How are you going to explain that santa isn't real?

[zarapipe]

All the ML santa threads have me thinking


Like when someone tells dd (which could happen any minute bc she is going on 6) what am I going to say?! She is going to be absolutely crushed. Last night she said when she grows up she wants to be Santa's wife. Then she said, "he is going to be really old by then but that's ok"

I died a little. She said it was okay that she would be his 2nd wife too. She wouldn't care.

[mlt]

My mom told me when I was 7. She explained it really well and said Santa was someone parents invented to help make Christmas really magical for kids and teach us all about the spirit of giving. She said it was just as fun to be Santa as to believe in Santa and immediately enlisted my help to keep the secret going for my little brother. I felt so important that year keeping it going for him.

ETA forgot to say I hope to be able to explain it as well to my kids.

[ECB]

DS said just the other week that "Mary's mom said Santa isn't real". Mary is in his class.

But DH and I were both like "It's up to you if you want to believe in him or not.  Mary's mom chooses not to.  But if you want to believe, then he's real".

In the long run, hopefully this will set him up for an understanding of what Santa really is.  Ultimately, when he really REALLY gets it, I'm going to focus on "Santa is about love and generosity and giving to others." and try to instill that he's what you make of him.  Someone said something in the other post about how "we're all Santa".  I like that. 

[Deleted]

My plan is to lie to DD/make stuff up in response to "Santa isn't real" comments until she's old enough to be okay with not believing. Then we will focus on the "magic of santa" and the "spirit" of what he stands for. My parents did that with us and it was pretty amazing. It's also why I tell people I believe in Santa still.

I do think the internet overanalyzes this to death. I think most kids just grow out of it naturally/come to it on their terms. Kids are scarred for life over Santa because their parents keep dragging it through the mud...lol.

I checked myself out of the internet after the ML disaster..haha. You can have both a place for Jesus and Santa if you want it. Therapy is not needed because you "lied" to your kids about Santa. Quit sucking the fun out of everything. The end.

[Deleted]

Dec 11, 2015 10:20:39 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

You could do what my mom did and insist that Santa was real up until your kids are 20+.
Lol. We seriously never had a conversation about it.

My mom still signs some of our presents "From Santa." 

She does it for my kids too now. 

According to MMM I should put my foot down and incite a family riot over such shenanigans but you know....She's having FUN and my kids love that Santa appears twice (it always did at home and Grandma's for us too growing up). 

[h]

My oldest knows, and it was no big deal. It was very clear that he knew last year and probably the year before, but equally clear that he still wanted to play along. We both did a little winking and nodding. Like once I forgot to move the damn elf, and he came into my room in the morning and was like "The elf didn't move. Maybe he was up late working and got too tired. Do you maybe think the elf had a brief to write?" But we did not really talk about it.

This year he came right out and said, "Mom, I know you're the elf. And I know you're Santa, too." I told him that of course I was and that, as he obviously realized, one person couldn't possibly do all the things that Santa does. Then I told him that Santa is really an idea bigger than any one person, and that Santa is about love and generosity and believing in something good in a world that often seems full of bad news. I told him that I hoped that knowing that there is no one Santa won't make Christmas any less special or magical for him, because it is special and magical.

He was super adorable about the whole thing and said, "I do still think it's magic. Besides, you have better ideas than an elf ever could." Then a few minutes later he was like, "wait, so did you and Dad have to buy all the Santa presents we've ever received? What about when Santa left us a trip to Disney World?" When I confirmed that we indeed paid for all of it, he was like "wow! Thank you! I can't believe you did all that for us! I am going to tell Alex (his brother) to quit asking Santa for such expensive stuff." It was a super sweet conversation, actually. And since then, he has been helping me come up with great EOTS ideas for his little brothers.

[bearbaby]

My mom did a really good job in the pre-Pinterest era with explaining Santa when I challenged her (I was like, 9. She did the experience of Christmas/Santa up SO big, I really had very few doubts lol).

I'll hope DS is old enough that I can explain it in the same way.

Santa doesn't exist as a "person", but the spirit of Santa exists as a way to spread Christmas magic and joy. She reiterated strongly that SHE even still believed in the spirit of Santa, and sometimes it's good to have faith in something you can't see and childhood benefits from some magic.

She emphasized the point that the "spirit of Santa" was definitely real because she'd NEVER have bought all the presents she did (she was extremely frugal - but always spent all year scrimping/scouring yard sales to really get great Christmas gifts) without being moved by the Santa spirit

I found it a very satisfactory explanation, and I think it reinforced even further the magic of my childhood Christmases because I realized just how much my Mom did (Dad's there too, but this was really her forte) to make every experience so special for us. (She'd run around outside with sleigh bells after we were in bed, she made reindeer tracks in the snow, every year a neighbor or uncle would dress up in a santa suit and leave a polaroid under the tree of him placing out the gifts, etc etc etc).

I have no hang-ups about how other people choose to do Christmas (with/without Santa, etc), but I'm definitely aiming to recreate my childhood experiences for DS.

[ryry]

I just read this and really liked it: teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2015/12/thank-you-santa.html?m=1. I kind of hope this is how the conversation goes with my kids. I've talked to Dd1 a little about Santa being real because we believe he's real.

[simpsongal]

I swear, seeing The Santa Clause made me believe again when I was like 12...(so much was explained!)

[Queen Mamadala]

Dec 11, 2015 10:25:03 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

My eyes are rolling out of my head at everyone on ML who is sad for children who don't believe in Santa. I have no recollection of ever believing in Santa and Christmas was still the best fucking time of the year. And my family didn't make it about Jesus, either. I am making no effort to convince DD that Santa is real (in fact, I've already told her he's just pretend), but that doesn't mean we're all sanctimonious about it or that we eschew him from our traditions or fun at Christmas.

This. They still enjoy the folklore and spirit of the mythos/story.



My kids aren't missing out on any sort of magic any more than they're missing out on the "magic" of the Force/Star Wars mythos by it being pretend. They still enjoy fantasy, myth and folklore and appreciate them for what they are. The winter holidays are my favorite time of the year. I absolutely love the time between Thanksgiving and NYE. We all love the holiday season, and they enjoy the customs and festivities, the "magic" of myth and fantasy, while recognizing that it is folklore. It is no different than any other fictional or mythical character or figure they enjoy. We also give the kids a few gifts on Yule. Christmas is secular for us, and it doesn't include Santa in the context that he's real. 

They don't tell other kids or peers Santa isn't real, but they have been truthful when asked if they believe. 

[halfpint]

My parents never pushed it or created an elaborate ruse, they just let me believe what I wanted to believe. They did sign some packages from Santa, and honestly, they still do to this day I remember flat out asking my mom when I was maybe 8 if he was real or not - her response was pretty good, basically that the idea of Santa is very real, and we believe in him because he's the spirit of Christmas, he embodies all the magic and joy and generosity and love of the season.

[Deleted]

I read this letter a few years ago. It's really good. It always makes me tear up a little, lol.

Dear Ryan,



You asked a really good question, “Are Mom and Dad really Santa really Santa?”. We know that you want to know the answer, and we had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.



The answer is no. We are not Santa. There is no one, single Santa.



We are the people who fill your stocking and choose and wrap the presents under the tree-just as our parents did for us, their parents did for them, and you will do for your kids someday.



This could never make any of us Santa though. Santa is lots and lots of people who keep the spirit of Christmas alive. He lives in our hearts-not at the North Pole. Santa is the magic and love and spirit of giving to others. What he does is teach children to believe in something they can’t see or touch. Throughout your life you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your family, in your friends, and in God. You’ll need to be able to believe in things you can’t measure or hold in your hands.



Now you know the secret of how he gets down all of those chimneys on Christmas Eve: He has help from all of the people whose hearts he has filled with joy.



Will full hearts, people like Mommy and Daddy take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible. So no, we are not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. We are on his team, and now you are too.



We love you and always will.



Love,



Mom and Dad (yes its an american letter)



(Source Unknown)

[asoctoberfalls]

Well... It sounds like this is flameful in these parts, but we have told DS (4) that Santa is just for fun and he's not real. I never believed in Santa and it certainly didn't spoil my Christmas. DH and I kind of fought about it though, because DS flat out asked me if Santa was real and I said no. DH thought that was a decision we should make together. I see where he is coming from, but I was put on the spot when DS asked me, I didn't want to lie to him, and I wasn't quick thinking enough to put off his question without answering.

We told DS that some of his classmates believe in Santa and that it's fun for them, so he shouldn't tell them that he's not real. I hope DS listens to that part. I don't want to spoil it for other kids.

[lindsaymg]

Dec 11, 2015 10:18:36 GMT -5 mlt said:

My mom told me when I was 7. She explained it really well and said Santa was someone parents invented to help make Christmas really magical for kids and teach us all about the spirit of giving. She said it was just as fun to be Santa as to believe in Santa and immediately enlisted my help to keep the secret going for my little brother. I felt so important that year keeping it going for him.

ETA forgot to say I hope to be able to explain it as well to my kids.

This is what I want to do with DS, he has a sister 7 years his junior and I hope to have him make it magical for her. I am hoping to get one more year of believing though!

[Deleted]

We've already addressed this with our oldest. She came to me and said, "is Santa real?" I asked her what she thought and she said she didn't think he was real and that parents were Santa. I told her she was right, but that it was important that she not take anyone's magic away by telling them. She was fine with Santa not being real, but she had a big old drama fest about "not having any magic anymore!!!"

I am willing to be that it won't be as big of a deal when it comes up as you are imagining.

[h]

CheeringCharm, I read that letter a while back as well and really liked it. I tried to incorporate some of those thoughts into my conversation with DS1, and I think it was helpful.

[anna7602]

Dec 11, 2015 10:21:41 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

My plan is to lie to DD/make stuff up in response to "Santa isn't real" comments until she's old enough to be okay with not believing. Then we will focus on the "magic of santa" and the "spirit" of what he stands for. My parents did that with us and it was pretty amazing. It's also why I tell people I believe in Santa still.

I do think the internet overanalyzes this to death. I think most kids just grow out of it naturally/come to it on their terms. Kids are scarred for life over Santa because their parents keep dragging it through the mud...lol.

I checked myself out of the internet after the ML disaster..haha. You can have both a place for Jesus and Santa if you want it. Therapy is not needed because you "lied" to your kids about Santa. Quit sucking the fun out of everything. The end.

I agree with all of this. DD (7) still believes in Santa. Meanwhile, we just had a conversation yesterday about whether Jesus is "real." It was a good convo (we're only culturally religious in our home, ie, I do all the Hispanic Christmas traditions and we celebrate Hanukkah and Passover with specific meals, etc.). I did, however, ask DD to refrain from telling kids at school or telling my family at Christmas that she doubts Jesus.

[Deleted]

I had a boyfriend who told me he doesn't believe in God and put that in the same category as Santa. I am (and was at the time) agnostic/fairly ambivalent about religion and was appalled. I'm sure that's what we're all trying to avoid with the whole Santa myth but he is the only one I've ever heard say that so I believe that it happens kind of organically, and I'm okay with that.

[carolinagirl831]

you know, i think most kids actually come to this realization on their own. I don't know it's something you actually have to tell her. I'd just let her enjoy it! 6 is fine to believe all in that. so cute!

[jeaniebueller]

Dec 11, 2015 10:25:03 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

My eyes are rolling out of my head at everyone on ML who is sad for children who don't believe in Santa. I have no recollection of ever believing in Santa and Christmas was still the best fucking time of the year. And my family didn't make it about Jesus, either. I am making no effort to convince DD that Santa is real (in fact, I've already told her he's just pretend), but that doesn't mean we're all sanctimonious about it or that we eschew him from our traditions or fun at Christmas.

I knew from a reallllly young age that there was no santa as a result of us finding the hidden gifts (lol), but even after that, I still looked for santa in the car on Christmas eve on my way home from my grandparents house and kind of hoped he was real. Anyway, Christmas was still fun either way!

My DS is showing no signs this year of being figuring it out. I am hoping he will because it will be so much nicer when he doesn't believe so I can take him shopping with me when I shop for DD, etc.

[Noblegirl]

Dec 11, 2015 10:28:44 GMT -5 @peggyolson said:

Dec 11, 2015 10:20:39 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

You could do what my mom did and insist that Santa was real up until your kids are 20+.
Lol. We seriously never had a conversation about it.

Same. I did not acknowledge to my mom that Santa wasn't real until I had my own kids and needed tips on how to "be Santa." I was 25. 

LOL--how cruel of a trick would have been on your mom to tell her that when you woke up on Christmas morning that Santa didn't leave your kids any presents.  

[Cicero]

We don't do Santa but we do celebrate St. Nicholas Day. I'm not sure what I'm going to say TBH. We don't tell him that St. Nicholas is the one leaving him treats but do tell him the story of St. Nicholas. I don't know if he'll ever make the connection between that and Santa but I guess I could draw the parallel for him.

With regard to feeling sorry for the kids who don't get Santa: Meh.  Feel sorry for him if you want but I don't.  He gets the same amount of gifts as he would if we did Santa plus he gets another day of small gifts earlier in the month.  Magic times two.

[zarapipe]

Dec 11, 2015 12:44:28 GMT -5 carolinagirl831 said:

you know, i think most kids actually come to this realization on their own. I don't know it's something you actually have to tell her. I'd just let her enjoy it! 6 is fine to believe all in that. so cute!

Oh I don't intend to tell her but I think someone else is going to at school. I want her to belive forever! I hope it happens like some pp have said, just gradual disbelief instead of someone on the bus telling her he isn't real out of the blue

[thebreakfastclub]

I hope it just evolves over time and that he's done with it by 2nd grade at the latest. My nephew weirdly hung on for a long time. This is his first Christmas admitting he knows it's not real, and he's 12.

[rugbywife]

All I know if that I have no memory of the following:

Believing in Santa
Being told he didn't exist
Telling someone he didn't exist
Caring about Santa.

I figure I can't screw my kid up too much.

[penguingrrl]

My mom never told me and also never confirmed or denied his existence. When I was in 3rd grade (8, almost 9) I started to question and asked and she said "Do you think I'd buy you all those presents?" I honestly thought she wouldn't, so that kept me believing for a few more years.

Then when I was in 5th grade (10, almost 11) my older sister got a nightshirt that said "I still believe in Santa" and that was when I figured it out for sure. But I had to play cool and look like I was in on the joke all along. It's only in the past year that I told my mom that that was what finally made me realize Santa wasn't real.

Several of my friends tried to convince me over the years, starting in K. But I refused to believe them. My 8 year old still very firmly believes, but my 6 year old is on the fence (she's the more logical and pragmatic one, so we always kind of knew she would figure it out first).

My ILs sign all the gifts to their kids and grandkids from Santa, so no discussion there.

[rootbeerfloat]

When DS started asking questions, I gave him vague answers like "well, what do you think?" It was never important to me that he believe forever, but I also wanted him to come to his own conclusion, and he did. And he was fairly excited about it, like he was old enough to be in some big secret. My biggest worry was that he would spoil it for DD, but so far he hasn't.

[momof2boys]

My 9 year old found out this year...he asked me in passing a few times and I kept saying we'll talk about it later b/c I wanted to research and think about the best way to say it.  Then I get a text from my husband " DS1 asked if Santa was real, I said no and told him not to tell anyone."  That night I sat down with DS1 to see if he wanted to talk about it and he said "no, i'm good."

On another note my 8 year old was told by friends that the tooth fairy isn't real and thought it was the most hilarious thing ever!

Apparently I don't even know how old my kid is...he is 10

[laurack]

I don't think there was ever a conversation about it really. We just realized santa wasn't real.

I assumed the same would happen with my kids but if a conversation is necessary I'll just keep it simple and say yes, he doesn't exist, but it's a fun part of Christmas for young kids so DON'T RUIN IT FOR YOUR BROTHER OR YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE

[cjeanette]

Dec 11, 2015 10:14:13 GMT -5 zarapipe said:

All the ML santa threads have me thinking


Like when someone tells dd (which could happen any minute bc she is going on 6) what am I going to say?! She is going to be absolutely crushed. Last night she said when she grows up she wants to be Santa's wife. Then she said, "he is going to be really old by then but that's ok"

I died a little. She said it was okay that she would be his 2nd wife too. She wouldn't care.

Sorry, E is already planning on marrying Santa.  He's taken.