My DD is being excluded.

[speckledfrog]

I think these kinds of things happen. The "cover up" is likely an attempt to spare your feelings and not something more sinister.

[mrssandro]

If you are good friends with the parents can you ask them why she was excluded? 5 1/2 is a little young for a slumber party so maybe it was age thing.

[Elsa]

5.5 and 8 is a BIG difference. Kindy and third grade? I think this isn't a big deal. (ETA: the fact that she wasn't invited)

We are super close with our neighbors and always invite all of them to our bday parties, but this year M wasn't invited to two of their kids parties...they were at the portrait painting place, and M isn't ready for that. And M is almost 4 and her kids are 6 and 8. I wasn't hurt....at this point they start inviting their closest friends from school and that is usually about it.

[keyslover]

I am sorry.
I would be more upset about the covering it up. I don't buy the BS about sparing your feelings. You are an adult, you can handle it. You could also have a talk with DD so she knows what is going on.

[mrssandro]

Oct 5, 2015 12:06:38 GMT -5 keyslover said:

I am sorry.
I would be more upset about the covering it up. I don't buy the BS about sparing your feelings. You are an adult, you can handle it. You could also have a talk with DD so she knows what is going on.

I would not talk to DD about it. I wouldn't make it a big deal. They usually move on from this type of stuff if you don't make it a big deal. 

[atlas]

I think the non-invitation is normal enough. It is a fairly large age difference. But all the secrets are kinda odd. I'd probably just say something addressing the secrets and not so much being offended that your daughter was excluded.

[miso]

Smack!

The kid is eight. Your kid is five.

No eight-year-old wants "babies" at her slumber party.

It's truly nothing personal.

Try your best to think about when you were eight!

[jeaniebueller]

I can totally understand your feelings being hurt. But try not to take it personally, I am guessing its the age gap and maybe a combination of having her older friends over. And don't mention it to DD if she hasn't mentioned being bothered by it!

[8675309]

If it's an age thing, I totally get it. This friend is a professor of child psychology. She has never had a hard time talking to me about anything. Our kids all go to each others parties and it's been that way for years. It's the lack of discussion about it that has me miffed and kind of hurt.

Also, I know she can't be invited to everything. There have been several outings that she wasn't invited to with these girls and I didn't bat an eyelash because those things happen but not being invited to a birthday party makes me a little sad.

[4speedy]

My DD is 9. When I think back to the differences in her interests and maturity between 5 and 8, it was HUGE. There's no way she should have been invited to a 8 yo slumber party when she was in kindly. I would not feel bad about that at all. And it sounds like your friends are going to great lengths to not hurt your DD's feelings. It might be a bit misguided but it really does sound like their hearts are in the right place.

[keyslover]

Oct 5, 2015 12:08:00 GMT -5 mrssandro said:

Oct 5, 2015 12:06:38 GMT -5 keyslover said:

I am sorry.
I would be more upset about the covering it up. I don't buy the BS about sparing your feelings. You are an adult, you can handle it. You could also have a talk with DD so she knows what is going on.

I would not talk to DD about it. I wouldn't make it a big deal. They usually move on from this type of stuff if you don't make it a big deal. 

No, now. I meant beforehand if they would have been forthcoming with the party details.
Hey- your dd isn't invited because it's older kids blah blah blah. Then, if dd's friend mentioned the party, there is a reasonable explanation to tell Dd. not to make a big deal about it.

You aren't always going to be invited to every party.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

I don't think it was personal. It probably had to do with the age difference as other people have stated. I do think it was a bit much to omit pictures in order to "hide" it from you, though. They could have just explained why she wasn't invited if they thought it was necessary. Going through all that trouble to cover it up seems silly. It's their choice who they invite to a party.

[8675309]

When you're good friends, a conversation goes a long way.

"Hey Jenn, So B is having a sleepover this weekend. I hope you understand why we couldn't invite P. She's probably a little too young for this setting but we just wanted to you to know in advance so no feelings were hurt."

DONE and DONE.

No Feelings hurt.

[tinkerbell]

There's a big age gap between 5.5 and 8. I was probably 4 or 5 the first time I spent the night at someone else's house and I still (after 30+ years) remember being freaked out and scared to fall asleep because my parents had "left" me there without telling me they weren't coming back for me that night.

[eddy]

IDK once we had just a boy party and I didn't invite a good friends daughter. I didn't reach out to specifically say "hey only dudes at this party." I hope she didn't think I was a jerk. I certainly wasn't excluding, but some times you need to limit the party list.

[wannabe]

i just got through the bean's birthday, during which she decided not to do a party but instead wanted to take some of her school friends to knott's berry farm for the day. i didn't know how to tell a few of our friends who we always celebrate birthdays with that we were doing this, so we just...didn't. there really isn't a good way to tell someone "we're doing a celebration for her birthday, but sorry, you aren't invited because your kid won't fit in." i felt terrible, but we did a playdate last weekend with one of those friends and had a great time. hopefully there aren't any hurt feelings.

[mrssandro]

Oct 5, 2015 12:11:53 GMT -5 keyslover said:

Oct 5, 2015 12:08:00 GMT -5 mrssandro said:

I would not talk to DD about it. I wouldn't make it a big deal. They usually move on from this type of stuff if you don't make it a big deal. 

No, now. I meant beforehand if they would have been forthcoming with the party details.
Hey- your dd isn't invited because it's older kids blah blah blah. Then, if dd's friend mentioned the party, there is a reasonable explanation to tell Dd. not to make a big deal about it.

You aren't always going to be invited to every party.

I wouldn't then either. Honestly my near 6 year old would be more sad if she was aware of the situation. I would just ignore the event and hope it's not mentioned. If was mentioned I would just again pass it off as a no big deal thing. 

[speckledfrog]

I find it difficult to believe your feelings wouldn't have been hurt if she had called you in the first place. Perhaps that just projecting on my part. I also don't think calling someone to tell them that you are going to do something fun but that their kid is totally not invited to the fun is the right way to go, either.

I see why you are hurt and I think I will be when this inevitably happens to me. No one like to be left out. No one wants to have their kid be the one left out. It's a tough life lesson to deal with.

[atlas]

Oct 5, 2015 12:14:41 GMT -5 8675309 said:

When you're good friends, a conversation goes a long way.

"Hey Jenn, So B is having a sleepover this weekend. I hope you understand why we couldn't invite P. She's probably a little too young for this setting but we just wanted to you to know in advance so no feelings were hurt."

DONE and DONE.

No Feelings hurt.

I think this might be a bit much. But your H was over there hours before the party. I'm sure something could have been said to make it not seem like they were being exclusive.

[8675309]

OK, you guys are right. She didn't owe me an explanation.
I guess I just need to get over it.

SEE I TOLD YOU I NEEDED TO BE SMACKED!

[Mrs. ChanandlerBong]

I'm guessing your DD wasn't on the birthday girl's list of friends to invite.

As the parent of an older elementary child, I can say it's hard to dance that line. Her friends now are not the same as the ones whose mothers are my friends. She is close to my best friend's daughter, but they get invited to the family party not the friend party. Does it suck for you that the other neighborhood girl was there, absolutely, but I doubt it was anything nefarious. It's highly likely your friends were trying to spare your feelings and got caught in the social media trap.

[jinkies]

Oct 5, 2015 12:14:41 GMT -5 8675309 said:

When you're good friends, a conversation goes a long way.

"Hey Jenn, So B is having a sleepover this weekend. I hope you understand why we couldn't invite P. She's probably a little too young for this setting but we just wanted to you to know in advance so no feelings were hurt."

DONE and DONE.

No Feelings hurt.

 
I feel like this would be even more awkward! 

We have a big group of neighborhood friends. We mix and match for get-togethers, because there are just too many people now for everyone to be invited. We don't inform the folks we are not inviting to any given event. We all know that no one has room in their house for the full neighborhood. 

I understand the initial response to be hurt, but in the big picture, I really don't think this was mean spirited. 

[franklin]

sometimes we get more hurt/upset than our kids and it hardly registers for them. i'm sure she's fine, she has lots of slumber parties in her future!

[panbitch]

My kid is 5 and ends up in my bed EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I can't see sending her to a slumber party and not getting a 1am phone call, even a year from now. I assume P wasn't invited because of her age.

[keyslover]

Oct 5, 2015 12:18:21 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Oct 5, 2015 12:14:41 GMT -5 8675309 said:

When you're good friends, a conversation goes a long way.

"Hey Jenn, So B is having a sleepover this weekend. I hope you understand why we couldn't invite P. She's probably a little too young for this setting but we just wanted to you to know in advance so no feelings were hurt."

DONE and DONE.

No Feelings hurt.

Or you could just understand that 3yrs, at that stage in life, is really big and understand why you're 5yr old wasn't invited.

But she didn't know until after the fact, that is what the main issue is (I think) for her.  Not that her dd wasn't invited because of the age difference, just that everyone is keeping hush hush about the party.

[knx9211]

Everyone can't be invited to everything.
This is ridiculous.
No one has to call you because your kid wasn't invited to something.
I agree with everyone else.

[keyslover]

Oct 5, 2015 12:20:17 GMT -5 8675309 said:

OK, you guys are right. She didn't owe me an explanation.
I guess I just need to get over it.

SEE I TOLD YOU I NEEDED TO BE SMACKED!

I will defend you or maybe I need to be smacked too

I get it, no big deal she wasn't invited to the party.  It happens.  But, the secrecy surrounding it is bothersome.  I get that.  

ETA- I am thinking of my relationships with close friends and kids.  I think it does depend on the circle of friends and the norms.

[ladystardust]

I agree that the sleepover was probably a big factor in their decision but I would also try and mentally prepare for exclusions to increase as they get older. I had an older neighbor friend with a similar gap that I loooved playing with. As we got older it's natural that her friend group changed and she didn't want to hang with me as much (including basic birthday parties).

Now, It really strikes me as awesome that she played with me as much as she did growing up (and we still chat occasionally). It's not something I would expect most kids to want to do. I guess I'm trying to say that this might be the beginning of a drifting apart and that's kind of just a natural thing with that age gap.

[frlcb]

By 8 it is usually the kids who pick who comes to their parties. My 7.5 year old would not be happy if i told him he could have a party but the 5 year old neighbor had to be invited.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't expect a 5.5 year old to be invited to a sleepover with 8+ year olds, however, if I were that close I would definitely think that someone would have mentioned the party over the course of conversation. I'm sorry you feel slighted and excluded. But, I would definitely ask your friend about it and not just stew and create even more animosity.