"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by liverandonions on Aug 4, 2015 8:58:19 GMT -5
I'm with everyone else that not only does it seem to soon to be exclusive after minimal "dating" and his relationship ending and possible fatherhood is questionable but like someone up there said-aren't you also just fairly recently out of a relationship? This seems like a lot to take on so fast.
Wait, when did you break up with your boyfriend? Are you sure you're ready to be dating yet?
In May. It was my decision and I have been on cloud nine since he left. I decided to get back in the dating game in July. I felt / feel ready. Even my therapist said so! Lol.
Neither here nor there, but I've been dating my BF for 6 months and we're not FB friends or connected on Instagram.
This guy has issues for way more than just that.
Ha, I was about to comment on the same thing. I'm pretty sure my boyfriend and I just became fb friends a month or 2 ago and we've been dating for I think almost 8 months. The same was true with my last boyfriend. I don't really care that much about fb.
But back to the OP, def sounds like there could be potential drama, so I'd definitely approach with caution.
Post by speckledfrog on Aug 4, 2015 9:13:50 GMT -5
Okay, I started dating my husband back when passing notes in the hallway between English and Biology was a thing. For those of you who are in exclusive relationships, why wait so long to friend your boyfriend?
Yeah there are too many red flags here. Him being tagged in the birth announcement on FB would lead me to believe he is the father. Was he the only person tagged in it? If he wasn't the father, why would he be tagged, you know? Plus him wanting to get exclusive so quickly, not being open about how recent his divorce was, etc.
On top of it, I think the biggest red flag is your gut. You don't feel comfortable being exclusive so quickly, so you shouldn't be.
Maybe I am an oversharer (okay I AM an oversharer), but I find it a bit odd you all haven't already had the discussion about how long he has been divorced, etc. I find it especially odd he didn't mention he is expecting a child. I think you all moved very quickly for not knowing a lot about each other.
I side eye the timing, too. I know from experience that it takes A LOT to make a mom with young kids leave her husband. My consolation is that he does see their son as much as possible and they seem to be flexible about it, so she must not hate him too much?
I need to focus less on solving the mystery and more on protecting myself and stepping back, I think.
This is the smartest thing I've heard in a very long time. Most women would be curious to find out what was going on rather than realizing that it doesn't really matter.
In May. It was my decision and I have been on cloud nine since he left. I decided to get back in the dating game in July. I felt / feel ready. Even my therapist said so! Lol.
getting back in the dating game and jumping into another exclusive relationship you admittedly side-eye are not the same.
does your therapist know these ^^ details?
No, at the time of my last appt I was texting with him, but nothing more. We did talk about casual dating vs jumping into things. I thought I was doing a good job because we haven't slept together, been to each others houses, etc. I'm trying to take it verrrrry slow, which is actually tripping me up, because in taking it slow/being casual I've been avoiding some important questions about his past.
Okay, I started dating my husband back when passing notes in the hallway between English and Biology was a thing. For those of you who are in exclusive relationships, why wait so long to friend your boyfriend?
I don't really get on Facebook all that much, so it didn't really occur to me as something I needed to check off on my list of things to do in our relationship as a milestone.
I'm not sure why I friended him when I did, just completely random and his response was "oh, I thought we were already Facebook friends" when he saw the request. So clearly neither of us really paid much attention to it.
He writes and discusses some pretty meaningful things on Facebook that have spawned some interesting discussions between us when he brings it up, but other then that I don't think being Facebook friends can be a barometer to measure someone's relationship.
Go with your gut instinct. I find it good to ask how long they have been divorced, I don't need details, or the why, I really just need to know that it's actually finalized.
Wait, when did you break up with your boyfriend? Are you sure you're ready to be dating yet?
In May. It was my decision and I have been on cloud nine since he left. I decided to get back in the dating game in July. I felt / feel ready. Even my therapist said so! Lol.
Trust your gut. You probably are ready, just not with this guy. The more you post the more I want to delete my advice to ask and tell you to drop him and move on.
I really agree with whoever said you're selling yourself short.
He's smart, nice, and out-of-my-leauge cute. I couldn't believe he wanted to see me again, honestly. But he did! We started talking nonstop.
coming back - you say you're ready to date, and maybe you are. But I think the above needs to be thought about more/ talked about with your therapist more. This seems to be the driving force behind why you agreed to be exclusive even though something about this is bothering you.
P.S. I find it odd you're exclusive but not FB friends. (Not saying you're odd, just that factoid.)
I find it odd that we're exclusive now, period. I don't expect to be fb friends with someone after "talking" less than a month. But I wouldn't expect to be bf/GF with them, either.
I rolled with it because, honestly, this guy checks off SO many of my ideal man boxes. I'd be dumb to not give it a shot. But. I gave it a shot, and turns out he's not ideal. I have to wonder about his motives for moving so fast, now.
Maybe what he has revealed to you checks off these boxes, but that might not be who he is at all. Either ask about the divorce timeline and pregnancy or don't, but I think either way this isn't the dude for you.
And I also think it would be weird for her to tag him in the pregnancy announcement post on FB if the baby isn't his. It's his.
He wants you as a placeholder, to have a "person" in his life, not because he thinks you're a rad lady. Too soon after his divorce - it might not even be finalized yet. Plus a kid? Too much drama.
Yeah, I would break up based on this new knowledge. You thought you were out of his league but you're not - your league is with honest, straightforward, kind men who treat you as an equal and respect you enough to share very important details about themselves upfront. This guy is not that.
But... I might try to Facebook friend him first just to see how he reacts.
So, yeah, I'd really rather not date a guy with a baby on the way ... with his ex. Plus, it's really hard to not judge a guy who divorces his pregnant wife. But you don't know ANY of the main facts in this case.
Could I play along until he revealed the details? Nope. This is too big.
Google searches are pretty common. Ask about all of this.
Are you positive it's his baby? If they had been having marital problems for awhile, she could have been seeing someone else, and it could be that person's baby. I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship wondering that, though...and there's no good way to ask.
Not positive. My FB detective skills are pretty on point, but I can't find a due date, so I can't count back. He got back from being deployed in December. They announced baby #2 in early April. He was tagged in the announcement post, etc. Then all of a sudden she's posting cheesy memes about divorce and broken hearts.
You would *never* guess how recent this is from talking to him. They have a working custody schedule, he seems settled and content and SUPER ready to commit to this relationship with me. Wtf dude?
Of course he SUPER ready-he's in the "honeymoon" stage of getting divorced. That period where you have to have the " I'm going to be FINE! I will KICK ASS AT THIS! I will CONQUER LIFE!!" because it's a survival technique. Everyone thinks they're fine at the beginning, because that's what gets them thorugh. He just got out of a committed relationship, which is where he was comfortable (assumingly so, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten married) so it's natural for him to want to immediately get into another one again.
NO. Run away, at least for now and for a while. Even without the XW/Baby drama, you need longer than a month to heal/take time to learn from what just happened. He hasn't had time to figure out his shit in this. Even if "it was all her fault!!!" or "she was crazy" or "it's been over for a while really!" it wasn't/hasn't. IT's a 2 way street. Every relationship is.
ETA: After reading YOU just got out of your relationship in May and are exclusively dating? You're in the honeymoon period, too. No, both of you need to not be together. Bad timing, whatever. BE SINGLE, work your shit out. Single can be fun. You can eat leftovers in your pajamas and not shave your legs for weeks and months even. It's awesome.
Okay, I started dating my husband back when passing notes in the hallway between English and Biology was a thing. For those of you who are in exclusive relationships, why wait so long to friend your boyfriend?
My BIL was dating this girl for 9 months. They were very serious, talking marriage, etc. I learned they weren't FB friends and was all like, "What? Why not?" They became FB friends after that and broke up 2 days later. My h blames FB (and me). We have no idea what happened, but it was weird. They were really happy and then split once they became FB official.
Sorry, just wanted to double check (b/c I might've skipped it), but I didn't see anything that confirmed we're sure it's his...? Could this have been the reason the split up, maybe? (baby w/ a different dude)
Okay, I started dating my husband back when passing notes in the hallway between English and Biology was a thing. For those of you who are in exclusive relationships, why wait so long to friend your boyfriend?
[br Social media gives someone access to everyone in my life. If I'm not ready for them to meet my parents, hell no to social media. They don't need access to every last person in my life.
Man, I am FB friend happy. I friend girls I meet in bars drunkenly when I am all, "OMG! I LOVE YOUR SHOES! BFF's FOR LIFE! LET'S BE FB FRIENDS!" The only people I don't add are people I have never met or people I actively dislike.
Sorry, just wanted to double check (b/c I might've skipped it), but I didn't see anything that confirmed we're sure it's his...? Could this have been the reason the split up, maybe? (baby w/ a different dude)
All signs point to it being his, unless she's SUPER shady and tried to pass it off as his at first, then he found out it wasn't.
The FB announcement is their son in a big brother shirt, and he's tagged in the post - something like "Yep, we're expecting baby #2!" He's tagged in a lot of the congratulatory comments. He's in a couple more posts after that, check ins at restaurants or whatever, and then she starts posting the divorce stuff.
I feel like it would be naïve to think it's not his.
ETA: After reading YOU just got out of your relationship in May and are exclusively dating? You're in the honeymoon period, too. No, both of you need to not be together. Bad timing, whatever. BE SINGLE, work your shit out. Single can be fun. You can eat leftovers in your pajamas and not shave your legs for weeks and months even. It's awesome.
I agree that he's probably in the OMG I CAN DATE AGAIN honeymoon phase. I'm not sure I am. I mean I was single for two months before I even considered talking to anyone. I know that's nothing in the long run, but IMO it's less about the amount of time and more about the mindset. I waited to date until I felt sure that it would be fair and not a rebound. I don't mind being single. This guy kind of fell into my lap, and I thought I'd give it a shot.
ETA: After reading YOU just got out of your relationship in May and are exclusively dating? You're in the honeymoon period, too. No, both of you need to not be together. Bad timing, whatever. BE SINGLE, work your shit out. Single can be fun. You can eat leftovers in your pajamas and not shave your legs for weeks and months even. It's awesome.
I agree that he's probably in the OMG I CAN DATE AGAIN honeymoon phase. I'm not sure I am. I mean I was single for two months before I even considered talking to anyone. I know that's nothing in the long run, but IMO it's less about the amount of time and more about the mindset. I waited to date until I felt sure that it would be fair and not a rebound. I don't mind being single. This guy kind of fell into my lap, and I thought I'd give it a shot.
Look, from my personal experience and years on the SO board, two months is not enough no matter what your "mindset" is. Trust. Plenty of people have been all "We just separated, but it was over for YEARS. I have a new boyfriend now!" and let me tell you how many times THAT worked out. I have no problem with dating as soon as you say the words "I want a divorce." I just think jumping into exclusivity so soon is bad. Plus, I question your mindset if you were willing to be exclusive with a man after four dates without even knowing how long he had been divorced or the fact he was expecting a child.
I don't mean to sound mean, I mean just more to tell you to take care of yourself. A LOT of your comments in here point to you NOT being ready to be exclusive. ("He's out of my league." etc.)
Sorry, just wanted to double check (b/c I might've skipped it), but I didn't see anything that confirmed we're sure it's his...? Could this have been the reason the split up, maybe? (baby w/ a different dude)
All signs point to it being his, unless she's SUPER shady and tried to pass it off as his at first, then he found out it wasn't.
The FB announcement is their son in a big brother shirt, and he's tagged in the post - something like "Yep, we're expecting baby #2!" He's tagged in a lot of the congratulatory comments. He's in a couple more posts after that, check ins at restaurants or whatever, and then she starts posting the divorce stuff.
I feel like it would be naïve to think it's not his.
O.k. but wait- the baby announcement posts came first THEN the divorce posts? Eh, I think it's still totally up in the air whether the kid is his or not. If he found out she cheated, he may be questioning paternity. I don't think these posts are proof of ANYTHING other than she's PG.