What Would My Mom Do? (Drink Tab and Lock Us Outside)

[jeaniebueller]

Ha. This is true. I have often contemplated that I don't remember my mom ever really sitting down and "playing" with us. Granted, I had 3 siblings, so there was always someone to play/fight with. I do remember spending lots of summer days outside doing whatever and not really being supervised. This is great, too:


You have everything your little ones need: kisses, Shel Silverstein books, silly songs, kitchen dance parties, a backyard, family dinner around the table, and a cozy lap.

[osulori]

Apr 1, 2015 9:30:31 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

I do remember spending lots of summer days outside doing whatever and not really being supervised.

This was me and my sisters too.  Lots of "Okay you're dressed and had breakfast.  The weather's nice so go play.  I'll see you around lunchtime!" 

[CrazyLucky]

I agree with her major point, that we are over-parenting our kids. I don't know if everything we're doing is bad though. I play with my kids all the time. I enjoy it. When DS figures out how these two pieces go together to make the fork truck, or whatever, that's fun for me. Watching DD hit a ball off the tee is fun. At 4 and 2, my kids are not old enough (in my helicopter parent view) to run around the neighborhood on their own. When they are, I will let them, but I hope they still want to play with me sometimes, at least when it's raining.

[eclaires]

I actually think part of the parenting now is a reaction to our parents.

I know for me some of the stuff I do - SAH, pta volunteer stuff is a reaction to how I felt as a child about my mom being gone all the time and not able to be at school much. Other stuff I do - like spending the whole summer at the pool with my kids vs a lot of planned out camps is also a reaction to what I liked and remember fondly about my childhood. Right now, Jackson loves that I am the room mom and stuff, but maybe one day he will hate it and not want to do it for his own kids.

I guess my point is - I think there is a happy medium and I try to hit it with my kids but I absolutely own that my own parenting is often a result of my childhood and what I liked and didn't like.

[eponinepontmercy]

I'm starting to get annoyed at at the articles like this. This writer is writing for moms that don't work, and so they don't need to scrounge up a schedule of summer camps and activities because of summer vacation. She also assumes that all people live in a neighborhood full of children and playgrounds to walk to and big yards to play in.

I agree that kids should learn independence and imagination and how to play by themselves. I just don't think it's a bad thing to know where your kids are and who they are with.

[jeaniebueller]

Apr 1, 2015 9:39:35 GMT -5 eclaires said:

I actually think part of the parenting now is a reaction to our parents. 

I agree with this at the same time too. I do remember being disappointed that my mom did not volunteer in my class or that I did not get to do X, Y, Z. Did it harm me later on? No. But I would like to do better for my kids in certain ways. The article is a great reminder though that your kids will be fine even if you aren't doing all the pinterest things.

[IIOY]

I don't know. There are an awful lot of kids of Baby Boomers who felt pretty neglected by parents who were too busy to play with them. Mind you, I'm terrible about playing with my kids - BORING - but I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that doing things like my parents did is the optimal way.

Also, it's far easier to throw your kids outside and tell them go play with the neighborhood kids when all the neighborhood kids aren't busy going to camp, piano lessons, tutors, etc..

I think there are some perfectly good points in here but the "Back in my day..." vibe bugs.

[cville]

Apr 1, 2015 9:44:36 GMT -5 eponinepontmercy said:

I'm starting to get annoyed at at the articles like this. This writer is writing for moms that don't work, and so they don't need to scrounge up a schedule of summer camps and activities because of summer vacation. She also assumes that all people live in a neighborhood full of children and playgrounds to walk to and big yards to play in.

I agree that kids should learn independence and imagination and how to play by themselves. I just don't think it's a bad thing to know where your kids are and who they are with.

PREACH.

[mysterons]

I was part of a roving pack of wolves growing up. We played outside and many of the moms on my street stayed at home. They all kept a watchful eye on us but let us do our thing.

However, I wish my parents had encouraged me to participate in more structured activities (dance, sports, music, academics etc.) I think they were too hands off - they didn't even care much for how well I performed in school. Tutors or planning college tours were not on their radar.

[omgzombies]

I'm getting a wee bit bored with these stories. I parent very similarly to my mom, I SAH so I do all the class mom stuff, PTA, whatevs. But a lot of my day is filled with telling my kids to go play. Playing with my kid is boring, and I have stuff to get done around the house. I try to make sure I sit down with each one of them during the day and give them some one on one play time, and they know if they bring me a book I will drop pretty much whatever I am doing to read it to them. It works for us.

I also understand the need to have a real schedule in the summer. After a couple weeks, I remember my mother going insane having us all underfoot. So you want to schedule and keep a routine to make your summer work, have at it.

Find a balance, manage to keep your sanity, don't raise little assholes, as long as you meet those requirements, I don't really care if you want to spend all day playing dolls or trucks with your kid. Until my kid is old enough to start playing with lego castles and pirates though, I'm out for a bit.

[ttt]

Oh man candy cigarettes, those were so awesome.

[dirtyred]

I swear, my mom did not know where we actually were half the time. Turned out in the neighborhood all day, someone’s mom would eventually make us bologna sandwiches on white bread and then lock us out, too. We were like a roving pack of wolves, and all the moms took turn feeding and watering us. No one hovered over us like Nervous Nellies.



I was born in the late '50's, so I was a kid in the Mad Men era. The bolded was certainly true of my group when we were around 10 and older.  All over the neighborhood on bikes or foot; went to the nearest house to pee and eat, and then home when the streetlights came on.  The moms would clean/do laundry on certain days, on others they got together for bridge, gossip, etc.  Unless it was raining, we were always told to get outside.

[mrsdewinter]

Apr 1, 2015 9:44:36 GMT -5 eponinepontmercy said:

I'm starting to get annoyed at at the articles like this. This writer is writing for moms that don't work, and so they don't need to scrounge up a schedule of summer camps and activities because of summer vacation. She also assumes that all people live in a neighborhood full of children and playgrounds to walk to and big yards to play in.

I agree that kids should learn independence and imagination and how to play by themselves. I just don't think it's a bad thing to know where your kids are and who they are with.

Completely agree.  I'm really over all these articles about how much better mothers are in a different country, or were in a past decade.  Sure, we can learn from other parenting models and we should.  But this blog post just romanticizes things, and I think it's also plainly coming from a place of privilege.  

I didn't grow up in the 70s (80s baby here), but my mom knew where I was, and she did schedule me for things to enhance my intellectual and artistic development and she did worry.  

I tend to believe that parenting occurs in a larger context, which these kinds of articles always seem to leave out.  Parenting changes because society changes.  It doesn't mean we're suddenly all doing it wrong.

[MrsAxilla]

I'm looking forward to this summer so much more than the last two. The baby walks! It opens up so many things that were too annoying to do before. It sucked taking her to the pool last year, she could only use the swing at the park, she couldn't play in the backyard... Spring break was last week and we were JUST FINE hanging out. I think I might be able to handle summer!

[mbcdefg]

This is what I wanted to do as a kid ... but I wasn't allowed to walk to my friends' houses, go out and play unsupervised, or ride my bike anywhere but on the sidewalk within my parents' line of sight from the front porch (which was maybe a length 50 feet). I didn't have many friends - not only was I an awkward kid, but people stopped calling me after I kept saying "no" to all their invitations to go out and do something. 

We did a lot of stuff together as a family during the summer, though. My dad was a teacher (and my mom went back to teaching once all three of us were school-age). We went to art-themed day camps at the library, but mostly we went on family car trips. That was fun. 

[taratru]

I loved this. Between this and the "spending all that time with your kids when they're young doesn't make a difference" article that came out, I've had a banner week.

Look, there is a balance here, and I think as a culture, we've tipped it way to the side of overparenting. I don't understand it, but in my work, I can see the direct negative impact it's having on kids. That's not romanticizing the past, that's just (anecdotally) true. So if something like this makes people feel better about just taking a break from the expectation and not feeling bad about it, then yay.

[Deleted]

Dude, no.

I mean in theory maybe but there seems to be some grand idea here that previous generations didn't worry about their children. I distinctly remember my mom crying on the couch over some of her parenting fears.

IDK. Maybe this is some white middle class privilege thing, I'm not sure but I'm really tired of the idea that moms and dads in the 70's and 80's gave no shits and that's why we're perfectly fine.

Eclaires is onto something. If the children of the 70's and 80's are so fucking fine, why are so many of us dead set on curating the childhoods of our children?

[cville]

I'm getting more mad the more I think about this article and its ilk instructing me in ALL THE WAYS everyone else does it better.

Sure. Fine. Okay. We shouldn't overparent.

But I am not home with my children all day every day, I'm at work. So I can't let them roam the streets freely (as I did as a child, although my mom DID volunteer in my class on occasion and certainly imposed some structure on my day). If I did, some asshole busybody would call CPS. Andplusalso, it's illegal at their ages.

So, yes, absolutely. We should relax, let our kids fail, and enjoy them and have our own time. But I'd like everyone to STFU about all the shit I'm doing wrong, always.

I mean, my toddler son this weekend (while we were nearby but not hovering) fell off of a kid-sized chair associated with the kid-sized table where my kids are free to do whatever they want (color, blocks, set up superhero battle scenes) and smashed his face into the wooden toy painted with organic lead-free paint that I lovingly purchased and let him and my daughter use in their imaginative play that I don't supervise or direct, cutting his lip, cracking one front tooth and damaging the other.

So there I was letting my son free range it within reason with his unstructured toys that don't light up and do the work for him, like a good "breezy" parent. And then at the ER I had to answer questions about whether we "feel safe" in my home because I showed up with a bloody cracked-tooth baby.


THERE IS NO WINNING.

[taratru]

Apr 1, 2015 11:12:57 GMT -5 cville said:

I'm getting more mad the more I think about this article and its ilk instructing me in ALL THE WAYS everyone else does it better.

Sure. Fine. Okay. We shouldn't overparent.

But I am not home with my children all day every day, I'm at work. So I can't let them roam the streets freely (as I did as a child, although my mom DID volunteer in my class on occasion and certainly imposed some structure on my day). If I did, some asshole busybody would call CPS. Andplusalso, it's illegal at their ages.

So, yes, absolutely. We should relax, let our kids fail, and enjoy them and have our own time. But I'd like everyone to STFU about all the shit I'm doing wrong, always.

I mean, my toddler son this weekend (while we were nearby but not hovering) fell off of a kid-sized chair associated with the kid-sized table where my kids are free to do whatever they want (color, blocks, set up superhero battle scenes) and smashed his face into the wooden toy painted with organic lead-free paint that I lovingly purchased and let him and my daughter use in their imaginative play that I don't supervise or direct, cutting his lip, cracking one front tooth and damaging the other.

So there I was letting my son free range it within reason with his unstructured toys that don't light up and do the work for him, like a good "breezy" parent. And then at the ER I had to answer questions about whether we "feel safe" in my home because I showed up with a bloody cracked-tooth baby.


THERE IS NO WINNING.

Right.  Exactly.

[cville]

Apr 1, 2015 11:20:34 GMT -5 taratru said:

Apr 1, 2015 11:12:57 GMT -5 cville said:

I'm getting more mad the more I think about this article and its ilk instructing me in ALL THE WAYS everyone else does it better.

Sure. Fine. Okay. We shouldn't overparent.

But I am not home with my children all day every day, I'm at work. So I can't let them roam the streets freely (as I did as a child, although my mom DID volunteer in my class on occasion and certainly imposed some structure on my day). If I did, some asshole busybody would call CPS. Andplusalso, it's illegal at their ages.

So, yes, absolutely. We should relax, let our kids fail, and enjoy them and have our own time. But I'd like everyone to STFU about all the shit I'm doing wrong, always.

I mean, my toddler son this weekend (while we were nearby but not hovering) fell off of a kid-sized chair associated with the kid-sized table where my kids are free to do whatever they want (color, blocks, set up superhero battle scenes) and smashed his face into the wooden toy painted with organic lead-free paint that I lovingly purchased and let him and my daughter use in their imaginative play that I don't supervise or direct, cutting his lip, cracking one front tooth and damaging the other.

So there I was letting my son free range it within reason with his unstructured toys that don't light up and do the work for him, like a good "breezy" parent. And then at the ER I had to answer questions about whether we "feel safe" in my home because I showed up with a bloody cracked-tooth baby.


THERE IS NO WINNING.

Right.  Exactly.

Then why do you love this article?  

[Deleted]

Also, I guaranfuckingtee you this lady's mom knew where she was all day. She might not have heavily coordinated it, but she knew where to find her kid if she needed her.

ANd this "We knew we were loved and we knew we were safe."

Fuck you, heifer. I knew I was loved when I was a child, I knew I safe and my kids know the same fucking thing and so do most kids in the country, at least the ones who aren't being raised by crackwhores or some shit.

Overprotected or free range, the vast majority of parents in ANY AGE make their children feel loved and safe. It's why they make the choices they do, whether you agree with their tactics or not. The common goal of every parent who isn't busy making meth or pimping out their children is to keep them safe and make them feel loved and I'm sick of the notion that some form of love and safety is morally superior than another.

Go love your kid with time capsules or carelessness and I'll love mine with handmade dresses and sarcasm.

And stop writing this dumb fucking shit.

[taratru]

Apr 1, 2015 11:23:44 GMT -5 cville said:

Apr 1, 2015 11:20:34 GMT -5 taratru said:

Right.  Exactly.

Then why do you love this article?  

Because the idea of "go outside while I drink Tab" makes me chuckle. Because usually these things are about all the ways *I'm* doing it wrong, so it's nice to hear someone say that maybe I'm not.

Look, no one can win, because parenting isn't about winning.  We do what we can do and hope we're not ruining the kids.  I don't give a  rip what other people do or what works for other people, I really don't.  I'm not trying to start another stupid mommy war.  I'm just saying I loved it. 

[josieposy]

If I read every article and blog post about parenting, I should be effectively ignoring my kids just the right amount.

Really it's probably easier to just leave them with the dog, because whatever I'm doing is going to ruin them anyway.

[eclaires]

Apr 1, 2015 11:30:21 GMT -5 josieposy said:

If I read every article and blog post about parenting, I should be effectively ignoring my kids just the right amount.

Really it's probably easier to just leave them with the dog, because whatever I'm doing is going to ruin them anyway.

My standard response to the things I'm "doing wrong" is that they'll need something to talk about in therapy one day, so really I'm helping them out.

[cville]

Apr 1, 2015 11:28:46 GMT -5 taratru said:

Apr 1, 2015 11:23:44 GMT -5 cville said:

Then why do you love this article?  

Because the idea of "go outside while I drink Tab" makes me chuckle. Because usually these things are about all the ways *I'm* doing it wrong, so it's nice to hear someone say that maybe I'm not.

Look, no one can win, because parenting isn't about winning.  We do what we can do and hope we're not ruining the kids.  I don't give a  rip what other people do or what works for other people, I really don't.  I'm not trying to start another stupid mommy war.  I'm just saying I loved it. 

I see.  Well, I think articles like this (and the link includes a ton of self-congratulatory pictures--oh, your son pretends to skateboard in a tree?  YOU'RE SO BREEZY sitting there instagramming it WITH A FILTER) are mommy wars articles.  They're as likely to make people feel judged for not breezying it up like a mofo (with 12 weeks of unstructured days, natch, because everyone has a full time SAHP and 12 weeks of summer vacation) as they are freed by the constraints of pinterest.

[meshaliuknits]

Aw, cville, I'm sorry little dude got hurt.

[ringstrue]

"I have like 3 blurry memories from my entire childhood and now I'll judge your parenting by them."


Yeah I hate articles like this too.

[Deleted]

I do confess to some irritation with the disdain some parents have for so called "pinterest" moms. It's like some people cannot fathom that those of us with a crafty hobby we enjoy might want to extend that hobby to things that benefit our children. @majorwife enjoys party planning. Should she stop because the mom down the street prefers to pick up a cake and decorations from wallyworld and call it good?

I don't sew to make other moms feel bad. I sew because well, I like to sew and I have a fuckton of fabric that has to get used before my children donate it to goodwill after they send me to Shady Pines.

[cookiemdough]

I was a 70s baby and this article does a pretty good job describing my childhood days outside. However it is not like my mom was all breezy go play I don't care where you are. She knew my friends. She knew their parents. And basically while we were running around acting like we were free someone's parents kept an eye out. You can believe that if i was doing something I wasn't supposed to that my mom knew before I got home .

Anyway I do think there is something important that I had growing up that i don't feel now, and that is a sense of community. You can give those freedoms when you know it is a village looking out for your kid. My neighborhood is not like that so if something happens to my son their are only a few neighbors that would know who he belonged to and where to bring him if he hurt himself falling off a bike etc. Instead I live in a friendly neighborhood but we still don't really depend on each other. For example, literally we all sit with our kids at the bus stop. It drives me crazy. Why can't we alternate. Do 1st graders really need a 1 to 1 child/adult ratio of oversight to get on the bus?
Sorry private vent over lol.

[cville]

Apr 1, 2015 11:33:52 GMT -5 meshaliuknits said:

Aw, cville, I'm sorry little dude got hurt.

Thanks! He's okay, but if the tooth doesn't fall out he's absolutely going to look like a wee baby pirate until he gets his permanent teeth. We might have it filled in later if he can sit still long enough and he cares.