Post by game blouses on Apr 17, 2015 14:29:27 GMT -5
The not talking about your DH reminds me of my in-laws so, so much. DH was overfunctional around them, as you are with you sister, taking extra steps to make sure they were happy (buying her a camera before your own wedding). He has since learned that overfunctioning with dysfunctional people is a way to avoid his own anxiety about their disapproval.
Like your sister doesn't ask about your DH, my ILs haven't seen our kids in a year. Or asked about them. They live 10 minutes away.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of work on yourself, which is really good. But one thing you should be prepared for is that as you become healthier and less apt to respond to her toxic behavior, the more she will lash out and try to make you feel guilty for not letting her manipulate you. If she doesn't also seek out emotional health, she may estrange herself from you when she realizes she can't control you.
I strongly suggest reading Codependent No More if you haven't read it. ((huge hugs))
I have 4 sisters and we're all comfortable with a 'hey if you're getting rid of such and such I'll take it off your hands." It's not every.single.time one of us has something another sister wants. That is weird.
No, but I do give her all my clothing that doesn't fit, because she's thinner than me.
My sisters are so thin that my clothes at the thinnest I've ever been in my life dieting and working out 10 hours a week are too big for them. Sigh.
No, my sisters don't take stuff. My sister M likes to check out my make up and puts some on, but I don't mind. She's very generous and actually a minimalist, so she's always trying to give me her stuff, ha!
My whacko sister used to take MY SHIT out of my room, and then get all pissy with me when I called her on it. it still pisses me off 35 years later. So I'd probably snatch her bald if she even set one foot in my bedroom now.
But it's not likely she'll be able to get into my bedroom. She's in an assisted living facility in a different state.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
The not talking about your DH reminds me of my in-laws so, so much. DH was overfunctional around them, as you are with you sister, taking extra steps to make sure they were happy (buying her a camera before your own wedding). He has since learned that overfunctioning with dysfunctional people is a way to avoid his own anxiety about their disapproval.
Like your sister doesn't ask about your DH, my ILs haven't seen our kids in a year. Or asked about them. They live 10 minutes away.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of work on yourself, which is really good. But one thing you should be prepared for is that as you become healthier and less apt to respond to her toxic behavior, the more she will lash out and try to make you feel guilty for not letting her manipulate you. If she doesn't also seek out emotional health, she may estrange herself from you when she realizes she can't control you.
I strongly suggest reading Codependent No More if you haven't read it. ((huge hugs))
This was very helpful! I do find that I'm up against a lot of resistance when I start to be more assertive. I definitely plan to read that book.
I'm just curious, and I apologize if this has been asked, but I didn't see it in the first 3 pages.
How old is your sister? Is she older or are you? Is she married/in a relationship? Has she always been like this?
I'm just trying to wrap my head around this behaviour because it is so freaking odd.
She's 34, almost 35, which is 6 years older than me. She is not currently in a relationship. Yeah, she has always been this way, but it only started to really bother me in the past few years.
And this is not "quirky". Portland is "quirky". Cat ladies who push their cats around in little strollers wearing cat sweaters are "quirky". This neither quirky nor "okay".
I guess we just see this differently, Nugget.
To me the OP's sister is a little over-the-top on some things, too sensitive about not being married (and thus ignoring OP's conversation about her husband) and pretty young in some of her boundaries but I don't see a ruthless hag of a sister swiping things from OP or causing physical harm.
Maybe I'm reading it wrong but what I hear from the OP is that she wants some encouragement from us here, and even that she doesn't want condemnation of her sister here. I'm not saying people are condemning the OP's sister, but I just don't see the things OP has stated to be so incredulous -- yes, they are odd. That's why I called her quirky. And truly, how many of us DON'T have a relative we can call quirky? It's not that uncommon.
This is what I pick up from this, and certainly we all have our own angles. All we can hope for is that someone here can bring some encouragement or enlightenment to the OP. I think we're all aiming for the same thing, and I know you are always trying to help others, too, as you have done here.
I think it's a bit more than quirky that OP's sister just refuses to hear about or listen to anything the OP has to say about her H. I mean, I don't have siblings, but I'm pretty sure if I did, I should be able to casually bring my H up in conversation with them since they're my siblings.
I see the OP's sister as being manipulative and downright hurtful.
Her sister is being hurtful, childish and cruel. By calling it quirky you are dismissing that.
Well said.
I am not trying to be dismissive and am not excusing the sister's poor behavior. OP, I'm sorry your sister has been so hurtful to you. I hope things can change for the best in your relationship with her. (heart)
Perhaps the OP's sister is "quirky", but it's a mean, hurtful quirky. Just being breezy and writing her off as "oh she's so quirky...ha ha" is still allowing oneself to be manipulated, which is not cool.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Perhaps the OP's sister is "quirky", but it's a mean, hurtful quirky. Just being breezy and writing her off as "oh she's so quirky...ha ha" is still allowing oneself to be manipulated, which is not cool.
I'm tapping out of this thread after this post.
I just read it differently than other people at first. I have now seen a different view. I have, from my original response, tried to encourage the OP kindly as I feel for her.
That's it. I'm out of this post from here. OP, I wish you well. I do recognize that your sister has been manipulative and jerky toward you. I am sorry that you have to deal with that and I hope your sister endeavors to change these things about herself so you two can have a healthier relationship.
All the best to you, OP!
Thanks, ladies, for your input, too. I know we all come from different angles with different life experiences. I appreciate hearing from others with their views on such things but I'm done responding here. Thank you for kindnesses showed toward me in pointing out things I erroneously did not initially recognize.
Post by DotAndBuzz on Apr 18, 2015 12:36:55 GMT -5
Well, my sister told me she expected to be able to take up residence in my basement if she got a job in my town. And my mother also expected this to be the OBVIOUS arrangement to "help out poor sister who isn't as lucky as you." so....yes?
Yes, mom and sis, it's all luck. It has nothing to do with the fact that H worked his ass off for 11 years after college to get the job he now has, it has nothing to do with us budgeting and planning, it has nothing to do with SISTER's choices. It's all luck.
So yes, she does this - not with my things like clothes, just with my house and expecting us to live our lives around her "impossible" work schedule.
We're not close.
OP - I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sucks, no matter what you call it, and I hope you find some resolution soon.
Post by irene adler on Apr 18, 2015 13:12:40 GMT -5
When I was in college and my sister lived at home, absolutely. She loved to go clothes shopping and will get tired of things pretty quickly which was a bonus for me
My mother does this every time she comes to visit. Started with purses and has moved on to jewelry. I have a bunch of Yurman that she "found" when going through my jewelry box, she was upset that I wouldn't give her a bracelet.