Picturing yourself alone...

[maries1212]

Sorry if I'm bombarding you guys with questions lately, but I'm feeling so confused about leaving my marriage, or making it work, and so far I've gotten some wonderful advice from you all and it's been a big help. Of course I'm still not sure what to do - but it's progress in my mind.

So here's my question today - I seem to think up a new one every day depending on what I'm struggling with at that time.

If you decided you wanted the divorce/split - could you picture yourself alone? I'm having a hard time with this - I picture myself with soemone else, in a happy relationship, that has some of the things I'm currently lacking - or just an overall happy relationship. I fantasize about being with someone that can provide some of the things that DH doesn't - like affection and outward love.

One example I thought of - if DH went away for a week for a trip, and he came back, when I first saw him, would I run to him to give him a hug because I missed him? No. I wouldn't. Sure, it would be nice to have him back home, but I can't say that I'd be over the moon happy because I've missed him so much. So in my head I fantasize about someone that I'd feel that way towards. Maybe this is a bad example, I don't know, I am kind of rambling

I know that this isn't necessarily healthy, because I know if DH and I split, being alone would be my reality - at least for a while. How did you deal with this?

I have a hard time trying to separate my thoughts between fantasizing about a happier relationship - when I know I need to be thinking about my current relationship - and what it needs to come down to is am I happier with DH, or alone...and that's it. Not would I be happier with DH, alone, or with someone fictional in my head (now I sound crazy!)

I worry that my thoughts of what a relationship 'could' be like are skewing my thoughts and decisions about my marriage and what to do with it. If I fantasize about a happy relationship with someone else, I can sense that it's pushing me further away from DH.

Does this make any sense? Please tell me I'm not the only one going through this - because in all honesty - I feel like I'm going nuts.

[Bernadine]

I was super psyched about being alone and could totally picture it. But I could also imagine myself in a much more fulfilling relationship than the one I was in.

While I have been dating, I've also embraced the freedom I now have to do what I want, when I want.

I can't remember, are you seeing a counselor? Because you really should. And keep a journal.

[bullygirl979]

Sorry, I am not going to be much help.

When I decided to split from my XH it wasn't like I was picturing myself alone or with someone else---I just knew I didn't want him in my life anymore.

FWIW, I think you may be doing yourself a disservice by picturing all of these wonderful things that you may have with someone else.....because what if you DON'T have those? Will you be happy alone? I think you need to make this about you and your DH, don't bring phantom partners into the equation. If what you and your DH have isn't enough for you, then there is your answer.

[maries1212]

Aug 14, 2012 9:24:03 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

I was super psyched about being alone and could totally picture it. But I could also imagine myself in a much more fulfilling relationship than the one I was in.

While I have been dating, I've also embraced the freedom I now have to do what I want, when I want.

I can't remember, are you seeing a counselor? Because you really should. And keep a journal.

I am seeing a counselor - but I think I need to see her more often, I'm only seeing her about every 3 weeks right now and I don't think it's enough.

In some ways I do see myself alone, but not in others. I do picture myself in a cute little apartment with DD - or renting a place with my mother because that would probably be my reality for a year or two for financial reasons. But then I also find myself almost feeling lustful towards the thought of a relationship where I WANT the person I'm with. Me and my H have become such roommates I don't physically want him, I'm not really attracted to him in that way anymore. I think that's where a lot of my fantasizing comes from.

[doriswe]

Aug 14, 2012 9:27:51 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Sorry, I am not going to be much help.

When I decided to split from my XH it wasn't like I was picturing myself alone or with someone else---I just knew I didn't want him in my life anymore.

FWIW, I think you may be doing yourself a disservice by picturing all of these wonderful things that you may have with someone else.....because what if you DON'T have those? Will you be happy alone? I think you need to make this about you and your DH, don't bring phantom partners into the equation. If what you and your DH have isn't enough for you, then there is your answer.

I totally agree with all of this!

[maries1212]

Aug 14, 2012 9:27:51 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

FWIW, I think you may be doing yourself a disservice by picturing all of these wonderful things that you may have with someone else.....because what if you DON'T have those? Will you be happy alone? I think you need to make this about you and your DH, don't bring phantom partners into the equation. If what you and your DH have isn't enough for you, then there is your answer.

I do agree with this, and I recognize it - that's why I'm having a hard time with it I think. Even though I know I shouldn't be thinking that way, I'm having a hard time getting those thoughts out of my head.

Plus - tell me if I'm wrong - in a happy healthy marriage - I feel like someone wouldn't necessarily be fantiasizing about how much better it could be with someone else - right?

I've been with DH for 9 years, married 5, and I have to say that even though this past year has by far been the worst, I've thought of other men in this way on and off for the latter 1/2 of our relationship (I've never cheated - never will - I have too much moral respect for myself and my marriage vows). I think it's because I long to have at least a little passion in marriage, and I don't have any. I do feel lots of guilt over my thoughts, I will say that much. I know it's not right. I know it's sinful, and I pray for God to help me remove it from my life.

[maries1212]

I wonder too if given my situation if a separation would be best - just to see how I truly feel alone without him for a while. Maybe a separation would help me sort through some of this and some of my thoughts - and help me to know how I truly feel alone. Maybe it would help give me some clarity.

[gozf]

I need clarification on something, please. Is it just the IDEA of another partner, or do you have a real, live human being in mind/on the back burner?

[doriswe]

Do I think it's "normal" to dream about other people and what it could be like, no. Do I think it's going to help you in the long run, no! Dreaming up what it "should" be will leave you disappointed. Relationships aren't always pretty and shiny and wonderful. They are hard and there are low low times along with the really good times.

I think you should focus more on YOU and less about the potential loves down the road. If you're not happy in your marriage, and you aren't in it for the long haul, get out and get yourself together. Be happy alone in life.

[bullygirl979]

Aug 14, 2012 9:35:30 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:27:51 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

FWIW, I think you may be doing yourself a disservice by picturing all of these wonderful things that you may have with someone else.....because what if you DON'T have those? Will you be happy alone? I think you need to make this about you and your DH, don't bring phantom partners into the equation. If what you and your DH have isn't enough for you, then there is your answer.

I do agree with this, and I recognize it - that's why I'm having a hard time with it I think. Even though I know I shouldn't be thinking that way, I'm having a hard time getting those thoughts out of my head.

Plus - tell me if I'm wrong - in a happy healthy marriage - I feel like someone wouldn't necessarily be fantiasizing about how much better it could be with someone else - right?

I've been with DH for 9 years, married 5, and I have to say that even though this past year has by far been the worst, I've thought of other men in this way on and off for the latter 1/2 of our relationship (I've never cheated - never will - I have too much moral respect for myself and my marriage vows). I think it's because I long to have at least a little passion in marriage, and I don't have any. I do feel lots of guilt over my thoughts, I will say that much. I know it's not right. I know it's sinful, and I pray for God to help me remove it from my life.

Sorry, I do think you're wrong. Let's say you're married oh, 40 years. I find it hard to believe that you would feel incredible passion every day for 40 years. Or that you wouldn't feel unhappy at times. Or that you wouldn't "wonder" at times.

I once read a study on couple who were having marital difficulties and were on the brink of divorce. They interviewed the same couples 5 years later. The ones who stayed together said they felt like they have never been happier and were so glad they stuck it out because they felt like their marriages were stronger than ever.

Have you been to joint counseling?

[maries1212]

Aug 14, 2012 9:39:24 GMT -5 gozf said:

I need clarification on something, please. Is it just the IDEA of another partner, or do you have a real, live human being in mind/on the back burner?

I cry as I type this - I feel so much guilt and shame - but there is someone in particular I think of.

I am a very moral honest person, and if DH and I did split, I can honestly say that I wouldn't start a relationship with anyone else right away, I'd force myself to stay away for a while - maybe a year? Just to get myself in order. I know that's what's right. I don't want to be the person who leaves her DH for another person.

[maries1212]

Aug 14, 2012 9:40:38 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I think you should focus more on YOU and less about the potential loves down the road. If you're not happy in your marriage, and you aren't in it for the long haul, get out and get yourself together. Be happy alone in life.

I want to do this. I want to focus on me. So much of my life has been spent making everyone else happy. That's just my personality - I'm the peacemaker. I don't take time for me.

I know that relationships aren't all happy puppies and rainbows every day, but I feel like there should be days like that once in a while, to offset the bad days. Even when DH have a good day, it's not great - it's just OK - like we're going through the motions.

[maries1212]

Aug 14, 2012 9:42:07 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:35:30 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

I do agree with this, and I recognize it - that's why I'm having a hard time with it I think. Even though I know I shouldn't be thinking that way, I'm having a hard time getting those thoughts out of my head.

Plus - tell me if I'm wrong - in a happy healthy marriage - I feel like someone wouldn't necessarily be fantiasizing about how much better it could be with someone else - right?

.

Sorry, I do think you're wrong. Let's say you're married oh, 40 years. I find it hard to believe that you would feel incredible passion every day for 40 years. Or that you wouldn't feel unhappy at times. Or that you wouldn't "wonder" at times.

I once read a study on couple who were having marital difficulties and were on the brink of divorce. They interviewed the same couples 5 years later. The ones who stayed together said they felt like they have never been happier and were so glad they stuck it out because they felt like their marriages were stronger than ever.

Have you been to joint counseling?

We've been to joint counseling, and neither of us tried very hard. We were will to go to the sessions, but not do the work afterwards at home. We went on a weekend retreat too for marriages in trouble, and we never put in the time to do the follow up sessions or the homework they gave us.

I don't expect passion all day every day, but I do think some of that needs to be there. DH and I have never been hot and heavy for each other - even in the beginning. it's like we've always been friends.

[jade28]

You have to make your decision based on what you know right now. Not what could be or how you could feel in the future. Think about how you feel right now and your reality right now. Focus on that.

I would not spend time or energy thinking of possible future relationships because that is just going to screw with you. Stay in the present. Deal with the present. Don't make it messier but bringing in possible future scenarios.

I never imagined myself in a better relationship. I didn't even know what better would look like I just knew what I had was not working and I was not happy. I didn't even picture myself alone. I had no idea what the future held and I had to take the leap without knowing.

[gozf]

Aug 14, 2012 9:43:00 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:39:24 GMT -5 gozf said:

I need clarification on something, please. Is it just the IDEA of another partner, or do you have a real, live human being in mind/on the back burner?

I cry as I type this - I feel so much guilt and shame - but there is someone in particular I think of.

I am a very moral honest person, and if DH and I did split, I can honestly say that I wouldn't start a relationship with anyone else right away, I'd force myself to stay away for a while - maybe a year? Just to get myself in order. I know that's what's right. I don't want to be the person who leaves her DH for another person.

I am not interested in shaming you at all. I only asked b/c my answer would change, depending on yours.

Honestly examine whether or not you're in emotional affair territory yet, or if this is unrequited pining on your part. And did your lack of interest in your partner start before you became enamored with this other person, or after? Lastly, are you being honest with your therapist about everything? If not, you need to be. He or she won't judge you, and you aren't going to get everything sorted out unless you reveal what's important.

[maries1212]

For what it's worth I do appreciate all of your advice and honesty!

[doriswe]

Aug 14, 2012 9:46:40 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:40:38 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I think you should focus more on YOU and less about the potential loves down the road. If you're not happy in your marriage, and you aren't in it for the long haul, get out and get yourself together. Be happy alone in life.

I want to do this. I want to focus on me. So much of my life has been spent making everyone else happy. That's just my personality - I'm the peacemaker. I don't take time for me.

I know that relationships aren't all happy puppies and rainbows every day, but I feel like there should be days like that once in a while, to offset the bad days. Even when DH have a good day, it's not great - it's just OK - like we're going through the motions.

Okay....so you know you need to focus on you....so let go of the fantasy of the other man and do what you need to do for YOU. The other guy isn't the fix to this situation, you finding peace in who you are is.

[maries1212]

Aug 14, 2012 9:51:34 GMT -5 gozf said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:43:00 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

I cry as I type this - I feel so much guilt and shame - but there is someone in particular I think of.

I am a very moral honest person, and if DH and I did split, I can honestly say that I wouldn't start a relationship with anyone else right away, I'd force myself to stay away for a while - maybe a year? Just to get myself in order. I know that's what's right. I don't want to be the person who leaves her DH for another person.

I am not interested in shaming you at all. I only asked b/c my answer would change, depending on yours.

Honestly examine whether or not you're in emotional affair territory yet, or if this is unrequited pining on your part. And did your lack of interest in your partner start before you became enamored with this other person, or after? Lastly, are you being honest with your therapist about everything? If not, you need to be. He or she won't judge you, and you aren't going to get everything sorted out unless you reveal what's important.

I didn't take it as you shaming me - I need to get this out and be honest about it.

My lack of interest in DH started before thoughts of this other guy - but - like I said - I did this once before, about a year into our marriage - with another guy in my head. It slowly passed.

I am being honest with my therapist - she knows that I think of this other guy in that way. We've even talked about why I think of him that way - because he and I are very similar - share a lot of the same interests/values that DH and I don't have.

[5kg8rgirl]

I left my H due to addiction issues, but I couldn't picture myself alone. At all. Even at our worst, I couldn't see myself by myself. I realize that is very codependent. Even though I knew better, I jumped right into a relationship with an amazing guy almost right away after I left stbxh. Interestingly, I wasn't happy in that relationship either even though he is amazingly wonderful and ridiculously hot. Like so hot it hurts lol. we ended it bc we both realized I wasn't ready. I am now taking time to myself and am happier than I have been in years. So, just bc you can't see yourself alone, doesn't mean you won't be happier that way. And just bc you have someone else in mind doesn't ,mean you'll necessarily be ready for that either. Bottom line is if you aren't happy, leave. Chances are you will be happier by yourself and maybe with someone else down the road. Honestly it sounds like your mind is made up already.

[jade28]

Ah I was wondering if there was a guy in mind. I have a lot of advice on this so message me if you want to talk. I will tell you though that every guy has faults, no one is who they appear to be in your mind or fantasy.

You have to focus on what you have now and if it is good enough for you and your life. Don't make it about your husband or some other guy, make it about you. Definitely don't think another guy is going to give you the relationship you want or that another guy is going to be better.

As of right now, there is no better guy. There may be a better life for you, a better version of you, better feelings, better relationships maybe but no guy is better.

[maries1212]

Aug 14, 2012 9:52:25 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:46:40 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

Okay....so you know you need to focus on you....so let go of the fantasy of the other man and do what you need to do for YOU. The other guy isn't the fix to this situation, you finding peace in who you are is.

I do agree with that - I'm forcing myself to avoid this other guy, because just seeing him will not help my situation at all and I know that. I feel like once I can finally get the thoughts of him out of my head I can think more clearly about the situation with DH and I.

I'm still leaning towards a separation - and during that time really focusing on being alone. Maybe that will help clarify what I want or don't want.

Even when I met DH - I jumped from long term relationship to long term relationship to DH - I'm 31 years old and I've never really been alone.

[doriswe]

Aug 14, 2012 9:57:39 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:52:25 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:46:40 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

Okay....so you know you need to focus on you....so let go of the fantasy of the other man and do what you need to do for YOU. The other guy isn't the fix to this situation, you finding peace in who you are is.

I do agree with that - I'm forcing myself to avoid this other guy, because just seeing him will not help my situation at all and I know that. I feel like once I can finally get the thoughts of him out of my head I can think more clearly about the situation with DH and I.

I'm still leaning towards a separation - and during that time really focusing on being alone. Maybe that will help clarify what I want or don't want.

Even when I met DH - I jumped from long term relationship to long term relationship to DH - I'm 31 years old and I've never really been alone.

Okay....a few things....I know very few people who have separated and managed to work it out. I think it sounds like you want to separate to validate what you want. If you want to divorce, why drag it out?

Also, please please please be alone for a while and find yourself. You are not just an extension of some man you're in a relationship with. I'll also say you'll make better choices in life if you can learn to be alone and be content with that.

[gozf]

Aug 14, 2012 9:57:39 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:52:25 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:46:40 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

Okay....so you know you need to focus on you....so let go of the fantasy of the other man and do what you need to do for YOU. The other guy isn't the fix to this situation, you finding peace in who you are is.

I do agree with that - I'm forcing myself to avoid this other guy, because just seeing him will not help my situation at all and I know that. I feel like once I can finally get the thoughts of him out of my head I can think more clearly about the situation with DH and I.

I'm still leaning towards a separation - and during that time really focusing on being alone. Maybe that will help clarify what I want or don't want.

Even when I met DH - I jumped from long term relationship to long term relationship to DH - I'm 31 years old and I've never really been alone.

A few quick things:

- If you don't cut the other guy off entirely, it doesn't sound good for your marriage. How do you know him? Can you cut ties without too many complications?

- Just because you've never really been alone doesn't mean you need to be now. What you do need to do, however, is examine why you have such a pattern to jump from one relationship to another. Until you figure out what causes that cycle, you'll likely always be on the lookout for something better. I don't think you need me to tell you that that's no prescription for a happy life.

- To what extent does your husband know of your discontent? To what extent is the problem actually with him?

[bullygirl979]

Aug 14, 2012 9:48:48 GMT -5 maries1212 said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:42:07 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Sorry, I do think you're wrong. Let's say you're married oh, 40 years. I find it hard to believe that you would feel incredible passion every day for 40 years. Or that you wouldn't feel unhappy at times. Or that you wouldn't "wonder" at times.

I once read a study on couple who were having marital difficulties and were on the brink of divorce. They interviewed the same couples 5 years later. The ones who stayed together said they felt like they have never been happier and were so glad they stuck it out because they felt like their marriages were stronger than ever.

Have you been to joint counseling?

We've been to joint counseling, and neither of us tried very hard. We were will to go to the sessions, but not do the work afterwards at home. We went on a weekend retreat too for marriages in trouble, and we never put in the time to do the follow up sessions or the homework they gave us.

I don't expect passion all day every day, but I do think some of that needs to be there. DH and I have never been hot and heavy for each other - even in the beginning. it's like we've always been friends.

So why did you marry him?

[redredwine]

Aug 14, 2012 9:24:03 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

I was super psyched about being alone and could totally picture it. But I could also imagine myself in a much more fulfilling relationship than the one I was in.

While I have been dating, I've also embraced the freedom I now have to do what I want, when I want.

I can't remember, are you seeing a counselor? Because you really should. And keep a journal.

OMG, so all of this!
LOVE the freedom of being alone. But I think you have to be really comfortable with who you are in order to be successful at it.

[aliciar6]

"You have to focus on what you have now and if it is good enough for you and your life. Don't make it about your husband or some other guy, make it about you. Definitely don't think another guy is going to give you the relationship you want or that another guy is going to be better."

the above words are probably some of the best i have seen written on this topic and as advice.

this has to be about you and what you want out of life. if this isn't it, and you can't or won't be able to make it what you want, then your choices are to live with it or to end it and make a new life and eventually find what is right for you. End it for the right reasons, put the thoughts of another guy out of your mind...when the time is right, if you end things, you'll be ready to be involved in a relationship with who ever that may be, and it may happen to not be the guy you find yourself thinking about.

i know you are deeply religious and we do have our faith in common, so when you open your heart and ask the Lord for guidance, what do you hear/feel back?

In my mind, i don't think He's judging you for thinking about another guy, we are human, we have emotions, passions, etc...but he does see you at least staying away and trying to solve the issues with your marriage the right way.

[explorer2001]

I will repeat counselling is a good idea. I did so much picture myself alone when I left my ex. I pictured myself safe and no afraid to come home. In your situation I think you need to determine how much is fantasy and how much is escaping mentally rather than facing and dealing with issues. Is there a problem, yes. What is it: wanting a fairy tale instead of reality, or a real lack of connection, or some other issue yet to be identitied. This is where counselling is helpful.

As so, it may very well be that this is a symptom of something else, ex many of the women I volunteer with were able to talk about a level of distance from their ex but could not label the abuse at first. I am NOT saying this is the case, just that it is something your counselor might explore.

[Bernadine]

Ok, the other guy is a game changer.

You know that the grass isn't always greener, right? Say you leave your h and down the road, you hook up with this guy. He's going to do things that piss you off, things that annoy you.

When you say neither of you tried after counseling- why? You can't control your h, but why didn't YOU try?

[achase123]

I think that one of the steps before actually breaking things off is playing all of these things out in your mind. Like what it would be like to spend holidays alone, how you would deal with your ex-in law's, what your friends will saw, etc. I always run through these scenarios before I break things off with someone. I know it's not the same as ending a marriage, but generally it's always one of the first signs that someone isn't right for me, when I play out the details of the break up before actually doing it.

I couldn't really picture myself alone. I didn't even think that far ahead as far as "could I be alone and happy" I just knew I had to get out. My divorce/separation was pretty much a no other option scenario because XH was cheating and on drugs.

It took a LONG time before I was happy and content with just myself and DS. That's something I struggled with the most because I was NEVER been alone before the divorce. I thought someone would come along quickly and "rescue" me and my baby, me being a poor, jilted single mom. But that didn't happen and I learned to stand on my own and it was the best thing that ever happened to me!

If you want to end things, don't worry about every.single.detail. Some things you won't know. Some things you'll learn in time. You'll eventually figure it out but you don't have to have all of the answers right now.

[maries1212]

Redvelvet29 - I think your description of being alone is great. In some ways I do see myself that way, only having to pick up my mess (and DD's of course), sleeping alone, being able to do what I want in the times I don't have DD with me. In some ways, this in and of itself sounds appealing.

Doriswe - I'm not 100% sure if I want a divorce or not - some days I do, others I don't - I keep going back and fourth. In that way that's why I think of separation, although I know it's not a 'test the waters' solution, I don't know what else to do because I've been in this gray area for the past year not knowing what I want.

Gozf - It will be easy for me to cut this other guy out - he's a friend of a friend, so if I simply avoid being in the same place with him at the same time it's not an issue. My husband knows that I've been in and out. He knows at one point I was ready to leave - we talked about all of this in the few therapy sessions we went to. I've been very clear with him about what's making me unhappy in the marriage.

Bullygirl1979 - I think I married him because for once I met a nice guy. He treated me well, we had fun together. I was in not so great relationships prior to him so I think I jumped at the opportunity to be with someone that treated me well.

Aliciar6 - Google this verse: Proverbs 4:23 - I've seen it twice in 2 days. I think God is telling me to remove the bad things from my heart - in this case lust. I honestly don't know what He is telling me when it comes to DH and I - but I think it's saying I need to remove the thoughts of this other guy first.

Explorer2001 - I do feel distant from my H. I've told him that even though we've been together for nearly 10 years, he still has a wall up with me. I don't know why, but he's never fully opened up to me emotionally. I think the lack of a deeper connection with DH is spot on.

Bernadine - Yes, I do know the grass isn't always greener, and I try to tell myself this daily. I know that someone else is going to have their own issues, baggage, whatever it is. I know that with anyone it isn't going to be perfect. I don't know why I didn't try harder at counseling - I've never had a real drive to try hard. I guess in my mind I thought yeah, marriages should be work and I know that - but to what extent? Maybe this is a bad way of thinking, but I thought in a marriage I need to put in some work, yes, but I shouldn't need to hold on for dear life.