There are so many ways to be a failure as a parent. Not being able to deliver your child at home is really a shitty thing to start off your list. She needs to get some perspective.
Oh, my bad. Given the URL, thought this article was going to be about getting through the birth of another child while grieving one you'd lost. But it's instead about some lady who obsesses far too much 4 years out.
I get the PTSD. I get wanting a totally different experience after a traumatic delivery, but this article rubs me the wrong way. Also, what kind of person wants a home birth AFTER a shoulder dystocia experience?
Post by cabbagecabbage on May 1, 2016 11:49:18 GMT -5
I try and remember that everyone's feeling are valid and I hate labor horror stories but I kind of want to grab this woman and yell in her face that (all kinds of trigger warnings ahead) my sister labored from 23 weeks to 28 weeks using up the maximum amount of every drug that can be used to stop labor. She was sent home still laboring because they couldn't give her anything else without grave danger to her babies. She had her water break at 28 weeks and laid on a gurney until a surgeon could give her a c-section hours later and she was fully dilated before she had any pain meds. She had 2 NICU babies and held one as he died at three days old. She pumped milk every 2 hours for 4 months until her son could nurse and lived at the NICU until he came home with a monitor that screeched any time his breathing was off and I don't think she slept a 4 hour stretch for a year. And I never once heard her bitch as much as a single paragraph of this crap.
Post by sparkythelawyer on May 1, 2016 11:52:15 GMT -5
She lost me at "This" baby was supposed to heal her and TWO pushes and a small dose of pitocin. She does indeed need to build a bridge and get over it.
I never once heard her bitch as much as a single paragraph of this crap.
I'm so so sorry .
I am too. She's my baby sister. I would have traded anything to do it in her place but, you know, life. Good news is my nephew is an awesome feisty four-year-old now.
"Ask yourself, “Is this going to matter in five years, in 10 years?” If the answer is no—don’t worry about it. In fact just stop worrying. Period. Worrying steals your joy. So does comparing. So stop doing that too. This journey is yours. Comparing yourself and your life to anyone else is completely futile.'
Stupid cow. We were offered therapy after DD's birth because it went so wrong. Whilst not the Pain Olympics, we were so thankful she was alive and healthy, everything else paled into insignificance.
I can't imagine she's very pleasant to be around if a variation in her plan caused nearly half a decade of grief. I want to smack her too.
And I'm wondering how much of this emotional shitshow has been passed along, even if only subconsciously, to the kid. I mean, I had textbook pregnancies and my longer labor was two hours, and still, within the last week I used my "I was pregnant for 42 weeeeeeeks card." The difference is I said it with a laugh, and my kid laughed with me. Hate to say it, but I feel sorry for her kid.
This is why the person came up with the idea of a birth plan should be found and beaten with a sock full of quarters. A plan sets you up for disappointment. A plan makes it tough for a person to go with the flow and change when change is needed. This is ridiculous. Sure, it is ok to be disappointed that you could not have your home birth, but to still be sad to this degree four years later is insane.
The funny thing is, her birth experience sounds nearly identical to mine, except my MW refused to allow me to go that long with the baby stuck. I kind of side eye that part, but all I know is my own experience and health care provider.
I wanted a home birth, got a hosptial birth. I was a little sad that they gave me drugs bc "that wasn't my plan" (and it did shit for my pain. I felt every damn thing) but damn. That lady is a little crazy. And whiny. And crazy. And in desperate need of perspective. I am happy that the doctor allowed me to attempt vaginally with suction before he went to a csection but I would have been fine with it had he said he had no choice. (Not that I am against one method or anything just that I knew that I'd have to recover vaginally AND abdominally due to how much my pelvis wouldn't let his head through).
I remember being sad for a bit after. Not this overbearingly buy just a little. Now? 5/6 years later? I super don't care. Just crazy to be this sad over a healthy child and successful (as in live child) birth.
There is something about a person holding on to a disappointment this strongly and for this long. I remember an episode of Oprah where they were doing stories about wedding disasters and this one young woman has had headaches every day after her wedding reception went to hell due to a huge thunderstorm that rolled in. It was an outdoor affair under a tent that was pretty much destroyed by the rain and wind.
Anyway, I can't imagine holding on to something so strongly that I have physical side effects. So much energy going in a negative direction.
This is why the person came up with the idea of a birth plan should be found and beaten with a sock full of quarters. A plan sets you up for disappointment. A plan makes it tough for a person to go with the flow and change when change is needed. This is ridiculous. Sure, it is ok to be disappointed that you could not have your home birth, but to still be sad to this degree four years later is insane.
As someone whose super breezy birthplan never made it out of my bag due to a scary fast delivery, I disagree.
I'm glad I wrote everything down and made my wishes known to MH. It helped him try to get what I wanted when I was in too much pain to advocate for himself. Sure, I only got one thing that went according to plan, but without it, I would have had zero.
Heh....I'd love to tell this woman about my awesome birth experience....11 weeks early....emergency c section....crying as I was being wheeled into the OR saying this wasn't supposed to happen this way. In the end, I feel fortunate that a) my child lived and is healthy and b) I lived too because I lost a lot of blood and required a transfusion. I get being disappointed that things don't go according to plan and all, but really now...I think there are far worse things that can happen in childbirth and just in general.
I'm actually not a huge fan in the scary mommy website....there's one article on there about being a single mom - and the writer makes it sound like that's something's to be ashamed of. She also makes the baby's father sound like the biggest piece of shit that abandoned her and their kid. I happen to know not only her, but also the father and let me tell you, the entire article is nothing but bs. You would never know it though from the comments slamming the poor father.
This is why the person came up with the idea of a birth plan should be found and beaten with a sock full of quarters. A plan sets you up for disappointment. A plan makes it tough for a person to go with the flow and change when change is needed. This is ridiculous. Sure, it is ok to be disappointed that you could not have your home birth, but to still be sad to this degree four years later is insane.
As someone whose super breezy birthplan never made it out of my bag due to a scary fast delivery, I disagree.
I'm glad I wrote everything down and made my wishes known to MH. It helped him try to get what I wanted when I was in too much pain to advocate for himself. Sure, I only got one thing that went according to plan, but without it, I would have had zero.
There are birth plans and there are BIRTH PLANS and I think the latter is where this write falls. I think is one thing to lay it out for your partner what you perfer/wish to happen in case you cannot communicate that yourself and just so he knows the hoped for game plan, but given that anything can and will happen during labor and delivery, I think clinging to a plan too tightly and not being able to bend easily is setting that person up for profound disappointment.
But that is just my opinion. From my own experience, those of my friends and reading articles like that one linked here.
As someone whose super breezy birthplan never made it out of my bag due to a scary fast delivery, I disagree.
I'm glad I wrote everything down and made my wishes known to MH. It helped him try to get what I wanted when I was in too much pain to advocate for himself. Sure, I only got one thing that went according to plan, but without it, I would have had zero.
There are birth plans and there are BIRTH PLANS and I think the latter is where this write falls. I think is one thing to lay it out for your partner what you perfer/wish to happen in case you cannot communicate that yourself and just so he knows the hoped for game plan, but given that anything can and will happen during labor and delivery, I think clinging to a plan too tightly and not being able to bend easily is setting that person up for profound disappointment.
But that is just my opinion. From my own experience, those of my friends and reading articles like that one linked here.
No, I agree with that. I think all birth plans need to include some sort of caveat that everything applies "if circumstances allow."
Post by phdprocrastinator on May 1, 2016 13:38:39 GMT -5
OK, fine, you can feel sad your plan didn't with out. Someone should have helped you come to with reasonable expectations considering you had PTSD from your previous birth.
What I want to know is: who the hell is talking to you about your birth experience four years later? Dd2 is 1.5 and it's probably been over 1.25 years since someone's asked me about her birth. Maybe everyone's tired of rehashing it. Maybe they're flailing about, trying to get your to change the subject when they bring up how great your son is.
And that's the problem with the fairy tale birth stories all over the internet. People are treating birth like a wedding, planning it down to the most minute details. We know brides and grooms can end up miserable when plans need to change. This is a distinct likelihood with child birth.. We need to stop trying to script or lives like reality TV.
(I agree that a loose plan is great. Easier to communicate with everyone. Especially things like who should be present during delivery, wanting to try no drugs, etc. But when things change, Be ready)
I can't imagine she's very pleasant to be around if a variation in her plan caused nearly half a decade of grief. I want to smack her too.
And I'm wondering how much of this emotional shitshow has been passed along, even if only subconsciously, to the kid. I mean, I had textbook pregnancies and my longer labor was two hours, and still, within the last week I used my "I was pregnant for 42 weeeeeeeks card." The difference is I said it with a laugh, and my kid laughed with me. Hate to say it, but I feel sorry for her kid.
i
This kind of resentment ( not your kind but crazy blog lady kind) totally gets passed on. I had a friend whose birth caused some injuries to the Mom that took years to recover from. Mom kept telling kid it's because she was " big" kid develops ED that almost kills her.
I'm starting to hate the whole Scary Mommy deal. Every single one is just some entitled woman bitching about some circumstance of her life you shouldn't talk to her about, are talking to her wrong about, or should be able to read her mind about.
Nothing about my son's birth went as I'd hoped, but I was fine and so was the baby. In the end I knew that everyone did everything they could, including me. A C/S was necessary after 42 weeks and 3 days of labor. Oh well.
I feel like this lady needs some serious therapy for being unable to let go of the fact that she couldn't control childbirth.
Post by underwaterrhymes on May 1, 2016 18:24:13 GMT -5
I get being disappointed. With K, I was hoping for a Med-free birth, but fractured ribs and contractions that started two minutes apart meant I embraced the hell out of the epidural and named my kid after the anesthesiologist.
But his birth was still so beautiful.
And with N I didn't want an induction and I screwed up the day and so delivered a day earlier than expected.
And his was beautiful too.
So, barring any major complications that are extreme or dangerous for mother and / or baby (and I am thinking of people like Que? here, who do have legitimate reason to continue to think mournfully about the birthing process) I don't understand not walking away from delivering your healthy child as a healthy mom seeing the beauty in the process, regardless of whether it was how you planned.
Not exactly the same, but I remember before I was even TTC, someone on fb was talking about CSection Awareness Week, and I said, truly without snark, "am I missing something? Are C-sections things that people aren't aware of? And what would thay help?" and got ripped a new one by someone who sounded a LOT like this lady.
And so I don't catch shit, the movement in question was actually about educating ppl about the overuse of CS, which is a very legitimate concern in some areas, but the tirade she unleashed was something else entirely.
I knew someone who, at 7.5 months along, was driving home from a labor class with a friend who was slightly less along, when they were involved in a damn serious crash (not their fault...another drive hit them). She was driving and yes, was wearing a seatbelt, but still managed to hit the steering wheel with enough force to bend it with her stomach. The ambulance came and relayed this to the hospital (a smaller hospital in a fairly agricultural community, without a trauma center) en route. When they arrived, the ER physician wanted to finish stitching somebody's thumb before he came to check the two pregnant women. He determined that her baby was dead in utero and went to care for the other mother, whose baby was still healthy and able to be monitored. They called the OB on-call to come confirm the baby's death and let the mother know. When the OB got there almost 20 minutes later, he found a heartbeat and discovered the baby was not dead after all. So she had been sitting in the corridor, not knowing what was going on but thinking the worst, and not getting care and the baby not getting care; the OB took his time because he was told the baby was dead and the baby in the meantime was not getting treatment and was oxygen deprived. The OB, to minimize any further trauma, delivered the baby in a room off the hallway, with only local anesthetic and telling her it was going to hurt like hell but he needed to get the baby out as quickly as possible. She was born with CP, brain damage and blind. Her mother was just thankful that, as hard as it was to raise her, she was alive and could love her. Her parents built a house on their property for the family and fitted it with everything you could think of to make her life as healthy and happy as possible, and helped in every which way. She lived to almost five years old, and everybody in that family adored that little girl. I can guaran-freaking-tee that was not the birth plan for their little girl.