People whose H's work all the time

[Elsa]

Can you give me ideas on how to support my H?

He is working 70-80 hour work weeks right now. 14hour week days, plus another 8 on Saturday and 5ish on Sundays. He is in oil and gas, and they laid off two controllers and gave all their work to H. And he is managing all their people- a team of almost 40. He's drowning.

It's been a while since we did this, and M was a baby. I feel like I've forgotten how to be supportive. I'm really trying to not complain about the hours. I miss him. And I miss tag teaming kid stuff at home. But I haven't said anything since I know he would rather be home too. I sent him job listings that I thought he might be interested in (because he mentioned he wanted to look), and I told him I would put his resume together if he just wrote out what he actually does (cause I have no idea). He just hasn't had time yet.

What else can I be doing? He switched fields from tax accounting to o&g because it was less hours. He took a pay cut when he switched, but whatever, it was worth it when it was 8-5. He got a slight bump when they reassigned him to the controllers job (without the title), but he is still making less than half of what ONE of those controllers was making. He is so so frustrated and I don't know how to help.

I can't even put out because of the waiting period between IVF and pg test. lol

[rupertpenny]

My H doesn't usually work that much, but I just try to take care of everything else to the best of my ability and not bother him so he can focus on work.

I have a lot of help though.

[kath16]

My H coaches a fall sport so this is seasonal for us, but something that seemed to encourage my H in season was just taking care of meals. Having dinner ready whenever he got home, having some of his favorites from the grocery store ready to get packed for breakfast/lunch/snack during the day. I "sacrificed" my "treat money" out of our budget so he could stop and get food guilt free whenever he needed/wanted to. Small stuff like that. I also SAH so it might be easier for me to do stuff like that than others.

[W.T.Faulkner]

FI works a lot, but we don't have kids. He works almost every Friday and Saturday night of the year, which is hard on me and him.

When I miss him, we text as much as we can, and I do try to have the fridge stocked for him so he can just get what he wants when he comes home at, like, 4 am. lol I take care of most of the cleaning as well during the weekend so he has low-maintenance chores to do during the week.  Sundays are "our" days, so we both try to take care of errands before then.

[dove]

My h works a lot and is in charge of 13 worldwide locations. Is not unusual for him to be on a conference call at 9 pm with his Singapore location. This happened last night, actually.
Granted, we don't have kids, but I try to give him his time to decompress, for him it's 30 minutes on the elliptical upstairs. I have to remind myself that he needs his time too.
We try to contact each other several times a day vida text, just to feel connected.
I'm sorry. I can truly sympathize. At least now,he's not working out of town as much as he used to; and when he does, i can travel with bc I'm not working.
Hang in there!

[AuntFlo]

My H was in O&G until he got laid off in April. When he was working a lot I would just try to get as much taken care of at home as I could so he could just come home and rest without worrying about what needs to be done. I wanted to make home his sanctuary.

The main things were stuff like mowing the lawn (or paying to have it done) and making sure laundry was done so he had clean clothes. Having a meal plan done so I could have all of the groceries already on hand and make meals easily. I would also make huge batches of stuff so that we were able to eat on it for a week.

Just be there for him. Be someone he can vent to and try to be understanding if he gets snappy or cranky from being tired. That was a big one for me.

Try to take care of yourself as well and just duck you head and put one foot in front of the other. This will end someday.

[mnp555]

I'm in a slightly different boat than you because my husband tolerates working all the time as an investment in our future. But 80-100 hr weeks just grind on everyone. here are some things I do that help:

Whenever I get angry that he is away so much, I try to talk it through with someone else-- not him-- to get to a place where I am not mad anymore. I really try to make him not feel guilty for not being here. I know if he could change it and still achieve his goals, he would. I also try constantly to remind myself that while it can suck for me, the situation can suck for him too. That's hard to remember but helps so much!

I have taken over everything non-work related so that when he is home he is not doing chores or other things. It's pure family time. I also pawn off the kid-related tasks I've found most irritating that week on him during the weekends so that I'm less burnt out come Monday. For example, if she cried during every bath M-F, I tell him on F that baths are his this weekend. They are novelties for him and it gives me a tiny break. It also helps because then he knows he can wfh in the morning but he needs to be ready to go at bath time.

It's really hard. I feel for you. Do you have a local support system to get YOU a break? It helps my husband if I'm not a crazy person when he gets home. We don't text at all during the day. Sometimes I send a pic of the baby here or there and he really likes that. It reminds him of what all this is for. I guess the TLDR version of this is that I pull everything and anything off of his plate that I can while still maintaining my sanity. Hope he gets a new job soon and your lives see an improvement!!

[litebright]

This happens to my DH at semi-regular intervals. How much I can do really depends on my schedule at the time, but I try to step up things like tidying up around the house (because he isn't around to help, but mess just adds another element of stress because he's tidy by nature), making sure he has food/drink stocked at the office (he has a small fridge), offering to bring him dinner at the office even though he never takes me up on it, etc.

Sometimes I will take over things like mowing the lawn or cleaning up dog poop ahead of time or other outdoor stuff that he normally takes care of. I can't take anything off his "stuff to do at work" list. Whatever I can take off of his "stuff that needs to be done at home" mental list helps.

Sometimes it just means the house goes to hell for awhile if I'm busy, and we deal with it. But he knows I've got the kids taken care of and we'll all eat and have clean clothes.

[Deleted]

Blow jobs? I'm only slightly joking. But in seriousness, I would try to take care of all the piddly stuff he just doesn't have time for so he can focus on "him time" and family time when he's home.

[Deleted]

My dh works in oil and gas as well. He is currently gone m-f and home on the weekends. He works an average 12-14 hour day. I am there for him. I don't burden him with the everyday exhaustion of a 3.5 year old and 10 week old. I allow him to vent. I listen. I tell him the mundane this of my day.

Sometimes I get a little jelous of his being away/ working long hours and uninterrupted sleep. I try to work it out before he gets home. Its totally my own selfishness and exhaustion coming through.

I also remind myself that this will pass. Oil will pick up and he will eventually have the pick of jobs where he can be home every night and still make close to what he is now.

At this moment of time I am just thankful he has a job right now. He's one of the lucky few.

[bittybomb]

My husband works a lot during the 4th and 1st quarters. I always try to make him a really good lunch because I know he doesn't get out much at all and I want him to be fed. Its easy enough since I'm packing the kids' lunches too. We talk on aim throughout the day so I always try to make him laugh or feel good about something. And I take care of everything at home. I also let him sleep in on the weekends, don't bitch too much when he wants to do something alone (which doesn't happen often because fishing is his thing, and he can't do much of it for most of 4th quarter and none of 1st quarter), and try to limit his other commitments. It sucks, but it does feel good to work as a team.

[janegold]

My H has been home about 6 days over the last two months. He always works and travels a ton but this it has been worse than usual since his new job started. I am struggling and have not always been supportive; it is hard not to feel resentful and angry but I am really trying to move on from those feelings because ultimately they are just toxic. I have let him know that although this may be what is required of him now (and perhaps for the next few years), it is not sustainable and we will have to figure out a way to make his schedule less demanding or we need to consider exit strategies. In the meantime, I'm just trying to remind myself that it is temporary and will hopefully be worth it for both of us in the long run.

[Pom]

Another O&G household chiming in. When H was gone like that, I handled it all or threw money at anything I couldn't do. We didn't have kids though. I am so sorry things are so hard for you guys right now. Here's hoping it turns around soon.

Also...I think just listening to him when he needs to vent his frustrations is probably the best thing you can do. You are also awesome for not complaining about his absence. It's tough and it sucks on both sides.

[adhdfashion]

H use to work hours like this all the time at his old company. I just made sure that when he came home there was a hot meal and all his clothes where washed. I hired some teenagers to do the yard work.

[Deleted]

I am the one in O&G in my household and I am going to grad school fulltime too. On top of the long hours and schoolwork, there is a constant reminder that I could lose my job at any minute. What really helps is if my husband does little stuff around the house that doesn't require my attention, like washing & sterilizing the bottles, making sure DD is bathed & fed, toys picked off the floor, etc. Since I get so few hours with my daughter in a day, I'd rather play or spend quality time with her instead of doing mundane chores.

He also makes sure that I have a lunch packed everyday, which cuts my time going out to buy lunch and makes sure that I have something to eat for breakfast.

Keep in mind, this industry is very cyclical and things will turn around soon.

[Elsa]

Thanks everyone. I haven't been worrying about dinner cause he has been eating up there. But I'll offer to see what he wants to do moving forward. I am lucky that I have a good support system. Good friends, family nearby, etc.

I don't do his laundry, but ugh, I guess I could offer. lol

[poppyseed]

My H works a lot and it sucks. I just try to keep everything together at home so he isn't stressed there too. He still does stuff around the house when I ask him to, but I do way more. I don't jam pack our weekends full of stuff so we can have some downtime, and I encourage him to enjoy his hobbies when he can ( fishing, watching football, etc). I also offer to help with resume and job searching when he feels like looking.

I'm sorry. It sucks and can be really frustrating.

[ninjabridemom]

I'd sit down with him and talk it out.

If he is present when he is home and helpful and being Dad and Husband, I would focus on what he needs and how you can work together to get shit done (outsource etc).

If he ISN'T then part of that conversation needs to be how he can help you specifically so you don't burn out and are ABLE to better help him. Maybe you have a designated day a week where you go out after he gets home and just do stuff for yourself. Whatever. You can't forget yourself in this equation.

It's a partnership -- a team sport. You gotta pass the ball sometimes Elsa.

And PS we are facing this too as Jake is transitioning out of one dept and into another -- it is just a transition but it will be January at the earliest before things are normal again (Well worth it in our case b/c he won't be on call at all anymore)

[Elsa]

Oct 8, 2015 11:03:22 GMT -5 @porcupine said:

Keep in mind, this industry is very cyclical and things will turn around soon.

Oh we know, we've been through it before.
I just don't think they have any plans to replace the two controllers. They are just shifting the work to H. Which isn't going to work long-term. He has a good relationship with their CFO so I think he is planning to talk to him about it...but they definitely won't be creating a new position to help H until we are above $60/barrel. At least.

[Elsa]

Oct 8, 2015 10:51:54 GMT -5 scottyderp said:

 while you walk around in the el buffo and heels.

Oh God, no one wants to see that.


lol

[rex]

oh i need this thread to remind me to stop being a whiner and be more supportive. my h is working a ton, and it is just getting into the busy season. i've been trying to pick up some slack and not complain but honestly i haven't been the best sport about it. i mean, i haven't expected him to do things around the house but i could pick up his slack a little (like with his laundry) since he is literally only home to sleep and then goes right back to work.

i also agree that it's great of you to be concerned about him, but definitely don't forget about yourself. you'll need a break too so make sure to schedule that in.

[8675309]

My H is a UPS driver and we never see him November-January. It's the WORST but he loves his job and it pays good money.

When we first met, it was awesome. I loved having that space. But when the kids came I had resentment and wasn't handling it so well. I still have my moments.

I'm struggling all the time with how to support him but ultimately since the majority of the household stuff lands on me, I feel like IIIIII I should be supported too. I work full time too dammit!

So to answer your question, I guess the best way to support him is to have a little empathy and understanding. I know he busts his ass for us and would rather be home.

[sequins]

I take care of the baby and cook. That's good enough eh?

[sonrisa]

When DH and I were both working crazy hours, one of the things we did was try to make the time we did have together count. If that meant outsourcing some tasks and letting others fall by the way side, so be it.

Now, when he has a busy time, I try to make sure he gets some fun time with the kids each week. (he missed out on Disney on Ice last night because of work and is bummed about that). Tomorrow, we'll be having a picnic dinner at a park between when he leaves his regular work and drives off to his out-of-town weekend work. We also try to have regular date nights so he can be away from all responsibilities.

[blondemoment123]

I try my best to handle everything at home. (Laundry, housework, etc). Although lately he seems to expect it and I'd really appreciate a "thank you"

[miso]

I was the one who used to work all the time, and I'm the one who still works significantly more.

All I want is my spouse to be nice to me.

It's really all I want.

[miso]

Oct 8, 2015 18:52:19 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Oct 8, 2015 18:37:23 GMT -5 miso said:

</3 Have you talked to him? Does he have any insight into the change in his behavior? I hate this for you, miso!!

I kinda just hope things will get better on their own, which, of course, is stupid.

Every time we talk, we just end up fighting.

So we don't actually talk much anymore.

[papie]

I yell at him when he is home and I send him passive aggressive texts all evening long when he is at work.

Not what you are looking for, I guess?

[papie]

((((miso))))

[pantsparty]

Well, my situation is different. When things are crazy at work I try to take all household stress off of him. I don't really think that's a fair or realistic expectation when you have kids, though.

We do throw money at house cleaning and landscaping. So if you have the funds, I would hire some help.