I hate to pry too much, so this question is far more rhetorical than literal, but what IS wrong? Are these things that can be fixed, or not so much?
You aren't prying - it's OK to ask - I'm honestly floored by how much support and advice I'm getting here from complete strangers.
A quick summary: DH and I live like we are roommates - we're parents but not partners. We don't show affection towards each other. We kiss (peck) goodbye in the morning and goodnight before bed and that's literally it. We don't hug or cuddle or show any other outward affection towards each other. We don't hold hands or put our arms around each other. I couldn't tell you the last time we kissed for more than 1 second - and in a way I'm OK with it because I don't desire that from him. We don't even kiss when we have sex.
We are very different. We can't decide what to do on date nights because we don't like doing the same things. I love music, DH doesn't care for music (this might seem petty but music is a HUGE part of my life and I want to even share songs I Like with DH but he has no interest) DH drinks and I don't. I'm a Christian, DH doesn't believe.
I do care for him - but I wonder how much I'm really in love with him. He really is a good guy - nice, a great father, etc.
When our therapist asked us what was good about us as a couple, all we could say was our parenting skills together - we sat there in awkward silence and couldn't say anything good about just the two of us. That was kind of an eye opener for me.
I've told DH all of this - the only time he gets more affectionate is when he wants sex, or when he can tell I'm distancing myself again and he clings on for dear life. I don't desire sex with my H. When we do have sex it's because I realize it's been a while and I should give in, or it's his birthday or something like that. I always think of how couples play together - even tickling, wrestling, joking, etc. and we don't do that. It's like we just don't have that deeper connection. Like I said, we're friends - roommates. We do have fun together, but not in a romantic couples type of way, it's no different then when I go out with my girlfriends.
I hate to pry too much, so this question is far more rhetorical than literal, but what IS wrong? Are these things that can be fixed, or not so much?
And to answer if these things can be fixed, I'm not sure. My therapist asked me, if DH became more affectionate, would that change things for me? I'm not sure. I'm not sure that I'd ever have a desire for him in that way. To WANT my H (not every day, but once in a while, maybe after a good date night or something). Per our therapist, we've tried spicing things up in the bedroom but even then I find I'm not that interested. FWIW it's not my libido.
I know I probably shouldn't take this to heart, but I just found out a few weeks ago that right after DH and I got married a couple of people were talking about how we wouldn't last because we were just too different. I can't help but think that sometimes people see things from the outside that you don't.
I guess I didn't realize you had a daughter... how old is your daughter? I think having children complicates the whole thing and it is not as easy to leave. You will need to deal with your ex all the time when co-parenting
I hate to pry too much, so this question is far more rhetorical than literal, but what IS wrong? Are these things that can be fixed, or not so much?
You aren't prying - it's OK to ask - I'm honestly floored by how much support and advice I'm getting here from complete strangers.
A quick summary: DH and I live like we are roommates - we're parents but not partners. We don't show affection towards each other. We kiss (peck) goodbye in the morning and goodnight before bed and that's literally it. We don't hug or cuddle or show any other outward affection towards each other. We don't hold hands or put our arms around each other. I couldn't tell you the last time we kissed for more than 1 second - and in a way I'm OK with it because I don't desire that from him. We don't even kiss when we have sex.
We are very different. We can't decide what to do on date nights because we don't like doing the same things. I love music, DH doesn't care for music (this might seem petty but music is a HUGE part of my life and I want to even share songs I Like with DH but he has no interest) DH drinks and I don't. I'm a Christian, DH doesn't believe.
I do care for him - but I wonder how much I'm really in love with him. He really is a good guy - nice, a great father, etc.
When our therapist asked us what was good about us as a couple, all we could say was our parenting skills together - we sat there in awkward silence and couldn't say anything good about just the two of us. That was kind of an eye opener for me.
I've told DH all of this - the only time he gets more affectionate is when he wants sex, or when he can tell I'm distancing myself again and he clings on for dear life. I don't desire sex with my H. When we do have sex it's because I realize it's been a while and I should give in, or it's his birthday or something like that. I always think of how couples play together - even tickling, wrestling, joking, etc. and we don't do that. It's like we just don't have that deeper connection. Like I said, we're friends - roommates. We do have fun together, but not in a romantic couples type of way, it's no different then when I go out with my girlfriends.
Honestly, all of these things sound like you've just grown apart over time, and they seem like things that COULD be worked on. There must have been commonalities that brought you together in the beginning. What were they?
How much effort have you put into all of this? Have you tried sending your daughter to grandma's house, getting some racy lingerie and a pair of stilettos and meeting him at the door? How about planning a romantic getaway for the weekend to reconnect?
I worry that the other person you have feelings for is making it much easier to pick your husband apart and is making you less apt to really work on things. It seems like you are simply going through the motions but you really already have one foot out the door. That's why it's SO important to cut things off with the other person.
You aren't prying - it's OK to ask - I'm honestly floored by how much support and advice I'm getting here from complete strangers.
A quick summary: DH and I live like we are roommates - we're parents but not partners. We don't show affection towards each other. We kiss (peck) goodbye in the morning and goodnight before bed and that's literally it. We don't hug or cuddle or show any other outward affection towards each other. We don't hold hands or put our arms around each other. I couldn't tell you the last time we kissed for more than 1 second - and in a way I'm OK with it because I don't desire that from him. We don't even kiss when we have sex.
We are very different. We can't decide what to do on date nights because we don't like doing the same things. I love music, DH doesn't care for music (this might seem petty but music is a HUGE part of my life and I want to even share songs I Like with DH but he has no interest) DH drinks and I don't. I'm a Christian, DH doesn't believe.
I do care for him - but I wonder how much I'm really in love with him. He really is a good guy - nice, a great father, etc.
When our therapist asked us what was good about us as a couple, all we could say was our parenting skills together - we sat there in awkward silence and couldn't say anything good about just the two of us. That was kind of an eye opener for me.
I've told DH all of this - the only time he gets more affectionate is when he wants sex, or when he can tell I'm distancing myself again and he clings on for dear life. I don't desire sex with my H. When we do have sex it's because I realize it's been a while and I should give in, or it's his birthday or something like that. I always think of how couples play together - even tickling, wrestling, joking, etc. and we don't do that. It's like we just don't have that deeper connection. Like I said, we're friends - roommates. We do have fun together, but not in a romantic couples type of way, it's no different then when I go out with my girlfriends.
Honestly, all of these things sound like you've just grown apart over time, and they seem like things that COULD be worked on. There must have been commonalities that brought you together in the beginning. What were they?
How much effort have you put into all of this? Have you tried sending your daughter to grandma's house, getting some racy lingerie and a pair of stilettos and meeting him at the door? How about planning a romantic getaway for the weekend to reconnect?
I worry that the other person you have feelings for is making it much easier to pick your husband apart and is making you less apt to really work on things. It seems like you are simply going through the motions but you really already have one foot out the door. That's why it's SO important to cut things off with the other person.
Also, how long have you been married?
I agree with this...but maybe instead of jumping into sex, why not try an activity that is new to both of you....not a you thing, not a him thing. That way you're both trying something new together and can have that experience to build off of.
Ok, this is a tangent, and it's slightly off-topic, but I think it's important, so I'm going there anyway.
Here's a piece of advice that has served me very well throughout the course of my separation, divorce and in my new relationship: what other people say about me is none of my business.
Fuck those people who said your marriage wouldn't last. It's all a crapshoot; they have no idea. Don't buy into chatter or gossip -- and that's what this was. If they cared about you, they'd have said something before you got married.
People are nosy and lousy and will talk about and question your choices, no matter what they are. And that part isn't your business. Refuse to let it effect you. Do what you know is best for you, and don't worry about anything else. The people who truly love you will stand by you. Those who don't, don't matter. And those who listen to those people aren't worth your time.
Post by maries1212 on Aug 14, 2012 10:59:45 GMT -5
[/quote]
Honestly, all of these things sound like you've just grown apart over time, and they seem like things that COULD be worked on. There must have been commonalities that brought you together in the beginning. What were they?
How much effort have you put into all of this? Have you tried sending your daughter to grandma's house, getting some racy lingerie and a pair of stilettos and meeting him at the door? How about planning a romantic getaway for the weekend to reconnect?
I worry that the other person you have feelings for is making it much easier to pick your husband apart and is making you less apt to really work on things. It seems like you are simply going through the motions but you really already have one foot out the door. That's why it's SO important to cut things off with the other person.
Also, how long have you been married?[/quote]
We've been togeghter for 9 years, married 5. We met when I was 22.
The things that brought us together were more of a group situation type thing. Even in the beginning when we'd go out, it was with a group of friends. of course we spent time together alone, but we met through a friend when he was here visiting, he moved here from out of state, and within weeks we were basically living together. When we'd go out when we first met, it would be bar/dance club scenes, BBQ's at friends houses, things like that. I recall lots of nights before DD was born where I'd be sitting at the bar sober (I became sober before DH and I met) waiting for him to finish his beer so we could go home.
I can't say I've put 100% into this - but I have a hard time finding the drive to want to do that. I haven't tried sexy things, only because when I tried those things in the past over the years (probably 5-6 years ago) he told me that doesn't interest him. It sounds really negative I know, but When I think of a weekend getaway, I think of how we'll be in a hotel and I'll have to have sex with him. We've never really been romantic together.
I too wonder how much my feelings for this other person are causing me to drift further away from wanting to fix things with DH, but some of these feelings about DH and I have existed without the feelings for the other guy too.
Honestly, all of these things sound like you've just grown apart over time, and they seem like things that COULD be worked on. There must have been commonalities that brought you together in the beginning. What were they?
How much effort have you put into all of this? Have you tried sending your daughter to grandma's house, getting some racy lingerie and a pair of stilettos and meeting him at the door? How about planning a romantic getaway for the weekend to reconnect?
I worry that the other person you have feelings for is making it much easier to pick your husband apart and is making you less apt to really work on things. It seems like you are simply going through the motions but you really already have one foot out the door. That's why it's SO important to cut things off with the other person.
Also, how long have you been married?
I agree with this...but maybe instead of jumping into sex, why not try an activity that is new to both of you....not a you thing, not a him thing. That way you're both trying something new together and can have that experience to build off of.
The first therapist we saw mentioned this - we saw 2. We never took heart and did anything about it though.
Ok, this is a tangent, and it's slightly off-topic, but I think it's important, so I'm going there anyway.
Here's a piece of advice that has served me very well throughout the course of my separation, divorce and in my new relationship: what other people say about me is none of my business.
Fuck those people who said your marriage wouldn't last. It's all a crapshoot; they have no idea. Don't buy into chatter or gossip -- and that's what this was. If they cared about you, they'd have said something before you got married.
People are nosy and lousy and will talk about and question your choices, no matter what they are. And that part isn't your business. Refuse to let it effect you. Do what you know is best for you, and don't worry about anything else. The people who truly love you will stand by you. Those who don't, don't matter. And those who listen to those people aren't worth your time.
I'm glad you said this - because you're absolutely right!
Post by blackkitty on Aug 14, 2012 11:05:16 GMT -5
Just a few thoughts to add: - By including this other man in your thoughts you are avoiding the real issue(s). The issue is you and your husband. That is where your focus needs to be. This other man is not a part of the problem, nor is he part of the solution. He is a DISTRACTION from your life. Nothing else. - Ask yourself is the problem really your marriage? Or is there something else in your life that is going on, that you think a divorce will "fix"? Is there a hole in your life that you are trying to fill? Is the problem really your marriage? (These are more questions you need to think on and not necessarily answer)
Post by phoenixrising on Aug 14, 2012 11:07:40 GMT -5
I couldn't necessarily picture myself alone, but I could imagine something better than what I was in, and that is what helped. It also helped that once I got up some momentum, I went with it.
Now that I am out on my own, I do have to say that I miss that feeling of having someone to come home to and that feeling of belonging "to" someone, but when my therapist asked me what I miss about my H, I was not able to come up with a single thing. It made me kind of sad.
The main thing that sticks out to me here is, you are admitting you haven't given it 100%. Ask yourself this, are you willing to give up on everything, knowing in your heart that you didn't give it your all before throwing in the towel?
To me that was the biggest question and I knew that the answer was yes. I HAD given my marriage everything I had, and it wasn't enough to salvage it. I understand my circumstances were FAR different than yours, but in some ways it's all relative. My biggest thing was I never wanted to look at my child and wonder if I could've made our family work for him. I know there was no saving our marriage and we could never and would never be a family. And because of that, I had peace with my decision.
Maybe that's why you are struggling so much with this.
Honestly, all of these things sound like you've just grown apart over time, and they seem like things that COULD be worked on. There must have been commonalities that brought you together in the beginning. What were they?
How much effort have you put into all of this? Have you tried sending your daughter to grandma's house, getting some racy lingerie and a pair of stilettos and meeting him at the door? How about planning a romantic getaway for the weekend to reconnect?
I worry that the other person you have feelings for is making it much easier to pick your husband apart and is making you less apt to really work on things. It seems like you are simply going through the motions but you really already have one foot out the door. That's why it's SO important to cut things off with the other person.
Also, how long have you been married?
I agree with this...but maybe instead of jumping into sex, why not try an activity that is new to both of you....not a you thing, not a him thing. That way you're both trying something new together and can have that experience to build off of.
:Y: I like Doris's suggestion. I've seen stories that trying new things and having new experiences together as a couple re-creates that feeling of newness when you first got together, and can be very useful for keeping things fresh and rekindling the feelings that were there in the beginning. BF and I got a Living Social deal to try glass blowing sometime this fall, for example. Take an art class or a cooking class or a dance class or whatever!
That being said, it sounds like you have no desire to try to save your marriage, given that you guys didn't follow up with counseling suggestions. And that's ok. Just recognize it for what it is, admit it to yourself, and proceed with the divorce. You have three options, as I see it: 1) start actually putting effort into your marriage, which may or may not save it, 2) let it languish while you continue to be unhappy and do nothing about it until you're both miserable, bitter, and can't stand each other, or 3) decide that you're done, divorce, and take time to heal, realizing that you need to get to a place where you're happy being by yourself, in case you never meet anyone else.
Post by blackkitty on Aug 14, 2012 11:13:07 GMT -5
I'd also just like to comment on the word "ALONE" because this is something that I did to myself when I first moved out.
You don't have to be "alone" Not having a spouse doesn't make you alone in the world without anyone. I'm assuming you have friends, you have family, you have co-workers. You're probably a part of organizations in your community or have other ways people are in your life and care about you. None of us need to become a hermit once we separate. You don't have to punish yourself and sit in your house and say... "I chose this, and now I have to be alone".
The main thing that sticks out to me here is, you are admitting you haven't given it 100%. Ask yourself this, are you willing to give up on everything, knowing in your heart that you didn't give it your all before throwing in the towel?
To me that was the biggest question and I knew that the answer was yes. I HAD given my marriage everything I had, and it wasn't enough to salvage it. I understand my circumstances were FAR different than yours, but in some ways it's all relative. My biggest thing was I never wanted to look at my child and wonder if I could've made our family work for him. I know there was no saving our marriage and we could never and would never be a family. And because of that, I had peace with my decision.
Maybe that's why you are struggling so much with this.
And I think you hit the nail on the head here. I never want to walk away saying I didn't try, and if I did walk away right now, I know I can't honetly say that I gave it my all. Maybe I'll mention therapy one more time, just to see how it goes. Given everything it won't hurt to try one more time.
But then I read through all of this and realize that once again, within a matter of a couple of hours, I've gone from thinking of a separation, to thinking of counseling.
I'm so sick of this back and fourth - living in this gray area. I can't do it anymore.
Post by turtle1120 on Aug 14, 2012 11:15:17 GMT -5
When my relationship was falling apart, I did think about and fantasize about having a fulfilling and happy relationship - although I didn't have anyone specific in mind. I wasn't dreaming of being on my own and being happy even though I did know that I would be on my own.
Since the dust has settled and DD and I have settled into a life with us on our own, I am very happy and I don't long for someone else to make me happy like I used to. I think when you have a child, it's only natural to picture yourself with someone else in a family setting because that's what you're used to, and that's what you set out to do when you had a child. I guess you just need to ask yourself if you could picture yourself being happy alone with your DD? Would you feel more at peace not trying to force a marriage to work which you've seemingly already checked out of?
For me, it's so much more peaceful now without my Ex around. There is no arguing or conflict at home. Yes, being a single parent is tough at times but I'm not actively looking for someone to fill the role of husband/father anymore.
I'd also just like to comment on the word "ALONE" because this is something that I did to myself when I first moved out.
You don't have to be "alone" Not having a spouse doesn't make you alone in the world without anyone. I'm assuming you have friends, you have family, you have co-workers. You're probably a part of organizations in your community or have other ways people are in your life and care about you. None of us need to become a hermit once we separate. You don't have to punish yourself and sit in your house and say... "I chose this, and now I have to be alone".
Between my family and friends (some of who know what is going on) I have a very good support system.
I'd also just like to comment on the word "ALONE" because this is something that I did to myself when I first moved out.
You don't have to be "alone" Not having a spouse doesn't make you alone in the world without anyone. I'm assuming you have friends, you have family, you have co-workers. You're probably a part of organizations in your community or have other ways people are in your life and care about you. None of us need to become a hermit once we separate. You don't have to punish yourself and sit in your house and say... "I chose this, and now I have to be alone".
I really like this....and I agree, while I don't have a man to share a bed with at night, I am far from alone in life!
I agree with this...but maybe instead of jumping into sex, why not try an activity that is new to both of you....not a you thing, not a him thing. That way you're both trying something new together and can have that experience to build off of.
I like Doris's suggestion. I've seen stories that trying new things and having new experiences together as a couple re-creates that feeling of newness when you first got together, and can be very useful for keeping things fresh and rekindling the feelings that were there in the beginning. BF and I got a Living Social deal to try glass blowing sometime this fall, for example. Take an art class or a cooking class or a dance class or whatever!
That being said, it sounds like you have no desire to try to save your marriage, given that you guys didn't follow up with counseling suggestions. And that's ok. Just recognize it for what it is, admit it to yourself, and proceed with the divorce. You have three options, as I see it: 1) start actually putting effort into your marriage, which may or may not save it, 2) let it languish while you continue to be unhappy and do nothing about it until you're both miserable, bitter, and can't stand each other, or 3) decide that you're done, divorce, and take time to heal, realizing that you need to get to a place where you're happy being by yourself, in case you never meet anyone else.
Your pick.
I guess I feel like I should have this burning desire to hold on and fix things, and I don't. I never really have. Like I said - I wanted to try, but only a little bit. I have never had a strong drive to fix it because I couldn't see my life without him.
The main thing that sticks out to me here is, you are admitting you haven't given it 100%. Ask yourself this, are you willing to give up on everything, knowing in your heart that you didn't give it your all before throwing in the towel?
To me that was the biggest question and I knew that the answer was yes. I HAD given my marriage everything I had, and it wasn't enough to salvage it. I understand my circumstances were FAR different than yours, but in some ways it's all relative. My biggest thing was I never wanted to look at my child and wonder if I could've made our family work for him. I know there was no saving our marriage and we could never and would never be a family. And because of that, I had peace with my decision.
Maybe that's why you are struggling so much with this.
And I think you hit the nail on the head here. I never want to walk away saying I didn't try, and if I did walk away right now, I know I can't honetly say that I gave it my all. Maybe I'll mention therapy one more time, just to see how it goes. Given everything it won't hurt to try one more time.
But then I read through all of this and realize that once again, within a matter of a couple of hours, I've gone from thinking of a separation, to thinking of counseling.
I'm so sick of this back and fourth - living in this gray area. I can't do it anymore.
Although I should say too this has been a constant pattern for me - I get to the point where I'm done - and then I get scared or whatever and I revert and think, OK, let's give it one more try. Then I get out again - fix it again - out again - fix it again. I feel like it's just been a huge cycle.
Although I should say too this has been a constant pattern for me - I get to the point where I'm done - and then I get scared or whatever and I revert and think, OK, let's give it one more try. Then I get out again - fix it again - out again - fix it again. I feel like it's just been a huge cycle.
But you have said yourself that you didn't really try. If your marriage is something that you want then you need to put in an honest effort. If not, then your energy would be better spent on yourself and taking the next steps.
I've read everything I think but I didn't see anything about this other guy you have feelings for. Does he know? Are they mutual? Is that what is making your judgement cloudy or is it just the fantasy of what could be?
I am not a big advocate of divorce. Like you, I took my vows very seriously and I believe this falls under good times and in bad. I believe that you have to give it everything before you file. But I also know the reality that sometimes it can't be fixed. I had a lot of complications which made divorce the easiest things for EH and I to do. None I really want to get into on a public message board but had it not been for these issues, I most likely would still be married. Not always happily married but married nonetheless. I don't think anyone's marriage is all passion and roses and romance and cuddling. Life gets in the way of all of that. It is what you choose it to be. There is no knowing that if you did divorce and meet someone else, your life would be the white, picket fence perfection you dream up in your head.
I've read everything I think but I didn't see anything about this other guy you have feelings for. Does he know? Are they mutual? Is that what is making your judgement cloudy or is it just the fantasy of what could be?
I am not a big advocate of divorce. Like you, I took my vows very seriously and I believe this falls under good times and in bad. I believe that you have to give it everything before you file. But I also know the reality that sometimes it can't be fixed. I had a lot of complications which made divorce the easiest things for EH and I to do. None I really want to get into on a public message board but had it not been for these issues, I most likely would still be married. Not always happily married but married nonetheless. I don't think anyone's marriage is all passion and roses and romance and cuddling. Life gets in the way of all of that. It is what you choose it to be. There is no knowing that if you did divorce and meet someone else, your life would be the white, picket fence perfection you dream up in your head.
I don't think he knows, and I'm honestly not sure if the feelings are mutual or not. He himself just got divorced about 6 months ago.
This entire thread has caused me to take a step back - in a positive way - and really evaluate my situation. And...It has made me realize that although I like my therapist, I think I need a new one. I've been seeing mine for 6 months now and although I've told her a lot of what I've said here - some of the deeper stuff behind it hasn't come out. I need someone that can help me get to the root of my feelings, not just talk about them on the surface level.
I believe most marital problems can be worked out and most issues can be solved if you really want to address them and make the marriage work. You need the motivation and commitment though. If one person isn't on board, whether the problems are small or big, the marriage is not going to last.
My ExH and I had problems from the start and he threw major curve balls, yet we still lasted four years and honestly I could have stayed married forever. I think most of our problems were solveable and bearable (eh). Except for the fact that we both had our feet in and out the door. A marriage can't last like that.
To me, it seems the commitment and motivation is lacking and I'm not sure there is a fix for that. You have to decide if you are in or if you are out. If you are out, get out now before you make things worse for yourself and him.
I know some people on here are telling you to make it work and keep at it but honestly IMO if the commitment isn't there, staying in is only going to get you into more trouble and make both of you miserable. The last thing you want to happen is to have your thoughts turn into legit affairs. I only see this getting bigger and bigger.
Aliciar6 - Google this verse: Proverbs 4:23 - I've seen it twice in 2 days. I think God is telling me to remove the bad things from my- in this case lust. I honestly don't know what He is telling me when it comes to DH and I - but I think it's saying I need to remove the thoughts of this other guy first.
i guess i read it more as "guard" like it shows up...as in protect, but i did see something, i'll PM it to you, which i think does really explain it pretty well.....but i do agree trying to remove thoughts of this other guy are necessary to clear your head.
he may look good, like he has great potential, but he could be a disaster in a relationship.
it maybe His way of telling you, this guy isn't for you, as alike as you are, as fascinating as fantasizing about his is, he's a distraction to your figuring out what you need to do.
Yeah I'm going to reiterate this: Do not end the marriage because you think this guy could be better for you. It's not true. Seriously, I would assume there is not a better guy out there just so that thought won't cloud your judgement.
Every guy has issues, every marriage has issues. The "perfect" guy will not be perfect. It is not possible. It most likely will not work out. Get it out of your head. Now. I say this with care.
I agree with Jade. It sounds like you are giving up on your marriage for an idea of what marriage should be because of what pop culture tells us. Life isn't a Nicholas Sparks movie. It takes a lot of work to make a marriage successful.
And this guy you are fantasizing about is just that...a fantasy. Run away from that idea and face the reality that your DH is still there and willing to work on it.
i went back and forth in my first marriage since before it started so about 4 years. i didn't want to go through with it 3 months before, but got convinced it was just "jitters and everyone gets them" and it was a destination wedding i felt really guilty if i canceled and other people had non-refundable trips...and who knows maybe i was wrong and we'd be fine.
i tried for the most part to make things work, i'd try talking to him, but his response was "i don't want to deal with your *bleep*"...he refused counseling as well...so i took solice in friends, going out, being away for Army stuff, TDY for work, looking forward to vacations by myself or with the girls...anything so i didn't have to see him...we didn't have much of anything in common either.
we'd talk and we'd say "this is what i need" and we would try for a good week or 2 but it never lasted and we'd be back in the same spot again.
i thought all relationships were like this and this was as good as i was going to get. i thought the women who said "i hate it when my H is gone" were lying and also when they talked about how awesome their sex life was...i hated mine with him...like you it wasn't my libido, i just didn't want him.
i thought buying him a house would make him happy and we'd be able to work on things together and the projects might bring us closer together...no such luck.
it really took seeing a very good friend and his wife together, who had been married 20 years to realize that "holy heck, not all marriages are passionless and miserable" i spent a lot of time talking to both of them together and individually and when i made up my mind i also talked to them about it as well kind of as a sanity check. they had their trials and ups and downs, but they had a bond and a chemistry that was so radiant you were blinded by it.
when i told my friends what i wanted to do, i was surprised by the overwhelming support from them and most of them had told me in the beginning not to marry him. I think another key thing telling to leave was when my best friend got divorced a year before i did (she went through over a year of back and forth as well), i was jealous and wished it was me. i wished i had the courage to end things...it took another year from that point to finally do it. I'm still working on why it took me so long to get that courage. (i think in part he had me so beat down, that didn't help me any)
i wasn't bothered by the thought of being alone, i knew that in the past i loved being alone, and as a huge bonus i'd get my cat, Fireblade, back. i was just convinced that "there probably isn't better out there"
i got married for the wrong reasons, i'm glad i'm out, because when i look back i get angry with myself for staying with such a jerk for so long, like what happened to that strong woman i was, why did i put up with that? (that isn't the case for you though,you say he's a nice guy, mine wasn't very nice)
i wanted to know i did everything i could, but while i can do everything i can, if he won't participate, then it's like an exercise in futility.
If you really feel in your heart that you aren't going to end up following through on the post counseling "homework" or both of you aren't 100% into seeing if you can make it work, i think you will be stuck in limbo forever. But the other guy has to be out of your mind in order to really try...he's distracting you, which you already know.
it's hard because you don't want to hurt him, you don't want to regret a decision, you don't want to think you just gave up with out trying...but how long do you live like this to prove to yourself that "i'm giving it my all or i don't have what it takes to give it my all" because if you don't have what it takes to give it your all and you don't really want to...i'd have to say that's a glaring answer right there....