I need jesus behind all of this and maybe i will feel differently next year or five years from now etc. but my older aunt and uncle have been the ones who have called me upset about missing my mama and who have stepped up to help me and my brother navigate her settling her estate
I'm sorry you went through all that. I'm glad you have your aunt and uncle.
Not putting people in the home is (or was) real for my family too. Grandmother made her kids promise to not put her in a home but at the same time didn't want strangers helping her. So it was 2 years of cobbling together schedules to make sure she was cared for. If it wasn't for her younger sister, it never would have worked. And there were 4 kids, one of whom is a doctor, as well as spouses and kids, to split all the tasks.
After all that, both my parents made my brother and me promise to put them in a home before trying to tie ourselves into knots to keep them in their home.
They have the money so have already sighed up for a program through one of the senior living to nursing home type communities that starts with care in the home and escalates with care needs. They don't need the services yet but they say it gives them piece of mind to know that the service is there.
With MIL, it is a crap shoot how it will all turn out. She has the money but keeps giving it away to the shiftless members of her extended family. DH is frustrated because he is afraid she will end up living with us when she runs out of money and I will move out if that happens. I love MIL but I cannot live with her. Nope. Full stop. She stayed with us before and rearranged our kitchen because our stuff wasn't "where it should go." DH doesn't even want her to live with us but rents in our area are not cheap and carrying two households won't work with our current income. Soooo, we are just waiting to see how it all turns out.
sfy - Yes. I don't care that it's a shitton of money that the girls get from us when we die. Other folks leave huge amounts to their kids; I don't know why we don't do the same. I trust that the girls will put the money to wise use (hell, I may even leave them a set of recommendations LOL). But my hope is that it will help them and my future grandkids.
I do worry about when my grandmother passes away. *smh* She has been very wise with her money. My aunts and mom are going to fight over her money. I told her a few years ago to PLEASE write out a will. I do not wish to be the referee between the foolishness that will happen after she dies.
The last time I spoke to her (I try to call once a month), she told me that she was very proud of me and glad that I and my H had done well for ourselves. Then she starts in on all the issues of my younger cousins and my aunts. Stay salty forever grandma. Never change. LOL
If the majority of her money is in mutual funds or bank accounts, just help her update her beneficiaries. Same for insurance policies.
My dad passed a few months ago without a will and everything has been pretty straightforward because he had beneficiaries for everything (thank god for the finance guy who talked him into that.)
A will would assign an administrator which is helpful. Families can fight over that and it can cause high legal expenses if it gets really messy.
I'm sure it varies depending on the state and the situation,
You should seriously read the book I mentioned upthread! Some - ok, probably most - nursing homes suck, as far as quality of life and residents' ability to maintain independence. But there have been some innovations in the field, and there are more and more options for older people who need support but don't just want to be stuck in a room in a nursing home.
My grandmother is in one of those awesome places. It is called life care. She basically "bought" an apartment. She pays a monthly fee which includes meals and weekly cleaning. She lives alone and is fairly independent. If she needs more care she can move to assisted or nursing care. It is fantastic place and my grandmother (who is 96) has an excellent quality of life given that she can't drive and uses a walker. There are plenty of social events, a gym specifically designed for older folks, a pool and doctor's offices on site. There is even a hair dresser. Friendships are hard and someone complicated but overall I think it is so much better than the idea that she'd live my uncle or my parents.
My grandmother just moved into a similar place. A large reason she moved there was she faced an incredible burden taking care of my great-grandmother in her final years and doesn't want us to have to face a similar burden. The downside to places like this is they are cost-prohibitive for most individuals. The buy-in at my grandmother's place was not chump change and even in the independent living facilities you still have to pay the monthly fee.
I honestly don't think this would change much since it would further incentivize people whose estates are large enough to trigger the estate tax to do more of what they are already doing--spend down their estates while alive to either get it under or closer to the threshold. The end result is the same in that the money is going to the same people without the taxes.
ETA: That is to say that upping the estate tax rate isn't going to keep people from getting a leg up. It will just incentivize people with enough cash to trigger it to do something like pay the college tuition of their grandkids while they are still alive instead of waiting until they die to will it to them.
Yeah, but this assumes they live long enough to see their grandkids go to college.
You can still give everyone $14,000 a year per giftor (so $28,000 a year to each kid/grandkid/whomever if you have a living spouse) without triggering the gift or estate tax. Plus directly paying tuition isn't restricted to college. If you're giving the gift tax exclusion every year plus paying for a posh preschool for the grand kids you can easily transfer in the neighbourhood of $250-$500k a year to the next generation without triggering any sort of tax even if you don't live long enough to see the grandkids through college.
ETA: You're right that for .001 percent of people spending down the estate to the point where you don't owe taxes isn't going to be possible, but the vast majority of "large" estates are not that size. For most estates that would otherwise trigger the estate tax it's entirely possible to get down below $5ish million.
Post by iammalcolmx on Dec 1, 2015 15:40:22 GMT -5
My Momma doesn't' expect me to take care of her. She can sell her house which will get her into a nice retirement home. However, she did pay for my Grandpas assisted living even though he was able to afford it on his own. She was retired but got a job and spent Hundreds of Thousands on his care. My Aunt didn't pay a fucking dime yet when my Grandma died she started remodeling her house because she expected all this money. The money she was expecting actually went to my Grandfather, LOL!!!
I am sure my father is expecting something but his wife is over 20 years younger than him, so she can take care of him. He cannot move in with me. CANNOT.
I'm glad you were able to speak to your mom about it, and recognize that it was affecting you.
It's hard because you want to help family, but you have to think about yourself and nuclear family too, if that applies.
I think because we don't have kids, and DH has a good job, and when I do work, make decent money, people think we're the bank of Orangeblossom, and that's just not the case. We have our own responsibilities.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping, but in our case, it's the sense of entitlement that really bothers me. It's the I'm not going to change my way of life, but hey, can you still pay for my needs, while I get what I want.
At this point, for one family member, we won't have them without shelter, food and medications, but until they're ready to make some changes and talk to us about long term plans, that don't have us as the sole provider, the money is not as forthcoming.
It really bothered me to get to this point, especially since my mother is deceased and have a soft spot, for her just simply being a mother, but the soft spot has really closed in the last year or two. It's closed some for DH too.
Right. I'm like hell - we have student loans and kids. Regular ass expenses. Why the fuck y'all always asking us for money.
My H's mom asked him to co-sign on a car. My SIL asked my H to get an apt for her so she could move. I was like WHERE DA HELL THEY DO THAT AT? NAWL. DAMMIT.NAWL.
My mom burned her money bridges with me a long time ago. She would ask me for money and I'd say I didn't have it. To which she'd retort "you gotta be the brokest, workingest person I know." No. It's just your ass won't ever pay me back and I have my own bills. I'm not footing your extra shit.
Going back to working in college. I always wished I could have done an overseas or state capital internship. But nope. I did one locally and held down two part-time jobs (campus job and off-campus job). Because books. I'm forever grateful to my campus job boss because she would routinely buy all of her students workers' books and then we'd pay her back. That woman is amazing and I wouldn't be half the person I am today without having her in my life.
You KNOW I am still salty I am getting the silent treatment from the one I didn't let borrow $1,000. Cause like you said " WHERE THEY DO THAT AT?"
Although my H says otherwise, I'm pretty sure my MIL expects to be taken care of. She has done exceedingly little to accumulate tools to take care of herself in the 3 decades she has lived here (and no, I don't mean bootstrapy things I mean things like: learn English, learn to drive a car, learn to write a check, tackling just ONE of those things could help her greatly in living a more independent human existence in the long run; thankfully she recently learned how to make her own doctor apts.) So yes, I see my H being part of the 70% needed to take care of his parents. And it's already started in some respects as my H and his 2 brothers have been asked to pay for certain home and life expenses for them. Even though they actually have the means to pay for those things themselves.
My Momma doesn't' expect me to take care of her. She can sell her house which will get her into a nice retirement home. However, she did pay for my Grandpas assisted living even though he was able to afford it on his own. She was retired but got a job and spent Hundreds of Thousands on his care. My Aunt didn't pay a fucking dime yet when my Grandma died she started remodeling her house because she expected all this money. The money she was expecting actually went to my Grandfather, LOL!!!
I am sure my father is expecting something but his wife is over 20 years younger than him, so she can take care of him. He cannot move in with me. CANNOT.
This is such an issue for me that I honestly can't figure out a way to talk about it here. The guilt and the pressure of being the "solvent one" My mom got sick my junior year of high school and my grandparents shortly after and as a single child of a single child it became very clear I was going to be expected to carry this family. I felt so much weight in college and grad school. I went to therapy several times, I kept trying to flee and getting pulled back. It's the reason why I have made so many of the decisions I have, why I had a self-destructive "wild phase" in my twenties.... The expectation of taking care of everyone has been the worst thing for me.
My mom burned her money bridges with me a long time ago. She would ask me for money and I'd say I didn't have it. To which she'd retort "you gotta be the brokest, workingest person I know." No. It's just your ass won't ever pay me back and I have my own bills. I'm not footing your extra shit.
1234FIF! - My mom is in the same situation as your mom was with angry grandma treating her like crap and refusing to take care of herself or move into an assisted living facility (and instead of my brother it's a cousin who lives with grandma and refuses to move out). Her sisters don't help (grandma was in the hospital for the last 6 weeks and my mom went every day but only one sister came once). My mom's blood pressure is through the roof and I worry about her so much. And my mom doesn't work and isn't saving for retirement. Thankfully she doesn't have to help financially.
NitaX - my grandmother is 85 and refuses to write a will. It's like she won't admit she will die one day (probably soon). She owns some property. My mom and her sisters are not financially independent. I see a fight at grandma's funeral in my future
I am the only college graduate on both sides of my family (besides my dad). I am know as an evil bitch because I have a house and I don't help anyone financially (to them this means I think I'm better than everyone). I refuse. Thankfully my FIL and father have started college savings accounts for my child. I am struggling to pay off my student loans and save for retirement. I am not responsible for the bad decisions my family members have made. BUT I have so much guilt over it. It helps that I live far away from my family. If I was closer I would probably be hit up for money a lot to help. I try to give back by keeping my cousin's kids for a few weeks in the summer. It's like my own fresh air fund.
In my Caribbean (Domincan) family, supporting parents is not expected. We were/are expected to become 'successful'. What happens from there is pretty ambiguous. My grandfather moved back to the Dominican Republic when my mom (the youngest) left for college. He lived on his own until he passed away at 106 years old. My grandmother has early dementia and is in a home. Family (and her church family) visits weekly. My mom has made it clear she expects nothing from us. Regardless, my H and I are preparing for our help to be a necessity because my mom was hit pretty hard with some stuff the past several years.
My H is Cuban. His grandparents generation definitely expected support...but only from girls/women/daughters. Interestingly, he only has brothers and nobody seems to expect anything out of any of them. I doubt it would become a necessity for his parents at any rate.
Post by barcelonagirl on Dec 2, 2015 23:25:01 GMT -5
Truth Can't/won't stop it...yet. I may pick up some of the titles mentioned. The whole idea seems anticultural. Like that is part of what differenitrates us from white folks the whole "we don't put our people in homes" when family is the only thing even if it strangles you cling to the noose
I'm sorry to everyone dealing with this . But you guys...how did we get through this whole thread and no one mentioned Being Mary Jane? I know she's not real lol, but still.
I'm sorry to everyone dealing with this . But you guys...how did we get through this whole thread and no one mentioned Being Mary Jane? I know she's not real lol, but still.
Yes! Did you see last week when she talked about her abortion. I don't want to give spoilers but that resonated with me. That, and though she stays saying inappropriate stuff, I feel some kind of way that her family thinks they can just expect her to bail them out with no strings. No. If you take my money, we are going to talk about you keep taking my money, ok?
I'm sorry to everyone dealing with this . But you guys...how did we get through this whole thread and no one mentioned Being Mary Jane? I know she's not real lol, but still.
Yes! Did you see last week when she talked about her abortion. I don't want to give spoilers but that resonated with me. That, and though she stays saying inappropriate stuff, I feel some kind of way that her family thinks they can just expect her to bail them out with no strings. No. If you take my money, we are going to talk about you keep taking my money, ok?
Yes, agreed. Isn't it funny how some people want your money, no strings attached--not even the string of conversation (forget repayment)? When her dad said he was going to buy Niecy a car, even I was like, "Excuse me, sir?" How about you save that part of your fixed income for the next eventual Patterson family crisis, so that Letta doesn't have to go in her pockets? It's a tv show, but it's so real!
Yes! Did you see last week when she talked about her abortion. I don't want to give spoilers but that resonated with me. That, and though she stays saying inappropriate stuff, I feel some kind of way that her family thinks they can just expect her to bail them out with no strings. No. If you take my money, we are going to talk about you keep taking my money, ok?
Yes, agreed. Isn't it funny how some people want your money, no strings attached--not even the string of conversation (forget repayment)? When her dad said he was going to buy Niecy a car, even I was like, "Excuse me, sir?" How about you save that part of your fixed income for the next eventual Patterson family crisis, so that Letta doesn't have to go in her pockets? It's a tv show, but it's so real!
Not only that, these folks had the nerve to walk away from the table whilst she was talking. And I still want to know if Niecy replaced her pots.
And yeah, maybe the Tesla and the Birken were irresponsible, but I can be irresponsible with my own money. How Niecy gonna spend HALF her first paycheck living in somebody's house wirh two babies? I mean, has anyone ever paid MJ back?
Yes, I agree. I really like this season. And I have to say that although MJ can work my last nerve sometimes, I enjoy seeing all this messiness. Life is messy. People are flawed. I am so here for all of these Black and Latino actors. Why are these people not getting more work? And I do think Gabrielle Union is killing this role. She IS Mary Jane to me. Like when I see her on anything else, I go, "Oh, it's Mary Jane Paul" instead of saying, "Oh, it's Gabrielle Union"
Yes, I agree. I really like this season. And I have to say that although MJ can work my last nerve sometimes, I enjoy seeing all this messiness. Life is messy. People are flawed. I am so here for all of these Black and Latino actors. Why are these people not getting more work? And I do think Gabrielle Union is killing this role. She IS Mary Jane to me. Like when I see her on anything else, I go, "Oh, it's Mary Jane Paul" instead of saying, "Oh, it's Gabrielle Union"
Well, part of what makes this season real is David is gone. I swear I hope he doesn't pop back up.
Yes, I agree. I really like this season. And I have to say that although MJ can work my last nerve sometimes, I enjoy seeing all this messiness. Life is messy. People are flawed. I am so here for all of these Black and Latino actors. Why are these people not getting more work? And I do think Gabrielle Union is killing this role. She IS Mary Jane to me. Like when I see her on anything else, I go, "Oh, it's Mary Jane Paul" instead of saying, "Oh, it's Gabrielle Union"
Well, part of what makes this season real is David is gone. I swear I hope he doesn't pop back up.
Everyone is gone! Lisa, David, Mark--I'm like, who's next ?