Big hugs. You are a very smart, capable woman whose job isn't worth less just because your make a small part of your HHI. You work because it's important to you. It's perfectly fine to spend your entire salary (and then some) on childcare, stuff to make your life easier, etc because M won't be little forever. Have you considered WFH one day a week or going down to 0.8 FTE? Most of the faculty I know either have a spouse with an incredible flexible job, or they work 0.8 FTE (although I think most switched after tenure so maybe that's not an option now). I think faculty is an incredibly demanding job if you don't LOVE it. You have such great training and there's so much else you could do. Maybe look into medical writing like you mentioned. It's certainly easier from a work-life balance perspective. I hope you are able to find help in the meantime and know that your job is valuable.
Are these physicians? We don't have options for our workload. It's a 3/3 teaching load (plus service and scholarship), or adjuncting. And the latter is definitely not worth it to me.
They are pharmacist but not clinical track; they are standard R1 tenured faculty. None of them have your course load, they have smaller loads with precepting responsibilities (with service and engagement). That would make a 0.8 tough for sure. I'm sorry that wasn't a good suggestion, it seems so common here!
You do have quite a commute. Is moving an option? Do you drive or train? If you train, can you use that for me time?
Hahahahaha, sorry, I couldn't resist:
rbp I'm sorry, long commutes suck. That was my commute time before my job change if nothing went wrong. If something went wrong -- which was a lot -- it was just a total ragefest.
Is Munchery in your city, or some other sort of meal delivery service that's cheaper than going to a restaurant but more expensive than cooking yourself? Can you do an easy weekday night out where you go to a fast-casual place near daycare and then go home and put M straight to bed? Is there any way you can queue up some work to do after M goes to bed? I find even just one night a week of WFH helps me feel less guilty about leaving work on the early side
Also I forget how old M is, but the 15-20 month range (I think you are in there?) was hard for us. Lots of random meltdowns, I think our behavior expectations were too high. It gets a lot better in a hurry once they can start putting together sentences and even remember a couple of things that happened during the day.
Long term I think the PP who suggested an au pair is onto something. It seems like it would really fit y'alls lifestyle.
Also I know some universities will let faculty with small children postpone teaching duty (or pull it forward but that's obvs not an option now). You might want to look into that if you think you could manage a higher teaching load a year from now.
I'm sorry you're struggling rbp. You've probably heard me say that years 1-2 of DNS life were the hardest for me. I felt like we were over the babyhood hump and trying to settle into a new normal. I had to really push back at my H to get him to see that just because I have the vagina doesn't mean I'm in charge of ALL things child related. It's still a frustration in our house, frankly.
Hang in there. Being a mom is hard. Working is hard. Add them together and some days it gets really overwhelming.
It sounds like moving would help--you can get two hours back in your day and your husband an hour! That's a big deal. And definitely getting a bit of nanny/housework help will be a big win.
And when all else fails, a good cry in a hot bath makes me feel a little better.
That sounds so stressful. One of the admins in our office has someone who comes to her house from 4-7pm every weekday. She cleans/laundry, picks the kids up from school helps with homework & cleans up the kitchen after dinner. (She would cook but my coworker likes to cook. I think I would like to cook to if I didn't have to clean up!). She found her through a nanny agency and pays her $16 a hour.
I'm also late to this, but I completely identify with your career woes. A TT-job is not something you can step away from temporarily and just come back later. For me, leaving my job would probably mean a lifetime on the adjunct tract, which is so stressful. Sometimes I feel cornered because I can't really take a break from my job.
But on hard days, try to keep in mind what you love about your job--for me, I really do love teaching, and advising students. And definitely brainstorm ways to make your life easier--say no to supervising a student (if you can), or decrease the amount of grading (I shifted a class from three blue book exams to two this semester, because I know it will make my life way easier). I also think that commute is probably making you really dislike your job, when it doesn't actually have to do with your work--I would fast-track buying a new house (a bigger house!) that would decrease your commute, even though you love your current neighborhood. I guarantee you'll love the extra hour a day that you aren't driving even more! And ditto all the suggestions to look for ways to throw money at the problem; hopefully you'll find an afternoon sitter soon.
Also, on the "why do I work" topic--It's different for me because I bring in just over 50% of our income, so my salary is vital. But I also work because if anything happened to H, I want to be able to support my family. Unfortunately, academia is not a friendly place for SAH PhDs who want to re-enter the workforce. Plus, I know you love things about your job, just like I do!
You have gotten lots of good feedback about continuing to work, and I think it's great. I just want to say that if you guys decide that you will take a break from working, that's okay too. Of course you've worked your ass off to get a PhD and you are changing lives with your work, and that is awesome. However, sometimes the work demands and economy of a particular family can make sense that one parent steps back. Maybe that's a discussion you guys should have now or in a few years.
I never ever saw myself as a stay at home parent with a law degree and professional experience and a previously decent salary (from a position I loved, no less) but here I am. I say I fell into it backwards because we moved and it kind of worked out that way. On the tough days at home, I think of how my mom died in her forties and how at the end of the day, I just want to be with my kids, and I know I am so, so lucky to have the chance. I don't discount that it happens, but my husband and I do not have issues with resentment and I do not feel somehow inferior not bringing in money. We are a team. Most days it really works for our whole family. It did take some getting used to, identity wise, and I don't know what the future holds, but four plus years in, I don't think I'd change a thing.