Oh we were totally WTF too, but I guess "not invited" is a more accurate phrasing. I don't know why she felt the need to go out of her way to make that clear since he responded for only himself.
And the kicker? She tried to bring a random +1 to our wedding, claiming I had written "and guest" on her invite (she and her H were separated by then), which I totally hadn't because The Knot taught me better than that.
She was crazycakes.
Wow. Just wow. We're they friends since grade/high school or something? I suspect a crush...and subsequent drop off the deep end.
Eta: I see from your latter post that it was a former FWB thing going on. The fremdschämen is strong. lol
My total guess is that it was either a crush or FWB. Either way, I don't want to know!
I'm wtf'ing all over the place at this post. UNinvited? What?! Omg, I just can't at this rudeness. I'd rather be hung by my fingernails for a week straight than uninvite someone. Well unless they killed my dog or something completely heinous. That would probably warrant an uninvite.
Oh we were totally WTF too, but I guess "not invited" is a more accurate phrasing. I don't know why she felt the need to go out of her way to make that clear since he responded for only himself.
And the kicker? She tried to bring a random +1 to our wedding, claiming I had written "and guest" on her invite (she and her H were separated by then), which I totally hadn't because The Knot taught me better than that.
elleblue I would never. My comment about crashing was TIC too lol
I'll let BF go and people can ask him why I'm not there
No, I get you. I figured that was the case.
I would talk to your bf though, it's something that bothers you and seems to happen repeatedly. If you guys are serious about your relationship, you're a pair, which means you both should be invited to functions, as a pair.
For example, let's take a company party. If the company holds a party and invites only employees, no spouses or significant others, ok fine, it's for employees only, not their partners. If the company invites employees and spouses, ok, they aren't extending that to non-legally recognized partners. If a company invited spouses and some significant others but not every significant other of the invited employees, I think most people would be wtf about it.
If no one is getting a +1 and no non-spouses are invited, then ok. They're a bit rude but at least they're consistent.
Oh we were totally WTF too, but I guess "not invited" is a more accurate phrasing. I don't know why she felt the need to go out of her way to make that clear since he responded for only himself.
And the kicker? She tried to bring a random +1 to our wedding, claiming I had written "and guest" on her invite (she and her H were separated by then), which I totally hadn't because The Knot taught me better than that.
She was crazycakes.
why did you invite her to your wedding?
Because, and I can say this since I've hung out with her in person on several occasions, starlily is gracious and would never dream of being rude just to get back at someone. Sometimes being the bigger person is the greatest "revenge".
As an aside, we got a wedding gift and on the card it said "to Michael and Sarah" and Sarah was crossed out and "Jennifer" written underneath it. From DH's very sweet aunt. Lol
LOLOLOLOL!!!!
Awkward.
So, who is Sarah?
That was the strangest part, it was just a totally random name! It was an aunt that I hadn't met. When I eventually met her she was just a nice older lady.
DH's longterm high school girlfriend was also a blonde named Jenny. His far flung relatives will say stuff like "oh yes we did meet you before, at the reunion in 1996" and I'm like "nope...different person" lol
Because, and I can say this since I've hung out with her in person on several occasions, starlily is gracious and would never dream of being rude just to get back at someone. Sometimes being the bigger person is the greatest "revenge".
I was very close to rescinding her invite, but settled for my BFF's husband being assigned to keeping her the fuck away from me on our actual wedding day. lol It was less about being the bigger person towards her, and more about not making things awkward for her brother and cousin, both of whom are close to H and were also invited to our wedding. They were all traveling together, so disinviting her the week before wouldn't have gone unnoticed. She wasn't worth that kind of drama.
Post by sofamonkey on May 24, 2015 23:59:27 GMT -5
I don't think shy/social awkwardness or BF not wanting to be confrontational is a a good enough justification for this pattern of behavior. Sure, this couple could be particular. Fine. 3 weddings though? Nah. Pattern. And your lack of wanting to discuss it is just laying the foundation for a lifetime of being treated like crap. Just suck it up and talk about this. It will be awkward for both of you but you should be able to discuss feelings and wants/needs.
Post by fivechickens on May 25, 2015 9:33:32 GMT -5
I have been in a relationship like the one you are in (including living together). Bottom line is, he should be including you in everything and making it known that you two are a couple. If you are not, then he should not be attending those events. Obviously, not all events need to be attended by both of you, he can and should hang out with his friends without you but this seems to happen everytime there is something going on outside of your house. THREE weddings? No. One wedding? Sure, the couple could be on a budget. My MIL is invited to her nephews wedding but my FIL is not (only siblings of the mother of the bride are invited) because of budget.
My first thought is he is not as into the relationship as you are, if he was he would want you to be included and be saying so to his friends. He doesn't appear to be on your side.
His friends are also jerks and I am not sure I would want to be with someone who would keep those people as friends.
My first thought is he is not as into the relationship as you are, if he was he would want you to be included and be saying so to his friends. He doesn't appear to be on your side.
His friends are also jerks and I am not sure I would want to be with someone who would keep those people as friends.
Oh BROTHER.
His friends are rude. So the next logical conclusion is that her BF doesn't want a relationship with her? Lol.
Yeah, this is why a TALK needs to happen first. The BF may really be clueless. And for the fact that the OP isn't TELLING HIM "Hey, this bothers me", this partially falls into the camp of "he can't read your mind". Right now, he thinks it doesn't bother her and that she doesn't even want to go, so win-win that she wasn't invited.
Heck, clearly in some people's worlds (like Miso), this really would be totally cool! Her BF may think she's Miso.
Now, if she talks to him about this and how it upsets her, if he expresses no care or concern and/or tells her "Oh well- deal with it.", THEN maybe it's a bigger issue of him not really being into the relationship.
But I think he needs to be given a chance to demonstrate where he falls. It might be, if she talks to him, that he says "Oh shit, you're right. O.k - this isn't cool." and then does something about it (whatever that may be- speaks up to his friends, skips the wedding, stops hanging out with them, or... whatever, but SOMETHING).
But she needs to communicate with him on this before it becomes a bigger issue.
I'm quick to play the "cool GF." Defense mechanism for sure. Something I need to work on because I just get resentful and miserable.
As I was drying my hair, I was thinking about your post more. We're all being pretty quick to call his friends jerks. And maybe they are - not taking that out of the equation.
But another aspect of this is you admit you feel awkward around them, feel that you have a hard time having a conversation (although, asking people about themselves is often perfect!), etc. They may very well realize that you feel uncomfortable, your BF may pick up on it also, and then you tell your BF "Eh, I didn't want to go anyhow".
Just from a devil's advocate position - this could also be them (including your BF) thinking YOU don't like them and that YOU don't want to hang out with them. I don't feel that excuses them not inviting you to weddings, but at the same time, a passing comment from your BF could lead to them thinking that you dont' WANT to be invited. People read into stuff - it may not take much for them to feel you're the one who isn't interested.
NOT pointing blame at you at ALL - just trying to put out another perspective.
Or if this isn't what's going on YET- if you keep up the "eh, I don't care" attitude, it will absolutely lead to at least your BF thinking that you don't like his friends and don't want to be around them.
Ultimately - good luck. I hope you find a way to talk to him about this and I hope he's receptive to it.
I'm quick to play the "cool GF." Defense mechanism for sure. Something I need to work on because I just get resentful and miserable.
As I was drying my hair, I was thinking about your post more. We're all being pretty quick to call his friends jerks. And maybe they are - not taking that out of the equation.
But another aspect of this is you admit you feel awkward around them, feel that you have a hard time having a conversation (although, asking people about themselves is often perfect!), etc. They may very well realize that you feel uncomfortable, your BF may pick up on it also, and then you tell your BF "Eh, I didn't want to go anyhow".
Just from a devil's advocate position - this could also be them (including your BF) thinking YOU don't like them and that YOU don't want to hang out with them. I don't feel that excuses them not inviting you to weddings, but at the same time, a passing comment from your BF could lead to them thinking that you dont' WANT to be invited. People read into stuff - it may not take much for them to feel you're the one who isn't interested.
NOT pointing blame at you at ALL - just trying to put out another perspective.
Or if this isn't what's going on YET- if you keep up the "eh, I don't care" attitude, it will absolutely lead to at least your BF thinking that you don't like his friends and don't want to be around them.
Ultimately - good luck. I hope you find a way to talk to him about this and I hope he's receptive to it.
I've thought about this and that could totally be it. On top of that, I have epic Bitch Face. LOL, not really sure what can be done about that? I try to smile a lot, but if I'm not smiling I've been told I look like a smug bitch (by my BFF! And she is totally right)
On top of that, I have epic Bitch Face. LOL, not really sure what can be done about that? I try to smile a lot, but if I'm not smiling I've been told I look like a smug bitch (by my BFF! And she is totally right)
Oh no!! All I can suggest is yes- definitely try to smile, but if you also verbally respond as someone is talking, that can help. "Oh really?! That's interesting/ funny/ sad" then throw in another question. Looking at them and giving eye contact helps. Trust.
I have a neighbor who has resting bitch face and when I talk to him, he also tends to look off somewhere else. In the end, I know he's listening- he responds as such. But between the look on his face and that he doesn't look AT me, it's kind of off-putting.
Also, why are people so interested in attending the festivities of people they don't even know?
I am not. A whole night of small talk and forced interaction with strangers? No, thanks. Thank you for not inviting me, so I can go out with friends I do know and like while my boyfriend goes to your event.
Also, why are people so interested in attending the festivities of people they don't even know?
I am not. A whole night of small talk and forced interaction with strangers? No, thanks. Thank you for not inviting me, so I can go out with friends I do know and like while my boyfriend goes to your event.
Take op's story out of it, I would want to get to know my boyfriends friends.
Come on. How well do you get to know people at weddings?
It's a time to celebrate with people you love, not strangers.
If one of my H's friends made a point to not invite me because he/she didn't like me, then I do not consider this person a friend of my marriage, nor a friend of H's. I would NEVER invite a friend and intentionally exclude her SO, unless he was abusive to her or dangerous in some way to me or other guests. So, barring an extreme situation, I think it's extremely rude to do this.
In the case of the OP, I think it's rude that she wasn't invited. My H would choose not to attend if he got an invitation like this, whether we were married or not and whether the friend knew me or not. I'm not getting the impression that it's such a tiny, close-knit wedding that zero SO's are invited. She was the only one excluded, and generally, a live-in partner (whether you met them or not) is invited as well. That's basic invitation etiquette.
Now, if I'm not invited to something, then I have zero interest in going and I wouldn't crash lol. I'm not going where I'm not welcome. But if someone hates my ass to the point where they invite only my H and not me, then they would have to kiss H's friendship goodbye because he wouldn't stand for that. I am polite, quiet, and respectful with all of H's friends, so if someone was petty enough to refuse to even BE IN MY PRESENCE then this jackhole has a major problem they need to figure out.
Come on. How well do you get to know people at weddings? Let It's a time to celebrate with people you love, not strangers.
I get drunk, we'd be bffs by the end of the night, you barely see the bride and groom, but you do see the people at your table a lot.
That's great for you, but I, the bride, just sacrificed a precious seat for you, stranger, in lieu of somebody I know and like. I'm not that magnanimous.
You always come across here like a very gracious host. Now I'm picturing a long line of sad faces looking in from outside the windows at misotiny's recent party.
Hahaha. I think I'm an ok host for people I know and like.
But I don't put out effort for strangers or folks I dislike. Why bother?
Re one mate declining an invite when the other is not invited, I guess we are just not a very united front.
We both have some friends who are not friends of both of us. We do not prohibit or end said friendships because of purported exclusionary event invitations.
I understand this is important to many people. It's not to us.