Post by mamaalysson on Apr 3, 2015 17:01:22 GMT -5
I think someone at Target just threatened to call "the authorities" on me. That feels pretty shitty.
We were leaving Target, I was holding my 4 1/2 yo's hand, and all of a sudden she decided she didn't want to leave Target or walk or something, and she sat down right in front of me. I didn't expect that, so her sitting caused me to tug her arm and pull her to the side and then I tripped over her and jammed my foot into the cart. I sort of shouted her name in probably not the nicest tone. So then, she is sitting in the middle of the vestibule, and she refused to move. Like flat out would not stand up or move her body at all. So, I said I was not picking her up and her brother and I were leaving. I walked out (slooooooowly), and put an uncomfortable enough distance between us that usually spurs her to action. I could still see and talk to her. A couple came out and were concerned enough to ask if she was okay, but then noticed me. I said she was fine, just refusing to move, and they sort of nodded and smiled and said something about not missing those days. After another minute, I said something to her about ending up in the lost and found and that we were leaving. I turned around again, but (obviously) had no real intention of leaving. At that point a woman marched up to me and said, "I don't want to get in your business, but I am a mandatory reporter and you need to go get your child." I was stunned, and felt slapped in the face. For the record, I am also a mandatory reporter and I'm pretty sure none of that qualifies in any way for a call to any authorities. Like at all. But even just hearing those words made me feel pretty shitty. Like now it's all hitting me, and I kinda want to cry. Was I out of line? DD was never out of my sight, or even out of hearing range (she even overheard what the woman said). She has done something similar before and usually just marching on works to get her to come along - I'm not sure why she was being particular stubborn but it's not like I would have left her. Crap. Now Target is tainted. Was this woman right? Did I do something wrong here? I don't think the woman witnessed anything before DD camping out in the vestibule, but all that added up to make me feel even shittier.
I don't think you did anything wrong (and certainly not reportable) but watching those situations unfold always make me uncomfortable. It's a power struggle and a test of limits- gets and yours. Today your dd pushed your limits and waited until you went further than you usually do. So how far are you willing to walk away? What are you going to do if she doesn't come running when you walk out the last door and are about to leave?
I've done this a few times in reflex mode (you know, when you revert back to your parents' parenting styles unintentionally) but I was not comfortable for the reasons above.
Post by rosesandpetals on Apr 3, 2015 17:13:36 GMT -5
Hmm... it is the spring. Maybe it was someone who just graduated and is taking their new responsibilities *very* seriously.
I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't usually do the walk away thing because it doesn't work with her but your DD is almost 5 (if your ticker is right). That's plenty old enough to catch up to you.
EDIT: And what is CPS going to do? If your house has food and heat and your kids have clean laundry, weather appropriate clothes, and no physical signs of abuse then they have bigger problems on their hands and no one should be wasting their resources.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I may have done the same thing, so I don't think there is anything wrong w/ it.
Since it was in the vestibule & she would be more likely to get in the way, I may have scooped her up one handed and at least gotten outside to regroup.
Regardless, I don't think it was comment worthy at all, let alone a threat to call the authorities.
Post by mamaalysson on Apr 3, 2015 17:27:30 GMT -5
The threaten to leave thing has always worked in the past, so I think I just instinctually went to it when she refused to move. Granted, it's more typically when we are out for a walk (so on a quiet straight street) when she pulls it, and I can walk (sloooooowly) away and wait for her to catch up. Probably not the best threat in this instance, but it really was atypical of her not to follow. And to be clear, I meant an uncomfortable distance for her, not for me. I was probably about 10 feet away, barely through the automatic doors, close enough that DD heard what the woman said to me ("Mama, what's a mandatory reporter?").
And I know that her threat was just as empty as mine - she walked away after saying it, so unless she was stalking me from her car, it's not like she stood there to wait and see what I would do. Still leaves an icky feeling though.
Threatening to call CPS seems ridiculous to me. For what? Standing 10 feet away from your kid? Tripping over her while she's sitting in your way? I don't think you did anything wrong or CPS-worthy in the slightest.
I've totally been in the same boat and thought that if a neighbour was watching, they'd probably report me for how things look from the outside. DS will suddenly drop to the ground while holding my hand, so I end up looking like I'm pulling his arm out of its socket or dragging him. And sometimes I don't have enough arms or space to be as gentle and slow as I would like to be, I admit that. Sometimes I just need to get DS the hell out of the way, and I only have one arm to achieve that. It may not be ideal, but I also don't think it's CPS material. My DS just pulled that crap on me while going through airport security. I had to just get him down the line however I could, while holding DD. But I know how you feel, it sucks. And it sucks that that woman chose to call you out one of those moments of mom frustration that we've probably all had. Your daughter was in no danger, and being mad is no crime. Sorry you had to go through that.
That chick needs to get a life. And a reality check. And to get off her high horse. Also, being a mandated reporter means she has an obligation to report possible child abuse/neglect she sees at work, not parenting she doesn't agree with at target. Dumbass.
Argh. That sucks. From what she said, it didn't sound like she was going to call the authorities on you, it kinda sounded more like a threat. Kids are tough. I've compared raising children is like being pecked to death by a duck.
Argh. That sucks. From what she said, it didn't sound like she was going to call the authorities on you, it kinda sounded more like a threat. Kids are tough. I've compared raising children is like being pecked to death by a duck.
They are definite duck pecking moments, for sure.
Thanks, ladies. I know she was full of crap. And I know we all have crappy parenting moments. This seems even more ridiculous because it wasn't even one of my worst parenting moments, you know? Other than exclaiming at DD because it fucking hurts when you ram your foot into a cart, I was calm and in control and didn't raise my voice. It seemed like a pretty typical moment with a preschooler - don't they all have those mind-boggling moments where they just turn into stubborn mules for no discernible reason? And until that moment she decided to sit down, she had been perfectly pleasant and well behaved in the store, so it's not like I was that exasperated, at-her-wit's-end mom (though I have definitely been her before). So when she was all "MANDATORY REPORTER", in the back of my mind I was thinking, "jeez, if this a reportable moment, what about the times I have lost my patience and really yelled at her?" (and immediately felt like crap and apologized, just in case MR Lady is lurking). Nothing like Nosy McNoser to make you question your mothering.
Seriously no. Don't cry. I would have told that lady to go fuck off. Probably loudly. In front of all the kids. Then I would have really caused a scene. Everyone who is actually a parent of a child that age has been in that situation and done the same thing. Ohhhhh I'm angry for you.
I roll my eyes so hard when people throw down the "I'm a mandated reporter card". It really only pertains to their professional jobs. They aren't required to constantly police the streets. Really, every decent human being should report seriously questionable behavior. Sounds like somebody was just taking their, apparently recently acquired title, a little too seriously.
While I think this particular woman was insane, it varies by state. I am required to report any suspected abuse or neglect I see anywhere, whether or not at my job.
I don't think that you did anything wrong, and honestly we have all had those moments when if we look back, we might have made another choice if we could see the 'battle of wills' coming. But the thing is we don't always..we don't most of the time and it's our responsibility to do something about it. We have to parent. You went with your gut reaction to your daughter's defiance.
That being said, I don't use that particular threat, as I wouldn't actually leave my daughter. I have done that once before when I was really mad about her not coming into our apartment home. She just wanted to hang in the hallways by the elevator. I refused to go and get her and bring her home. She refused to walk donw the hallway and get her little butt inside. So, I warned her and then closed the door. I watch through the peephole and then 3 min later she appeared and stood waiting with a grin outside the door FOR 5 MINUTES!! My stinker. As soon as I opened the door she bolted back down the hall way. That was the day I vowed never to make that threat again. I realized I would never actually leave her and that in and of itself made it a futile thing to say to my child. Taught me something, and what it taught her was not good...
Lastly, don't beat yourself up.. you did nothing wrong, but you can learn from it for if you want to respond differently with your child next time. Might be time to think of a new consequence.
See you don't have to say "I'm leaving w/o you." You just have to say, "Okay, well I'm leaving." Regardless of whether the kid is with you or not, you are still leaving.
Generally, yes I try not o make empty threats - but this is one of those things where it usually works.
As someone whose kid had a shitstorn of a tantrum in target with some hosebeast following me around telling me she feared for my child's safety, let me tell you that you did nothing report worthy. People need to learn to mind their own freaking business. Don't let her get to you.
I've seen first hand that you are a great mom, so don't let some random stranger pretend she knows your lyfe! If this was the biggest issue she saw, it must have been an extremely slow Friday night at Target. WTF.
As someone whose kid had a shitstorn of a tantrum in target with some hosebeast following me around telling me she feared for my child's safety, let me tell you that you did nothing report worthy. People need to learn to mind their own freaking business. Don't let her get to you.
WTH is with Target?? It's my happy place...don't let the crazies ruin it!!
As someone whose kid had a shitstorn of a tantrum in target with some hosebeast following me around telling me she feared for my child's safety, let me tell you that you did nothing report worthy. People need to learn to mind their own freaking business. Don't let her get to you.
WTH is with Target?? It's my happy place...don't let the crazies ruin it!!
Haha my sister and I refer to target as the happiest place on earth. Hopefully the crazy lady shops at Walmart from here on out.
Post by Kcthepouchh8r on Apr 4, 2015 6:31:03 GMT -5
You weren't out of line. I do agree with the empty threat not being the best choice but it certainly wasn't anything cps worthy. Just to throw out another idea I've used with that issue-I would say "your choice here is you can walk out like a big kid or I could carry you like a baby". The B word is very motivating here as we are so big now and not a baby at all.
Um, I do that all the time. I've never had it happen in the vestibule, but one time DD laid down in the middle of the aisle because I told her we didn't have time to look at toys. I don't usually threaten or even say anything. I just keep (slowly) walking and she ALWAYS catches up.
You did nothing wrong and I'm sorry that she made you feel shitty.
You weren't out of line. I do agree with the empty threat not being the best choice but it certainly wasn't anything cps worthy. Just to throw out another idea I've used with that issue-I would say "your choice here is you can walk out like a big kid or I could carry you like a baby". The B word is very motivating here as we are so big now and not a baby at all.
Oh, yeah, the "B" word is pretty dreaded around here. Though, I have had that one backfire on me as well, when she just starts babbling and crawling, and calling, "ma-ma, ma-ma!! WAHHHHH!" So that's fun too.
In hindsight, what I should have told DD was that we would wait, but wasting all this time at the store waiting for her to act like a big girl was taking time away from watching a show/playing with play dough/painting when we got home. That usually gets her attention when she is being ridiculous. But, whatever. It's over. Whatever sent her into her little snit passed as quickly as it came, and she was fine all afternoon.
Also, I love hearing these "parenting for real" moments. lala - DD was in a phase for a while where she would absolutely trash her room or the playroom during quiet time. Like TRASH - every toy, blanket, clothing item, book tossed on the floor. I would go in after and tell her she needed to clean it up before we could do XYZ. She would just flat out refuse, arms crossed, the whole deal. So, I would clean it up and she would lose the toys. By day three of this (I am still not sure how she has so much stuff that she could do this for three days), I was over it. I went in with my trash bag and started picking stuff up and just shoving it into bags, and narrating for her benefit: "Oh, it's your super special necklace from school. Too bad it's gone. What a cute baby doll...gone. We love this book! See ya later, book." She was livid. But, boy was her room clean. (She has since earned back most of the toys, after a pretty hefty purge.)