So... my H is getting bullied at work

[Deleted]

This is so weird, and I have no idea what to tell him. Apparently, some dude keeps making fat jokes and being an 8th grader. He's mostly doing it in a chat room they all use (he's a computer geek).

He obviously isn't going to report it to anyone. But, it's making him feel like shit. Like, he's talking about getting a Lap Band to lose weight.

I feel so bad for him and I want to go punch this guy in the nuts. I just don't know what to say to make H feel better.

[janiejones]

Why won't he talk to someone? Chat rooms at work should still command some decency.

I want to nut punch the other guy too.

[iamgrace]

What a fucking dick. He absolutely should tell someone.

[underwaterrhymes]

Why isn't he going to report that shit? I would.

[Deleted]

Would your H's really go to HR to report that a CW called them fat?

[underwaterrhymes]

Well, my H is the boss at his job so it would be pretty stupid for anyone to pull that crap with him, but you bet your sweet ass if anyone was making comments like that to me, I would first tell them to knock it off, and if they didn't, I'd go to HR.

I have zero problems with standing up for myself and that is hardly professional behavior. It is verbal harassment and if he's made it clear it bothers him and the guy is still doing it, reporting it should be the next step.

[Deleted]

Sept 3, 2012 18:20:35 GMT -5 @jezebel said:

Would your H's really go to HR to report that a CW called them fat?

Repetitively where everyone else can hear/see? Fuck yes I would. It's called a hostile work environment and this doucher needs to stfu!

[eb777888]

Sept 3, 2012 18:20:35 GMT -5 @jezebel said:

Would your H's really go to HR to report that a CW called them fat?

No, he wouldn't. I see your problem here.

[Deleted]

He works with all guys and it's just a very "dude" sort of environment. They all pick on each other to a certain extent.

[janiejones]

I think standard protocol is to tell the person to knock it off, and if that doesn't solve it go to HR or management.

But bullying at work is serious in Ontario these days after a few workplace incidents that ended really poorly. Everyone has to receive anti-harrassment training if they work for a place with 5+ employees.

[ohiowan]

Sept 3, 2012 18:17:50 GMT -5 @jezebel said:

This is so weird, and I have no idea what to tell him. Apparently, some dude keeps making fat jokes and being an 8th grader. He's mostly doing it in a chat room they all use (he's a computer geek).

He obviously isn't going to report it to anyone. But, it's making him feel like shit. Like, he's talking about getting a Lap Band to lose weight.

I feel so bad for him and I want to go punch this guy in the nuts. I just don't know what to say to make H feel better.

Get gussied up and go shamelessly hit on him at work? Or he could quit using that chat room? Or he could punt him in the face.

Remind your h how awesome he is. If he's really serious about it, start exercising with him (walks or whatever is your thing). Help him change his eating habits if that's an issue.

[speckledfrog]

Has he done anything to try and stop it?

[underwaterrhymes]

If this is that type of environment, does your H dish it out in return?

[ralphlauren]

Sept 3, 2012 18:20:35 GMT -5 @jezebel said:

Would your H's really go to HR to report that a CW called them fat?

Not a chance

[bonquiqui]

This is sad

[Deleted]

I asked him if he says something back, but he says he doesn't have anything on the guy except that he wears the same thing every day. lol

But, no, my H isn't the type to be a jerk to a CW.

[Deleted]

Sept 3, 2012 18:29:08 GMT -5 bonquiqui said:

This is sad

I know! He said yesterday, "Did we flash back to the 80's? Am I in middle school?"

[speckledfrog]

Can he at least tell him, in a dude way, to knock it off? If the other guy doesn't realize how obnoxious he's being then he doesn't really know to stop.

[ralphlauren]

I think I might be in the minority but I think your husband needs to stand up for himself and NOT tell HR.


In a guys envirnoment guys tend to bust ball and say stupid shit each other. Maybe that is what is happening here.

[Deleted]

Does the CW know that he's crossing the line, or does he think they're just joking around?

[Deleted]

I'm honestly not sure how much he has said to the dude. I know he would normally not take shit from people, but his weight is a super-sensitive spot for him. My guess is that if the guy is making these comments in the chat room where other CW's can see, H is probably too embarrassed to really say anything. I think he ignores him, but feels bad about it.

[ohiowan]

How long have they worked together and how long has it been going on?

[Deleted]

He's worked at this company for awhile, but I think he just started working with this guy.

[Deleted]

I am not sure a same sex co-worker calling another co-worker fat really constitutes a hostile workplace or legal harassment (unless you live in SF) but your DH still needs to put on his big boy pants and deal with it, either by approaching the guy directly and telling him to shut up, making the guy look like a jackass, or going to HR. I would probably report the guy; if it were my DH, he would probably del with it more directly. Either way, your DH's weight loss is a completely separate issue from whether he should let a co-worker get away with bullying him.

ETA - In that situation, I would probably make a comment like "why are you looking? Do you get off on that?" That is bad advice and he shouldn't do it; but it is still what I'd say.

[ohiowan]

Could he turn the comments around and just say what he said to you "are we in the 80s again? Is this middle school?" maybe if he points it out to everyone he'd leave h around to avoid looking like a db?

[underwaterrhymes]

I definitely think your H needs to stand up for himself and either start giving it right back, or tell the guy to fuck off.

[Deleted]

I'd probably mention it in the chatroom whenever the "jokes" came up such as, "cool story, bro, are we gonna talk about your mama next?"

If it didn't stop, then I would definitely speak to HR but instead of saying omg, he called me fat, I'd tell them that someone is making constant offensive and derogatory comments about my appearance and has refused to stop even when asked. I'd tell them that it makes me feel uncomfortable and it's starting to make work an uncomfortable place to be. If pressed further about the nature of the comments, I'd say they were about my weight.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I know he probably needs to just put the guy in his place... and really, it's none of my business. We both need to work on eating better and losing weight. Maybe if his self-esteem were a bit better, this guy's dumb comments wouldn't bother H so much.

Anyway, speaking of eating, I've gotta head to dinner.

[Deleted]

Sept 3, 2012 18:40:44 GMT -5 frkls said:

or "your mom seemed to think everything was teh right size when i bent her over my kitchen table."

gotta fight stupid, vulgar and offensive with stupid, vulgar and offensive!

I'm not sure getting sexual explicit in a work chatroom is the best way to get a guy to stop calling you fat.

I'm just saying.

[underwaterrhymes]

frkls has the right idea.