I need hair pats re:working mom

[rbp]

I melted down last night about how hard it is to be good at my job, commute 1.5 hours (total) every day, and basically parent solo during the week (H leaves around when M wakes up and gets home around bedtime). H has planned to be a physician since before I met him, and not a lot of physicians work light hours, so it's not like I couldn't see this coming. But I'm finding it hard for me to have a job while managing everything at home as well. Obviously we need help. I've posted on the local university's job board and my local FB moms group (twice each) looking for someone to pick M up from DC and do some things around the house after I get home. So far, no bites. I'm hoping if we can find someone to help me a couple days a week, this will make my life more manageable. 

In the meantime, tell me it will be ok?

[catsarecute]

You will be ok. It is hard. So hard! My husband has been on a night shift for 2 weeks and I'm more tired than I've ever been. Adding work into the mix doesn't make it easier. I hope someone can help out with some small tasks for you. I know I would love to have someone to keep dd company while I'm making dinner so she isn't sitting in her chair screaming!!!

[bowies]

It's hard and you're doing a great job. I hope someone responds to your ad soon. Classes are just getting started where I live, so maybe once students get back into the groove they will start looking around for part-time work.

Have you and your H seriously discussed participating in the au pair program? It sounds like it would be ideal for you if you have the room in your home. We have friends that are hosting an au pair and rave about it. Both have jobs that can involve long hours.

[juliette21]

Aug 27, 2015 7:49:55 GMT -5 rbp said:

I melted down last night about how hard it is to be good at my job, commute 1.5 hours (total) every day, and basically parent solo during the week (H leaves around when M wakes up and gets home around bedtime). H has planned to be a physician since before I met him, and not a lot of physicians work light hours, so it's not like I couldn't see this coming. But I'm finding it hard for me to have a job while managing everything at home as well. Obviously we need help. I've posted on the local university's job board and my local FB moms group (twice each) looking for someone to pick M up from DC and do some things around the house after I get home. So far, no bites. I'm hoping if we can find someone to help me a couple days a week, this will make my life more manageable. 

In the meantime, tell me it will be ok?

It's okay to think it's hard, even though you "knew this going in." There really is an unpleasant trend of judging people or not feeling bad for them when they knew something beforehand. Just because you knew your husband was going to work long hours and that most of the childcare was going to fall on you, doesn't mean you really knew how hard that would be, or how draining your own job and day-to-day schedule would be with a child added. So don't apologize for that or diminish how you're feeling because you knew this was coming.

I'm sorry so much falls on you, and I hope eventually you can find some extra help. In the meantime, however, it's totally okay to let some things slide that don't HAVE to happen, and adjust your expectations. Easier said than done I know, but really as long as everyone is alive at the end of the day and has clean underwear it was a successful day. Also, know that every single mom out there is overwhelmed and trying to do the best she can, regardless of work or husband situation. None of us have it together. Some days are better than others and some just really suck. 

[rbp]

Aug 27, 2015 7:57:53 GMT -5 bowies said:

It's hard and you're doing a great job. I hope someone responds to your ad soon. Classes are just getting started where I live, so maybe once students get back into the groove they will start looking around for part-time work.

Have you and your H seriously discussed participating in the au pair program? It sounds like it would be ideal for you if you have the room in your home. We have friends that are hosting an au pair and rave about it. Both have jobs that can involve long hours.

We don't currently have a guest room, but this might be a great option when we move into a bigger house.

[rbp]

Aug 27, 2015 8:01:01 GMT -5 juliette21 said:

Aug 27, 2015 7:49:55 GMT -5 rbp said:

I melted down last night about how hard it is to be good at my job, commute 1.5 hours (total) every day, and basically parent solo during the week (H leaves around when M wakes up and gets home around bedtime). H has planned to be a physician since before I met him, and not a lot of physicians work light hours, so it's not like I couldn't see this coming. But I'm finding it hard for me to have a job while managing everything at home as well. Obviously we need help. I've posted on the local university's job board and my local FB moms group (twice each) looking for someone to pick M up from DC and do some things around the house after I get home. So far, no bites. I'm hoping if we can find someone to help me a couple days a week, this will make my life more manageable. 

In the meantime, tell me it will be ok?

It's okay to think it's hard, even though you "knew this going in." There really is an unpleasant trend of judging people or not feeling bad for them when they knew something beforehand. Just because you knew your husband was going to work long hours and that most of the childcare was going to fall on you, doesn't mean you really knew how hard that would be, or how draining your own job and day-to-day schedule would be with a child added. So don't apologize for that or diminish how you're feeling because you knew this was coming.

I'm sorry so much falls on you, and I hope eventually you can find some extra help. In the meantime, however, it's totally okay to let some things slide that don't HAVE to happen, and adjust your expectations. Easier said than done I know, but really as long as everyone is alive at the end of the day and has clean underwear it was a successful day. Also, know that every single mom out there is overwhelmed and trying to do the best she can, regardless of work or husband situation. None of us have it together. Some days are better than others and some just really suck. 

I know--I just didn't want a bunch of husband bashing for him not doing "his fair share" or whatever.

Thanks.

[rbp]

Aug 27, 2015 7:58:05 GMT -5 @peggyolson said:

It will be okay! Keep trying to hire help! Have you tried care.com? Posting a job on indeed.com or craiglist? I would require clearances (Act 33, 34 and 73) if you do either of those routes.

We are members of a paid babysitting referral service. I just sent them an ad. I was reluctant to do this because any regular recurring job requires a nanny finder's fee, but at this point I'm willing to pay whatever to get some relief.

[zarapipe]

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. It is such an adjustment and I think you are doing great. I think a helper would be a huge benefit. That is so strange no one has contact you though, especially through the college. I work at a campus and all of the kids are looking for jobs now that the semester has started. How about care.com?

[rbp]

I should add that H's family has been AMAZING. New student orientation and the first week of school is a really busy time for me, and H's aunt and his mom have both offered to watch M when I'm working late. If we end up moving closer to our jobs, I am going to make sure we don't get too far away from the ILs!

[swank]

I think you are on the right track.

I got a million responses when I emailed the future teacher's club at the local U and the nursing students. Sometimes they don't look on the job boards but targeting this groups worked for me. Good luck! You are doing all the right things.

[Deleted]

My H works long hours and I am basically a single parent during the week.
Have you considered hiring a nanny instead of daycare? It makes life so much easier. You don't have to get then dressed and out the door. You don't have to pick up. The nanny cleans your house. Does your laundry etc. She can even prepare your meals.
It's more $$$ but for me - nothing else would have worked.
When your kid is older, you can do preschool if you are worried about interaction with other kids. Or likely your nanny will be part of a nanny network and have other nannies to hang with

[drloretta]

I will be ok! You have a solid plan

[Deleted]

Its hard. I have weeks where I just cant do everything and feel horrible about everything that is left incomplete. It does get better though. Please try to get help an in the meanwhile know you can do it and you will survive. Just take it one day at a time. Order take out. Let the dishes pile up. Buy new underwear when you run out of clean ones.

[rbp]

Aug 27, 2015 8:33:09 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

My H works long hours and I am basically a single parent during the week.
Have you considered hiring a nanny instead of daycare? It makes life so much easier. You don't have to get then dressed and out the door. You don't have to pick up. The nanny cleans your house. Does your laundry etc. She can even prepare your meals.
It's more $$$ but for me - nothing else would have worked.
When your kid is older, you can do preschool if you are worried about interaction with other kids. Or likely your nanny will be part of a nanny network and have other nannies to hang with

We have considered it. We have a great daycare that's nearby (it literally adds 13 minutes to my morning commute), and it costs less than half as much as a nanny. Also, we'll probably be moving in the next year, so I don't want to change our full-time childcare situation twice if I don't have to.

We had a part-time nanny in the spring while we were waiting for a full-time daycare spot, and I can certainly see the appeal. But our DC is also great. 

[Deleted]

Aug 27, 2015 8:03:58 GMT -5 rbp said:

Aug 27, 2015 7:58:05 GMT -5 @peggyolson said:

It will be okay! Keep trying to hire help! Have you tried care.com? Posting a job on indeed.com or craiglist? I would require clearances (Act 33, 34 and 73) if you do either of those routes.

We are members of a paid babysitting referral service. I just sent them an ad. I was reluctant to do this because any regular recurring job requires a nanny finder's fee, but at this point I'm willing to pay whatever to get some relief.

Your H is finished with fellowship now right? If so, then yeah I'd throw all sorts of money at this problem to try to get some help around the house. You no longer need to live like he's in residency I hope you find someone soon!

[badtzmaru22]

::big hugs:: You are doing a great job! Hang in there, because it does get easier!!

DH and I have worked opposite shifts for most of our nine-year marriage. He just recently switched to working a day schedule, and we have two kids, 3.5 and 13mo.

Everyone has given you some helpful advice, and hopefully you can get some paid help soon, but in the meantime, just try to focus on a schedule/routine, and learn to let things go when you can. We do baths every other night, (sometimes every third night... And when I was massively pregnant with #2, even less. I promise my kid wasn't disgusting!) and meal plan. Stock up the freezer with frozen meals from Trader Joes or wherever. I try to have themes like taco Tuesday, fish Friday, so I don't even have to think too hard, and I can always get dinner together quickly. It's more important to me to have a few minutes in the evening where we can play or go on a walk than have a fancy dinner or a clean house. We seriously just do the bare minimum during the week, and right now while it's nice out (we are in NYS, so limited warm days) we let things go on the weekends too, so we can have family time and enjoy being out and about.

We can't afford extra help, but a house cleaner once a month, and a lawn mowing service would be on the top of my list if we did. I do stay up way too late, but I've always been a bit of a night owl anyway, and I need some time to myself, and after the kids are in bed is the only time I can get it.

I don't even have a high-powered, crazy hours job, but I do work FT, and I enjoy my work, and I think it's important for my kids to see that, and see their parents working in fulfilling careers. Sure, life gets hectic sometimes, but your son is little, and to him, this is just how life is, and he knows his parents love him- he's the same age as my son, and it's going to be so exciting for you very soon when he starts telling you about all the fun stuff he's learning, and he'll just grow up knowing that he has his activities/school/whatever during the day, and so do mom and dad, and you all just learn to really make the most of the time you do have together. ::hugs:: it's hard, and it's ok to admit it's hard, but you're doing a great job!

[womet]

rbp, there is a wonderful parents list serv through my work that you might also want to tap into. You might be able to find someone there. PM me and I can send you the details on how to join.

[rbp]

Aug 27, 2015 8:43:18 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Aug 27, 2015 8:03:58 GMT -5 rbp said:

We are members of a paid babysitting referral service. I just sent them an ad. I was reluctant to do this because any regular recurring job requires a nanny finder's fee, but at this point I'm willing to pay whatever to get some relief.

Your H is finished with fellowship now right? If so, then yeah I'd throw all sorts of money at this problem to try to get some help around the house. You no longer need to live like he's in residency I hope you find someone soon!

Yep, he's making (somewhat) big bucks now. I guess part of my hangup is, is my "small peanuts" job even worth throwing all this money at the problem? Why do I even bother working?

[Jalapeñomel]

(((Hugs))) you have done it, you will continue to do it, and there is no doubt you do it well.

Or you will figure out what needs to be done to get to the happiness you all deserve.

Edit: hit enter too fast

[Deleted]

Aug 27, 2015 8:44:36 GMT -5 rbp said:

Aug 27, 2015 8:43:18 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Your H is finished with fellowship now right? If so, then yeah I'd throw all sorts of money at this problem to try to get some help around the house. You no longer need to live like he's in residency I hope you find someone soon!

Yep, he's making (somewhat) big bucks now. I guess part of my hangup is, is my "small peanuts" job even worth throwing all this money at the problem? Why do I even bother working?

Nope.
You work because you enjoy it. You work because it is what you studied and you want to use your education.
If no to the above. Then you work to keep your broken ankle in the door so that you can still have a job in 5 years when you want one. (Reality Unfortunatley)
Or if all of the above is wrong. You don't work. You stay home and you don't feel bad about it. You don't let people judge you. You do what works for you. If having a helper a few days a week works for you -there you go.
I work full time for health benefits. Otherwise I would have worked part time for the last 3 years.

[minzy]

That sounds tough.  I am in awe of those who juggle this every day.  I hope you get some help lined up soon.

Slight tangent, but your post reminded me of this article about a work-life program at Stanford that is aiming to reduce burnout among emergency medicine physicians.

[Deleted]

It will be ok. I think all working moms feel like this at one point or another. I'm currently going through an "I'm overwhelmed with life stage" too. I'm struggling to get it all done. And I really have to get more organized! I thought I was organized but adding in 3 additional people's schedules and stuff has me scrambling lately.

Have you looked on care.com? If you aren't getting any bites via your other avenues maybe that would be worth a look. Is there somethig else you could outsource that would help? Cleaning person? Online grocery delivery? Those things help me.

Hang in there!

[D2M]

Co-signing as the spouse of someone with a job with crazy hours. The unpredictable nature of his hours really get to me, but at the same time, I've gotten used to it. I have help from my mom at least once a week. I also only have to commute 3 days a week (I work from home 2x/week). A helper will be HUGE for you. You really can't do everything by yourself. That's OK; none of us can. You are doing great.

[ny96]

I'm sorry. We're in a similar position, and the hardest thing for me is coming home after a long day and a long commute to an empty house and no one to talk to for at least a couple hours. Hope you find someone great soon.

[Deleted]

I have been there before and it is a struggle. 

DH has an insane commute (about 1.5 hours each way) and a job that requires calls/meetings at odd hours. My job is also a big job that requires lots of hours despite being <30 min from home which makes me the default parent and leaves me solo parenting most of the time.

In some of my less shining moments I've told DH flat out that we can't both have big jobs. A lot of my anger and frustration has to do with feeling like my career/schedule takes second priority just because it's somewhat more flexible. Also FOR ME it's about perspective and whether I'm getting enough sleep/the right meds(I have an anxiety disorder)/etc. Also helpful is to get out of the normal routine which means a babysitter or having DH step in when he normally doesn't. We are lucky in that we have some family help but that comes with baggage also. 

Have you considered looking into care.com or asking local mom groups for babysitting suggestions? My local FB moms group is WONDERFUL with suggestions. If you're not already a part of something like that I'd look into it. Hugs - it ebbs and flows but I promise these feelings are not forever.

[Saudade]

Super big hugs. It's hard.

When I was little my parents were in the same situation (dad prof, mom provider). We had college students take care of us in the evenings. Either pick us up from school or be at the house when our bus dropped us off. They were there until one parent got home (always my mom, ironically). It was awesome. We formed so many good bonds with them. Many of them were psych or ed majors who were roommates or good friends of the students of my dad.

I'd contact some of your coworkers and see if they have any students they'd recommend for providing care and go from there.

Do you have help in other areas, cleaning, yard work, groceries? That could take a lot of strain off.

[laurenh]

Aug 27, 2015 8:01:37 GMT -5 rbp said:

Aug 27, 2015 7:57:53 GMT -5 bowies said:

It's hard and you're doing a great job. I hope someone responds to your ad soon. Classes are just getting started where I live, so maybe once students get back into the groove they will start looking around for part-time work.

Have you and your H seriously discussed participating in the au pair program? It sounds like it would be ideal for you if you have the room in your home. We have friends that are hosting an au pair and rave about it. Both have jobs that can involve long hours.

We don't currently have a guest room, but this might be a great option when we move into a bigger house.

I hope you get a response soon! In the meantime you might want to consider care.com - I've seen PT availability there. We're getting our first au pair in December so I can give you feedback if you're interested We are in the process of converting our garage into a bedroom suite right now. We aren't in the scenario of one of us working long hours but I am hoping it lessens the hecticness of daycare and 3 kids along with balancing sickness.

[bcarp30]

It will be okay! I had a hard time finding help for random hours when I was working on a campaign but I found the sorority house info on campus and posted to them which was amazing. There were 8 girls who would all nanny and they would share jobs with each other and someone was almost always available. Maybe try that?

[Deleted]

Aug 27, 2015 8:44:36 GMT -5 rbp said:

Aug 27, 2015 8:43:18 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Your H is finished with fellowship now right? If so, then yeah I'd throw all sorts of money at this problem to try to get some help around the house. You no longer need to live like he's in residency I hope you find someone soon!

Yep, he's making (somewhat) big bucks now. I guess part of my hangup is, is my "small peanuts" job even worth throwing all this money at the problem? Why do I even bother working?

There are lots of benefits to working if you enjoy it. You have an advanced degree, that's something to be proud of. There are plenty of parents that work because they enjoy it over being a stay at home parent and that's ok. Do what you gotta do to take some stress of the situation. It sounds like a combo of daycare and a part time nanny would be ideal. There are plenty of families that have that arrangement.

[rbp]

Aug 27, 2015 9:05:07 GMT -5 @wandering said:

Aug 27, 2015 8:44:36 GMT -5 rbp said:

Yep, he's making (somewhat) big bucks now. I guess part of my hangup is, is my "small peanuts" job even worth throwing all this money at the problem? Why do I even bother working?

There are lots of benefits to working if you enjoy it. You have an advanced degree, that's something to be proud of. There are plenty of parents that work because they enjoy it over being a stay at home parent and that's ok. Do what you gotta do to take some stress of the situation. It sounds like a combo of daycare and a part time nanny would be ideal. There are plenty of families that have that arrangement.

I know in my heart that you're right. But on days that I don't *love* my job, I sort of wonder what's the point.