Birthday Party Invites

[mrssandro]

So DD is now in the age of having friends that she really wanted at her birthday party. She only likes a few of the girls and one boy in her class since she has been in school for only one month. So we make out the invites to just these people. I told her specifically that she needs to hand the invite herself. We wrote the names together and I know she can read them. Of course she gives them to the teacher and I get this lovely email: 

DD was so excited to bring invitations today. I couldn’t pass them out because there is a rule on the student handbook that says we can only pass out invites to the whole class or just boys/girls. Some of the students that weren’t invited were already a little sad. Plus one student is in another class. I know this makes it hard on you. I put all of the invites back into DD's folder.

Yep. I did a mama fail. I just did not have any other way to reach these parents to hand them a invite.  

[patbutcher]

How old is she? That will affect my answer.

[mannah]

On the mobile version--how old/what grade is it?

[SJ]

I think it's reasonable to ask you to mail them if you aren't inviting the whole class.

[mrssandro]

Sept 28, 2015 14:48:04 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

How old is she? That will affect my answer.

Kindergarten

She has been going to pre-school for the last couple of years. She has always given the invites to her teacher to hand out. I told her this morning she can't do this and she has to give the invite herself. 

[shamrockshake]

Yes our school has this rule, I understand it for school age kids

[countthestars]

Why not mail them? Or ask the teacher for parent email addressed?

[SpartanGirl]

Our elementary school has the same rule. I get why it exists but it does make things difficult.

Is there a school directory? Could the teacher reach out to the parents and give them your info? Last year I got an email from a teacher asking if it was okay to pass along my email address to someone for a birthday invite.

[mrssandro]

Sept 28, 2015 14:48:39 GMT -5 SJ said:

I think it's reasonable to ask you to mail them if you aren't inviting the whole class.

I would have mailed them gladly. That how I am sending to the kids not in her class. But new school and no play dates with these people so I did not have a way to reach them. 

[mannah]

I can see why the teacher will not hand out invitations to certain kids only. It actually seems like a bad idea to have your daughter hand them out because people's feelings are bound to get hurt. I would ask for a class list and email parents, or perhaps look for parents of her friends at drop off or pick up if you do this.

[SJ]

Sept 28, 2015 14:50:16 GMT -5 mrssandro said:

Sept 28, 2015 14:48:39 GMT -5 SJ said:

I think it's reasonable to ask you to mail them if you aren't inviting the whole class.

I would have mailed them gladly. That how I am sending to the kids not in her class. But new school and no play dates with these people so I did not have a way to reach them. 

Are school directories not a thing anymore?

I am very much on your side that your DD should be able to invite whoever she wants. No one should "have" to invite people they don't want at their birthday party to their birthday party. I just agree with the rule that it makes sense not to pass them out at school unless everyone is invited.

[mrssandro]

Sept 28, 2015 14:50:46 GMT -5 mannah said:

I can see why the teacher will not hand out invitations to certain kids only. It actually seems like a bad idea to have your daughter hand them out because people's feelings are bound to get hurt. I would ask for a class list and email parents, or perhaps look for parents of her friends at drop off or pick up if you do this.

Maybe I can ask for a email list. I would make it a lot easier if we had that. 

I doubt they would give me mailing addresses. 

[pinkdutchtulips]

This rule goes out to parents in the kinder packets they send before school even starts. Bc of this, they have a student directory that goes out w/in the first month of school. They get the directory info at registration day usually held a week before classes begin.

[mrssandro]

I am going to ask if there is such a directory. I never heard of this.

[hocus2]

Our school has a policy that they don't hand out invites in class unless there is one for anyone. It doesn't matter who hands them out (Student or teacher). I think our pre-k has it too but I don't know for sure.

Generally if you want to invite a select number of kids who have to do it at line up, pick up or with email/snail mail/phone etc.

We have a directory (it is email only) and it usually comes out a month after school starts. It makes fall birthdays problematic but there always seems to be issues getting it out. I have it and there is one name missing which is pretty good to be honest.

[Alyssa]

Yeah my daughter's Kindergarten class rule on paper invites is all or nothing.  You can do something like an Evite with only certain email addressses but no handing out a couple invites to kids and leaving others out.

Side story...
I was once left out of a class party by my neighbor.  Our families had a falling out a month earlier, so naturally I wasn't invited.  We were in 5th grade and a large group of classmates got dropped off by the bus at the top of our street and I got to walk home part way with all of them and then continue on by myself as they all went down her driveway.  It's a shitty feeling being left out so I wouldn't want to have my daughter's classmates be aware that they aren't invited to party.

[momin2013]

I said none of the above. I don't like the rule of having to invite the whole class, but I agree that they shouldn't be handed out IN class unless you're inviting the whole class.

I can see that it may be tricky to get the home addresses of the kids she wants to invite, but if you're only inviting certain kids I think the invites do need to be handled outside of school.

Would you be able to flag down any of the other parents at drop-off/pick-up somehow? If not, I wonder if the teacher might have a suggestion as to how you might contact the other parents...?

[mrssandro]

Lesson learned.

I get it I do. I don't want to hurt little kids feelings. I just know that DD is being extremely expressive with her feelings on a few of the kids in her class. I can tell her to invite everyone but this is her birthday and I don't see why we have to invite all 17 kids to her party.

It was easier when we did the drop off. But she goes to DC after school since it ends at 3:00 every day.

[hocus2]

Sept 28, 2015 14:56:52 GMT -5 mrssandro said:

Lesson learned.

I get it I do. I don't want to hurt little kids feelings. I just know that DD is being extremely expressive with her feelings on a few of the kids in her class. I can tell her to invite everyone but this is her birthday and I don't see why we have to invite all 17 kids to her party.

It was easier when we did the drop off. But she goes to DC after school since it ends at 3:00 every day.

You don't have to invite everyone to the party. You just can't use the classroom to distribute your invites. I know it is hard because it is early in the year, but the rule makes a lot of sense.

[mrssandro]

Yeah I get it. DH wants me now to invite the entire class. I think this will look worse if we try to do that.

I don't like the girl/boy thing either. Why is that ok? That still excludes people.

[spk926]

Just a heads up my district won't do directories because of privacy. Even if you have parents sign something agreeing to be in it. No directories at all.

I teach first grade and I explain this invitation rule at parent meeting night. I explain to the parents that I can't give out student information but a student can give out their own information. If your daughter, Jane, wants to invite Pam then have Jane ask Pam for her phone number. She can ask for her address but so few kids know that by first grade so phone number is safer. Then once Pam gives it to Jane, Jane can bring it home to you and you call the parent.

Yeah it's more steps and work but it's an easy work-around.

[ilikedonuts]

I would have asked your daughter to get the kids' phone number and then called the parents to ask for their address.

I've never heard of invites being passed out for only a couple kids.

[ilikedonuts]

BUT they should also tell all the parents at the beginning of the year what the rule is.

[redpenmama]

Our preschool has the same rule -- actually, they won't hand out invites period, even if the whole class is invited. They distribute a class list (with parents' permission) with parents' email addresses and mailing addresses for that purpose.

No reason to feel bad about what you did -- it was worth a shot, but I totally understand why the teachers don't want to distribute invites, especially since not everyone was invited. You certainly don't need to invite the whole class -- you just need to get the invites to the kids in another way. Could you get the mailing addresses from the teacher/school? Or do you have an email list and you could just email the details?

ETA: I realize not every school gives out that kind of contact info. Ours does, which simplifies things as far as this issue is concerned.

[h]

Our school will not distribute invites even if the whole class is invited. Our old preschool would do it if the whole class was invited but not if just some kids were. I agree with the rule and appreciate that they are trying to avoid hurt feelings at school.

I have always just mailed or emailed invites. Our school hands out paper directories and also maintains an online student database we can access via password.

[spk926]

Sept 28, 2015 15:05:20 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

BUT they should also tell all the parents at the beginning of the year what the rule is.

I bet there's a student handbook somewhere. Either on the school's website or emailed to parents and the rule is in there. So few parents ever look at that thing and then act shocked when I tell them a policy direct from that. I have limited time during parent night to go over information with them I have to pick and choose what's most important.

I mean maybe not, but a school not having a handbook that outlines school rules, procedures, start times, etc. is pretty odd.

[mrssandro]

Sept 28, 2015 15:05:20 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

BUT they should also tell all the parents at the beginning of the year what the rule is.

Apparently it is in the 100 page handbook that they don't give you anymore that you can get online. 

 

[Deleted]

Sept 28, 2015 15:05:20 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

BUT they should also tell all the parents at the beginning of the year what the rule is.

They did, in the handbook.

(Not that I have read my kid's handbook so I am not on a high horse about this. lol.)

mrssandro it's frustrating but I get and support the rule. Our school has a class and schoolwide directory that is really handy. Maybe yours does too?

Also random confession, talking about school directories reminds me of when I was 7 and learned what a crank call was and randomly called kids out of my elementary school directory when my mother wasn't looking to ask them if their refrigerator was running. OMG. I think I got all my crank call ideas out of Baby-Sitters Club books.

[mrssandro]

I am not going to lie. I knew the rule existed. I think I saw it once on here. But I thought that DD could be discrete and hand the invite to her group of friends it would not come up. Of course the plan failed and I screwed up by not looking at the rule more closely. I take responsibility for my fail. If I can't get the kids parents email/phone number I am going to just not invite them this time. We are still doing cupcakes for the entire class on her birthday.

[curbsideprophet]

Sept 28, 2015 14:48:39 GMT -5 SJ said:

I think it's reasonable to ask you to mail them if you aren't inviting the whole class.

Our daycare has this rule. I would certainly expect it to apply in elementary school.