Hugs to a lot of people in this thread. pixy0stix, your mother's choice was unforgivable. I'm so sorry she wasn't there for you and your sweet LO.
I'm 37; my mom is 63. Depending on the current state of our relationship, we talk anywhere from three times a day to three times a month. We live in the same suburb (due largely to the fact that she literally cried when we thought of moving elsewhere) but most of our social activities are confined to family events and Henry.
I have no doubt that my mom loves me but she has never has and will never get me. She's like a poodle who have birth to a wolf. She's also very codependent, completely neurotic and almost pathologically self-obsessed.
Luckily (I guess?) her sister is the same and my cousin (18 months apart) spent every moment of our childhood together. We consider each other sisters and keep each other sane.
My cousin has distanced herself from our moms far more than I have. She's always asking me why I expect them to act any differently or why I put myself through it. I think it's because my dad was actively abusive and my parents divorced when I was 9. Her dad was always loving, supportive, cared for us, listened to our problems, let us make messes... My stepfather is like a father to me now and is grandfather to Henry but during a crucial part of my childhood, it was just my mom and I still try to look to her for support.
My cousin and I have tried to learn from this for our relationship with Henry and her two daughters. It's hard for both of us to see our mothers with them, as they are repeating the same behaviors.
yourmother I've found myself saying the same things as you do here, about both my parents.
The feelings I have for him make me question my mother's treatment of me as a child even more. I would do ANYTHING to protect this baby's feelings and have nothing but love in my heart for him and I haven't even met him yet. I just can't understand how she didn't move Heaven and earth for her only child.
I don't know what the answer is, other than we have to recognize how those behaviors impacted us and try not to repeat the mistakes our parents made. I hope that simply being more conscious while parenting will make a difference.
My mom is turning 70 and I am 40. Our relationship is complicated at best. My mom has severe BPD that has basically managed to ruin every single relationship / friendship she has had (including ours). I am thankful that she is 6 hours away so I have more control over how long we have to stay with her, etc.. I have wanted to cut her out of my life so many times but then I feel guilty because she will literally die alone. She raised me as a single mom with a very absent father whom I only saw on school breaks. I knew from a very young age that something was wrong with her personality wise. I tried to tell my teacher and school principle and they just called her in for a conference which resulted in a two day screaming fest with some hitting thrown in. She is not stable and I make sure she will never have any involvement in DS care other than minimal grandmother activities. I am so thankful for my BFF's mom that basicallly raised me and filled in where my mom was just not capable. Without her I probably would have run away or worse.