Dating advice, aka UGHHHH

[lilybug]

Why is this so hard?

Met this guy online in early July. Texted for a week or so, then went on a date. He's smart, nice, and out-of-my-leauge cute. I couldn't believe he wanted to see me again, honestly. But he did! We started talking nonstop. On my bday (the 24th) he asked if we could be exclusive / a couple. Suuuuure! I wasn't talking to anyone else by that time anyway.

We've both been busy with traveling, kids, etc, but we've managed four in-person dates. I'm really starting to like him. For whatever DUMB reason, I decided last night to Google his name. Terrible plan. Turns out his ex wife has a blog, and her fb is wide open, and his name is all over both.

The good news, they're definitely divorced. Best I can tell, they split sometime in May, possibly early June. Soooo recent. AND. She's pregnant. Far enough along to know the sex. Well shiiiiiit.

Is this a deal breaker? Do I ask him about it? I'd rather not admit to fb stalking his ex :/ But he should have told me this, yes? We've been dating for like, a minute and a half, so I'm not that mad, I'm just... UGHHHHH.

[ECB]

Is it his child? If so, yes, deal breaker. And really, I'd be wondering about the recentness of the end of everything anyhow, pregnant aside.

[lilybug]

Aug 4, 2015 5:22:34 GMT -5 ECB said:

Is it his child? If so, yes, deal breaker. And really, I'd be wondering about the recentness of the end of everything anyhow, pregnant aside.

I don't know yet! I'm trying to decide whether to just wait for him to tell me, or woman up and ask him about it. He was deployed for most of last year, but he came back in December. So there's a CHANCE she cheated and it's not his.

[jellymankelly]

Aug 4, 2015 5:32:47 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

I got stuck on they split in May/June and they are already divorced by the first week of August.

My cousin lives in GA and managed to get divorced in about 5 minutes from when they separated. Depends on the state. It took me forEVER.

As far as the pregnant ex, that's tricky. Are you positive it's his baby? If they had been having marital problems for awhile, she could have been seeing someone else, and it could be that person's baby. I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship wondering that, though...and there's no good way to ask.

[lilybug]

Aug 4, 2015 5:32:47 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

I got stuck on they split in May/June and they are already divorced by the first week of August.

There's a 60 day wait between original petition and final decree. So if they filed mid May, it could be finalized mid July. At least that's what I'm hoping. It's just all so recent. And who knows, maybe it's not even final yet. I have a talent for attracting good liars.

[lilybug]

Aug 4, 2015 5:36:59 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

Are you positive it's his baby? If they had been having marital problems for awhile, she could have been seeing someone else, and it could be that person's baby. I wouldn't be able to continue the relationship wondering that, though...and there's no good way to ask.

Not positive. My FB detective skills are pretty on point, but I can't find a due date, so I can't count back. He got back from being deployed in December. They announced baby #2 in early April. He was tagged in the announcement post, etc. Then all of a sudden she's posting cheesy memes about divorce and broken hearts.

You would *never* guess how recent this is from talking to him. They have a working custody schedule, he seems settled and content and SUPER ready to commit to this relationship with me. Wtf dude?

[livinitup]

So, yeah, I'd really rather not date a guy with a baby on the way ... with his ex. Plus, it's really hard to not judge a guy who divorces his pregnant wife. But you don't know ANY of the main facts in this case.

Could I play along until he revealed the details? Nope. This is too big.

Google searches are pretty common. Ask about all of this.

[lilybug]

Aug 4, 2015 5:55:47 GMT -5 tillie said:

Yeah, this sounds like a potential for a lot a drama. I think I would start wind it down.

This is what my gut says. Back away slowly. Lol

[bab]

Listen to your gut

[cuddlyevil]

Go with your gut. If you think something is off, then it probably is.

[Saint Monica]

wrathofkuus says there are x billion men on this earth. Find one without nonsense/drama, etc.

[lilybug]

I side eye the timing, too. I know from experience that it takes A LOT to make a mom with young kids leave her husband. My consolation is that he does see their son as much as possible and they seem to be flexible about it, so she must not hate him too much?

I need to focus less on solving the mystery and more on protecting myself and stepping back, I think.

[ECB]

Aug 4, 2015 5:48:07 GMT -5 lilybug said:

You would *never* guess how recent this is from talking to him. They have a working custody schedule, he seems settled and content and SUPER ready to commit to this relationship with me. Wtf dude?

This right here- you need to talk to him, REALLY talk to him.  If you didn't realize how recent this was and he's not being upfront about that, that's a problem.  You need to push for more information.  Because honestly - just the quickness of this REALLY screams to me "too soon" and "rebound". 

[underwaterrhymes]

I wouldn't touch this situation with a 10-foot pole.

This is someone who not only has a bunch of potential drama, but also doesn't know how to just be single for a bit.

[housewife]

Even if it came out that it wasn't his baby and they were emotionally done long before the separation/divorce, I still would dump him. There's too many guys out there that are further removed from their ex's.

My spideysenses say this is not the case with this dude though. He's got a fresh divorce, at least 1 kid is his and he wants to be exclusive with you 3 weeks in? No.

[underwaterrhymes]

Also, if H had asked to be exclusive after just four dates, I would have backed way the hell up. And he was not just coming out of a major relationship / marriage.

I know that people can and do get serious very quickly and sometimes it works, but especially with kids in the mix and previous marriages, I think it's really wise to take things slowly and really get to know someone.

[verycontrary247]

Aug 4, 2015 7:26:39 GMT -5 housewife said:

Even if it came out that it wasn't his baby and they were emotionally done long before the separation/divorce, I still would dump him. There's too many guys out there that are further removed from their ex's.

My spideysenses say this is not the case with this dude though. He's got a fresh divorce, at least 1 kid is his and he wants to be exclusive with you 3 weeks in? No.

This. And this is coming from the queen of bad relationships. Save yourself some heartache.

[Deleted]

This is not a good situation for you, run far far away

[Muddled]

You've known him for a month. He does, and should, have lots of secrets at this point.

As UWR said, the fact that he can't seem to be alone is a red flag, pregnancy or no pregnancy.

[Deleted]

I'd ask, if you're ready to back away there's no harm in finding out what happened. Just in case there is a good explanation. Which I can't think of since he was tagged in the announcement (does it show on his page? That could be your opening)

But if you don't want to I'd take that as a definite sign he's not worth your time. At this point you should be able to have a serious conversation like "so when did you get divorced? What happened?" And maybe "why did you divorce your pregnant ex?"

Eta: I may have misread how long. I thought you'd been together a few months. Still, you do need to either ask or end this

[lilybug]

Aug 4, 2015 7:41:07 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

I'd ask, if you're ready to back away there's no harm in finding out what happened. Just in case there is a good explanation. Which I can't think of since he was tagged in the announcement (does it show on his page? That could be your opening)

But if you don't want to I'd take that as a definite sign he's not worth your time. At this point you should be able to have a serious conversation like "so when did you get divorced? What happened?" And maybe "why did you divorce your pregnant ex?"

No, his fb is locked down, can't see anything.

We have a date set for Thursday. I'm waffling between asking him over text before that, so that I know if I want to cancel, or going and asking him in person.

[doglove]

Nope, abort! abort!!!

[wise_rita]

Aug 4, 2015 7:47:59 GMT -5 lilybug said:

Aug 4, 2015 7:41:07 GMT -5 @randomcdn said:

I'd ask, if you're ready to back away there's no harm in finding out what happened. Just in case there is a good explanation. Which I can't think of since he was tagged in the announcement (does it show on his page? That could be your opening)

But if you don't want to I'd take that as a definite sign he's not worth your time. At this point you should be able to have a serious conversation like "so when did you get divorced? What happened?" And maybe "why did you divorce your pregnant ex?"

No, his fb is locked down, can't see anything.

We have a date set for Thursday. I'm waffling between asking him over text before that, so that I know if I want to cancel, or going and asking him in person.

See him on Thursday and ask in person.

P.S. I find it odd you're exclusive but not FB friends. (Not saying you're odd, just that factoid.)

[speckledfrog]

You're not even his FB friend? Lol. Next.

[lilybug]

Aug 4, 2015 7:58:18 GMT -5 wise_rita said:

P.S. I find it odd you're exclusive but not FB friends. (Not saying you're odd, just that factoid.)

I find it odd that we're exclusive now, period. I don't expect to be fb friends with someone after "talking" less than a month. But I wouldn't expect to be bf/GF with them, either.

I rolled with it because, honestly, this guy checks off SO many of my ideal man boxes. I'd be dumb to not give it a shot. But. I gave it a shot, and turns out he's not ideal. I have to wonder about his motives for moving so fast, now.

[tictac]

Aug 4, 2015 8:04:46 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

You're not even his FB friend? Lol. Next.

Right? First comes FB friendship, THEN exclusive dating, lol

Aside from that, no, I wouldn't get wrapped up with a guy that just got divorced and the ex wife is pregnant. That's just way too much drama for a guy you've only been dating for a month.

[Deleted]

Are you in therapy at all?

[Deleted]

[lilybug]

Aug 4, 2015 8:13:48 GMT -5 calamity said:

Are you in therapy at all?

Lol, yes. Should I make an emergency appointment?

I feel like my outlook on this is fairly healthy. I was single for a bit, started dating around, found a few duds and one guy who seemed worth a shot. He asked me if it was ok if we were exclusive, I had no other prospects so I said fine. It's still VERY casual / getting to know each other phase. I just told him my kids names this weekend.

[Deleted]

Do not jump into an exclusive relationship with a man who only split up with his wife a couple of months ago.


At the very least, take it slow. But don't commit. And ask him about the pregnancy.