Telling people struggling with IF about PG

[y4m]

I have two direct reports who I know are both struggling with fertility issues. Both have had miscarriages (one announced a pregnancy and then later faced the difficult decision of terminating that pregnancy). Neither is pregnant now (to my knowledge anyway) but I know both are trying. They've both been relatively open with me about those struggles.

Anyway, I'm pregnant and will likely go public at work in the next few weeks. I want to tell them personally so they don't hear from others and as sensitively as possible.

Any tips for doing that? We are not typically physically present together (we all work remotely), though I could find a time to do it in person if I worked at it (but I think your advice may be NOT be to do it in person so they can process privately). We also have regular 1:1 calls and also email and text obviously.

Really appreciate any thoughts from people who have been there. Thanks!

[pinotgrig]

I agree with telling them in email or text so they have time to process and don't have to deal with their emotions face to face with you. I asked a similar question for a close friend and this was the feedback I got - pandce.proboards.com/thread/497777/wording-text-sound-ok

[cairo]

Please don't do it in person. Send them an email or text and give them time to process. It's incredibly difficult to immediately put on a happy face for yet another person you know announcing their pregnancy.

[genet313]

Email or text them first before you publicly announce and catch them off guard. Acknowledge their struggles and ask how they are doing if they want to share. Let them know you are rooting for them and thinking of them. Even that is comforting.

But Be prepared for a delayed response to give them time to process. It's hard to be on both sides of IF.

[miamigirl]

I agree, text them or email them before so they have time to process. Good luck!

[bcarp30]

boiler717 had an excellent, not response, but guide? So to speak for how to tell someone. She may be able to find it or replicate. That's really thoughtful of you to think of them.

[boiler717]

It's so kind of you to think of them. I think it's great that you will be able to them via text or email, and hopefully individually so they aren't blind sighted.
I think before I said something like "I'm sorry to text/email you this, but I didn't want you to be put on the spot. I am expecting and due at the end of the year. I look forward to hearing from you about ABC project in our next one on one!"
My advice would be:
- avoid "I'm pregnant!" Those are really hard words to hear
- also avoid baby
- I think it's nice to acknowledge its hard to hear but I don't like platitudes such as "I know you're next!" Or "I hope you're pregnant soon!"
- wait for them to bring it up in future conversations and don't elaborate much beyond their question

[spankswife]

I had a similar issue. I IM'ed the person privately and told him I want to tell him personally, and before everyone else knew. I didn't say anything about his issues, I kept it about my pregnancy bc I did t want to say the wrong thing.

He was appreciative and later came by to congratulate me in person.

[pugz]

email

[boiler717]

Also, if you can send the email after hours that would be AMAZING

[VillainV]

Jun 4, 2016 10:29:30 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

Also, if you can send the email after hours that would be AMAZING

Eh, only if you can be sure they'll get it after hours. It would suck to get into work and open email to see this kind of message.

[y4m]

We are email after hours people for sure. You think a Friday night so they get the weekend?

[y4m]

You guys are awesome btw. Thanks so much.

[ECB]

Jun 4, 2016 10:02:57 GMT -5 genet313 said:

Email or text them first before you publicly announce and catch them off guard. Acknowledge their struggles and ask how they are doing if they want to share. Let them know you are rooting for them and thinking of them. Even that is comforting.

But Be prepared for a delayed response to give them time to process. It's hard to be on both sides of IF.

I gently disagree with this.  Leave their struggles out of it.  Don't make your pregnancy announcement about them/ don't try to comfort them and then make it about your pregnancy announcement - if that makes sense.  

I like what boiler wrote (even though I'd leave out the work comment).  I just say that you hate to do this via email but you wanted them to know first and I 'd end it with a simple "I'm thinking of you".  

[ECB]

To add, while obviously you want to show that you care, you just don't know what each individual person will want or need. That's why I think simpler and to the point is best. If you say too much, there is more room for saying something that will upset them even more.

OR if it will upset them at all. Depending on where they are in their journey, how they process this information - you don't want to go overboard in assuming that they'll be upset and hurt. KWIM? Yes, chances are it will hit them on some level. But just be careful about assigning feelings to them.

[julianabixby]

Agree with the pp's that an email or text ahead of time would likely be best. It always helped to be able to respond in private when hearing someone else was pregnant. Even though I was happy for them, it was still hard when I first heard the news.

I think it's really sweet and thoughtful of you to take their feelings and experiences into consideration when announcing. I know they will appreciate that too!

[redwino]

boiler717 is spot on. The wording of her email sounds much more like here some information than an announcement, which is what you want to avoid. I wouldsend the email on a Friday because the last thing I want to read during the start to my relaxing weekend is anot someone's preganancy. I actually would prefer toward the end of the daY on a weeknight.

[boiler717]

Jun 4, 2016 12:45:24 GMT -5 redwino said:

boiler717 is spot on. The wording of her email sounds much more like here some information than an announcement, which is what you want to avoid. I wouldsend the email on a Friday because the last thing I want to read during the start to my relaxing weekend is anot someone's preganancy. I actually would prefer toward the end of the daY on a weeknight.

That's exactly what I was trying to do but didn't know how to word it!

[Mrs.flang]

This is the text I sent my cousin. "I realize this is probably so tough, but I did want to tell you privately before word gets out... But Mike and are expecting, and due in August. "

Eta- sounds a lot like boilers suggestion, that might have been where I got it from!

She responded that she appreciated it and congrats and then went radio silence for a few days. So I think for CWs having the weekend would probably help. Good luck and congrats!

[jewel]

Jun 4, 2016 10:02:57 GMT -5 genet313 said:

Email or text them first before you publicly announce and catch them off guard. Acknowledge their struggles and ask how they are doing if they want to share. Let them know you are rooting for them and thinking of them. Even that is comforting.

But Be prepared for a delayed response to give them time to process. It's hard to be on both sides of IF.

I know it really depends on the person, but I hated stuff like this, and especially disliked hearing it from a newly pregnant person. It puts the infertile person in the position to feel obligated to respond to the announcement similarly. Like "Oh, no, I'm totally fine. I'm so happy for you!" Which, barf. I wasn't fine, and I would prefer to just congratulate you on your pregnancy in a totally separate way from my infertility. If that makes sense? But again, that's just me, and I know that other people really appreciate the support and acknowledgement.

I think it's nice of you to make an effort to make it easier on them. I think by sending an email at a time when they can have some time to process and respond is acknowledgement enough of their struggles.

ETA - I agree with a PP, that it's possible that at any given time, I would be totally fine and happy for the person. It would have been really awkward for someone to make a thing of how tough it was for me to hear, if it actually wasn't.

[genet313]

ECB and jewel i hear that. I am coming from a place where almost no one in my real life knew we were going through IF. Like only 3 people knew about it, one of whom had IF herself and recommended my RE.

So if i was close enough to someone to have told them of my struggles, I would have appreciated the ask if that person was pregnant. For me it showed caring...even though the announcement is all about the PG person, it was nice to not be forgotten. And feeling yet again left behind.

So OP I do agree with PPs to not ask concurrent with your announcement unless you are truly close enough to know the ask will be appreciated.

[ECB]

Jun 4, 2016 14:39:02 GMT -5 genet313 said:

ECB and jewel i hear that. I am coming from a place where almost no one in my real life knew we were going through IF. Like only 3 people knew about it, one of whom had IF herself and recommended my RE.

So if i was close enough to someone to have told them of my struggles, I would have appreciated the ask if that person was pregnant. For me it showed caring...even though the announcement is all about the PG person, it was nice to not be forgotten. And feeling yet again left behind.

So OP I do agree with PPs to not ask concurrent with your announcement unless you are truly close enough to know the ask will be appreciated.

That's why it's so hard!!  Different people want different things.  And really- part of this is how well you know the person you're talking to.  As this is a work relationship (largely), I think it's best to take a "less is more" approach.  But if you know that the person on the receiving end would want more, then of course give more.  

[awick14]

I'm late to this but I agree that a text message outside of work hours would be awesome.

Like maybe text them Friday night and tell everyone Monday at work. And make sure to include which day you will tell others so that they are able to prepare for people talking about it.