Awkward situation, WWYD? old friend in prison, wants mail...

[lolc]

The short: Have you ever written to someone in prison or jail? Do you give them your address? Is it awkward? I'm afraid of giving it out and then getting inmates from mail asking for money or even just knowing my address. It freaks me out!

Trying to keep this short:

Was BFF's with two sisters back in the day, lets call them Megan and Kate. Middle school we had the best years of our lives together. Kate was a year older than Meg and I. Once we reached hs, we began to hang with different crowds. Megan always had a temper to her, but it got really bad in h/s. She hated authority, and she had no qualms letting everybody know it. Kate was a little quieter, but she still wasn't in a good crowd. Kate graduated. Megan never did. Various reasons but it came down to the choices she made. We were inseparable in middle school and had some of the best times of our lives back then.  But by about 10th grade I distanced myself from them both very much because I could see that bad choices were being made and where they were headed. And we were on completely different paths. 

Fast forward to now. Of course with facebook, you reconnect with everyone from your past. And with the girls, reminiscing is such a nice thing for us to do. Kate and Megan don't generally get along, and apparently they can go very long stretches without speaking. But recently they started speaking again.

Turns out that Megan was into drugs and I think selling(?) Yes, must have been selling. She lives in TN. And I guess she had gotten arrested, sentenced (which from the one record I could find about her, her sentence started in 2011 and isn't up until 2021). I never could find what exactly she is in prison for though!

She had been off facebook for awhile, and then re-emerged last year for a time. She had moved back up to our hometown in NJ and was staying with who knows who.  I didn't even know she had served time in jail. Suddenly she disappears again. And it turns out that the feds were looking for her (maybe for violation of parole? IDK?) and she was found, arrested and sent back to TN and back to prison.

Recently Kate and I were on fb messaging back and forth. Meg didn't want anyone knowing this info about her but she especially didn't trust me and didn't want me to know anything (my husband is in law enforcement). She's never met my husband but she obviously doesn't think good of him because she's on the other side of the law. I remember her reaching out to me in 2004 after not speaking for many years and when she found out I was marrying "a cop," her whole tone changed. I thought it was weird but whatever, I hardly talked to her. All we have are memories. Great memories, but that's it. 

So now Kate is asking that I write to Megan. That Meg is so lonely in prison and never gets any mail at all and that she knows she would love to hear from me, it would make her day. She just recently reached out to her sister and Kate thought to tell me how lonely Megan is. And she's urging me to write to her. She also told me that Megan is going before another parole board in a few days. So I said 'well what would be the point in me writing if she could be gone in a few days?" then she said that even if she is approved, it would be weeks before she would get out. 

I'm not really sure what to even say if I do write. But there's always the past and nostalgia. I still have so many of her old notes, and a lot of them are pretty funny. I thought that if I go through with writing her, I'd include some of those. I told my husband about this and he said no way in hell should I write to her... but more importantly no way in hell should I give out my address.

I don't know how prison mail works. And honestly I'm not hugely concerned about her having my address, but I'm not really comfortable with it either. And I'm MOST concerned about other inmates getting hold of the mail and writing to me. I don't know. I know her sister will be disappointed if I don't write. And I guess she would too. And it doesn't really affect me all that much I guess, but it would make me feel a little bad.And she is obviously depressed. 

I just don't know. What would you do?? Sorry so long and rambly, I am super distracted. It's taken me a flippin hour to write this much because of all the interruptions. Ridiculous! Ok so I would appreciate any advice and also any knowledge about writing to someone in jail if you have that.

Thanks, I hope this isn't too flameful. And I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, I'm just sending because if I don't this is going to be sitting on the screen all darn day.
  

[flex]

I'm no expert on this but it seems that I recall the prison screens all mail before passing it on to the inmates. It's not like the postal worker shows up and delivers the mail to them directly. There are channels.

[sailorgray]

If its going to weigh on you, send her a card saying that you were thinking of her and the fun times you guys had and how funny she was and how the stories still make you laugh. Don't include your return address on the envelope.


I had a friend who spent time in jail and he said he hated getting mail from the outside. It just reminded him of what he was missing.

ETA I changed my mind. I wouldn't do anything.

[Deleted]

I probably wouldn't bother. But if you feel like you want to, you could always send it and not put a return address on it. So she won't be able to write you back, but you could send it.

[ECB]

No, I wouldn't write to her. Some people are meant to be a part of our past. Not our present or future. Based on her attitude about authority and about you marrying a LEO - I would just think it's best to let things lie.

[compassrose]

I'm having a hard time getting past the best times of your life being in middle school. (Genuinely baffled because I hated age 13).

That being said, if you want to reach out to her, send a post card. No room for your address. Walla! But it sounds like you don't really have a connection to this person anymore, only her sister. So I would not. If the sister asks why, just say in the past Megan has made it clear she'd rather not being in contact with you. And drop it.

[smock]

So Megan doesn't like or trust you, and Megan doesn't get along with Kate, but Kate says you should write Megan a letter. And Megan doesn't want people to know she's in prison.

It doesn't sound like Megan would appreciate hearing from you, and I'm sort of wondering if Kate is using you to fuck with Megan.

[Deleted]

The question here is, do YOU want a relationship with this person? If not, don't write her. If it were me, there is no way I am inviting that into my life. You've been strangers for too long and she's obviously on a different path in life.

[dianecourt]

You have no obligation to write. There are electronic systems in place for doing so, if you wish. Jpay is the biggest one I know of and you don't have to provide an address.

[ECB]

Jul 29, 2015 10:35:21 GMT -5 smock said:

So Megan doesn't like or trust you, and Megan doesn't get along with Kate, but Kate says you should write Megan a letter. And Megan doesn't want people to know she's in prison.

It doesn't sound like Megan would appreciate hearing from you, and I'm sort of wondering if Kate is using you to fuck with Megan.

Excellent points all around.

[Kit]

Jul 29, 2015 10:32:43 GMT -5 sailorgray said:

If its going to weigh on you, send her a card saying that you were thinking of her and the fun times you guys had and how funny she was and how the stories still make you laugh. Don't include your return address on the envelope.


I had a friend who spent time in jail and he said he hated getting mail from the outside. It just reminded him of what he was missing.

Some jails/prisons won't give the mail to the inmate without a return address, so if you want to go this route, call the jail/prison and find out if they will or not.

Alternatively, you can get a PO box, if you really wanted to. 

ETA: Personally, I would not write to Meagan in this case, but if you wanted to, check the above first. 

[gummy]

I just don't see the point in it if you've lost touch and have nothing in common anymore. Prison aside.

[sailorgray]

Jul 29, 2015 10:35:21 GMT -5 smock said:

So Megan doesn't like or trust you, and Megan doesn't get along with Kate, but Kate says you should write Megan a letter. And Megan doesn't want people to know she's in prison.

It doesn't sound like Megan would appreciate hearing from you, and I'm sort of wondering if Kate is using you to fuck with Megan.

Really good point. I take back my response. Don't do anything.

[mcmel]

No, I would not write because middle school drama is not worth my time.

[RoxMonster]

I'm with smock. It would be one thing if you had kept in touch with Megan and had a good relationship with her up until the time she was sent to prison and wanted to write her of your own accord. But I think this whole thing is weird (not writing to people in prison in general, but Meg being weird about you marrying a cop and then her sister saying "Oh but she really wants to hear from you!" etc).

If it were me, I would not write to her.

[ECB]

"Recently Kate and I were on fb messaging back and forth. Meg didn't want anyone knowing this info about her but she especially didn't trust me and didn't want me to know anything (my husband is in law enforcement)."

I went and read your post again.  The bolded - this is in total contradiction to her now saying "oh, write to Meg!!!".  It really does make me question Kate's motives. 

[ECB]

And to add... I think I might back away a bit from Kate too. She's putting you in an awkward situation.

Lastly - you need to put more stock into what your DH says and wants than what Kate says and wants. She'll be disappointed? Oh well... too bad. Better that than your DH being PISSED.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Jul 29, 2015 10:40:25 GMT -5 gummy said:

I just don't see the point in it if you've lost touch and have nothing in common anymore. Prison aside.

Right? It doesn't seem like you'd have a relationship if she were out of jail, so why the hard press to force a relationship when she's in jail? I think I'd pass, and I'd probably let the relationship with Kate fade away, too.

[koopa17]

No, I wouldn't even consider this. And I wouldn't message with Kate either, at this point. Middle school was a long time ago, and for me, not worth holding on to in situations like this. It doesn't sound like Meg wants your friendship, and you aren't terribly comfortable with sending mail there, so I wouldn't.

[margarita]

Kate likes drama! Don't listen to her.

[isabel]

Why are you even still involved with these people?

[Deleted]

Personally I would not do this.

Anecdote: I used to work in an office that use to do these correspondence courses through the mail, since most of our students lived in a rural area without good internet connection. We would occasionally have prison inmates signing up for these courses hoping to get a job in the field once they are released. All our female staff at some point or another get these hand written letters from inmates wanting to be our "penpal" because we sounded "nice/kind/beautiful/etc". We were advised not respond because it is usually a ploy to hook us in, and then slowly try to kindle a romance so that we'd do them favors, like send them money, etc.

[redheadk]

These people are not the same people you were friends with back in middle school. Move on with your life. Do not write.

[karmasabiotch]

You have to have a return address or they won't deliver it.

[Deleted]

[BaliHai]

I would not write her.

I'm sorry your middle school years were the best of your life.

[knope2016]

Does her sister write her? Could you include your letter in with her sister's? That way you're writing to her without giving up your address.

[lust2hart]

Kate betrayed Meg's trust by telling you that she's in prison. I wouldn't trust Kate's word that Meg wants to hear from you.

[Nonny]

This has bad idea written all over it.  Ignore Kate, don't write, and don't feel guilty about.

[nikki25]

If you want to mail her a letter, just mail the letter to the SCI or jail she is in without your return address. All mail is opened and screened then will be given directly to Megan. I mean, the mail doesn't just float around as a free for all so I think you will be find regarding other inmates contacting you.

If you don't want to contact her, well, don't.