I have a friend like this. Before I had kids it never really bothered me when she would inevitably bail on our plans. After having kids it's become so hard to arrange schedules to make time to hang out with her that I stopped putting up with the BS. I don't reach out to her anymore and if she asks to make plans I don't go out of my way to accomodate her. It makes me sad but she's not going to change.
I very rarely ran into this, until I started having the events around my wedding. I had people bail an hour before my bachelorette, day of my bridal shower. I even had people texting me the morning of my wedding "heyyy we're not going to make it today, but we should catch up soon!" Just tell me you're not coming unless you can't find something better to do, don't make me pay for you in a final caterer head count. ^o)
I very rarely ran into this, until I started having the events around my wedding. I had people bail an hour before my bachelorette, day of my bridal shower. I even had people texting me the morning of my wedding "heyyy we're not going to make it today, but we should catch up soon!" Just tell me you're not coming unless you can't find something better to do, don't make me pay for you in a final caterer head count.
The wedding, bridal shower, bachelorette thing is messed up. That's not flaking. That's being a dick.
I'm flakier than a Hungry Jack biscuit wrapped in a croissant, all nestled in a puff pastry crust. With a side of corn flakes. I just pray that no one invites me to things, and if they do I immediately say no.
It took me awhile to realize that I just simply don't enjoy spending time with others. I can always think of something better to do, up to and including watching paint dry on my four walls.
I'm flakier than a Hungry Jack biscuit wrapped in a croissant, all nestled in a puff pastry crust. With a side of corn flakes. I just pray that no one invites me to things, and if they do I immediately say no.
It took me awhile to realize that I just simply don't enjoy spending time with others. I can always think of something better to do, up to and including watching paint dry on my four walls.
But this isn't being flaky, IMO. Being flaky would be if you said you were going to go, and then you don't. If you don't want to hang out with me, just tell me.
I'm flakier than a Hungry Jack biscuit wrapped in a croissant, all nestled in a puff pastry crust. With a side of corn flakes. I just pray that no one invites me to things, and if they do I immediately say no.
It took me awhile to realize that I just simply don't enjoy spending time with others. I can always think of something better to do, up to and including watching paint dry on my four walls.
But this isn't being flaky, IMO. Being flaky would be if you said you were going to go, and then you don't. If you don't want to hang out with me, just tell me.
Oh I do that too. Not as often as I used to though. The overall decline in invitations has helped this along considerably, but I've tried to be better about this.
I'll own 100% that I'm an inconsiderate ass. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but I maintain that people who continue to invite me to things are buttholes too. Get a clue!
I did this a time or two in my twenties, but for the most part,I do not. And I really do not like it when people are habitually late. It felt like we were always running late growing up, so I worked hard to be the opposite.
To me, though, this isn't flaking. It's something genuine that came up and affected your plans. Flaking is canceling at the last minute because either something better came up or you just decided you don't feel like going.
I have had people flake on me before, but overall, no ONE person is super consistent about it. So I haven't ended any friendships over it.
One major part of my issues these days is the negotiation I have to do with my husband.
It is rather irritating.
Word. It makes me feel like either a teenager or a controlled spouse to day "sounds great! I should be in, but I just need to check with DH." But, logistics!
I just...dont get this. If you dont want to make plans, say no. If you make plans, keep them. If you dont want to be a flake, stop flaking.
Its like vicky and pps said above. I want to hang out, I want to do fun things, but the time comes and I start to freak out. Depression and social anxiety is a mindfuck.
Mental health issues are different than just plain flaking out, though. Although my friend who has severe anxiety and depression said that following through with plans makes her feel better than canceling when she's dealing with either issue, because staying home, being alone, and then feeling guilty about canceling makes her feel even worse.
I try really hard not to be a flake since I don't like being flaked out on. I'm perpetually 5-10 minutes late because I usually have a bit of a long drive, but if I say I'm going to be there, I'll be there!
I rarely flake. But I think it comes from my own unhealthy thing... I'm a people pleaser. I'd be too afraid that people would hate me if I flaked.
That's interesting- I find most of the "flakey" people I know are more people-pleaser types. They have a hard time saying no in the first place even if they really dont want to go, and then use texting as a cop-out to get out of it.
I love when people flake on me. I would almost always rather be home alone. I realize this is not the norm though so I very rarely flake without a good reason.
I really would almost always rather be home alone. So when I say yes to someone, it means yes. That's why I hate when people flake. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, PEOPLE!
I love when people flake on me. I would almost always rather be home alone. I realize this is not the norm though so I very rarely flake without a good reason.
lol. Why make plans in the first place then?
This happens to me too. I don't flake but even when I'm looking forward to something I am filled with dread when the time comes. I am introverted and awkward so it probably comes from that, some kind of social anxiety? I go and have fun but some small part of me hopes it will get cancelled so I can stay home.
I rarely flake. But I think it comes from my own unhealthy thing... I'm a people pleaser. I'd be too afraid that people would hate me if I flaked.
That's interesting- I find most of the "flakey" people I know are more people-pleaser types. They have a hard time saying no in the first place even if they really dont want to go, and then use texting as a cop-out to get out of it.
Huh... I guess I don't see it as a people-pleasing-problem to say "no" to plans when first asked. I'm just not that important. Ha! If I say no to plans, no one will really care, and I'll hang out with them some other time. But if I say yes and then flake, that's a people-pleasing problem.
But usually I say yes to all the plans, don't flake, and actually go to all the events, and then end up tired and poor (but had fun).
Post by phdprocrastinator on Mar 31, 2015 14:04:46 GMT -5
I wasn't a flake before having kids. Now, I feel more comfortable making plans with other parents of young kids because they get it. It's rare for us to have plans and completely cancel, but our arrival time is merely an estimate. We leave the house when we can. Period. So sometimes we are 30 minutes early, sometimes we're late. I try to arrange things so we're more likely to be early, but you never know when someone will poop all over everything.
We also make open-ended plans (meet at the park, children's museum, or a casual restaurant). This past weekend we made plans with a child-less couple and it was so hard. I felt so flaky. But we were traveling so we really had no idea when/if DD1's nap would happen. But nobody wants to be in a restaurant with a crabby preschooler... so what are you going to do?
Post by janetplanet20 on Mar 31, 2015 14:23:14 GMT -5
I have a friend who flakes often. Now whenever she says we should make plans to get together I just say "ok, let me know when you're free" and 99% of the time nothing ever gets planned. Our friendship has weakened bc she's so flakey.
I love when people flake on me. I would almost always rather be home alone. I realize this is not the norm though so I very rarely flake without a good reason.
lol. Why make plans in the first place then?
My therapist told me I have to, she ruins all my fun
That's interesting- I find most of the "flakey" people I know are more people-pleaser types. They have a hard time saying no in the first place even if they really dont want to go, and then use texting as a cop-out to get out of it.
Huh... I guess I don't see it as a people-pleasing-problem to say "no" to plans when first asked. I'm just not that important. Ha! If I say no to plans, no one will really care, and I'll hang out with them some other time. But if I say yes and then flake, that's a people-pleasing problem.
But usually I say yes to all the plans, don't flake, and actually go to all the events, and then end up tired and poor (but had fun).
I meant that people pleasers say YES because they have a hard time saying no.
I wasn't a flake before having kids. Now, I feel more comfortable making plans with other parents of young kids because they get it. It's rare for us to have plans and completely cancel, but our arrival time is merely an estimate. We leave the house when we can. Period. So sometimes we are 30 minutes early, sometimes we're late. I try to arrange things so we're more likely to be early, but you never know when someone will poop all over everything.
We also make open-ended plans (meet at the park, children's museum, or a casual restaurant). This past weekend we made plans with a child-less couple and it was so hard. I felt so flaky. But we were traveling so we really had no idea when/if DD1's nap would happen. But nobody wants to be in a restaurant with a crabby preschooler... so what are you going to do?
Give best case/worst case estimates. Way less maddening.