I'll say this. My mother loves all three of her grandchildren more than words can express. My brother is (was?) the golden child and can do no wrong.
She watches my niece and nephew for my brother and SIL and she's really come to resent them (not the kids) for how much they've taken advantage of her.
She set boundaries, but they've come expect her to drop everything and watch the kids whenever they need her to. It's to the point where she can barely enjoy her time with the kids anymore because she's essentially become another parent. At this point in her life, that's not the kind of relationship she wants with her grandchildren.
So even if you think it's going to be all sunshine and roses, there is very much a shift in how you'll look at that grandchild compared to the others whether you want it to happen or not.
(And this is why Will remains her favorite. Just sayin.)
My stepmother retired in order to take care of the grandkids. She spends 2 days / week with each (non-school-aged) kid. She LOVES it. But, we've had to set really clear boundaries, and we are glad to have done so. My stepsister and her H totally take advantage and my stepmom absolutely resents them for it.
So, all I have to contribute to this conversation is boundaries. Set them firmly and revisit them when you need to. There are many considerations here, beyond a loss of income.
My parents (both retired) watch my sister's kids 2 days a week. They only offered two days because they wanted to have days during the week to do the things they want or need to do (doctors appointments, hair cuts, lunches with friends, etc.).
Another thing to consider is you will be giving up a lot of your freedom, ie. having to do things around nap schedules, feedings, etc.
Again I don't know you and this isn't meant to be a judgmental question, but this is not your first grandchild to be born. Why this grandchild do you want to quit work to watch but not the previous?
Again I don't know you and this isn't meant to be a judgmental question, but this is not your first grandchild to be born. Why this grandchild do you want to quit work to watch but not the previous?
This is the first grandchild to live in the same town. My SS and his wife just moved here in the same town as us and we watch their kids almost every weekend. I don't need to watch those two during the day because their mother doesn't work.
Again I don't know you and this isn't meant to be a judgmental question, but this is not your first grandchild to be born. Why this grandchild do you want to quit work to watch but not the previous?
This is the first grandchild to live in the same town. My SS and his wife just moved here in the same town as us and we watch their kids almost every weekend. I don't need to watch those two during the day because their mother doesn't work.
1. You have the ability to pay off the mortgage, but your husband just "doesn't want to?" I would really push for more explanation than that because this is your financial future too.
2. Your husband might not want a child in the home all the time. If I was retired and had medical problems, I sure as hell wouldn't, grandkids or not.
What's your DD going to do about the days you aren't watching the baby if you do work part time? PT daycare or childcare isn't the easiest thing to find/maintain.
And does she NEED you to watch the baby or do you just want to? Because if it's not a need, I would channel your enthusiasm for date nights and special occasions.
Let's say you watch the baby full time. What's a 5 year+ hiatus going to do to you career wise? Or would you go into permanent retirement?
When the next babies come about, are you going to watch them, too?
And are they secure in their careers there? No chance of them leaving after you make this decision?
I get why this is an exciting prospect and i know you are a smart woman, but it seems like this may not be worth it to your future or your marriage
This is tricky, because I don't know you well enough to offer sound advice, other than to echo some concerns that others have (not regarding whether or not your DD is cool with your watching your grandchild, etc./whut?) regarding your H, more stress on you two, that sort of a thing. Finances on your H when he's had health problems raises major red flags to me. Not in a rude way, just based on your posts. I'm sure there's a lot of details that you'd have figured out.
I mean, it sounds like this is an absolute must for you. I have my musts, too.
Post by underwaterrhymes on May 4, 2016 19:41:45 GMT -5
Honestly, I would not quit.
Health insurance is expensive as shit. The boys and I are not currently covered under H's plan, so we pay $1,600 a month. Right now you have coverage through your company. Obviously yours wouldn't be that high, but it's not just a 20% loss you're looking at.
I would make yourself available for babysitting and the random day off here and there, but I would stick to the three-year plan. Pay off your mortgage. Love the shit out of that baby often. And revisit down the line.
Post by compassrose on May 4, 2016 19:55:39 GMT -5
I think it's a lovely thing that you'd like to look after your grandbaby. Would your plan be to do this for a few years or retire early? If it's the former, what are the chances you'd find another job after being out of the work force for a few years? I'd sit down with your financial advisor and talk about what your situation would be if you effectively retired and something happened to your DH.
If I remember correctly, day 4 and 5 in child care were the 'cheapest' days of the week. Like day 5 was $10, day 4 was $15. And days 1-3 totaled > $200.
While it maybe fun and satisfying for you to take care of grand babies (yeah!), it's not that cost effective for the patents.
If you have great benefits, what would happen if you took off 1x week? Or 2x?
If I remember correctly, day 4 and 5 in child care were the 'cheapest' days of the week. Like day 5 was $10, day 4 was $15. And days 1-3 totaled > $200.
While it maybe fun and satisfying for you to take care of grand babies (yeah!), it's not that cost effective for the patents.
If you have great benefits, what would happen if you took off 1x week? Or 2x?
One of her friends has a licensed daycare and will charge her only for the three days the baby would be in daycare.
I could take two days off per week until March but that would exhaust my PTO and I would prefer not to do that.
I'll say this. My mother loves all three of her grandchildren more than words can express. My brother is (was?) the golden child and can do no wrong.
She watches my niece and nephew for my brother and SIL and she's really come to resent them (not the kids) for how much they've taken advantage of her.
She set boundaries, but they've come expect her to drop everything and watch the kids whenever they need her to. It's to the point where she can barely enjoy her time with the kids anymore because she's essentially become another parent. At this point in her life, that's not the kind of relationship she wants with her grandchildren.
So even if you think it's going to be all sunshine and roses, there is very much a shift in how you'll look at that grandchild compared to the others whether you want it to happen or not.
(And this is why Will remains her favorite. Just sayin.)
Yeah, I live near my mom and she watches the girls sometimes, but I never want to take advantage of that to the point that I hesitate to call and ask her to watch them. So, most times it happens because she asks to see them or have them stay over and I think this has kept things happy for us, the girls and most importantly, for her.
I have a visceral reaction to giving up full time work. But I've defined part of my purpose in life in terms of my work. For me to let it go would mean I have a plan 100% in place and funded to deal with not working again. It's not for all, but it would be my standard.
I had to be certain my finances were in order before I even considered the change in work hours. If I were living check to check, or barely scraping by I would not be in the position to help with the baby.
Post by gretchenindisguise on May 4, 2016 21:30:59 GMT -5
I'm glad that people are making you think about things but I'm honestly a bit surprised by kind of the overarching theme in here discouraging you from doing this. I feel like this has been your plan for as long as I've e-known you.
Well, you have 5 months (plus whatever maternity leave time) until you'd need to stop counting on your income. So, start now. Like right now. And plop every cent of it to your mortgage principal. See how you care with that for at least your 5 months. It will be easy, or not and you can readjust as necessary to make it work, all while still having medical coverage and you'll be closer to having the mortgage paid off.
And, then by the time the baby is here, you'll know what you can and want to do. You can either put in your notice to flat out quit, or look for PT work. Good luck, his!
Are you retiring before you can fully realise your retirement benefits? That is one BIG question I have. My mom didn't have all the information (and she's bad at asking questions) so she ended up retiring a full year before she should have, and now she doesn't get as much in retirement income (by a lot) that she ought to. I think everyone else has asked good questions and I think you need to consider your long-term finances and not just your current 'wants'.
Post by iheartbanjos on May 5, 2016 5:46:08 GMT -5
I didn't read all the responses, so forgive me if this has been covered. Is your daughter able to pay you at all? My MIL babysits her local grandkids and at first did if for free. After a while, there was some resentment, so she started receiving some pay from her kids. Everyone seemed happier after that arrangement, as it's easier to discuss care with a paid worker than it is with someone doing you a huge favor.
Another thought--my company's benefits allows you to purchase insurance for a household employee such as a nanny. Does your daughter have access to anything like that?
I think overall people have given you a ton of great things to think about, even if it sways a bit negative. In my time as a SAHM I have met tons of grandparent caregivers. I have seen it go very right and very wrong I will say that most of the grandparents I've met who do it as a a "part time" thing a few days a week seem the happiest in their situation so if you can make that work with your DH and job and if your DIL can get a significant savings in child care with her friend that may be the way to go.
So much of family dynamics plays into it, but another thing to think about is your other kids/grandkids. I know they are out of town, but I'm just thinking about my good friend whose parents live in PA (we're in Fl). Her parents retired and their son went through a divorce and they ended up full time caretaking their grankids. My friend is pretty upset b/c they are rarely able to visit or do anything with her kids, particulary for any length of time, b/c their son doesn't have back up child care, etc. It has caused my friend to be pretty resentful of her parents and a HUGE rift with the brother. My cousin's mom watches her kids but was unable to watch her sister's sons b/c she was still working. THeir relationship is still fine, but there is definitely annoyance from the sister that their mom is saving her sister all this money and helping her when she didn't get the same treatment.