Post by cabbagecabbage on May 5, 2016 6:50:22 GMT -5
I've been a part-time nanny for two families in a row where the grandparent caregivers burnt out quickly and had to cut their hours drastically for their own sanity. Also, both of those grandmas started out doing it for free but quickly realized they needed money for activities, food, gas, new car seats, etc. One mom also used me as a night sitter and on sick days because she felt she could never ask her mom to babysit additional time because she already did so many hours for her. These were very loving grandmothers too but combining family and work is hard on everyone involved. Obviously I can't say how you'd feel but also you can't know how you'd feel. I feel like the dreamy idea of this is so much different from the real grind of it. Heck, when I became a SAHM I had these soft-focused ideas that I'd make money by babysitting and I'd be this sweet Mary Poppins with a line of happy children at the park. My real experience has been so different from that and for my happiness I've stuck to part-time care only.
This can only work if everyone is on board in every aspect I also do not think that her getting part time daycare would work in the ling run. Will her provider really cut that much of a break? Why would she if she can get a full time child for $$$$ instead?
I have a family member pick DS twice a week from school and hang with him until I get home and I think it is too much, although she swears she loves it.
So much of family dynamics plays into it, but another thing to think about is your other kids/grandkids. I know they are out of town, but I'm just thinking about my good friend whose parents live in PA (we're in Fl). Her parents retired and their son went through a divorce and they ended up full time caretaking their grankids. My friend is pretty upset b/c they are rarely able to visit or do anything with her kids, particulary for any length of time, b/c their son doesn't have back up child care, etc. It has caused my friend to be pretty resentful of her parents and a HUGE rift with the brother. My cousin's mom watches her kids but was unable to watch her sister's sons b/c she was still working. THeir relationship is still fine, but there is definitely annoyance from the sister that their mom is saving her sister all this money and helping her when she didn't get the same treatment.
This is a really good point. What are you going to do when you want to go see the other grandkids? Or they come to town and you have to be babysitter to your daughter's kid? I mean yeah, you can take them to do stuff, but your obvious relationship with your daughter kid over the others is going to be a bigger deal than you think. My grandma treated one set of cousins better than the rest of us. It was obvious and while we didn't really understand it, it definitely colored my view of my grandma until she died.
Again I don't know you and this isn't meant to be a judgmental question, but this is not your first grandchild to be born. Why this grandchild do you want to quit work to watch but not the previous?
This is the first grandchild to live in the same town. My SS and his wife just moved here in the same town as us and we watch their kids almost every weekend. I don't need to watch those two during the day because their mother doesn't work.
All of my other grandchildren live OOT.
So you're wanting to watch your grandkids not only every weekend, but during the week too? (Genuinely asking, not trying to be snarky)
What about time for YOU? Do you think that would burn you out, at all?
And if I was retired like your H, I would not want to be around kids every day, even if they were my own grandchildren.
I'm having a hard time responding because your response to frkls valid question was so flippant. You say you "love, love, love" your job, yet act like its crazy to wonder if you'd enjoy watching the grandbaby more.
And you have had a lot of turmoil in your life recently, I can't blame your H for being a little hesitant about you quitting, especially when you have a plan in place to pay off your home, which presumably requires your income.
Right? I don't "love, love, love" my job and I STILL would rather be at work then home with a baby.
As a grandmother who has kept all her grandkids and saved my kids a ton of money, I know where she is coming from. It is very different keeping your grandkids than your own kids. For one thing you don't have them 24/7 - and you have more patience in your older age than you did with your own I guess. But, I was also lucky enough in that I worked from home already and still do that job - just on a much smaller scale, so I still have a small income. I could make much more if I took another job and yes sometimes the money would come in handy but to me it is worth it. The 3 oldest have went into part-time preschool when they were 4, just for a year to prepare for school, but otherwise I am the full-time provider and think they have all been happy with it and yes I try hard to follow their rules.
My mom watches a little girl plus her triplet sisters (okay 4 kids) on Fridays. They're totally her faux-grandchildren, she gets along great with their parents (they adore her to the point of bringing her and my dad to a summer wedding to watch the kids), and of course she gets paid too. My dad is retired, so he usually comes over on Fridays and helps out too. I do think it's put a kink in their retirement lives, though. Taking quick trips is out of the question. My mom seems to not mind it so much, but I can tell the lack of freedom annoys my dad.
I'm not sure what your retirement plans are like with your H, but it may be something you want to consider. If you and your H are looking to do something or go out of town, it's definitely not that easy anymore, since you're primary care.
MIL insisted on watching her grandchildren. My husband's siblings took advantage of the free daycare. Some weeks, she watches them 6 to 7 days/week. They don't even provide food and don't really pay her except for maybe the free car wash or Crayola package for mother's day . We know all this because she complains to my H about it. Before we had kids, I KNEW this situation would cause problems. We decided not to put her through this and sent our kids to daycare. She knows how much we pay and is crushed about it. But, she can't watch 7 kids under 2 at the same time. This has caused a lot of drama and resentment. MIL thought it would be a dream to watch all her grandkids. Now she regrets it.
ETA: she LOVES her grandchildren and talk about them to anyone who will listen. But, she complains she can't do her daily activities anymore like help her husband run the family business (mostly accounting), go to the hairdresser when it's convenient for her,etc. She gave up going anywhere because she would need a mini bus with 5 car seats for kids under 2.
Have you REALLY talked to your H about it? Like did you tell him that you will be stuck most of the time and doing fun activities as a couple won't happen? What if you husband wants to go on a little trip? What would be the backup daycare? I would say be careful and discuss this with your daughter.
I'm glad that people are making you think about things but I'm honestly a bit surprised by kind of the overarching theme in here discouraging you from doing this. I feel like this has been your plan for as long as I've e-known you.
I think a lot of people are giving good advice and a lot of other people are looking at this situation through their own narrow filter. Obviously this would not work for everyone. Sometimes it works out amazingly! His knows her family dynamic and her relationship with her DD and SIL and her own H.
I don't know what your interest rate on your mortgage is, what the interest rate on wherever you have that money sitting to pay it off is, or if you have savings beyond that, but it seems very strange to just be taking the money out month by month to pay it when you could just pay it off now.
The health insurance for you is a valid concern, especially considering potential healthcare costs for your H. How long until you qualify for Medicare? I don't know how old you are or how any of that works, really.
I won't touch the idea of whether or not you'll enjoy doing this or those dynamics, you know your family and if you think it's a good idea, cool. But I do think there are logistical things to consider before jumping in.
My mom and MIL each watch our baby two days a week and I'm off on Fridays. It's worked out wonderfully so far and they both really love it. Another bonus is that we don't have to spend our weekends making sure they get time with her because they see her during the week. It definitely wouldn't work for everyone, though. Good luck with your decision!
My mother retired to watch DS. It is GREAT in so many ways ( she is home if he is sick, I don't have to hustle him out the door in the morning, he is super verbal because he spent the first year of his life with a woman who HAS NOT STOPPED TALKING IN 36 YEARS)
However, part of the price is that she DOESN'T always do everything I would do. We have butted heads over some things. She spoils him ROTTEN and I have had to work with him to realize he doesn't always get a toy or a treat every time we go out.
If you can pull this off I think you should. I think you need to tell H that this is a long-term dream of yours and you need his support.
One way you could earn some income would to be to watch another child a few days a week along with your grandchild. That way you can earn money towards health insurance.
I don't know what your interest rate on your mortgage is, what the interest rate on wherever you have that money sitting to pay it off is, or if you have savings beyond that, but it seems very strange to just be taking the money out month by month to pay it when you could just pay it off now.
The health insurance for you is a valid concern, especially considering potential healthcare costs for your H. How long until you qualify for Medicare? I don't know how old you are or how any of that works, really.
I won't touch the idea of whether or not you'll enjoy doing this or those dynamics, you know your family and if you think it's a good idea, cool. But I do think there are logistical things to consider before jumping in.
I get this and I am semi like this. We have a few things we could pay off theoretically but I just can't depart with my cash savings. I grew up poor so it is really hard for mt to let go.
However I don't have multiple years of expenses saved. LOL.
HIS - Since you are flush and really want to help, could you offer your daughter $$ towards daycare to ease that hardship a little? It would be less than quitting your job altogether and you can keep your insurance.
Listen, this situation has like 96 bright red flags from where I sit, but you plainly want to and are looking for ways to be talked into it. Which is perfectly fine since you know your actual financial, marriage, and parenting dynamics best. No matter what, you will soon have another delightful grandchild in your life. Mazel tov.
My parents watch my siblings kids. They have one on one day and one on another. My brother has a nanny the other four days and my sister uses a daycare.
My parents are in their early sixties. My mom was a SAHM and my dad is retired. It is a ton of work and they say that two days is more than enough (sometimes it is more if someone is sick). It is easy when they are babies but once they are mobile it is a lot tougher. They are exhausted by the end of the day.
I have also talked a lot to one of my friend's moms about this. She said she was really gung-ho to babysit 5 days a week but her daughter said it would be too much so they watch them two days. The mom said she is so happy because of the same reasons my mom said.
My parents never say no unless they have plans but their schedule is also dominated by the obligation. My parents have to schedule appts. around the kids schedules. And it has definitely made my mom a bit resentful in that sometimes she feels that she is taken advantage of, this is one of my siblings (I think she is right) but she will never say anything because she doesn't want to damage the relationship with my sibling.
I am not saying this to discourage you, but to think about it as a whole picture.
Oh, my parents have paid for their insurance since my dad sold his business 7 years ago. They have individual plans (it was cheaper than a husband/wife) and no pre-existing health issues. They pay around $1,300 a month for a high deductible plan. It has worked out for them since they are both healthy but they cannot get dental insurance as individuals.
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." - Unknown
Given the financial considerations for you and your H and the fact that your DD has ready daycare (aka friend's licensed place), I think a good compromise would be to keep working but be the backup care for your grandchild for the occasional sick days and weekends. To me that's the ideal set up. We love our current daycare and, having my mom nearby really covered all the basis for us.
When my kids were born, my mom and my sister watched my kids full-time. My sister wanted to be a SAHM so I paid her, but it still saved us money. Then she didn't quit her job, but that's another story. Anyway, she lives with our parents, so my nephew obviously lives there. For a myriad of reasons it just wasn't working for me, so when they were 8 months old I put them in daycare part-time, and my mom has watched them 2 days a week since then. I feel like it's a very good balance for us. To send them full-time to preschool would cost us $500-600 more a month, so it's a substantial savings, and my mom truly enjoys the time with them. I will say that she has a very different relationship with my kids than she has with my nephew - she's definitely more like a parent to him. When I found out that I was having twins, she immediately said that she would watch them full-time, but it was way too much for her (of course, there were two, and three if you include my nephew, who's 5 months older).
Knowing that the kids were with my mom, who I could text and call a million times a day, made it easier to go back to work, and I'm grateful for that. The one thing that I wished when she watched them full-time (and still wish now to an extent) is that my mom had been more upfront with how she was feeling. I am constantly telling her that if she needs a week off from the kids or wants me to look into full-time preschool to let me know. I think she feels like if she says she needs a break, that's an insult to the kids. Hell, I danced in the car the whole way to the airport for my last business trip! I love my kids, but they're freaking exhausting. I think what you want to do is a wonderful thing, and it can be great for your, your DD, and your upcoming grandchild. My biggest piece of advice is just to be open and honest about what you need if your end up taking care of the baby.