Post by formerlyak on Aug 14, 2012 15:22:39 GMT -5
I'm chiming in late, but you sound a lot like my ex. When we split it came out in our last ditch effort for counseling that he thought a married couple should always be happy and lovey dovey and that was the norm all the time. When we would go through harder things (death of a family member, miscarriage, things like that), he'd think something was "wrong" with us because I wasn't 100% happy 100% of the time. So he started daydreaming about other women he knew. Eventually, he ended up having an affair with one of those women and we divorced because of it.
Like you, our early interactions ... the things that brought us together ... were group things. Except for the theatre we did, we didn't have any common interests really. And over time, it became evident that we wanted different things. It sounds like you and your dh are at that point, but neither of you wants to pull the trigger. We went through that, and all it did was make us both miserable and he became verbally abusive because of it. Then our ds, who was 3 at the time, started to notice that daddy was always a bitch to mommy and started yelling at his dad to stop talking to me that way. I'm not saying I was never a bitch back, I am saying that I didn't do it in front of my ds.
I really feared being alone when ex finally pulled the trigger and asked for a divorce. I didn't know how I could do it all myself. My bff gave me the best advice -- she said to stop thinking about the hard parts and start thinking about all the things I would now be able to do. When I started looking at it that way, being "alone" was less scary and more exciting because there were plenty of things I didn't do when I was married because ex just didn't want me to.
I am about 3 years out from the day ex didn't come home from work and then told me he wanted a divorce. I am going into my last year of my MBA program (something ex didn't want me to do because he didn't have a degree and me getting a terminal degree made him feel less of a man). I am in a much better financial position than I was with ex, and I did that all myself. I don't get alimony or child support. I dated a bit -- lots of first dates. Then I met an amazing man who I am marrying next summer. I can honestly say that I am much happier in this relationship than I ever imagined I would be. But, I had to do stuff for myself first before I could find that.
Post by usedtobebear on Aug 14, 2012 15:36:07 GMT -5
This is a great thread! You are receiving a lot of good advice, I have read almost all of the responses and want to share my story with you.
My 10 year wedding anniversay is in September, I'm currently in the process of getting divorced. A lot of what you describe is how I felt in my marriage for years, especially the intimacy issues. I would dread when my DH would come onto me and it was always an issue. We never kissed, I was bored and mentioned several times throughout my marriage that I was unhappy and just over it. But, I refused to get divorced, I just always said I can't leave him, he's my family, he needs me, etc..
So, about 5 years ago I met a guy one night, he was like a dream for me, it's a long story, but I was really close to having an affair. I realized that this wouldn't solve my problems and I immediately found a counselor. (Same counselor I see now 5 years later). My dh and I would see her individually and then we would see her together. I shit you not I thought of this other guy for like 2 years. He would show up in my dreams all the time and I only hung out with him ONE night and it was with a group of people and then he tried to get me to go home with him. Anyway, my point is I couldn't stop thinking about him for a long time. It was a nice distraction actually and I loved just day dreaming and fantasizing over him.
Anyway, ... here I am 5 years out from that situation and I'm just finally getting the courage to get a divorce. I have known for years that I was not happy being married and DH and I weren't compatible. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to leave him and it's mostly becasue he turned unstable and gave me no choice. Which in way I am grateful as it takes a lot of courage to walk away from a marriage.
I guess my advice is don't turn out like me and be in limbo for 5 more years. From everything you have said it seems clear to me that you will be happier not being married to your DH. I always dismissed my lack of intimacy or desire for my DH and kind of had the fake it til you make it attitude. I wish I would have paid more attention to that and realized it's not normal to completely dread being intimate with your DH, it's not a happy life to live.
I don't have children and I'm not religous so those are two things that you have to consider that I didn't.
I wish you all the best, it's not an easy spot to be in! ((HUGS))