Validate me

[ladygrey]

We came home from the hospital this afternoon at 3:30 pm. MIL and SIL called at 4:00 pm to say they were in the neighborhood (yeah right) and could they stop by for a visit and DH said okay (I think he felt guilty that they didn't get a chance to come visit when we were in the hospital). They ended up staying for almost an hour.

Then, as soon as MIL and SIL left, our neighbors texted to say they'd like to bring a meal over. DH texted back to say it wasn't a good time and could they come instead tomorrow, but they showed up at our door a few minutes later with food.

I am trying so hard not to be ungrateful that people want to visit and bring us food/gifts, but COME ON. Isn't it pretty rude to show up immediately after new parents get home from the hospital? (particularly after someone says it's not a good time, like the neighbors did). All I wanted was to take a long hot shower, lay down for a quick nap, and get settled back home, but instead I was playing hostess to visitors. DH insists that it's not a big deal and we should just enjoy it. 

Please validate me, MMM.

[spankswife]

I get it, I like/prefer to be alone.

But a grandma and a neighbor w/ food... Kinda hard to turn down. Keeping the visit to an hour or less is fair. Plus they were probably just excited bc it's the first day.

[tiptoetulips]

You are so validated that's not ok! I'm sorry.

[VillainV]

Your ILs? Eh, they asked and your H said okay.....

The neighbors? I might drop food off on the porch and text them that I left dinner, but absolutely would not knock or ring if I was told it wasn't a good time.

[anna7602]

How long did the neighbors stay? I could see wanting to drop something off quickly and just jetting out, but if they wanted to do a proper visit and kept you from sleeping or walking around in pajamas or whatever, then no no no.

I won't weigh in on the MIL & SIL thing because families are crazy and well, they're in a different category!

[origami]

It took me too long to realize this but you don't have to be the hostess when you have a new baby. You really don't. If you want a shower or nap you can just take one.

[kdubs923]

As an introvert, I hate visitors. Especially drop in visitors, even if they are bringing food. Add in, newly home from the hospital? I say inconsiderate, though I'd allow the MIL a short visit because that would make my life easier.

Food and presents will still be good tomorrow/this weekend!

[chickens987]

You're right. Next time, be in your bedroom "nursing" the baby the whole time.

However, I don't see the need to play hostess either. When people came to my house after I had dd, I sat on the sofa. If someone else offered them a drink, fine, but I wasn't going to do it.

[ladygrey]

anna7602 - they stayed almost 1/2 hour. I had dinner in the oven and was waiting for them to leave so we could eat. They are going to be first-time parents in a few months, so I think they are a little clueless about the protocol for visiting new parents.

origami - I didn't want to be rude and make it seem like I was avoiding them. I need to be better about being too nice.

[anaps28]

Oct 1, 2015 19:39:52 GMT -5 origami said:

It took me too long to realize this but you don't have to be the hostess when you have a new baby. You really don't. If you want a shower or nap you can just take one.

So much this. Do what you need to do. Your visitors just want to see the baby sadly I feel like the mom is an after thought. I would have your H run interference on who is stopping by and you should be resting.

[ECB]

The neighbors were rude. They should have left it on the front porch and texted you that the food was there. To knock and stay a 1/2 hour after being told it was a bad time is just rude.

[namasteak]

Team yoy

[ECB]

I'm impressed that you made dinner your first night home!

[spk926]

I'd be tempted to do the same thing back to the neighbors when they become parents in a few months.


But then I would feel so guilty because I know how much it sucks so I wouldn't. But I would WANT to!

[ladygrey]

Oct 1, 2015 19:53:25 GMT -5 ECB said:

I'm impressed that you made dinner your first night home!

Freezer meal FTW!

[ladygrey]

Oct 1, 2015 19:54:47 GMT -5 @starry said:

Were they unavailable to visit while you were in the hospital or not invited? If not invited, did your family visit?

Regardless you are technically in the right. But I can't fault your in laws for asking. I can fault your husband for not shutting it down if it was against your wishes.

The neighbors sound idiotic.

All of our parents were invited/welcome to come see us in the hospital - ILs were going to come yesterday but MIL had a migraine and didn't feel up for a visit. My parents came with DD twice.

[starburst]

That's annoying that your neighbors would show up after being told it's not a good time. My ILs came over the night we got home from the hospital and stayed until 9:30 at night. They had visited in the hospital too, so it's not like they hadn't seen the baby yet. Plus they ate all the cookies that someone had brought us. I was so pissed.

[curbsideprophet]

The neighbors should have dropped off the meal and left. Even if they stayed to chat with DH you have taken your shower and nap. No need to play hostess.

[countthestars]

I would be annoyed at the neighbors but not at your ILs.

[pinotgrig]

Oct 1, 2015 19:45:08 GMT -5 @stilljustash said:

i will always be on your side on this issue. yes, your MIL called and asked, but she also said they were in the neighborhood which pretty much put your H in the position to NOT be able to say no.

you just gave birth. it's a LOT to have multiple people stop by within hours of finally getting back on your own turf. i'm sorry. i'd be upset, too.

I'm here. It sounds like everyone's intentions were good but dang. I hope you're enjoying your peace and quiet now.

[origami]

Oct 1, 2015 19:45:33 GMT -5 ladygrey said:

anna7602 - they stayed almost 1/2 hour. I had dinner in the oven and was waiting for them to leave so we could eat. They are going to be first-time parents in a few months, so I think they are a little clueless about the protocol for visiting new parents.

origami - I didn't want to be rude and make it seem like I was avoiding them. I need to be better about being too nice.

totally understand and I was the same way. I had a friend come over unannounced at 8pm when my twins were like 4days old. She stayed so long I literally fell asleep while she was talking. It took me over a month to realize no one cared what I did. This is one of the only times you get a pass on everything so make liberal use of it while it lasts!

[h]

The neighbors were super rude. Coming after someone specifically says it's not a good time? What?

I have a harder time faulting grandma, although I would be really annoyed she didn't come to the hospital then came at a less convenient time.

[oceanstbride]

Team you! It's very sweet of your neighbors to have a meal already for you, but there's a difference between a 5-10 minute drop off/literal look at the baby and staying for an hour. Even your ILs...I can understand them wanting to see the baby since they weren't able to come to the hospital, but at least give you a few hours at home before coming over!

[redheadk]

Team you. That "oh, we are in the neighborhood" business is obnoxious.

[Ashley&Scott]

Your IL's definitely jumped in a little too soon, but YH also told them they could stop over. I'm guessing your neighbors didn't see the reply text before they arrived & probably felt terrible when they got home.

I would be overwhelmed too, but please don't feel like you have to entertain these people. Don't let them stop you from showering or napping. If someone stops by & it's not a good time say hi for a few minutes then retreat to your room to do whatever you had already planned. Don't be afraid to cut a visit short too & gently but firmly send them home.

[mrssandro]

I understand the no visitors thing..

But free food and grandparents and permission from your husband seems okay. It will die down ultimately and the visits will be much less.

[mrshandy]

Team you

Your neighbors should have just dropped off the food and left. In fact your H should haven't let them in. He should have just cracked open the door and repeated that it wasn't a good time. Voila!

But in reality I'm timid in these situations and wouldn't want to piss anybody off.

[Elsa]

I'm glad you posted this. Our neighbor/friends are coming home from the hospital with their newborn tonight and I am chomping at the bit to see him. He is their 4th, so I KNOW she will have her hands full. I'm going to stay back for the weekend. Maybe I'll see if she wants some down time next week while the older kids are in school. I could take a few hours off work, watch her baby so she can nap/shower/whatever.

Its good to be reminded about this stuff sometimes. Mine is almost 4yo and I've forgotten some of this.

[mlt]

Unless I'm misreading, none of that sounds unreasonable to me. MIL met her grandchild for the first time, yes? And only stayed an hour? I mean . . . that seems really respectful actually.

And the neighbors obviously already had the food. I wouldn't be able to reject that favor.

If you're not feeling well you should feel free to excuse yourself to take a shower and a nap. They will handle the baby for a bit, I'm sure.

[barefootcontessa]

I would not have come to the door when the neighbors came. I would have my DH thank them and say we will call them to arrange a visit once things are settled. So that solves that problem.

re: ILs. If they have not seen yet seen the baby, I think they should be able to stop by within reason, which I consider an hour to be. Again, if I was not feeling up to it, I would have had my DH take the baby for a visit and continue resting in my room.