Post by underwaterrhymes on Apr 17, 2015 11:53:41 GMT -5
That's really sad your sister does that. I hope she's able to work through it because her actions do have an effect on your relationship and she's making it so you can't interact with each other in ways that are healthy.
Have you talked with a counselor about your feelings? It might help if you were able to work through some of these past (and current) hurts.
That's really sad your sister does that. I hope she's able to work through it because her actions do have an effect on your relationship and she's making it so you can't interact with each other in ways that are healthy.
Have you talked with a counselor about your feelings? It might help if you were able to work through some of these past (and current) hurts.
I haven't discussed these particular issues with a counselor, but I know I need to seek therapy again soon. I have a LOT of issues with both my mom and sister to work through.
I cried because to me, it meant that my wedding wasn't important enough for her to be clean for lol. Like it was such a drag to be my maid of honor that washing her ass and pits wasn't worth it.
Okay, so your sister is weird, but you were super sensitive. I can't remember if I showered the night before my sister's wedding, but if she had asked me if I did and then cried if I didn't or brought it up years later as something that bothered her, I would have laughed.
Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel - I mean hello! She spoiled her sister the week before HER OWN wedding to make her sister not feel bad?
You owe her nothing. She is a brat and you are feeding into it. I'm sorry she has and continues to do this.
She's jealous with a side of crazy
(But I can appreciate how it would be hard to cut out a sister. I love mine dearly and it would break my heart if it got to that point with one of them)
ETA - I hope that didn't sound snarky about you feeding into it. You just need to try to not feel bad for living yoru life for you. The more you add to her story, the more I think I would limit contact with her. She's a nut
That's really sad your sister does that. I hope she's able to work through it because her actions do have an effect on your relationship and she's making it so you can't interact with each other in ways that are healthy.
Have you talked with a counselor about your feelings? It might help if you were able to work through some of these past (and current) hurts.
I haven't discussed these particular issues with a counselor, but I know I need to seek therapy again soon. I have a LOT of issues with both my mom and sister to work through.
One of my greatest accomplishments in life was getting to the point where I can roll my eyes at stupid or hurtful shit my father does and keep on going. He honestly has his head up his ass a lot of the time and isn't trying to be a dick. It's just part of his personality, although he's gotten tons better.
I did let my anger get the best of me and called my stepmom a bitch to her face shortly after my son was born. Even though she WAS being a bitch, I was wrong to call her one, and apologized via email soon after, but we definitely had (and still have) a tremendous rift. We didn't talk or see each other for more than a year after that interaction and things are still rocky.
I don't share this experience with my sister. It doesn't seem like normal behaviour for anyone to insist on being gifted so many things from someone else.
no. you are wrong. one must always shower before a semi- or formal event. that's just common sense. i go to the grocery store without a shower, i don't stand up as someone's MOH and take professional photographs without washing my ass crack first.
The crying, though. It's a silly thing to cry about.
I understand the crying. Your sister was being totally disrespectful at that point. She obviously did that just to hurt you.
underwaterrhymes - Sorry you have family tension as well. It sucks. I think for me the biggest problem is mourning the loss of the "fantasy" family I have in my head and realizing it won't be like that.
underwaterrhymes - Sorry you have family tension as well. It sucks. I think for me the biggest problem is mourning the loss of the "fantasy" family I have in my head and realizing it won't be like that.
This is something that comes up again and again as I age.
Have you tried flipping it in your mind and thinking about how your Mom's message was interpreted by your sister? Hearing that she was the 'wanted' child is a lot of pressure, especially if you feel like you're not living up to it and your sister is surpassing you. She might not necessarily be taking advantage of you, she might be subconsciously afraid of you usurping her 'role' in the family and that causes her to react with resentment and entitlement.
That's an insightful take, I'll have to give it some thought. It is possible she feels she's been competing with me for a long time and so her behavior is a result of that. In any case, I definitely should develop a thicker skin about all this.
maybe it is silly? idk. personally, i would cry over this too.
I know she washes her ass to go to work each day, but to stand up in my wedding (presumably, my ONE and ONLY wedding), she couldn't deign to show up with a clean ass...I don't know, it troubled me lol.
I don't judge you for this at all - an already stressful relationship, a wedding that can bring on big emotions, the fact that you bent over backwards to make her feel comfortable when you knew your wedding would potentially hurt her, and her actions showing you a total disregard for your feelings... is it any wonder that you cried? Have other people been through worse things? Sure, but I don't think that makes your feelings invalid or silly.
My sister never asked, she just took stuff. It's been a few years since we've dealt with anything like that, but she is in a much better place than she was back then.
I think you need to stop letting her walk all over you, she is taking advantage of your kindness and guilt.
Yes, but not anymore as I own my house and I'm not living under my parents roof.
ex: I was still living at home in college (I went to a commuter school and lived at home in my parents finished basement the entire time I was in college). Older sister was married, lived in her own place with BIL.
One day she came over to our parent's house and went to leave and PUT ON MY SHOES as she was going out the door. As in "oooh, I like these. I'm taking them" kind of deal. I said "hell no. I wear those shoes every day. WTF are you thinking?"
Here's the issue: MY MOTHER ABSOLUTELY BACKED HER STEALING MY SHOES. Why? Golden child syndrome. My parents had an "heir and a spare". As the spare I was alllllllllways just supposed to let Golden Child have whatever she wanted, because my parents did so.
I put my foot down (lolz) and my parents were all "how can you be so meeeeeeeeeean to your sister?!?" The sense of entitlement is strong in this one. Her 1st TWO cars were fully paid for by my parents. They STILL TO THIS DAY pay her (and now BILs by extension) cell phone bills. She got a cell in '97ish.
I made payments on my 1st car, to the bank, not my parents, (and all since then) and I didn't get my cell phone until I was in college ~2001 because I could then afford to pay for it.
Post by yourmother on Apr 17, 2015 12:50:17 GMT -5
I'm stuck on the part where you can't talk about your DH. And you go along with it? I mean, when she comes to your house, does your DH have to leave? WTMF is that nonsense all about?
I'm stuck on the part where you can't talk about your DH. And you go along with it? I mean, when she comes to your house, does your DH have to leave? WTMF is that nonsense all about?
I strongly suggest counseling.
The refusal to hear about my H started in the past year. It's been 16 months since she came to visit. I don't plan to invite her any time soon. Obviously it is still fucked up.
My brother doesn't want any of my stuff plus he lives 4 hours away so we never encounter this issue. I, as the little sister, use to take his clothes to wear to school but I was 13 and he would usually take it right back if he noticed. We haven't had this type of interaction in 15 years.
He made me cry on my wedding day because he came to my mom's house 2 hours before the wedding to take a dump in the only bathroom in the house. I was running late and needed to shower. I threw a hysterical fit. He apologized later and told me I was pretty so I forgave him.
I'm a big "you feel what you feel when you feel it" person. So, in the moment I would absolutely have comforted a friend who cried over something like this, even if it's not something that would have made me cry myself.
But it's not healthy to hang on to this years later as proof that someone doesn't love you or care about your happiness. It's hard enough to carry our own anger and hurt around. When we start letting other people's reflect on us, it really does weigh us down.
@stargazer, I'm sorry if I was dismissive of how you felt the night before your wedding. It's not my intention. People do and say cruel and intentionally hurtful things that others might not see as cruel or intentionally hurtful because they haven't lived it, so there might be nuances I'm missing.
I think your sister DOES love you but probably has her own bitterness and resentment that she's hanging onto. Those are her issues. Let them be her issues.
Thank you for understanding. I see what you're saying, I shouldn't let it bother me years later. Putting some emotional distance there would also be helpful. Just FYI, my tag is moonbeam, stargazer is someone else.
Another layer to the story is that my sister now doesn't want to hear about my H, at all. When we talk on the phone, if I so much as mention him, she immediately interrupts. Like she can't bear to hear about him, even though he's the most important person in my life. For this reason I have stopped mentioning him at all. I know it's because she's bitter that she is still single, and the problem is hers, not mine. It still stings though. She'd rather pretend he doesn't exist.
Your sister is quirky. Maybe only with you, maybe with everybody, but she is quirky. It's okay.
Just go ahead and take it in. "Man, my sister's a little quirky about my stuff, or everybody's stuff, or being single."
Accept it, and then figure out how you are going to jovially laugh it off every time she asks for your stuff. "I like that. Can I have it?" And you laugh and say "Oh, you're funny just like a 5-year-old," and you laugh, go to the other room and FORGET ABOUT IT. Don't give her young behavior this weight over you. It's not about you, it's about struggles she has. Don't assign this a big value.
It sounds like you love your sister and there is something salvageable in your relationship. Try not to let little things (and these are little things) get to you. There was a woman here who had something STOLEN from her by her sibling. I'm sure others have other hair-curling stories, too. Your sister is young-minded to ask "Can I have it?" probably because of your rough childhoods, or perhaps just bad manners or being a spoiled adult. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
Absolve yourself from being your sister's fixer, find a way to peaceably live with her and get on with having a nice sibling relationship with her.
You didn't REALLY care if she took a shower as long as she was clean for your wedding, right? This isn't REALLY about whether her butt was "clean", this was about the "It's not my wedding," pity party she was having and how she let you down the night before and just wouldn't let you have the joy. She stole your joy. Not okay, but she's damaged. This is what damaged people do sometimes.
I hope your sister can get some help to work through this stuff, it's certainly manageable. I also hope YOU can cut yourself a break and stop feeling responsible to make her life okay.
It's going to be okay, OP. You sound like a very nice sister to her. It's okay to tell her no, to be annoyed, to tell her off. SHE'S YOUR SISTER. It's okay to let it all hang out. But it's also kind to yourself to let some of it go if it's minor.
Post by revolution on Apr 17, 2015 14:08:06 GMT -5
No, but when they come visit me I try to give them tons of shit. I really do. But that is because I live in my dad's old house and they came and took a few things they wanted after he passed away and left me with a house full of stuff no one knows what to do with and they just won't take it.
Your sister has boundary issues. She's still acting this way long after childhood b/c she knows she can get away with it. I hope you reach a place where you won't feel guilty saying no to intrusive demands.