Do you judge a smoking parent?

[hopenotlost]

Aug 26, 2012 18:38:53 GMT -5 lindyanne said:

As the child of a smoker, I judge on the first a lot and just a little on the second. I had chronic bronchitis and other health issues that magically disappeared when I moved out. I can only imagine the permanent damage it's done. I was also constantly embarrassed that I smelled like smoke.

This is me too, minus the bronchitus. I actually had people at school ask me if I smoked, because my mom smoked in the car. It's disgusting. I was so embarrassed.

Also, I remember being burned by a cigarette once because I reached for something, and my mom lifted her hand at the same time and had a cigarette in it. Lovely pain that was.

[Deleted]

Yes and no. There are worse things.

[bunnysmom]

Aug 27, 2012 10:08:57 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

1. Yes
2. No.

I can't imagine being resentful of a smoking parent who ends up ill. Everyone has a vice of some kind.

I said I was resentful of my dad smoking, but maybe I didn't express myself correctly. In my dad's case it wasn't that he had the vice and despite efforts he couldn't stop. Several times my sisters and I asked him in tears to stop and he flatly refused. He made clear innumerable times that he wanted to do it and that he didn't care about the consequences of his behaviour to the family. I resent my dad for not listening to our feelings, for not being responsible and for not thinking about his kids in the event something happened to him. What he did was extremely selfish and I judge him for that but I certainly wouldn't judge him if he had been willing to stop and couldn't find the way.

[mrssavy42112]

Aug 27, 2012 8:56:12 GMT -5 lys said:

Yes and yes
Actually I judget anyone & everyone who smokes

This

[Deleted]

Yes and yes. I think the latter is less horrible, but I think it sets a bad example and I find it unlikely that the kid will never be around it ever, even if effort is made to avoid direct exposure.

I get that quitting smoking is hard, but so are a lot of things in life and I don't think that's a good excuse. This is coming from an ex smoker, BTW. I'm sure it was easier for me to quit after smoking for a few years (and less than a pack a day) than it would be for someone who smoked heavily for decades, but it CAN be done.

[evynsmama]

I judge anyone who smokes who is over the age of 23 and I absolutely judge parents who smoke regardless of their age even if it is outside the home because I have a sneaking suspicion they would do it around their kid if they thought no one was looking.

[h]

Aug 27, 2012 10:52:34 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Yeah, I still think it's weird. It's not like he was a chainsmoker. It'd be like my son begging me to stop drinking, because it would destroy my liver, when I have one glass of wine a week or something.

If he resented me later because I developed liver cancer, and called me selfish for not giving up the one glass of wine a week, I'd die and come back and haunt his judgmental ass.

I don't think it's the same thing. It sounds like her dad smoked during the work day, every day for years. The odds of that level of smoking leading to smoking-related illness are far higher than the odds of one (or two or three or five) glasses of wine a week leading to liver cancer. People who smoke regularly do so with the knowledge that there is a relatively high likelihood that their behavior will lead to premature death and all that entails for their loved ones. The same is simply not true of light to moderate social drinking.

[Deleted]

Yes and Yes. 3rd hand smoke has been proven dangerous to infants (smoke on clothing, etc). I super judge my friends bf who is a smoker and they have a 4 month old baby. She thinks it's all fine b/c he goes outside. I don't even like my brother to smoke around my kids and he goes outside. I don't stop him but it bugs me. I don't want them thinking it's cool.

[bunnysmom]

Aug 27, 2012 11:02:41 GMT -5 h said:

Aug 27, 2012 10:52:34 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Yeah, I still think it's weird. It's not like he was a chainsmoker. It'd be like my son begging me to stop drinking, because it would destroy my liver, when I have one glass of wine a week or something.

If he resented me later because I developed liver cancer, and called me selfish for not giving up the one glass of wine a week, I'd die and come back and haunt his judgmental ass.

I don't think it's the same thing. It sounds like her dad smoked during the work day, every day for years. The odds of that level of smoking leading to smoking-related illness are far higher than the odds of one (or two or three or five) glasses of wine a week leading to liver cancer. People who smoke regularly do so with the knowledge that there is a relatively high likelihood that their behavior will lead to premature death and all that entails for their loved ones. The same is simply not true of light to moderate social drinking.

Yes, it's not the same situation at all. My dad smoked every day for more than 35 years, this is not the same as having an ocasional drink. And as I said, I judge him because of his refusal to quit and listen to the needs of his family.

I really appreciate the input of lucy as I'm not a parent and maybe that affects my vision but in my opinion once you decide to be a parent you have to be more careful with your life for the sake of your children, especially when they are little and they could end up alone in the world.

[Deleted]

Yes. But then I kind of judge smoking in general. It's a stupid thing to do to yourself.

[bunnysmom]

Thank you for your input, as I said it's helpful to view things from a parents perspective. When you're not a parent you tend to think things in a more black and white way and don't have a full perception of how difficult parenting really is.

I want to make clear that I didn't tell my dad I-told-you-so as he wouldn't have cared. That's my point exactly in my dad's case. He didn't care about his kids at all and he repeteadly told us that he wouldn't stop eating, drinking and smoking heavily even if that implied us ending up alone. He literally said he didn't care and it's that, his approach, what I judge.

I understand what you say about a lot of things that can be dangerous and I didn't expect my parents not to live their lives because of me and my sisters but I think that there is a difference between unknowingly using a dangerous deodorant and engaging in activities or behaviours (like not taking the prescribed meds, as my dad aldo did) that could potentially harm yourself and your children. In my dad's case, which I know is not applicable to all scenarios, he knew this and he repeteadly told us he didn't mind dying because he didn't care about us.

[chance22010]

Yes and yes

[liveintheville]

Aug 27, 2012 12:27:12 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Oohhhkay, well, then, we're not exactly talking about smoking.

Yeah... this took an abrupt turn.

[bunnysmom]

Aug 27, 2012 12:52:02 GMT -5 liveintheville said:

Aug 27, 2012 12:27:12 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Oohhhkay, well, then, we're not exactly talking about smoking.

Yeah... this took an abrupt turn.

Yes, this what I was trying to say from the beginning. It was my dad's lack of compassion towards his family, smoking being one of the examples, what I judge. I certainly wouldn't judge him if he was sincerely willing to quit and couldn't or if he unknowingly did something that ended up damaging his health. But actually he knew what he was doing and he didn't care of the consequences, which unfortunately were very bad. He even once said that he wanted to live his life as he wanted, that he didn't care if he lived only five years if he could do what the hell he wanted. He said he didn't mind dying.
I'm really aware this is not always the case with all smoking parents and I'm very sorry if I offended anyone by expressing my opinion but I was strictly talking about my family situation and my dad's unwillingness to make sacrifices for the sake of his children.

[saraandmichael]

Aug 27, 2012 13:01:50 GMT -5 bunnysmom said:

Aug 27, 2012 12:52:02 GMT -5 liveintheville said:

Yeah... this took an abrupt turn.

Yes, this what I was trying to say from the beginning. It was my dad's lack of compassion towards his family, smoking being one of the examples, what I judge. I certainly wouldn't judge him if he was sincerely willing to quit and couldn't or if he unknowingly did something that ended up damaging his health. But actually he knew what he was doing and he didn't care of the consequences, which unfortunately were very bad. He even once said that he wanted to live his life as he wanted, that he didn't care if he lived only five years if he could do what the hell he wanted. He said he didn't mind dying.
I'm really aware this is not always the case with all smoking parents and I'm very sorry if I offended anyone by expressing my opinion but I was strictly talking about my family situation and my dad's unwillingness to make sacrifices for the sake of his children.

your dad sounds like an asshole that just happened to also smoke.

[bunnysmom]

Aug 27, 2012 13:43:57 GMT -5 saraandmichael said:

Aug 27, 2012 13:01:50 GMT -5 bunnysmom said:

Yes, this what I was trying to say from the beginning. It was my dad's lack of compassion towards his family, smoking being one of the examples, what I judge. I certainly wouldn't judge him if he was sincerely willing to quit and couldn't or if he unknowingly did something that ended up damaging his health. But actually he knew what he was doing and he didn't care of the consequences, which unfortunately were very bad. He even once said that he wanted to live his life as he wanted, that he didn't care if he lived only five years if he could do what the hell he wanted. He said he didn't mind dying.
I'm really aware this is not always the case with all smoking parents and I'm very sorry if I offended anyone by expressing my opinion but I was strictly talking about my family situation and my dad's unwillingness to make sacrifices for the sake of his children.

your dad sounds like an asshole that just happened to also smoke.

Yes, maybe you're right. That's why I feel very sorry if I offended anyone but I was talking about how my dad was an asshole about the smoking situation. I realise not all people react as my dad did.
I admit that I have mixed feelings regarding my dad. On one hand I have great memories and he was a good role model in some aspects but when I think of the things I shared here and others that I'd rather keep private for now I have a hard time forgiving him and understanding his choices.

[Deleted]

Aug 27, 2012 9:00:09 GMT -5 flygirl said:

1-yes
2-not as much, but still yes

And I judge parents who smoke in their car when their kids are with.

Me too. Although now in Ontario you can be fined for smoking in your car if there are kids in it.
At first, I was like, thats a bit 'big brother' on behalf of the gov't, but at the same time, kids can't protect themselves so I think I'm ok with the gov't having some influence.

[soleil]

I do. My parents (they have quit for awhile now) smoked my entire childhood, as did all the relatives in my family (they did smoke out in the garage though/outside).

I have had pneumonia 5 times in my life (I'm only 24), have asthma, and have also had boughts of bronchitis. I blame the smoking I was surrounded with growing up. Aunts, uncles, older cousins all smoked around me as well as in the car.

I know other people with similar health issues that grew up in smoking families. I think its a disgusting habit. My grandma was a lifelong smoker--she's now wilting away in her home hooked up to oxygen with severe emphysema. She's super smart and aware still, but her body is dying. It's heartbreaking. My aunt that takes care of her still smokes around her too.

[malibu]

1. Yes
2. No

[elizabethann]

Yes and Yes. One of my best friends during childhood had parents that both smoked. I loved playing at her house but it also smelled horribly of smoke and I couldn't stand driving in the car with her parents if they took us for ice cream or anything. My parents hated me staying there because I always came home smelling disgusting. I feel horrible for children who have to go to school smelling like smoke because of a choice their parents are making. Why don't people who smoke realize how badly they/their cars/homes smell?

[aspentosh]

1. Yes.
2. Yes.

I am the ONLY person in my immediate family (~12 people) that never smoked yet I have horrible lung issues as a result of second and third hand smoke. I judge people harshly that do this to their kids.

[rugbywife]

I judge both. I grew up in a house with two chain smokers who smoked inside. All three children ended up smoking. I quit one month after I watched (literally) my mother die of lung cancer that spread to her bones and then her brain. She was 55. I started smoking at 14 and by 15 I was smoking a pack a day. I smoked for 14 years. I would never ever smoke as a parent, even if I *thought* my child didn't know. I would want my children to have to watch me die the way I watched my mother die. It was horrible. Yes, there are other ways/cancers I could still end up having but I couldn't knowingly continue to ingest toxins that pretty much guaranteed that I would die a horrible death after my grandfather and mother both died of the same disease. I would never expose my child to those toxins or to the general idea that smoking is okay in any way. My husband and I still have to figure out, when we have kids, where we will stay when we visit my dad and his new wife because it won't be at his place since he still smokes in the house. Frankly, I wouldn't even want my kid in the house ever, let alone over night.