Let's talk about BECs

[Deleted]

DS's speech therapist. She works for the county school. I have a feeling we're one of a few (or her only) Friday appointment, she bails on us pretty frequently, often with very little notice. She also gives DS candy as a reward for participating, which I don't like. But his speech is improving, so we're still going. But I wonder how much of that is actually preschool and not her...

[drloretta]

MIL. I get to spend my Christmas break with her while DH goes to work

[sjh722]

I have a friend who is simultaneously the cheapest person alive and a perpetual plan changer.

Example: Friend A offered to host a wine night/cookie swap for Christmas.

Friend B replied with "I don't need any more sweets over the holidays, but who wants to do a crockpot meal swap instead the same night??"

WHO DOES THAT?

[preppy]

My dad. He just left. He's the most annoying person I know. He met Stella today, she's 10 weeks and he lives a 3 hour drive away. He spent the whole time saying that he never sees her. This is what he has done his whole life, "oh I missss you but I won't make the time. Oh here's money".

He left 3 hours earlier than planned and left Stella a check and monogrammed silver cup.

Asshole.

[ssmjlm]

The wife of DH's friend. She has gotten more and more insecure since quitting her job to SAH. Except she quit like 7 years ago. First she made excuses and said she would go back when the kid was in school. Now it's "oh it's too hard to work around the school calendar!" Gosh I wonder how all those working parents manage?!

We've distanced ourselves from them bc we've realized how different our values are. We also really don't agree with their parenting styles.

[rugbywife]

Nov 28, 2015 16:08:13 GMT -5 preppy said:

My dad. He just left. He's the most annoying person I know. He met Stella today, she's 10 weeks and he lives a 3 hour drive away. He spent the whole time saying that he never sees her. This is what he has done his whole life, "oh I missss you but I won't make the time. Oh here's money".

He left 3 hours earlier than planned and left Stella a check and monogrammed silver cup.

Asshole.

My dad is like that too. He just met P about two weeks ago for the first time, P is 6 months old. He also cut his trip short so he saw the kids for TWO HOURS. That's it. He lives a one hour flight away. He does the money thing too. I try not to be too emotional about it all because it hurts too much.

[sjh722]

Nov 28, 2015 16:49:52 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

Nov 28, 2015 16:08:13 GMT -5 preppy said:

My dad. He just left. He's the most annoying person I know. He met Stella today, she's 10 weeks and he lives a 3 hour drive away. He spent the whole time saying that he never sees her. This is what he has done his whole life, "oh I missss you but I won't make the time. Oh here's money".

He left 3 hours earlier than planned and left Stella a check and monogrammed silver cup.

Asshole.

My dad is like that too. He just met P about two weeks ago for the first time, P is 6 months old. He also cut his trip short so he saw the kids for TWO HOURS. That's it. He lives a one hour flight away. He does the money thing too. I try not to be too emotional about it all because it hurts too much.

Plus one more. My dad pretends DD2 doesn't exist. It hurts.

[osulori]

MY ILs. FIL and both SILs are mostly ok, I just don't get their thought processes and they're very different from my parents and sisters who I am very close to. So things they do drive me nuts whereas if it was anyone else I'd be more likely to let it roll.

SMIL, on the other hand, has landed more and more in BEC territory with me since MIL died* and I had AJ. I think my tolerance for her bullshit is just nil.

*she and FIL had been divorced for 20+ years when she passed, but SMIL has made comments to me about MIL and FILs reaction to her death since then that have pissed me right off. MIL was far from perfect but J and I loved her so I shut that shit down right quick before J heard.

[Deleted]

Nov 28, 2015 16:50:56 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Nov 28, 2015 16:49:52 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

My dad is like that too. He just met P about two weeks ago for the first time, P is 6 months old. He also cut his trip short so he saw the kids for TWO HOURS. That's it. He lives a one hour flight away. He does the money thing too. I try not to be too emotional about it all because it hurts too much.

Plus one more. My dad pretends DD2 doesn't exist. It hurts.

I am so sorry you guys. My parents are in BEC with ME....but they do love my kids. I can't even imagine. Hugs.

[Deleted]

Nov 28, 2015 16:02:07 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

I have a friend who is simultaneously the cheapest person alive and a perpetual plan changer.

Example: Friend A offered to host a wine night/cookie swap for Christmas.

Friend B replied with "I don't need any more sweets over the holidays, but who wants to do a crockpot meal swap instead the same night??"

WHO DOES THAT?

A crockpot meal swap? That sounds like the most horrible idea ever.

I love my crockpot but the recipes are all sort of the same. Here's some salsa chicken. Oh Look. A beef roast with onion soup mix. Trade the beef for a pork roast and BBQ sauce tonight. Here's a cheesey vegetable soup I made. 

What are you supposed to be trading exactly? 

And if I'm going to a food trade of any kind it better be either something fun or something I don't always have the time to make on my own....lol....I can usually manage to throw my own slimy ingredients in a crockpot and call it dinner! 

[glitzy07]

My BFF is both my BFF and one of my BEC. She has an opinion about everything and makes her opinions very known. Recent example: At her baby shower someone gave her a Wubbanub. I mentioned how I loved the Wub until C found his thumb and wasn't interested in it anymore. Her response was something like, "We haven't decided yet if we'll use a pacifier. Not every baby needs them." Um...ok?

Or when SS was a baby and she made a judgy comment about him being formula fed. Which is the number one thing that made it simple for H to see his son in the beginning. I'm not surprised based on how her mom talks about nursing either, but I feel like it would be an eye opener for her if she has trouble nursing. She might have some understanding for others who don't/can't.

[Deleted]

I have a bff from college like OP described. She's sweet but has had 5 kids in 7 years.

She's pretty intense withe "ZOMG! I love my kids. You should do this, try that....here's a super complicated parenting philosophy I subscribe too! And Jesus..wants you to have all the babies!"

I love her and she's very sweet at the end of the day but she's also really really naive. And conservative about the family values (Which I can be too, but not in all areas, kwim?). She has totally lost herself. Like I don't even know what to chat with her about anymore.

She sometimes gets to me with the "Why no more kids?" Speech. Well...if Jesus thought I should have more kids..he probably would have made it a hell of a lot easier for me.

[dellabear]

SIL and MIL.

SIL because she has been a bitch to me/us one too many times and I just don't like her much. While she has been ok lately, I'm always wary and wondering what kind of bs she is going to pull.

MIL because I'm sick of the guilt tripping and woe is me act. We live a 4 hr flight away. We visit once or twice a year, and it is never enough and we can never spend enough time there. She drops comments like "I just hope I live long enough so that DD will remember me." Her and FIL have not been to visit for 4 years, since DD was born. They are retired and wealthy and have taken other trips in this period. We just don't understand 'how difficult is is to travel'. Um actually I've wrangled a toddler onto a plane several times to visit your ass, tyvm. They also never call us. We bought them an iPad for Christmas last year so they could FaceTime and I'd say that has happened maybe 5 times.

[Deleted]

I'm going to throw my SIL in here too while I'm bitching.

She's sweet and we actually get along well. She just comes rolling into town and gets all on H and I about "How come you didn't do this for mom and dad? We should do this (insert super complicated project neither my MIL or I want in our barnyard)! Or why are Mom and Dad doing this!"


They are in picture perfect health. Be grateful for that! They both work hard. They're decent people. At their age they have more than earned the right to do whatever the hell they want TYVM! You have your own house! I don't go to yours and start telling you what to do with it! 

She's also a nurse in an inpatient clinic who thinks she's a brain surgeon. Any mention of a dr. and she knows 3 better ones and 8 different treatment options. Dude. I'm just going to get a flu shot. I'll probably live.
I also don't know...she's your Mom. You go ask her? Have you tried arguing with the woman? Ha.

[bowies]

Nov 28, 2015 16:49:52 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

Nov 28, 2015 16:08:13 GMT -5 preppy said:

My dad. He just left. He's the most annoying person I know. He met Stella today, she's 10 weeks and he lives a 3 hour drive away. He spent the whole time saying that he never sees her. This is what he has done his whole life, "oh I missss you but I won't make the time. Oh here's money".

He left 3 hours earlier than planned and left Stella a check and monogrammed silver cup.

Asshole.

My dad is like that too. He just met P about two weeks ago for the first time, P is 6 months old. He also cut his trip short so he saw the kids for TWO HOURS. That's it. He lives a one hour flight away. He does the money thing too. I try not to be too emotional about it all because it hurts too much.

Signing in with physically and emotionally distant grandparents. MIL met DS for the first time at his first birthday party and just cancelled on seeing him next weekend. My parents will spend a total of 26 hours traveling to visit us for a few hours. FIL is very meh about his existence. Sometimes I get really upset that DS is missing out on having a close extended family.

ETA: This is why TTC again seems so monumental. It is 100% on us with zero breaks. We know what we're getting ourselves into.

When I allow myself to get really bitter Betty I can pretty much trash talk the entire Baby Boomer generation lol.

[AmyRI]

Nov 28, 2015 16:08:13 GMT -5 preppy said:

My dad. He just left. He's the most annoying person I know. He met Stella today, she's 10 weeks and he lives a 3 hour drive away. He spent the whole time saying that he never sees her. This is what he has done his whole life, "oh I missss you but I won't make the time. Oh here's money".

He left 3 hours earlier than planned and left Stella a check and monogrammed silver cup.

Asshole.

I think we might be sisters.

Sorry, asshole dads suck. Glad you made it through the visit.

[preppy]

Nov 28, 2015 16:50:56 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Nov 28, 2015 16:49:52 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

My dad is like that too. He just met P about two weeks ago for the first time, P is 6 months old. He also cut his trip short so he saw the kids for TWO HOURS. That's it. He lives a one hour flight away. He does the money thing too. I try not to be too emotional about it all because it hurts too much.

Plus one more. My dad pretends DD2 doesn't exist. It hurts.

The worst part is being totally oblivious to how much of a jerk he is. He literally is like OMG I LOVE YOU I MISS YOU but never calls or visits. DD cried when he went upstairs to get his stuff to leave and is like "she's crying because grandpa is leaving!" No weirdo she has no idea who you are. Ugh. Go home!

[hermione]

My "friend" called to ask what to send C for Christmas. I said anything Paw Patrol. She responded, "Oh, well I'm going to send a board game even though she's too young for it. You can just store it." Gee how fun for both C and me.

Then she sent me her daughter's Amazon wish list even though I didn't ask for it.

I don't even want our kids to keep exchanging gifts. Basically I want to ghost this person.

[nessness]

Add me to the "uninvolved dad" group. My dad has seen DD twice in her 13 months of life for maybe 3 hours total. He was supposed to visit us for Thanksgiving (for the first time since we moved here 3 1/2 years ago) but he cancelled by text a few days before with no explanation.

[anna7602]

Nov 28, 2015 16:36:02 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

The wife of DH's friend. She has gotten more and more insecure since quitting her job to SAH. Except she quit like 7 years ago. First she made excuses and said she would go back when the kid was in school. Now it's "oh it's too hard to work around the school calendar!" Gosh I wonder how all those working parents manage?!

.

I went back to an office job when DD started kindergarten and did legit find it ridiculously hard to juggle all the half-days and random events and times when after school was cancelled/not available. It is a big, fat illusion that having school-aged kids makes it easier to manage a traditional work schedule, both for parents who never left the work force and for those who SAH during the infant/toddler years.

She can still be BEC, of course! But plenty of working parents bitch about this as well.

[anna7602]

I hear you, bowies. A few people in my life have made snotty comments about how "lucky" I am that I had DD young enough that I could space my children the way I did. (Btw, LOL that having kids at 32 and 38 is "young," but whatever.) I bite my tongue really hard and don't say that deciding not to be OAD was the biggest leap of faith ever given how little family support we have.

[wanderingenough]

My MIL. She was just here and drove me batty. At one point she was holding DS and he pooped. She immediately was like "you need to go change him." H was like "we will give him a min or two because he always poops over a few mins and if you change him too soon you'll end up changing him again 3 mins later." 30 secs (no exaggeration) passes and MIL is like "his bottom is prob burning because y'all are letting him sit in it." 90 secs later we all hear him poop again and I grab him and walk away.

[sjh722]

Nov 28, 2015 17:54:32 GMT -5 preppy said:

Nov 28, 2015 16:50:56 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Plus one more. My dad pretends DD2 doesn't exist. It hurts.

The worst part is being totally oblivious to how much of a jerk he is. He literally is like OMG I LOVE YOU I MISS YOU but never calls or visits. DD cried when he went upstairs to get his stuff to leave and is like "she's crying because grandpa is leaving!" No weirdo she has no idea who you are. Ugh. Go home!

Sounds familiar. His favorite topic? Himself.

My favorite news as of late (which I heard secondhand from my sister): my dad (who is currently not working because they sold their business and he is being pick AF about finding a new job, when really, he just needs A JOB) is going to become a counselor. Yes, he who gives the world's worst advice. And has no college degree. And no plans back to go back to school. He doesn't really see why you need a license and/or education.

WTF WTF WTF. Just because he attends AA and chairs the bi-polar support group meeting (code for people who won't seek appropriate treatment), he is in no way, shape, or form qualified to counsel anyone on anything. I think he has a personality disorder.

[cjeanette]

I think my youngest SIL is heading into this territory no matter how I try to resist.

She cares way too much about the opinions of others and is such a follower.

After she rolled her eyes and made some disgusted comment about how she would NEVER join the PTA when an aunt asked me if my board position was going well. My response to SIL was "ok". Which I think made her feel a little silly for the comment. You are 26 and childless. Bite me.

Later she was discussing how her and FI were only registering at Target. End of story. After I said we did BBB and Crate and Barrel she had to tell me how much she hates BBB. Ok.

Then 30 minutes later she tells people she has decided to register at Crate and Barrel since they have nice things. Follower.

Oh and she is going to ask for gift cards to Nebraska Furniture Mart to buy bedroom furniture. I pointed out the cash from just a small portion of their family gifts funded our bedroom furniture. Without the need to ask for gift cards. I got a look. Maybe I am her BEC?

[drloretta]

Also my SIL. I love her and she's sweet, but she's antivaxx and all about curing ailments with essential oils. Dad has diverticulitis? Use cinnamon! Mom needs gall bladder surgery? Nah, just eat some turmeric. And my mom believes most of her nonsense after blowing off DH and me, who are both scientists with advanced degrees

[jessnpaul]

Another one for dad. I'm almost 18 weeks pregnant and we finally saw him today. I had DS tell him "I'm going to be a big brother" (and he was wearing his Big Brother shirt to really get the point across). First, he had no idea what DS said (we've had DS tell a lot of people and NO ONE had problems understanding him!). Then I'm like "read his shirt". I had to spell it out for him.

His reaction? "Oh" That's it. I even mumbled something about it being another boy but i got nada and he was talking about something else.

Then a few hours later he TEXTS me asking if it's going to be a boy or girl. I tell him boy and then all he says is he thinks John (his name) is making a comeback. HELL NO am i naming my kid after him!!!

Also he still hasn't said congrats. He's so frickin' weird!!!

[ladygrey]

My SIL is the queen of vaguebooking on FB. There has been some major family drama with my ILs lately and her posts have been so dramatic and eyeroll-worthy:

"Dealing with some things today. Sometimes all you can do is just give it all up to God."

"My heart is heavy and my mind is occupied regarding a circumstance I can't give details about but I would be grateful for prayers. God knows..."

[Willis Jackson]

One of my brothers.

The list is long, but one example of his douchebaggery is when he was taking pics of the grandkids and said, "Okay, now everybody act like retards!" Then he defended himself when my mom and I lit into him and said he would have no problem saying it again.

I told him he was not someone I wanted around my children.

[scribellesam]

I have a friend who became unbearably smug and intense since she had kids. She's so superior about her parenting choices, it drives me crazy. Her style of parenting is much stricter than mine, which is fine, but she's constantly imposing her rules on other people's kids when you hang out with her. And the rules are so weird, like she won't let her son play with dirt in the backyard, only the sand in his sandbox. Or we gave her kids bath color tablets for Christmas last year but she refused to use them because "we don't have time for fun in the bath."

I think she's kind of been slowly ending our friendship this year, so I guess my more permissive/lazy style of parenting is BEC for her.

[cjeanette]

Lol forever at "we don't have time for fun in the bath"

She sounds like a load of fun