In this day and age of social media, I can understand how feelings get hurt.
You see your friends with other friends (even friends who are also your friends), and you wince because you weren't a part of it.
It happens to the best of us.
But I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I know they still like me, but sometimes smaller groups are better. Or their children's ages are closer. Or I'm too far away to be invited.
Or whatever.
You can't live life wondering if people dislike you or lamenting missed invitations.
Be confident! And, if people really do exclude you (or your child), fuck 'em. Make new friends.
I think people are giving you a break, and you aren't listening.
It's okay to feel a little off about these situations. But logistically, this is SO normal and commonplace.
If it comes up again, I think you should tell your daughter that she probably wasn't invited because it seems to have been a party for mostly school friends. If she tries to pick it apart, stop her, and reassure her that it's okay that she wasn't invited. That it will not be the first time, and that this doesn't make her any less of a friend to said neighbor.
I understand feeling protective if your kid. I do. I've run into a couple situations where I felt DS would be upset.
What I've learned - sometimes he didn't even notice. Sometimes he didn't care. Sometimes he seemed to be briefly upset. But Id always try to be chill about it, explain it simply and then move on.
Kids are a lot more resilient than I think we sometimes give them credit for.
If it's an age thing, I totally get it. This friend is a professor of child psychology. She has never had a hard time talking to me about anything. Our kids all go to each others parties and it's been that way for years. It's the lack of discussion about it that has me miffed and kind of hurt.
Also, I know she can't be invited to everything. There have been several outings that she wasn't invited to with these girls and I didn't bat an eyelash because those things happen but not being invited to a birthday party makes me a little sad.
A slumber party is a bit different from a day party though. When it comes to 'why wasn't I/my child invited' talks sometimes parents just don't want to talk about it and would rather hope that all parties involved would be understanding. Even 5 1/2 to 6 1/2 is different. The relationships could be different even more so that you know or realize.
This sounds bad but it was her party and she should be able to have whoever she wants. The fact that you've always gone to each others parties tells me this is more about the slumber part even more so than a day party that lasts a few hours.
I'd let it go and be understanding that if there's a 'cover up' it's because they want to spare your feelings. As you've noted you're a bit hurt and I'm sure perhaps they've noticed or think that this is how you'd feel?
If they told you upfront would it have made things better? If she didn't want you to know about it she could have hid her photos from you all together. So she knows you know and likely hopes it'll be fine.
Post by ladystardust on Oct 5, 2015 13:18:55 GMT -5
It's just not coming across as malicious or sneaky to me. It's an awkward situation and people react to these things differently. Just because they didn't do what you would do doesn't mean it's wrong.
My guess is they felt bad your kid wasn't on the list and decided the best approach was just to not talk to you about a party she isn't invited too. This is probably new territory for them too. So I'd try and cut them some slack, even though it did sting for you.
In your shoes I would just ask how the party went and it looked like her kid had a good time. Maybe it will show them that it's cool with you to bring up events your kid is not invited to.
But did you see the moms recently before this? I don't think a special call is necessary.. people are busy.. how frequently do you get together with the moms? I'm imaging our close friends we see weekly doing this.
I chatted with the birthday girl's mom on the phone Tuesday night and then we walked together Wed, Thurs, & Friday morning. Our walk is about an hour long so plenty of time to mention it.
I guess maybe she just felt awkward about it too. I don't know.
But did you see the moms recently before this? I don't think a special call is necessary.. people are busy.. how frequently do you get together with the moms? I'm imaging our close friends we see weekly doing this.
I chatted with the birthday girl's mom on the phone Tuesday night and then we walked together Wed, Thurs, & Friday morning. Our walk is about an hour long so plenty of time to mention it.
I guess maybe she just felt awkward about it too. I don't know.
If the roles were reversed how would you approach this situation? Do you truly feel it's easy to say to a friend "Hey I'm sorry but we're excluding your child from our birthday party" with that statement usually comes the need to explain. There is no easy way to approach this situation, there is no easy way to break it to a friend nor IMHO is it okay to say to someone. I mean what a way to dampen the mood and walk. There was no easy way to spare your child's feelings in all of this either. She would have heard about it either way and likely would have wondered what she did when she heard S be excited about the party.
It just seems messy honestly, and I think they handled it the best way they could. Hoping you'd be understanding and see the reasoning behind why it happened. This couldn't have been a huge shock as I'm sure you know roughly when her birthday is. My guess is they know you really well and with they they likely can gauge pretty well how you'd respond to something like this. I think they were being kind in not bothering to even mention it and making things awkward.
I didn't read all of the other replies yet. I get your feelings. One of the worse feelings is when your kid is excluded. That being said, 5.5 and 8 is a huge difference. I am sure the parents weren't sure how to handle it either. My DS didn't get invited to his best friend's party bc he is a boy and, she had a girly theme. It was at a playground, too, so nothing over the top girly. I was heartbroken for him. We go to all of their parties, baptisms, etc. The mom DID send me a text beforehand and it was so awkward. I don't think there is any way to handle it that wouldn't be hurtful to a mom.
I just really think they felt your DD was too young for a slumber party (I pretty much agree) and weren't sure how to handle it. This is prob new territory for them. I'd just go about business, as usual, with them.
ETA: I read some replies. First, I wouldn't put too much weight in the lack of pics of S. My DS never makes it into pics from parties. I have no clue why. Second, I opened my big, fat mouth about a party in front of a mom whose DD wasn't invited and I felt like shit. The mom kind of gave a look, too. I am sure the other mom feels weird, too. My friends and I have been talking about how our kids are now at the age where they are more selective (my DS is 6) about who they want at their parties. While I am sure the birthday girl and your DD are buddies, she may see her as a baby (my DS would) and feel silly bringing her around her older friends. This is not personal against your DD. I think it's just one of those things. I would just encourage your DD to make friends with kids her age. I am encouraging my DS to make friends with boys at school bc I see him being excluded from his girlfriends lately, as expected.
Birthday parties suck! As do the shitty FB updates when you notice your kid was excluded and you start dreading those awful feelings of exclusion you get when your kid finds out. It's mama bear trigger, and at least you are (irrationally) upset with your friend. I was mad with the innocent 7 y.o. who overnight became a mean girl that was put on my "most likely to be a bad influence in high school" list. Lol.
There is no way to bring up that your kid is having a party and excluding your kid. I think it is also a snowball lie of omission. Like, you don't want to talk about planning it, because that is rude, so you don't mention it. Then it is the day and you made a point to be quiet so you just keep on keeping on. I would swallow my pride and ask if she survived a houseful of girls unscathed and then let it go. She *might* even gush about missing your kid,. Sorry your feelings are hurt.
How is this any different from seeing pictures of a friend's wedding that you weren't invited to, but another friend was? It's not. The fact is, you can't always invite everyone you might like to invite for a variety of reasons and nobody owes anyone else an explanation as to who they did or didn't invite.
DD had a party recently. I felt like we could only have X number of kids comfortably in our house. I let DD pick which kids and I included one additional girl because she was the only other girl in DD's class and I didn't want her to feel excluded. But there were lots of kids (and parents) we like a lot who we didn't invite because we just didn't have the room. We still like them, we still want to be friends. It means nothing other than one night. I would never expect a 5 year old to be invited to a drop-off party of an 8 year old.
I have zero intentions of bringing it up and asking the friend. What's done is done and I know I need to move on. I LIKE these friends.
and Sue Sue, I think I have said "I get it" over 4 times now.
I'm good. The feelings are a little raw so that's why I posted. It's brand new to me and in the future I wont put this much emotional stock in a kids party.
I get the inclination to feel second-hand-slighted, but it's nbd. At this point, I would want to end the awkwardness and just say "The girls looked like they had so much fun! I hope you don't feel like you can't talk about it just because DD wasn't there. You know I completely understand, right?" I mean, assuming you are truly very close friends, I'd want my friend to know that she didn't have to feel weird about it or avoid the topic, because it really isn't a big deal!
I get the inclination to feel second-hand-slighted, but it's nbd. At this point, I would want to end the awkwardness and just say "The girls looked like they had so much fun! I hope you don't feel like you can't talk about it just because DD wasn't there. You know I completely understand, right?" I mean, assuming you are truly very close friends, I'd want my friend to know that she didn't have to feel weird about it or avoid the topic, because it really isn't a big deal!
Assuming they are truly close friends that hang out nearly everyday, this seems fine. For an acquaintance or casual friend? No.
But why even open that door? Why be that person to make a situation entirely awkward... This will serve no other purpose then to make her feel like crap for not inviting her kid. She knows she didn't invite her so any inquiry about how the party went is going to seem underhanded.
I truly think sometimes as close friends you just need to let it go.
I get the inclination to feel second-hand-slighted, but it's nbd. At this point, I would want to end the awkwardness and just say "The girls looked like they had so much fun! I hope you don't feel like you can't talk about it just because DD wasn't there. You know I completely understand, right?" I mean, assuming you are truly very close friends, I'd want my friend to know that she didn't have to feel weird about it or avoid the topic, because it really isn't a big deal!
Please, no one take this advice.
They spend an hour per day together and talk on the phone, but the friend obviously felt too awkward to bring up the party. I'd want to nip that awkwardness in the bud. I'm picturing the next walk with them both avoiding the standard-Monday question of "how was your weekend?" I'd rather just make sure friend knew there was no need for awkwardness.
Ditto the other posters that said it's time to be prepared for this to start happening more. I know your DD isn't quite there yet, with the parties where *she* picks the guest list, but 7 or 8 is definitely when you stop having parties with everyone you know and your kid picks the guests.
Also, I think the reason it stings so much, is because *you* were excluded, too. The other moms are your friends (you are probably better friends than the kids are), and they were at the day part of the party, I think you said.
Post by InBetweenDays on Oct 5, 2015 14:22:59 GMT -5
Chiming in late here, but I think it is fine to talk about the party (if it comes up in the larger context of your weekends). However I wouldn't say anything about your DD not being invited. I'd stick with something like "Photos from B's party looked fun - you're a braver mom than I to have that many girls sleep over!". I think being casual about it can let her know it's ok for her to talk about it and you aren't upset.
I totally get why you would feel sad DD wasn't included. And I know myself with my close friends if our kids aren't that close but I see my friends often I'd probably say something like "I am having DDs party its a sleepover and we had to keep the guest list small " I can see why the whole situation bothered you. But I can also see your friends point. She doesn't "owe" it to you but I guess ya I would expect that from a friend too
Post by birdistheword on Oct 5, 2015 14:38:50 GMT -5
She GETS IT. She understands why her kid was not invited and also understands that her kid will not be invited to everything. But don't try to tell me the way her friend went about this situation isn't bizarre, lol. "No one owes anyone anything" and yada, yada, yada. But COME ON - you talk to your very close friends about things like this. You don't try to hide it like a total weirdo.
I should probably add more to the story too of why I'm so surprised she kept quiet.
Her son's 10th birthday was last month. They had one of those game trucks over to their house. While on our walk she mentioned the party and was very very apologetic that she couldn't include the kids. I totally laughed at her and told her that she did not need to worry about including my little kids to his big boy party.
She knows I'm easy breezy about this stuff and has made me aware of past parties.
This one? Dead silent. I just thought that was strange for her. She's always been super open with me. I could have and would have totally handled it.
I'm thinking way too much about her lack of discussion obviously but our conversations have never been awkward. Including the time that her and our mutual friends kid "s" had a Disneyland date together.
So wait, she DID do what you wanted for the party last month and it was all fine?
I'm guessing she probably (logically) assumed you would understand this is that same thing and wouldn't be upset since you weren't the last time it happened.
Do you really expect her to go to the effort of doing this spiel with you every single time?
yeah, this is what I'm taking from this. she's addressed this with you before and doesn't feel she needs to bring it up every time. She feels you'll be fine with it.
Certain variations of this has happened in my neighborhood. We've discussed how every kid can't be invited to every party. Period. No one feels the need to continuously bring it up. We're all on the same page.
I totally laughed at her and told her that she did not need to worry about including my little kids to his big boy party.
You should have told her then that you do care and that you wish she would feel open to talking to you about it. Instead you faked being breezy. This is on you man...
This makes me not want to have any parties anymore.
We had quite a large party for the kid's first birthday.
The second birthday will not be like that.
And now I have to think about hurt feelings and shit?
No thanks.
This is one of the reasons I'm done with that shit. But mostly, it was the non-stop list of people asking if a sibling could come. Oh yes everyone! Bring ALL the siblings! I'm on unlimited funds here so let's whoop it up.
You should have told her then that you do care and that you wish she would feel open to talking to you about it. Instead you faked being breezy. This is on you man...
But OP doesn't really have any place to "care" about who her friends kids want to invite to their own party.
Her friends do not need to "talk to her" about why her kids aren't invited to each event, or why the kid having the birthday wanted to invite other people.
It doesn't sound like any of the kids are the same age, the expectation that because the Moms are friends that the kids need to invite each other is ridiculous.
If she is BFF with this lady it seems weird that didn't talk about the birthday. If she wanted to hear about all the details of her BFF big kid birthday parties she had her opportunity to speak up here. Otherwise she set the precedent that she DGAF so no big deal. It's mixed messages.
I get the inclination to feel second-hand-slighted, but it's nbd. At this point, I would want to end the awkwardness and just say "The girls looked like they had so much fun! I hope you don't feel like you can't talk about it just because DD wasn't there. You know I completely understand, right?" I mean, assuming you are truly very close friends, I'd want my friend to know that she didn't have to feel weird about it or avoid the topic, because it really isn't a big deal!
Its fine for her to say "did your DD have a good time at her party?" or something like that, but please do not throw in the comment pointing out that your DD was not invited. That is....weird.
Post by InBetweenDays on Oct 5, 2015 15:12:14 GMT -5
Maybe she thought the conversation about her son's party covered the bases for future situations. Maybe she felt more awkward bringing it up this time because your daughters are slightly closer in age than your daughter and her son. Whatever the case, if I were her I would hope my good friend would understand the trickiness of navigating social events when our kids start having opinions of who they want at their parties. And I'd hope my good friend would interpret any lack of communication about this party as trying to be sensitive or feeling awkward, rather than interpreting it as excluding their daughter and trying to stage an elaborate cover up.