If all you have is two possible first names and a state, I'm going to say no.
And I've never seen a background check that pulled adoption records. If that was the case finding biological family would be much easier.
That said, I suppose if you're that curious you could hire a PI, but don't be disappointed if it doesn't turn out well.
I'm not going to fault the woman for calling your sister at work. I'm assuming she didn't know it was a work number and she found it online or something. There are so many sites that mine personal data and make it available for a small fee.
I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your mom, but you may want to think about the ramifications of possibly hunting down a secret she's kept for decades.
Post by laurenpetro on Dec 14, 2015 11:01:13 GMT -5
I assume your sister's LinkedIn came up in her search. IDK if she has an account but it's the first thing that came to mind.
As for the caller, all you can do is wait it out I guess. She has your sisters cell. If she chooses to call it then she'll do it. I don't blame her for being gun shy.
Um... I know this is missing the point a little, but it concerns me that she called your sister at work.
LOL. not at all. We were very WTF about that. We literally can't figure out how she found my sister or her work #.
Have you or your sister googled her name, if she has your Mom's name finding out her children's info is a matter of public record? Heck I found out my cousin had married (secretly) when doing a genealogy search. it may have been in an article that she worked at X place and from there she just called.
If all you have is two possible first names and a state, I'm going to say no.
And I've never seen a background check that pulled adoption records. If that was the case finding biological family would be much easier.
That said, I suppose if you're that curious you could hire a PI, but don't be disappointed if it doesn't turn out well.
I'm not going to fault the woman for calling your sister at work. I'm assuming she didn't know it was a work number and she found it online or something. There are so many sites that mine personal data and make it available for a small fee. I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your mom, but you may want to think about the ramifications of possibly hunting down a secret she's kept for decades.
I agree with this. I can see why you'd be curious OP, but I don't know if I'd say this is for you to seek closure on. Either this woman is wrong, or your parents (at least your mom) have a very vested interest in keeping this private. I'd respect that, at least while your parents are alive anyway.
We Googled, my sister has no social media presence whatsoever which is why we found it funny(ish). My brother and I are much easier to find. My sister is also the only one of us with a common name. We weren't angry, just amused. I'm sure she was going beyond Google since she has known about us for more than 15 years. I bet she has some Geneology results.
Post by downtoearth on Dec 14, 2015 11:28:51 GMT -5
Wow, I would totally want to know also and would want to find out. I bet a PI might be a good route, but I don't know any. I would also look at adoption finding websites. I have to google them, but my adopted cousin put her information (name, date of birth, place of birth, etc.) up there to try to find her biological mother/father/siblings. Maybe you could search one of those, but without her name or month of birth, it might be hard to just search the city. Good luck finding out the truth.
Plus, I think finding work number information for me would be way easier than home/cell stuff. I have work stuff out there more easily.
Wow, I would totally want to know also and would want to find out. I bet a PI might be a good route, but I don't know any. I would also look at adoption finding websites. I have to google them, but my adopted cousin put her information (name, date of birth, place of birth, etc.) up there to try to find her biological mother/father/siblings. Maybe you could search one of those, but without her name or month of birth, it might be hard to just search the city. Good luck finding out the truth.
Plus, I think finding work number information for me would be way easier than home/cell stuff. I have work stuff out there more easily.
Did she have any luck?
I registered with one that is anonymous and I was able to join even with as little info as I had. I did not get a match, but I have not updated since figuring out that she may not have been born in (year). And she may not be registered there. It seems like there are dozens of sites out there.
H has a brother who was adopted more than a decade before he was born. MIL has hired a PI to find him and to my knowledge has had zero luck--and she has a lot more information than you do, such as exact birthdate and place of birth.
Wow, I would totally want to know also and would want to find out. I bet a PI might be a good route, but I don't know any. I would also look at adoption finding websites. I have to google them, but my adopted cousin put her information (name, date of birth, place of birth, etc.) up there to try to find her biological mother/father/siblings. Maybe you could search one of those, but without her name or month of birth, it might be hard to just search the city. Good luck finding out the truth.
Plus, I think finding work number information for me would be way easier than home/cell stuff. I have work stuff out there more easily.
Did she have any luck?
I registered with one that is anonymous and I was able to join even with as little info as I had. I did not get a match, but I have not updated since figuring out that she may not have been born in 1982. And she may not be registered there. It seems like there are dozens of sites out there.
Her adoption involved international parents/siblings, so she had some luck getting a city where her mom was from and perhaps another adopted sibling (also went to US), but I think she stopped actively looking a couple years ago.
Post by StrawberryBlondie on Dec 14, 2015 12:01:30 GMT -5
I also don't really think this is your issue to seek closure on. I mean, I get it. I found out when I was in law school that my aunt had a baby and gave it up for adoption a year or two before I was born. It bothered me to know I had a cousin out there somewhere that o didn't know anything about. But, I ultimately feel like it was my place. My aunt wanted to keep it secret for a reason, and I need to respect that.
For what it's worth, I'm not sure her son knows, either.
In Kansas, birth certificates list previous number of live births by mother. Does your state not have that? That would be interesting to see what it says.
Have you dug around your mom's stuff? Checked for years when pictures are missing. Check the date your parents were actually married, signs your dad wasn't around as long as he said--whatever you can find to help identify the year and maybe even month?
Post by penguingrrl on Dec 14, 2015 12:06:13 GMT -5
As hard as it is, it sounds like your parents kept it a secret for a reason (if, indeed, she was the birth mother). I don't know that I would feel right opening what is potentially an old wound like that.
I think you should leave this alone. it doesn't sound like, to me, you want to find this woman because she might be your her sister and, if so, you would like to forge a relationship with her, you want to catch your parents in a lie.
Thank you for articulating why this was bothering me.
In Kansas, birth certificates list previous number of live births by mother. Does your state not have that? That would be interesting to see what it says.
Have you dug around your mom's stuff? Checked for years when pictures are missing. Check the date your parents were actually married, signs your dad wasn't around as long as he said--whatever you can find to help identify the year and maybe even month?
Other relatives you can talk to?
What? No. Don't do any of this. I cannot imagine how this would end any other way than total alienation from my mother and quite likely numerous other family members. This is really invasive.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Dec 14, 2015 12:14:07 GMT -5
If she was born in 1982 or around then, those records are likely closed and without much info, you will probably not have any luck finding her. I was born and adopted in 1980 and I remember looking into it and it was going to be a lot of legal hoops.
However, my bio mom did find me. And she wasn't what I expected and she wasn't totally mentally...there, and I regretted engaging her at all. The fact that she contacted your sister at work is concerning.
The biggest advice that I want to give you, which isn't a thing you asked for, is have a very clear idea of what kind of relationship you're willing to have. I get the curiosity, seriously, but I do think you need to lay out some boundaries for yourself before embarking on anything.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I think you should leave this alone. it doesn't sound like, to me, you want to find this woman because she might be your her sister and, if so, you would like to forge a relationship with her, you want to catch your parents in a lie.
Ouch. My point in saying my parents are liars is that all of this is well within the realm of possibility. I have no interest in being sucked into any more of their drama(s) unnecessarily. I have no intention of "outing" them publicly. They are embarrassing enough. I would be open to a relationship if this woman is my sister but experts caution people in this situation against having high expectations of this playing out like a Lifetime movie, which is why I said we are strangers who share biological ties. We may find out the truth, talk a few times, and send each other Christmas cards once a year. That is just as successful of s reunion as one in which we find we have a ton in common and visit each other and become close. So, I am cautious, not uninterested.
Post by hopecounts on Dec 14, 2015 12:18:38 GMT -5
Also are the other big lives potentially part of keeping the adoption secret? While wrong that is a slightly different deal that I'd cut them slack on, lies like that can grow out of control and they may not have known how to stop it. For example the adoption was secret so they told lie A to keep it that way, but then that required lie B. I can see how it could've gotten away from them unintentionally. But yes this is a private matter for your Mom to deal with, you should let it be unless or until she opens the door. 82 was the tail end of 'the girls who went away' era and all that entails. Her view of the adoption and herself is likely highly impacted by that stigma.
Also are the other big lives potentially part of keeping the adoption secret? While wrong that is a slightly different deal that I'd cut them slack on, lies like that can grow out of control and they may not have known how to stop it. For example the adoption was secret so they told lie A to keep it that way, but then that required lie B. I can see how it could've gotten away from them unintentionally. But yes this is a private matter for your Mom to deal with, you should let it be unless or until she opens the door. 82 was the tail end of 'the girls who went away' era and all that entails. Her view of the adoption and herself is likely highly impacted by that stigma.
Yes, I can see that. For example, my grandparents were divorced and my mother did not grow up with her mother and siblings. This may explain why.
Post by picksthemusic on Dec 14, 2015 12:31:20 GMT -5
So, I have some perspective. I am an adoptee, and my birth mother found me in February. She did a search through a local adoption reunion non-profit. There was a mediator, and a chance to decline the reunion. We had to sign paperwork to release our personal information, etc. We have since met and gotten together twice, and email/text regularly. It's been very surreal and weird, but also wonderful.
Anyway, I would absolutely talk to your mother about this and how she feels. Let her know how you feel (that you'd like to connect with your possible half sister), and even if she doesn't want anything to do with her/the situation, that you would like to at least make the connection. That should give you a good place to start. Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you have any more questions.
My mom was adopted. We have met her birth mom and sister that was raised by birth mom. I think my mom might have met birth brother raised by mom too. So I have a small amount of experience in this area.
#1 - it is totally plausable they may have given a child up for adoption. My mom was the 3rd child and she dreamed her whole life she had a little brother. Turned out, the same parents also had a 4th child and gave him up for adoption.
#2 - While things were good for a while between mom and her birth mom, birth mom was seriously embarrassed when years after my mom found her, another child found her. It also soured her relationship with her daughter. She would have had an abortion if they were legal in the 50s. Her husband was an asshole and said she could choose the child or him, and she chose him because she couldn't support herself. Having her hard choices come back to haunt her 40+ and 50+ years later wasn't easy for her and made her daughter feel her mom was a liar, but mom felt like she had no privacy about hard choices she made in the past which are kind of not daughter's business.
I'm glad adopted out son tracked her down because now we have a relationship as uncle and niece. And it's really cool because my mom grew up an only child so she has this "brother" out there when she had none before. Same for him. They are much more "normal" than the birth brother and sister raised by the original parents so it goes to show it was a good decision for everyone.
To reiterate the points above, the only people whose business this is are your parents and that woman, IF she is even related to them. What if your mom was raped and had the baby and gave it up for adoption and you are pushing and pushing to find this information out? Or, what if your mom had an affair on your dad, he never knew so was never bothered by it, they are still married, and you push for this to come out and it ruins their marriage? Even if they aren't happy, they have chosen to still be together and your pushing could destroy that when they may be too old to find someone new. (eta - missed that they are divorced so this last part is irrelevant).
I totally understand curiosity. But it seems more harm can come of this than good.
Post by StrawberryBlondie on Dec 14, 2015 12:37:46 GMT -5
Look, I don't know where your sister works, but I do know that even though my own LinkedIn and Facebook say where I work, actually getting my work number would be really, really difficult. Hence why I'm concerned about that part.
This is not a challenge to those of you who know me.
My mom was adopted. We have met her birth mom and sister that was raised by birth mom. I think my mom might have met birth brother raised by mom too. So I have a small amount of experience in this area.
#1 - it is totally plausable they may have given a child up for adoption. My mom was the 3rd child and she dreamed her whole life she had a little brother. Turned out, the same parents also had a 4th child and gave him up for adoption.
#2 - While things were good for a while between mom and her birth mom, birth mom was seriously embarrassed when years after my mom found her, another child found her. It also soured her relationship with her daughter. She would have had an abortion if they were legal in the 50s. Her husband was an asshole and said she could choose the child or him, and she chose him because she couldn't support herself. Having her hard choices come back to haunt her 40+ and 50+ years later wasn't easy for her and made her daughter feel her mom was a liar, but mom felt like she had no privacy about hard choices she made in the past which are kind of not daughter's business.
I'm glad adopted out son tracked her down because now we have a relationship as uncle and niece. And it's really cool because my mom grew up an only child so she has this "brother" out there when she had none before. Same for him. They are much more "normal" than the birth brother and sister raised by the original parents so it goes to show it was a good decision for everyone.
To reiterate the points above, the only people whose business this is are your parents and that woman, IF she is even related to them. What if your mom was raped and had the baby and gave it up for adoption and you are pushing and pushing to find this information out? Or, what if your mom had an affair on your dad, he never knew so was never bothered by it, they are still married, and you push for this to come out and it ruins their marriage? Even if they aren't happy, they have chosen to still be together and your pushing could destroy that when they may be too old to find someone new.
I totally understand curiosity. But it seems more harm can come of this than good.
OP said that her parents have since divorced, but I agree with the other points raised here.
OP, if this woman is your mother's child, you have no idea what circumstances led to your mom's decision to give her up for adoption. There is a very real possibility that digging into the details of this adoption may open up some painful history for your mom. I think you need to talk to her about this, and if you decide to pursue finding this woman at the very least you need to let your mom know what you are doing.