Would you date someone with a STD?

[notsocreepylurker]

Poll for those on the app/mobile

No - doesn't matter which one they have
Yes - but only if one of the not serious ones like genital herpes
Yes - doesn't matter which one they have


Brought to you by my most recent match on Match - although he gets props for admitting he has one and being upfront about it.

[cabbagecabbage]

Maybe?

Did this person's profile include that info? Because that leads me to believe it's too fresh in his life and he wouldn't be in a good place about it, like mentioning a messy divorce or other issue in the profile.

That seems like a second date conversation to me. If I really liked him and it was discussed carefully before any nudity, I might.

[sterl724]

I know not everyone is honest/upfront about these things. So I understand it can happen because people are dishonest. But I feel like if someone is careful and takes proper precautions with their own body and health, many cases of STDs could be avoided. For me, I think I wouldnt date someone with an STD more because of the person's behavior/decisions that led to the STD, more than the STD. (Basically - people do lie about stuff, so don't have sex without a condom. If you do want sex without a condom, both go get tested first. I feel like people who are proactive about their sexual health are probably likely to have fewer STDs.)

[underwaterrhymes]

considering 80% of adults who are sexually active have been exposed to HPV at some point and most of them don't even know it, it would have seriously limited my dating options if I had made this a hard and fast rule.

[notsocreepylurker]

He mentioned it during our first phone call after emailing on match for a day or so. I was thrown off by the info (it's genital herpes).

[Deleted]

Is herpes the most serious one? Aren't there some others that can give you cancer and cause blindness?


Like 80% of the population has some form of herpes (cold sores). But I don't know much about genital herpes so maybe there are other factors.


But no, I would not date someone who told me that had a STD I don't think. Although anything is possible. STD's do not mean a person is "dirty". 


Plus, to the person who said it is a testament to how well that person takes care of themselves I kind of side eye you. Because you can contract an STD while using a condom. And you can get herpes on your mouth from kissing someone. Neither of which are someone "not being pro-active of their sexual health".

[luckyval]

They were upfront and honest about it - and I think THAT is a testament to their character.

[BaliHai]

I agree with UWR - if it was something like HPV, that would not be a dealbreaker for me, especially since I already have it. Herpes and above, though, no.

[underwaterrhymes]

I would give him major props for admitting this to you and would not let this be a deterrent if you have stuff in common and like him.

You can explore the relationship and see if you want to take things further with him. There are ways to safely have sex with someone who has herpes without contracting it yourself if you do decide he's someone you like and would like to have sex with.

No judgment if you can't get past that, though. But I did want to say a good friend of mine has herpes and contracted it from someone who wasn't honest with her about his health status. She's gorgeous both inside and out, but it was so hard for her at first because she feared she would never find someone to love her because of it. (She's had many boyfriends since her diagnosis. All of them would have missed out on being with a wonderful person if they had let it deter them.)

[calle28]

Depends on the STD.

[jellymankelly]

Jul 28, 2015 9:08:13 GMT -5 @lazerus24 said:

Plus, to the person who said it is a testament to how well that person takes care of themselves I kind if side eye you. Because you can contract an STD while using a condom. And you can get herpes on your mouth from kissing someone. Neither of which are someone "not being pro-active of their sexual health".

And plenty of married people in a seemingly safe, committed relationship have contracted STDs from a dishonest partner, which has nothing to do with how well they've taken care of themselves. This is why most people go get tested immediately upon finding out their spouse has been unfaithful. I will echo that side eye...

[1confused1]

Yes and I have. He was honest with me about it from the beginning, controlled it with medication and was very good about letting me know if he had an outbreak. We had no issues at all.

[Deleted]

I think I would. If I'm being totally honest, it's only by luck that I didn't catch something back when I was more promiscuous in my early 20's. I made some dumb mistakes that I'd take back if I could, but I was lucky and none of them had lasting effects.

Plus, sometimes people have spouses/SOs that cheat on them and give them an STD and it's not the innocent person's fault.

Truly, I hate using condoms (when I'm in a committed relationship!!!) and it would be a real bummer to have to be careful forever. But for the right person, I don't think that really would be THAT important to me. Certainly not as important as being a good fit for me otherwise.

I also think it's cool that he was upfront about it. That does say something about him IMO.

[whitemerlot]

No.

[SKP82]

Jul 28, 2015 9:02:01 GMT -5 sterl724 said:

I know not everyone is honest/upfront about these things. So I understand it can happen because people are dishonest. But I feel like if someone is careful and takes proper precautions with their own body and health, many cases of STDs could be avoided. For me, I think I wouldnt date someone with an STD more because of the person's behavior/decisions that led to the STD, more than the STD. (Basically - people do lie about stuff, so don't have sex without a condom. If you do want sex without a condom, both go get tested first. I feel like people who are proactive about their sexual health are probably likely to have fewer STDs.)

What? There are several STDs you can get even while using a condom.

[underwaterrhymes]

Jul 28, 2015 9:02:01 GMT -5 sterl724 said:

I know not everyone is honest/upfront about these things. So I understand it can happen because people are dishonest. But I feel like if someone is careful and takes proper precautions with their own body and health, many cases of STDs could be avoided. For me, I think I wouldnt date someone with an STD more because of the person's behavior/decisions that led to the STD, more than the STD. (Basically - people do lie about stuff, so don't have sex without a condom. If you do want sex without a condom, both go get tested first. I feel like people who are proactive about their sexual health are probably likely to have fewer STDs.)

I'm trying to think of a nice way to say this, but I really can't.

This is a terribly ignorant perspective.

[stellas]

If it were treatable and not life threatening. Anything chronic or deadly and I'd be out, though.

[Deleted]

Jul 28, 2015 9:22:40 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

Jul 28, 2015 9:02:01 GMT -5 sterl724 said:

I know not everyone is honest/upfront about these things. So I understand it can happen because people are dishonest. But I feel like if someone is careful and takes proper precautions with their own body and health, many cases of STDs could be avoided. For me, I think I wouldnt date someone with an STD more because of the person's behavior/decisions that led to the STD, more than the STD. (Basically - people do lie about stuff, so don't have sex without a condom. If you do want sex without a condom, both go get tested first. I feel like people who are proactive about their sexual health are probably likely to have fewer STDs.)

I'm trying to think of a nice way to say this, but I really can't.

This is a terribly ignorant perspective.

She is now on my list. 

[jojoandleo]

Jul 28, 2015 9:02:01 GMT -5 sterl724 said:

I know not everyone is honest/upfront about these things. So I understand it can happen because people are dishonest. But I feel like if someone is careful and takes proper precautions with their own body and health, many cases of STDs could be avoided. For me, I think I wouldnt date someone with an STD more because of the person's behavior/decisions that led to the STD, more than the STD. (Basically - people do lie about stuff, so don't have sex without a condom. If you do want sex without a condom, both go get tested first. I feel like people who are proactive about their sexual health are probably likely to have fewer STDs.)

Dude.  Come the fuck on.

For me-I don't know.  It would be difficult to date someone who has an STD that there is no cure for currently.  However, like stated above, many people have HPV and don't even know about it.  And there is no cure for HPV.  I think it would be one of those things I would have to take one step at a time.  There is medication to suppress herpes.  There are people who have them and have spent years without a flair up. 

[sterl724]

I didn't mean it to be offensive or sound bitchy. I guess I didn't word first post as well as I could have either, re-reading it now. So I guess I deserved the side eye.

I guess I meant it more as if you're as careful and proactive as you can be both to prevent it and to protect yourself and others if you do contract something, that's is respectable and a whole different ballgame than someone who knows they have an STD, sleeps with a bunch of people and intentionally keeps it to themselves, hence causing harm to others.

I think in the OP, the fact that he was upfront about it shows he is being respectful and honest. If he is that upfront about it, he is probably taking proper precautions as far as treatment and preventing it from spreading.

[flutermed]

I dated him and then I married him. He was very up front about it. He is a very great person whose ex-wife cheated. I son't question his character or how he was reckless with his body.He is really good about letting me know if he is having an outbreak and I get tested every year with at my yearly visit.

[thebreakfastclub]

My college roommate got herpes from her boyfriend at maybe 19. She was so afraid of her mom finding out that she waited until she was in agony before going to the OB.

This should not render someone defective or undateable for life.

[jlt19]

I'd have to research the STD more thoroughly. Obviously if he mentioned it, it is an incurable one, meaning if you got it, you're stuck with it forever too. Since it's a new person, I'd have to be pretty enamored for this not to turn me off completely, even though I highly respect him for being so upfront.

[lg28]

I probably would.

Even though herpes is definitely on of the worst ones, I have a LOT of respect for someone that is that upfront and honest about it. I would give him a chance for sure.

[Deleted]

Jul 28, 2015 9:26:38 GMT -5 sterl724 said:

I didn't mean it to be offensive or sound bitchy. I guess I didn't word first post as well as I could have either, re-reading it now. So I guess I deserved the side eye.

I guess I meant it more as if you're as careful and proactive as you can be both to prevent it and to protect yourself and others if you do contract something, that's is respectable and a whole different ballgame than someone who knows they have an STD, sleeps with a bunch of people and intentionally keeps it to themselves, hence causing harm to others.

I think in the OP, the fact that he was upfront about it shows he is being respectful and honest. If he is that upfront about it, he is probably taking proper precautions as far as treatment and preventing it from spreading.

No, that's not what you meant. 

[Deleted]

Jul 28, 2015 9:26:11 GMT -5 stellas said:

If it were treatable and not life threatening. Anything chronic or deadly and I'd be out, though.

If it were treatable I am pretty sure he would not have said anything right? I mean - like treat it and it goes away. 


I think the only time it would be worth mentioning is if you get it and it stays for life. 

[Alwaysabridesmaidf]

Jul 28, 2015 9:28:28 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

My college roommate got herpes from her boyfriend at maybe 19. She was so afraid of her mom finding out that she waited until she was in agony before going to the OB.

This should not render someone defective or undateable for life.

This. I totally understand and do not judge if someone does not want to date someone with an STD but for me the bolded is true. I do think I may struggle if someone had something that is life threatening because I am worrier and I would constantly worry for that person. But things like herpes and HPV can be managed and not terminal. I DO NOT think it reflects on that person's character. You have no idea how that person contracted it and there are a lot of ways a person can contract an STD.

[jojoandleo]

Jul 28, 2015 9:26:38 GMT -5 sterl724 said:

I didn't mean it to be offensive or sound bitchy. I guess I didn't word first post as well as I could have either, re-reading it now. So I guess I deserved the side eye.

I guess I meant it more as if you're as careful and proactive as you can be both to prevent it and to protect yourself and others if you do contract something, that's is respectable and a whole different ballgame than someone who knows they have an STD, sleeps with a bunch of people and intentionally keeps it to themselves, hence causing harm to others.

I think in the OP, the fact that he was upfront about it shows he is being respectful and honest. If he is that upfront about it, he is probably taking proper precautions as far as treatment and preventing it from spreading.

Jul 28, 2015 9:02:01 GMT -5 sterl724 said:

For me, I think I wouldnt date someone with an STD more because of the person's behavior/decisions that led to the STD, more than the STD.

Huh, they are different, yet you still wouldn't date someone with an STD because that person's behavior led to the STD! You are full of shit. Just stop. You will not make this better. 

[underwaterrhymes]

Also, I want to add that H and I both have HPV. We don't know who gave it to whom since we didn't find out until we'd already been together for a year.

Aside from the one outbreak 9 years ago, we've had exactly zero issues from this and we show no signs of the virus being in our systems any longer.

He's the most amazing person I know and if he was the one with whom it originated and I knew about it in advance and had shied away, I would have missed out on so fucking much.

[flex]

I believe there are STD's much more serious than herpes. If someone had HIV, that would certainly give me pause, but herpes...not so much.

ETA: And PHOOEY to the bozo who said "...behavior that lead to the STD" jazz!  That's one  of the most foolish things I've heard on GBCN.