The fact that it is hard to balance everything does not mean the answer is to stop working. I hate this mantra that it's not "worth it" to work just because it's hard sometimes.
Perhaps you would, in fact, love to be a SAHM and it is a great fit for you and your personality, strengths, passions, and goals. If so, that is wonderful, and if you and your DH both agree, then continue to explore the idea of quitting.
But I don't hear you complaining about your actual job. Do you really want to SAH? Or do you just want it to be easier to be a working mom?
I would try to break down what is actually stressing you out and throw money at it.
I have a weekly housecleaner who will do laundry as well. I clean very very little in between. I do Hello Fresh which delivers ingredients & recipes so we at least get 3 cooked meals per week. I order anything and everything on Amazon Prime. I try Stitch Fix or Le Tote when I want a wardrobe boost. I ask my SIL or mom to babysit when I need coverage. I wake up early to work out at home so I don't even have to consider thinking about going to the gym after work. I have friends over after DD goes to bed.
You do have quite a commute. Is moving an option? Do you drive or train? If you train, can you use that for me time? Read, pay bills, listen to music, chill out, whatever helps you feel ready to tackle things at home.
There are lots of benefits to working if you enjoy it. You have an advanced degree, that's something to be proud of. There are plenty of parents that work because they enjoy it over being a stay at home parent and that's ok. Do what you gotta do to take some stress of the situation. It sounds like a combo of daycare and a part time nanny would be ideal. There are plenty of families that have that arrangement.
I know in my heart that you're right. But on days that I don't *love* my job, I sort of wonder what's the point.
Do you really think there wouldn't be hard days if you quit your job to SAH? What's the point of anything? Life isn't 100% easy and wonderful, all the time, no matter what choices we make.
I know in my heart that you're right. But on days that I don't *love* my job, I sort of wonder what's the point.
FWIW, I don't love my job most days, but being a working mom generally makes me a better parent, and I'm certain that I would not be a great SAHM. I also bring in half the HHI though so it's a little bit different of a situation.
Your H is finished with fellowship now right? If so, then yeah I'd throw all sorts of money at this problem to try to get some help around the house. You no longer need to live like he's in residency I hope you find someone soon!
Yep, he's making (somewhat) big bucks now. I guess part of my hangup is, is my "small peanuts" job even worth throwing all this money at the problem? Why do I even bother working?
It is hard now but if you love your job and what you do then it is worth it. You worked REALLY hard to get where you are. It doesn't matter how much you make- it is about what you like and want to do. Now if you don't want to work that is one thing but if you do and you can afford to do - throw ALLLLLLLL the money you can at it. To be honest that is what we do. In the end having us both work at jobs we like makes us happier in the long run.
Put an ad on Care.com pronto. We found our nanny that way. I know a lot of people who have found part time sitters this way. You would be surprised in a urban area how many are just looking for part-time work because they are in school or have another PT job.
It sounds pretty rough. Do what you can to make it better. Definitely throw some money at finding help, or expand your search to other sites. I hope you can get someone soon - it's impossible to do it alone and feel like you're not drowning.
Do you listen to books or podcasts on your commute? I find that helps me feel like my commute is "me time" rather than "wasted time".
I will fully admit to having occassional meltdowns, but I never blame it on being a "working mom". I mean men don't blame their stress on being a "working dad".
When I freak out, I know that things have gotten too overloaded and we try to figure out what's going on, call in the reserves, tweak things at home, whatever.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think quitting is some magical answer that will solve all your problems.
I know in my heart that you're right. But on days that I don't *love* my job, I sort of wonder what's the point.
Do you really think there wouldn't be hard days if you quit your job to SAH? What's the point of anything? Life isn't 100% easy and wonderful, all the time, no matter what choices we make.
I know, I know. I guess I feel like working makes my life pointlessly difficult. It's not like there will be no one to teach these students if not me.
The fact that it is hard to balance everything does not mean the answer is to stop working. I hate this mantra that it's not "worth it" to work just because it's hard sometimes.
Perhaps you would, in fact, love to be a SAHM and it is a great fit for you and your personality, strengths, passions, and goals. If so, that is wonderful, and if you and your DH both agree, then continue to explore the idea of quitting.
But I don't hear you complaining about your actual job. Do you really want to SAH? Or do you just want it to be easier to be a working mom?
I would try to break down what is actually stressing you out and throw money at it.
I have a weekly housecleaner who will do laundry as well. I clean very very little in between. I do Hello Fresh which delivers ingredients & recipes so we at least get 3 cooked meals per week. I order anything and everything on Amazon Prime. I try Stitch Fix or Le Tote when I want a wardrobe boost. I ask my SIL or mom to babysit when I need coverage. I wake up early to work out at home so I don't even have to consider thinking about going to the gym after work. I have friends over after DD goes to bed.
You do have quite a commute. Is moving an option? Do you drive or train? If you train, can you use that for me time? Read, pay bills, listen to music, chill out, whatever helps you feel ready to tackle things at home.
Thanks for the advice. I do sometimes hate my job. But I mostly like it and don't really want to quit.
We will probably be moving in the next year. Our jobs are an hour apart, so the best we're going to do is about ~30 minute commute each. (H now commutes close to an hour each way.) Plus, we love our neighborhood, so we're kind of reluctant to move.
I will fully admit to having occassional meltdowns, but I never blame it on being a "working mom". I mean men don't blame their stress on being a "working dad".
When I freak out, I know that things have gotten too overloaded and we try to figure out what's going on, call in the reserves, tweak things at home, whatever.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think quitting is some magical answer that will solve all your problems.
I see your point. But to be fair, you don't bring in less than 20% of your HHI. So my complaints aren't just my anxiety talking, they're the actual numbers.
ETA: My job seems optional because our finances would be no worse off if I quit working. We could not afford our condo if H quit working. I know, FWP to end all FWP. But my job is basically like a hobby that I spend a ton of time doing and stresses me out.
Do you really think there wouldn't be hard days if you quit your job to SAH? What's the point of anything? Life isn't 100% easy and wonderful, all the time, no matter what choices we make.
I know, I know. I guess I feel like working makes my life pointlessly difficult. It's not like there will be no one to teach these students if not me.
Nobody is that important that they can't be replaced. Nobody.
I will fully admit to having occassional meltdowns, but I never blame it on being a "working mom". I mean men don't blame their stress on being a "working dad".
When I freak out, I know that things have gotten too overloaded and we try to figure out what's going on, call in the reserves, tweak things at home, whatever.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think quitting is some magical answer that will solve all your problems.
I see your point. But to be fair, you don't bring in less than 20% of your HHI. So my complaints aren't just my anxiety talking, they're the actual numbers.
ETA: My job seems optional because our finances would be no worse off if I quit working. We could not afford our condo if H quit working. I know, FWP to end all FWP. But my job is basically like a hobby that I spend a ton of time doing and stresses me out.
I feel that you are undervaluing your contributions. Your job is not a hobby- it's a career.
I will fully admit to having occassional meltdowns, but I never blame it on being a "working mom". I mean men don't blame their stress on being a "working dad".
When I freak out, I know that things have gotten too overloaded and we try to figure out what's going on, call in the reserves, tweak things at home, whatever.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think quitting is some magical answer that will solve all your problems.
I see your point. But to be fair, you don't bring in less than 20% of your HHI. So my complaints aren't just my anxiety talking, they're the actual numbers.
ETA: My job seems optional because our finances would be no worse off if I quit working. We could not afford our condo if H quit working. I know, FWP to end all FWP. But my job is basically like a hobby that I spend a ton of time doing and stresses me out.
I pay a large amount of my salary to daycare, sometimes I feel like you- WHY am I doing this? if I stopped working we'd have a little less money but we'd be fine. If h stopped working we'd have to overhaul our entire life basically.
but I think about a few things
1. I don't want to be home all day with my kids. I just know I would not do well with that. When I'm off for a week or two with them on vacation I'm dying to escape them by the end 2. I think it would be bad for my marriage if I stayed home. I would be bitter towards my husband, I would have a lot of resentment and anger and I don't think our marriage would do well because of that 3. Future earning potential! One day, not too too long away our kids will be in school and we'll only be paying the after school care fees. I won't have had a five year gap on my resume, struggle to find another job etc.
Of course it's summer now. Ask me again in winter when I've just suffered through a month of my commute taking two hours each way because of the snow, multiple calling in sick to my boss because of my kids tagteaming sicknesses, etc. etc.
I think like every job- working, sahm, etc there are good days and bad days, good weeks, months and bad ones. If you picture yourself being home does it seem like it would be better? It's so hard to know. I wish there was a way to take a one year sabbatical, try staying home, and if it doesn't work out you can just start back at your old job same salary
I hope you can find some part time care to bridge the gap and take some pressure off.
Also just because a job isn't super well paid, that doesn't make it unimportant.
Yes, doctors are VERY important. But so are teachers! Teachers are very important! Especially good teachers. A good teacher can help shape a childs life, they can really make a difference to children.
Please don't feel like what you do isn't important enough just because you don't make six figures. It IS important. To you, to your family, to the kids you teach.
I see your point. But to be fair, you don't bring in less than 20% of your HHI. So my complaints aren't just my anxiety talking, they're the actual numbers.
ETA: My job seems optional because our finances would be no worse off if I quit working. We could not afford our condo if H quit working. I know, FWP to end all FWP. But my job is basically like a hobby that I spend a ton of time doing and stresses me out.
I pay a large amount of my salary to daycare, sometimes I feel like you- WHY am I doing this? if I stopped working we'd have a little less money but we'd be fine. If h stopped working we'd have to overhaul our entire life basically.
but I think about a few things
1. I don't want to be home all day with my kids. I just know I would not do well with that. When I'm off for a week or two with them on vacation I'm dying to escape them by the end 2. I think it would be bad for my marriage if I stayed home. I would be bitter towards my husband, I would have a lot of resentment and anger and I don't think our marriage would do well because of that 3. Future earning potential! One day, not too too long away our kids will be in school and we'll only be paying the after school care fees. I won't have had a five year gap on my resume, struggle to find another job etc.
Of course it's summer now. Ask me again in winter when I've just suffered through a month of my commute taking two hours each way because of the snow, multiple calling in sick to my boss because of my kids tagteaming sicknesses, etc. etc.
I think like every job- working, sahm, etc there are good days and bad days, good weeks, months and bad ones. If you picture yourself being home does it seem like it would be better? It's so hard to know. I wish there was a way to take a one year sabbatical, try staying home, and if it doesn't work out you can just start back at your old job same salary
I hope you can find some part time care to bridge the gap and take some pressure off.
Yeah and I realize that me being like "it would be so much easier if I quit my job!" is really dismissive of how difficult I KNOW IT IS to be a SAHM. I don't think I would particularly like that life either. Kids are exhausting, and I think I'm more fulfilled by my job.
But it seems like I'm already doing many of the things I would be doing if I SAH, except in a few hours a week. And that is stressful.
So many hair pats. I have many "what have I gotten myself into" moments.
Eta: also, if you think your job is "small peanuts," I hate to think what you would opine of my salary. I pretty much break even on childcare costs, but really like the work that I do and am excited about showing off the end product.
This was me last year. 1.5 total commute and feeling like everything fell on me because 1/2 the time H was gone before DS went to bed. I am lucky because my Mom watches DS in my house so I don't have a pick up, but then I have to deal with MY MOM for like 20 minutes everyday. I know that sounds snotty, but having your Mom in your house all day everyday is a little much at times.
Anyways what helped HUGELY was letting go of expectations. If it's just DS and I for dinner I pop on a Disney movie and we have a picnic in the living room on blankets. Or we snuggle in bed upstairs and have a snacky dinner and play games on his kindle. I go for EASY. If DH isn't home to bathe him at night then he gets to take a shower in the morning after we get out. If he gives me crap at bedtime, I just walk away until he calms down. Who cares if it takes 10 extra minutes?? No one is timing me. I don't clean or really do much cooking on work nights. I might pick a few things up, or make sure the bag is packed but I don't do big stuff. I am lucky my Mom will throw in a load of laundry or two for me while she watches DS, and like swiffer the floor while he is at preK. Do you have cleaning people? That would be a big help in your situation.
H's new job is like a 20 minute commute and he gets out at 5pm and not 6pm so my day is much much easier now. Plus DS is older and can do more independently. Really I think you need to find help wherever you can and just really let go of anything that doesn't need to happen right away.
I pay a large amount of my salary to daycare, sometimes I feel like you- WHY am I doing this? if I stopped working we'd have a little less money but we'd be fine. If h stopped working we'd have to overhaul our entire life basically.
but I think about a few things
1. I don't want to be home all day with my kids. I just know I would not do well with that. When I'm off for a week or two with them on vacation I'm dying to escape them by the end 2. I think it would be bad for my marriage if I stayed home. I would be bitter towards my husband, I would have a lot of resentment and anger and I don't think our marriage would do well because of that 3. Future earning potential! One day, not too too long away our kids will be in school and we'll only be paying the after school care fees. I won't have had a five year gap on my resume, struggle to find another job etc.
Of course it's summer now. Ask me again in winter when I've just suffered through a month of my commute taking two hours each way because of the snow, multiple calling in sick to my boss because of my kids tagteaming sicknesses, etc. etc.
I think like every job- working, sahm, etc there are good days and bad days, good weeks, months and bad ones. If you picture yourself being home does it seem like it would be better? It's so hard to know. I wish there was a way to take a one year sabbatical, try staying home, and if it doesn't work out you can just start back at your old job same salary
I hope you can find some part time care to bridge the gap and take some pressure off.
Yeah and I realize that me being like "it would be so much easier if I quit my job!" is really dismissive of how difficult I KNOW IT IS to be a SAHM. I don't think I would particularly like that life either. Kids are exhausting, and I think I'm more fulfilled by my job.
But it seems like I'm already doing many of the things I would be doing if I SAH, except in a few hours a week. And that is stressful.
but the messes would constantly happen if you were there
At least now I only see the house looking like a bomb hit it like twice a day. If I were there all day there would be constant feeding children, cleaning their food mess, floor is covered in food now too, playroom all messy. Tidy a bit. One hour later a child is hungry again. oh look floor is dirty again! How is every toy out on floor again. WHY DOES IT NOT END
Big hugs. You are a very smart, capable woman whose job isn't worth less just because your make a small part of your HHI. You work because it's important to you. It's perfectly fine to spend your entire salary (and then some) on childcare, stuff to make your life easier, etc because M won't be little forever. Have you considered WFH one day a week or going down to 0.8 FTE? Most of the faculty I know either have a spouse with an incredible flexible job, or they work 0.8 FTE (although I think most switched after tenure so maybe that's not an option now). I think faculty is an incredibly demanding job if you don't LOVE it. You have such great training and there's so much else you could do. Maybe look into medical writing like you mentioned. It's certainly easier from a work-life balance perspective. I hope you are able to find help in the meantime and know that your job is valuable.
This was me last year. 1.5 total commute and feeling like everything fell on me because 1/2 the time H was gone before DS went to bed. I am lucky because my Mom watches DS in my house so I don't have a pick up, but then I have to deal with MY MOM for like 20 minutes everyday. I know that sounds snotty, but having your Mom in your house all day everyday is a little much at times.
No, I totally get it. It occurred to me yesterday that if I had asked my mom to come and help me out while H was out of town, she would have jumped in the car and made the 600 mile drive, no questions asked. Then I realized that I would have had to deal with my mom for five days, and I was like
Big hugs. You are a very smart, capable woman whose job isn't worth less just because your make a small part of your HHI. You work because it's important to you. It's perfectly fine to spend your entire salary (and then some) on childcare, stuff to make your life easier, etc because M won't be little forever. Have you considered WFH one day a week or going down to 0.8 FTE? Most of the faculty I know either have a spouse with an incredible flexible job, or they work 0.8 FTE (although I think most switched after tenure so maybe that's not an option now). I think faculty is an incredibly demanding job if you don't LOVE it. You have such great training and there's so much else you could do. Maybe look into medical writing like you mentioned. It's certainly easier from a work-life balance perspective. I hope you are able to find help in the meantime and know that your job is valuable.
Are these physicians? We don't have options for our workload. It's a 3/3 teaching load (plus service and scholarship), or adjuncting. And the latter is definitely not worth it to me.
Big hugs. You are a very smart, capable woman whose job isn't worth less just because your make a small part of your HHI. You work because it's important to you. It's perfectly fine to spend your entire salary (and then some) on childcare, stuff to make your life easier, etc because M won't be little forever. Have you considered WFH one day a week or going down to 0.8 FTE? Most of the faculty I know either have a spouse with an incredible flexible job, or they work 0.8 FTE (although I think most switched after tenure so maybe that's not an option now). I think faculty is an incredibly demanding job if you don't LOVE it. You have such great training and there's so much else you could do. Maybe look into medical writing like you mentioned. It's certainly easier from a work-life balance perspective. I hope you are able to find help in the meantime and know that your job is valuable.
Are these physicians? We don't have options for our workload. It's a 3/3 teaching load (plus service and scholarship), or adjuncting. And the latter is definitely not worth it to me.
Please don't become an adjunct. The uncertainty and te poor pay are terrible. A LOT of people in my field adjunct at some of the top universities here and I refuse to do it. For the small amount of money and lack of job security, it doesn't seem worth the stress and the workload.
Yep, he's making (somewhat) big bucks now. I guess part of my hangup is, is my "small peanuts" job even worth throwing all this money at the problem? Why do I even bother working?
You're not Dr. Peppers for nothing! You are so lucky that your husband makes somewhat big bucks to be able to afford help. Don't look at it as just your salary paying for childcare, it's both of your money paying for child care. You work for fulfillment of your career that you worked very hard at, that's definitely not worth not working for.
This is so true. Your H needs paid childcare so he can work, too!
I'm sorry you're struggling rbp. You've probably heard me say that years 1-2 of DNS life were the hardest for me. I felt like we were over the babyhood hump and trying to settle into a new normal. I had to really push back at my H to get him to see that just because I have the vagina doesn't mean I'm in charge of ALL things child related. It's still a frustration in our house, frankly.
Are these physicians? We don't have options for our workload. It's a 3/3 teaching load (plus service and scholarship), or adjuncting. And the latter is definitely not worth it to me.
Please don't become an adjunct. The uncertainty and te poor pay are terrible. A LOT of people in my field adjunct at some of the top universities here and I refuse to do it. For the small amount of money and lack of job security, it doesn't seem worth the stress and the workload.
I'm sorry you're struggling rbp. You've probably heard me say that years 1-2 of DNS life were the hardest for me. I felt like we were over the babyhood hump and trying to settle into a new normal. I had to really push back at my H to get him to see that just because I have the vagina doesn't mean I'm in charge of ALL things child related. It's still a frustration in our house, frankly.
I just want Alice from the Brady Bunch.
In all fairness to my H, it's not necessarily because I have a vagina that all the house stuff falls on me. It's because I am the one who regularly sees more daylight outside of the confines of an office between the two of us. But yes, I would also really like an Alice.
You're doing a great job, rbp! It's hard to juggle it all and I just came out of a funk where I felt like I sucked at life - work was hard, home was hard - it's the worst. Lots of hair pats and hugs from me to you.
I've not read through all the replies, but have you tapped into any sororities on your campus? The alumnae of my sorority get a list that the chapter puts together every year of those willing to babysit / nanny along with each person's availability. It's a sweet gig for a college student, imo.
Good for you for being proactive to make it easier on you. I tend to stew on these things rather than actually doing anything about them.
I don't have a whole lot to add to the suggestions you've already gotten. Definitely seek out as much help as you need to stay sane and at least somewhat happy.
But I will say, sanity returned as my kids have gotten older. Them eating the same things we do, being able to entertain themselves while we cook, even sometimes helping to cook and clean - it is a whole different world from the first 0-2 years of the kid's life. I was so overwhelmed so many times, and I wish I was able to step back and say, "just 6 more months and things will be different."
Also, I listened to the most recent Freakonomics podcast yesterday, and the gist was "people are optimistic about the future, but it's a lot worse than most people project." So that kind of bummed me out. Womp womp.