2015 Haters' Guide to the Williams Sonoma Catalog!

[redheadbaker]

GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN GIMLET, BRADLEY! 

adequateman.deadspin.com/the-2015-hater-s-guide-to-the-williams-sonoma-catalog-1746862116

I have terrible news for you, America. I know that you’ve already endured a harsh autumn of partisan politics and mass tragedies and inconsistent NFL officiating. I know you can’t handle one more goddamn piece of bad news right now. It’s too much. It may break your spirit entirely. But I have to do it. If I don’t tell you now, you may learn this from an enemy, or from Twitter, or from your rich asshole brother-in-law:

There are no chicken coops for sale in this year’s Williams-Sonoma Christmas catalog.

I know. I know. Stay strong. We’ll get through this TOGETHER. I know you feel lost now that you won’t be able to shell out $1,000 for a goddamn chicken coop made out of driftwood by celebrated Carroll Gardens wood visualist SAMUEL PINE. Between this and the collapse of that one Blake Lively catalog, your interminable compulsion to run up your credit limit on horrible crap may never find a proper outlet.

HOWEVER, I do have some good news to soften the blow, my friend. While the coops are gone, the Williams-Sonoma Christmas catalog is still here. And yes, it remains as hilariously tone-deaf as ever, ready to help you plan the PERFECT holiday entertaining season, because to experience anything otherwise would be COLD DEATH. You must have a flawlessly laid-out dinner spread. You must have coordinated china and stemware patterns. The lyrics to “Sleigh Ride” must literally BE your life. You must SING! Yes, you must join hands with your gorgeous WASP children and sing carols in perfect harmony aloud for all to hear, so that the rest of world knows the truth: that their lives are SHIT and you, good friend, live among the holiday gods, in an evergreen paradise scented with luscious peppermint oils and laden with soup tureens and festooned with garlands sewn from the skinned corpse of a dead swan.

Behold hand-crafted teacups, and copper mugs filled with hot mulled wine, and very tiny candies with even tinier bits of candies sprinkled upon them, and jolly wreaths, and big hunks of imported bleu cheese that will help distract EVERYONE from the fact that Mumsy and Dudsy are still waiting for their divorce papers to finalize! You’ll gather round the hearth and drink fizzy punch while a gaggle of homeless orphans stand outside your window in the freezing cold … staring. LONGING. Aching to be taken in so that they might know the touch of your jingle-bell napkin rings.

It’s all still here, people. We may not have our coops, but we’ll always have Christmas, and we’ll always have this catalog, crammed with page after page of frilly garbage. So let’s crack this fucker open and see what’s what. Do they have kouign-amann in this year’s catalog? OH YOU BETTER GODDAMN BELIEVE THEY GOT KOUIGN-AMANN.

Item 91-5729801 - TARTAN TABLECLOTH ($103.96-$127.96)


Copy: “Yarn-dyed linen/cotton edged in grosgrain ribbon. Imported. Forest (NEW!) or red”

Drew Says: Gotta have that grosgrain. Oh, is your tartan tablecloth NOT edged in the grosgrain? Then that’s not proper tartan. That is wrapping paper, and you should go to hell. My REAL tartan tablecloth was hand-woven by an angry Scottish barbarian named Hamish who personally dyes his yard-dyed linen in the blood of live ewes. Accept no substitutes.

Item #91-7313240 – SODASTREAM PENGUIN SPARKLING WATER MAKER ($199.95)


Copy: “EXCLUSIVE. Turns tap water into sparkling water … cannot be shipped outside the contiguous 48 states.”

Drew Says: Why do I want my Sodastream to be shaped like a penguin? That just makes it look like the penguin is shitting carbonated diarrhea out of its butt. Look at the video!



What the fuck, penguin? I never saw you do this in Happy Feet 2. And why can’t get I get my penguin poop-squirter outside the contiguous 48? What if I have friends in Alaska*? Wouldn’t a penguin-themed gift be climate-appropriate for my blubber-eating nieces and nephews?

(*Yes, I am aware that penguins generally don’t live in the northern hemisphere, but still … SNOW.)

Item #91-4004149 - TRUMAN ROUND BAR CART ($999.00)



Copy: “Features a steel frame, inset glass shelves, and high gallery rails to secure glassware in transit.”

Drew Says: That’s a thousand bucks for a bar cart. How could I possibly need this unless I live in the coach section of an airplane? Furniture is already a gigantic ripoff, and that’s for USEFUL shit like couches and chairs. Fragile glasses and whiskey bottles were not meant to be wheelable. My guests don’t need that extra flourish. They’re not invalids. They can make the 10-foot trip to the damn bar. GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN GIMLET, BRADLEY.

Item #91-6221295 - PEPPERMINT BARK BITES ($12.59)



Copy: “Individually-wrapped bars of our perennially popular peppermint bark”

Drew Says: I don’t know why you need individually wrapped portions of peppermint bark when the regular bark already comes pre-broken for your snacking pleasure. But screw that for a moment. What you really to need know is that, this year, Williams-Sonoma is getting in on the SOCIAL MEDIA KRAZE with their own peppermint bark hashtag!

“#BARKYEAH Share your favorite peppermint bark moments and we’ll regram our favorites”
And so many moments to choose from! LOOK! [Opens bark album.] Here’s me and a piece of peppermint bark outside Paris. And here’s me indulging in some peppermint bark next to Woody Allen. And here’s a photo of me sticking some peppermint bark in my anus before putting it back on the cookie plate for unsuspecting family members. No, Chad. YOU have the last one. I’m stuffed! [Watches eagerly.]

note from RHB -- too much to C&P -- continue reading here: adequateman.deadspin.com/the-2015-hater-s-guide-to-the-williams-sonoma-catalog-1746862116

[ESF]

MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY TRADITION!!!!!!

Drew Says: Why do I want my Sodastream to be shaped like a penguin? That just makes it look like the penguin is shitting carbonated diarrhea out of its butt.

[redheadbaker]

RIP RedheadBaker

Copy: “Our cookie press is a baker’s dream come true. Just fill the barrel with dough and pull the lever.”

Drew says: COOKIE GUN. Fuck yeah! Load me up and I will take out an entire cookie swap with that fucker. PEW PEW PEW 50 snickerdoodles right in Priscilla Purrington’s grill. YOU CAN TAKE MY COOKIE GUN FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS. That’ll teach her not to have a grosgrain table runner.

By the way, it’s obviously insane to shell out $35 for a cookie bazooka when you can achieve a reasonably similar result using a stupid cookie cutter. The cookie gun will go right into your dustbin along with the infamous waffle batter dispenser and cracker spinner. The truth is that to have a functional kitchen, you only need a few items. A cookie cannon is not one of them.

[badgergrl]

Isn't the cookie gun used to make spritz cookies? My mom and grandma always made those cookies. Yum.

[redheadbaker]

Dec 9, 2015 21:07:02 GMT -5 @mrsbecky said:

We have a cookie gun  

Oh, I have one, too. Used it once. It's ... somewhere. 

[josieposy]

LOL!


Drew Says: Triple-distilled peppermint oil? #BARKYEAH, BITCH. If you’re distilling your peppermint oil only two times, you might as well use your coffee-stirrers for cleaning the toilet, as far as I’m concerned.

[pixy0stix]

I love spritz cookies. You CANNOT get the same effect with a cookie cutter.

That's my only gripe with the piece.

[elleblue]

Dec 9, 2015 21:04:02 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

RIP RedheadBaker

Copy: “Our cookie press is a baker’s dream come true. Just fill the barrel with dough and pull the lever.”

Drew says: COOKIE GUN. Fuck yeah! Load me up and I will take out an entire cookie swap with that fucker. PEW PEW PEW 50 snickerdoodles right in Priscilla Purrington’s grill. YOU CAN TAKE MY COOKIE GUN FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS. That’ll teach her not to have a grosgrain table runner.

By the way, it’s obviously insane to shell out $35 for a cookie bazooka when you can achieve a reasonably similar result using a stupid cookie cutter. The cookie gun will go right into your dustbin along with the infamous waffle batter dispenser and cracker spinner. The truth is that to have a functional kitchen, you only need a few items. A cookie cannon is not one of them.

But the cookie press is used to make a very specific type of cookie - spritz! My mother has the press my great grandmother used even. It's a thing (even though the W-S press looks a bit newfangled, it probably presses like a dream). 

Eta: I see I should've refreshed the thread before posting, lol. 

[josieposy]

I bought a Nordic Ware press last year. Fancy stuff! Works great.

[winecat]

Dec 9, 2015 21:04:02 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Drew says: COOKIE GUN. Fuck yeah! Load me up and I will take out an entire cookie swap with that fucker. PEW PEW PEW 50 snickerdoodles right in Priscilla Purrington’s grill. YOU CAN TAKE MY COOKIE GUN FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS. That’ll teach her not to have a grosgrain table runner.

This made my day.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

YES THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING EVERY CHRISTMAS.

Okay, maybe second only to repeated viewings of Love Actually.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Oh my god, I died laughing at #barkyeah and I haven't recovered.

[readyin07]

Ah..now it really feels like Christmas. My favorite is the American Girl one

[heyjude]

I really want a cookie gun. This guy is nuts if he thinks you can just use cookie cutters!!

My H asked what I want for Christmas? Um anything from Willam Sonoma, please?

<3

[jeaniebueller]

I am all kinds of  about the thought of ordering a mixture of lobster and mayo from a catalog. Even if it is W&S.

[laurenpetro]

I do agree that everything needs to be made of Peppermint Bark.

And I may or may not have ordered the American Girl cookbook for G. I had a coupon.

[jillboston]

there are days when I love the internets.

[pescalita]

FUCK YOU DEADSPIN, YOU CAN PRY THE SPRITZ COOKIES FROM OUR COLD DEAD HANDS!!!

[2curlydogs]

I have a spritz press. It's my mom's and I think it might have been grandma's? I LOVE IT. It's the bestest thing ever.

I also really like that tablecloth.

And I would like the 6 month of Cheese subscription, please.

#hatersgonnahate

[fortnightlily]

Love it. I'm with readyin07, the American Girl part was hilarious.

[readyin07]

Dec 10, 2015 10:06:23 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Dec 10, 2015 8:14:49 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

Ah..now it really feels like Christmas. My favorite is the American Girl one

I may or may not have a few things from this line sitting in my closet for Kirkette's Christmas gifts. LOL

Haha. Gateway drug! You will have no one to blame but yourself when she demands all Wolf appliances at 10

[heyjude]

It's as if Slate is trolling Deadspin this morning.

www.slate.com/blogs/browbeat/2015/12/09/spritz_cookies_yes_you_need_a_cookie_press_but_they_re_worth_it.html

[readyin07]

Dec 10, 2015 9:53:20 GMT -5 2curlydogs said:

I have a spritz press. It's my mom's and I think it might have been grandma's? I LOVE IT. It's the bestest thing ever.

I also really like that tablecloth.

And I would like the 6 month of Cheese subscription, please.

#hatersgonnahate

My former boss's son is getting married and I was looking at their wedding registry. It is one of those non store ones and it includes both a cheese and flower of the month membership (both purchased). They are both wealthy private equity broker types.

I was thinking maybe bc they live in NYC and probably have a smaller place but their Bloomies registry has the largest assortment of odd kitchen gadgets i have ever seen lol.

I think the $15 trifle bowl I requested from bed bath and beyond just screams mid2000s lower middle class

I was thinking

[mrsd2006]

Dec 10, 2015 10:15:33 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

Dec 10, 2015 9:53:20 GMT -5 2curlydogs said:

I have a spritz press. It's my mom's and I think it might have been grandma's? I LOVE IT. It's the bestest thing ever.

I also really like that tablecloth.

And I would like the 6 month of Cheese subscription, please.

#hatersgonnahate

My former boss's son is getting married and I was looking at their wedding registry. It is one of those non store ones and it includes both a cheese and flower of the month membership (both purchased). They are both wealthy private equity broker types.

I was thinking maybe bc they live in NYC and probably have a smaller place but their Bloomies registry has the largest assortment of odd kitchen gadgets i have ever seen lol.

I think the $15 trifle bowl I requested from bed bath and beyond just screams mid2000s lower middle class

I was thinking

I think you should c&p the registry here so we can see how the other half lives.....  

[sushi]

Weekday am I missing about spritz cookies? They're fun to make. Not so good to eat

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2015 13:09:11 GMT -5 sushi said:

Weekday am I missing about spritz cookies? They're fun to make. Not so good to eat

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? They are amazing.

Butter and sugar, IN MY MOUTH!

[Deleted]

My mom has an electric cookie press from the 1970's that is awesome. I have a manual Wilton one, just not the same. But spritz cookies are the best.

ETA: our recipe is from The American Woman's Cookbook, which started publication in the late 1930's. My copy is from one of the final years in the mid 1970's but they still printed the old food photos and had all the instructions about how to be a good wife and host. Plenty of glerm and questionable recipes, but also fantastic for basics and reference guides/substitutions. 

[btdt]

Spritz cookies are just about my favorite Christmas cookie EVER!!! I don't know why I don't make them more often since they are so easy (wait, yes I do know. Because I eat a shit-ton of them, because they are so freaking good.) And I guess that I should confess that my sister has the penguin sodastream, and I have faint little pangs of envy because her sodastream is so much cooler looking than mine.

Also, Chuck Williams died this week. It feels vaguely wrong to mock his company this week.

[msmerymac]

A cookie press is A THING. Maybe you can get it for less than $35, but it's definitely a normal thing. If you call making spritz cookies "normal."

[msmerymac]

Dec 10, 2015 10:15:33 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

Dec 10, 2015 9:53:20 GMT -5 2curlydogs said:

I have a spritz press. It's my mom's and I think it might have been grandma's? I LOVE IT. It's the bestest thing ever.

I also really like that tablecloth.

And I would like the 6 month of Cheese subscription, please.

#hatersgonnahate

My former boss's son is getting married and I was looking at their wedding registry. It is one of those non store ones and it includes both a cheese and flower of the month membership (both purchased). They are both wealthy private equity broker types.

I was thinking maybe bc they live in NYC and probably have a smaller place but their Bloomies registry has the largest assortment of odd kitchen gadgets i have ever seen lol.

I think the $15 trifle bowl I requested from bed bath and beyond just screams mid2000s lower middle class

I was thinking

Do they have a duck press on the registry?