Like many first-born children, I am pretty much every clichéd stereotype in the book — independent, ambitious, driven, organized, a doer and a planner, a lover of lists, and someone who thrives on making accomplishments and reaching them.
When I interviewed Dr. Kevin Leman, author of The Birth Order book, he had me pegged as a first-born within seconds of talking to him.
“How did you know?” I asked, breathless, like a wide-eyed child at the feet of a great storyteller.
“It’s pretty simple,” he quipped matter-of-factly. “You’re a writer. A lot of writers are first-borns because they crave that instant validation, those ‘gold stars’ from their editors.”
Oh. Ahem.
As transparent as I may be, as a first-born, I’m in pretty good company alongside fellow first-born overachievers such as Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Sheryl Sandberg, J.K. Rowling, and Beyoncé.
And joining me in the ranks of the first-born?
My oldest daughter.
After my second daughter was born, two years and days after her big sister arrived on the scene, my husband and I encountered the common scenario of suddenly feeling like our oldest had grown up overnight.
One day our baby, the next a proud big sister, I wasted no time in getting her started on potty-training, enlisting her help to fetch me diapers and wipes for blowouts, and training her to sleep through the night in her new big girl bed. In my eyes, she was a “big girl” and she acted like such a mature, thoughtful, and smart kid that I forgot one crucial piece of information —
She wasn’t nearly as old as I thought.
Looking back, I want to weep at how much expectation I heaped upon my little girl, who for all intents and purposes was still a baby. She was two, for heaven’s sake. What was I thinking?
I know that parents learn as they go and that many parents will understand what it’s like to look back and have those kind of heart-wrenching regrets that make you want to peel back time and just scoop your kid up in a big hug and say, “I’m so, so sorry,” so I’m not (completely) unafraid to confess my shortcomings to you.
But I do hope you will take it from me and not treat your oldest child so much differently.
In a strange melding of time and space, it’s like history repeats itself. I saw my parents not batting an eye when I brought home a 4.0 year after year, expecting me to always keep my younger family members in line, knowing that I would be the responsible kid always. Now I watch myself doing the same thing to my daughter.
I’m the one who had to tell her to calm the heck down when she wanted to practice her spelling words every day over Christmas break.
I’m the one who is quick to admonish her when a fight erupts amongst my brood of four. How many times have the words, “They’re just little! I expect you to know better,” left my mouth?
I’m the one who nods when she brings home yet another perfect grade, nonchalantly hanging it on the fridge while I praise the four-year-old’s scribbles because she is the middle child and we all know what issues they have.
It’s so hard, isn’t it? I know that I’m grateful to have whatever treatment or genes that shaped me into the person I am, but as a first-born, I also know how exhausting it can be to feel some kind of pressure on yourself — to always be the best, always keep excelling, always moving on to the next thing, and never truly finding that satisfaction of a job well-done within yourself, where it counts the most.
I want my daughter to be her own person, to be the kind of woman who chooses what’s important to her and if she wants to be President, she does so because she wants to, not just because she’s a first-born over-achiever. I want her to just be her, birth order aside, if such a thing is even possible.
In many ways, I know that it’s an inevitable blending of genetics, birth order, and personality that is shaping my daughter right now and obviously there is some kind of truth to how parents raise first-borns that helps them be “successful” (depending on your view of success, of course), but every day I fight a battle with myself over how I parent my fearless firstborn leader.
Because while I want her to enjoy all of the good that comes with being a first-born, I also want something very simple for the years of childhood that she has left:
I've been struggling with this lately. Part of my problem is that I'm not sure what DS1 is supposed to be capable of at this age because I've never had a 4.5yo before. The other part is that he thinks it's funny to mimick DS2's behavior, particularly his one-word sentences, so I'm constantly telling him to speak or act like a big boy instead of whining at me the same word over and over.
Ehh. I don't think that being an overachiever is so bad LOL. Maybe it's different for me because I was five when my sister was born, so I was sort of "grown up" already.
I tell my only child to watch the little ones all the time - you do see other kids out in the world. Even when you are an only or the youngest. My sister and I are 18 mths apart and I don't think this was the dynamic. She definitely took care of me but now she is a nurse so maybe it was her nature more than any pressure from our parents. I think some older kids thrive as an older child and grow up faster (whatever that means) and other older children remain little longer because they are 'drawn' down to their younger sibling Basically I think this article is stupid.
Dh and I were just talking about how grown up Ds seems but then something like the projector on his sound machine calms him down and it smacks us in the face how little he still is. I'm sure it will only get worse once the baby comes. I know I struggle with what to expect from him. On one hand, he's almost three but on the other, he's only two! I don't know how to put it into words really.
I am totally a first born child and DS1 seems to be on track to have all the similar "first born traits". But I guess I don't see it as that much of a bad thing. We definitely encourage him to just relax and play a lot (especially when he gets all worked up about his little brother not playing the "right" way with him.
But I honestly think we struggle more with DS2. Since he's just 1.5 years younger than DS1 and sooooo verbal it's hard sometimes not to expect him to be as capable and far along developmentally as his older brother. Even though they play so we'll together and pretty much seem like peers, we have to work hard on reminding ourselves that's he's not quite 3 years old yet and can't always be parented/treated the same as the 4.5 year old.
I try to be cognizant of this with DS1. For example I noticed that I was always telling DS1 to stop bothering the baby, but when the baby bothered DS1 I would say "oh let him play too, he's just a baby." Definitely not fair to DS1. So now I'm being more fair and pulling the baby away if he's not welcome in DS1's play.
But some of this article is silly navel gazing. Being the oldest/having my personality has been a huge asset in my life. My parents were pretty hard on me but I think a lot of that had to do with my defiant personality and their inability to let stuff go. I try not to parent any of my kids that way. As long as you are kind, firm, and fair to ALL of your kids I don't think you're going to screw them up.
how nice of her to praise her four year olds paltry scribbles too. I mean, that poor kid doesn't have a hope being the middle child. Dumb as a stump and destined for mediocrity, all due to his unfortunate birth order. A travesty
I'm an oldest. My dad was an oldest and held me to very high standards especially around caring for my younger sister. It was as if I was supposed to carry the flag for first-borns. My mother was the baby of nine and acted as a mitigating force. She was often frustrated by how manipulative my younger sister could be.
DH is the quintessential middle child who thrives with the merest attention.
how nice of her to praise her four year olds paltry scribbles too. I mean, that poor kid doesn't have a hope being the middle child. Dumb as a stump and destined for mediocrity, all due to his unfortunate birth order. A travesty
I noticed that too. Awkward. I'm also curious how far apart her kids are.
Post by WillabyWallabyWu on Jul 7, 2015 8:58:09 GMT -5
Eh. I'm a middle child with no middle child issues. I'm definitely more like the stereotypical first born, and my older brother definitely is not. I don't put much credence into the birth order stuff.
I try to be cognizant of this with DS1. For example I noticed that I was always telling DS1 to stop bothering the baby, but when the baby bothered DS1 I would say "oh let him play too, he's just a baby." Definitely not fair to DS1. So now I'm being more fair and pulling the baby away if he's not welcome in DS1's play.
I do the same thing. To be fair, the older child is capable of being more cognizant of the baby than vice-versa. But I do feel bad that its always on the older kid to be good.
I also hate that I spend SO MUCH more time with teh baby by nature of how needy she is.
I find birth order stuff fascinating. DH and I are classic first borns and I have such a little experiment going with my three being so close and young right now. The stereotypes are real ime!
I do feel a tinge every now and then when I look at my "baby" now that he's almost two. He's still so little to me but up until him, I've had a younger baby by the time I have one his age.
When I really feel guilt is when I enjoy the younger ones baby and younger stages now and remember back to feeling overwhelmed at this age with my older ones. I realize now how easy the earlier stages are to a degree. And realizing that the "hard" four year old I have now will have her challenges at seven, when I'm enjoying the baby at four. Poor oldest child.
And don't get me started on my middle one. He's told to hurry up, keep up with the older one.. And a moment later, slow down, be gentle with the baby all. day. long. He's my tender heart too. I find my mama bear comes out the most with him.
Basically, I feel guilty for one reason or another all day long lol, but try and remember that all of it is beneficial to each one long term. They'll all be stronger in different areas based on how their childhood challenges them.
I don't want to BREAK my son, but really, my goal for him is for him to be a functional adult, not to "be little" as long as possible. I don't think he's suffering for being the oldest and having to do more than his toddler sister.
I actually think I let DD do things sooner, because all the "stuff" is already in our house and it's not like I can stop her. Also, if I can avoid another 2 years of fucking Dora the Explorer, then let's do that.
I think that author is talking about nothing other than real day-to-day life. Oldest children are often more responsible - been proven over and over. What I was expecting was something more earth-shattering.
I'm the oldest and was forced to grow up WAAAAYYYY too fast. My mother had a life-threatening illness when I was 9 and I had to take care of the house, younger sibling and the like at that age. I never got to be a typical kid/teenager. I'm not bitter about it, and know that it definitely made me the person I am today (driven, great at multi-tasking, ultimate care taker...) - it was just what needed to be done at the time.
Now that I have a 15YO and a 12YO, I'm trying to find the balance between letting them be kids and still teaching them responsibility. When DD was born, DS wanted to help - that was his nature.
Valiant attempt, author, but you missed the mark on this.
Maybe it is the oldest child in my, but this makes me think maybe she should challenge her younger children more.
It doesn't sound like she's tiger morning the oldest or anything. Is she showing signs of anxiety? If not, keep challenging her. Maybe add a few more praises and call it a day.
I think this is the mom's feelings about her babies growing up, not a problem for the kid.
My next sister is only 20 months younger than me and both of us are overachievers. My youngest sister is definitely the baby.
Oh give me a break! I'm so sick of all this crap. You know what? This is life! Someone will always be the older child, some the middle, etc etc. it is total crap to complain about how sad it is for her because you know what? You can't control birth order! There is nothing you can do to change it so shut up about it!
This sis like my brother giving my mom a guilt trip for not having a brother. Seriously, what do you expect her to do about it?
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jul 7, 2015 9:13:16 GMT -5
Yeah, labeling what she's doing as forcing her daughter to grow up too fast is a bit of a stretch.
Kids like to be given roles and stuff to do around the house and it's something all kids should be doing. And potty training and introducing a big girl bed are not uncommon or traumatic at age 2 (except maybe for the parents).
It's not as though she had her 2-year old babysitting, cooking dinner, or doing her taxes.
I thought when I bought her a big girl bed and gave her things the newborn didn't/couldn't have I was making her feel special during a time when I thought she needed to feel special. Apparently I was making her grow up too soon.
But then again, who could possibly expect more from me, I am a second child after all. These types of articles always make me feel like I am doing it all wrong!
Post by carolinagirl831 on Jul 7, 2015 9:21:43 GMT -5
Yes, I see myself guilty of this... but i think it comes naturally with having other children. I'm not sure how to fix it really. I can't have my two year old acting and needing the attention of a newborn.
I would have all of those expectations for my kid, even if she was an only child or the youngest. If your daughter wanted to be President, she wouldn't get there "because she wanted to" and by NOT being an overachiever, regardless of birth order. #tigermom
Some of that stuff she talks about is just...growing up. I mean, was she never going to potty train her oldest if she didn't have a second kid? Did she not praise her oldest's "paltry scribbles" (or whatever she said) when the oldest was four?