Do you think it's too soon?

[usedtobebear]

Do you think it's too soon for me to go on a semi-date, in the midst of divorce, separated since May, I don't feel ready to start dating yet as I'm still dealing with a lot of drama from stbx and lawyer stuff.

BUT,

I med a guy this past weekend, he's only in town for 1 week, leaves on Saturday. He is visiting his sick Grandpa about 2.5 hours North of where I live. He's from Nashville, super cute, he even met my Mom (we met at a bar at a golf course at a Lake I was camping at over Labor Day)
We have been texting and he seems nice and he wants me to take a half day off on Friday and meet him half way and go on a hike/picnic or something.

Good idea or bad idea? I am actually willing to do this to get to know him and I would actually like to have an out of town fling or whatever it might be. I can already tell I'm going to suck at dating because I'm already over analyzing and think that it's not going to happen anyway which I'm sure is a result of my stbx always saying he would do something and then backing out. So, I already have no faith in men at this stage in my life.

[doriswe]

Who cares if he's blah blah blah....you say "I'm not ready to date"....so don't date. You'll thank us later!

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 10:33:56 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

NO. Thanks for reading my mind and posting this though.

If you don't feel ready to date and you have no faith in men, why the hell do you think you're in any place to start dating?! OMFG. Seriously?!

Because he's only in town for 1 week, so it's my only chance to hang out with him and I was really attracted to him and we've had good conversations so far. Did I mention he's super good lookign and I'm a sucker for hot guys, lol...

[jade28]

If you have to ask if it is too soon, then it is too soon gosh darn nit!!!

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 10:36:07 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Who cares if he's blah blah blah....you say "I'm not ready to date"....so don't date. You'll thank us later!

But I justify this in my mind that it's not really 'dating' since he's flying out of here in 4 days and I likely won't see him again, unless we like each other and who knows what could happen. I think it could be good practice for me, especially if it's hiking in the day time which would mean no drinking, which would be good for me!

[doriswe]

Seriously, I didn't even read the whole thing because YOU said "I'm not ready". I suspect you'll fuck yourself all up if you hook up with him. You're not emotionally ready to deal with the shit that comes along with this.

[dakotadangerdog]

Sept 5, 2012 10:37:22 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 5, 2012 10:36:53 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

Because he's only in town for 1 week, so it's my only chance to hang out with him and I was really attracted to him and we've had good conversations so far. Did I mention he's super good lookign and I'm a sucker for hot guys, lol...

Then fuck him and leave him. If he doesn't live in town, even better.

THIS

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 10:37:22 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 5, 2012 10:36:53 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

Because he's only in town for 1 week, so it's my only chance to hang out with him and I was really attracted to him and we've had good conversations so far. Did I mention he's super good lookign and I'm a sucker for hot guys, lol...

Then fuck him and leave him. If he doesn't live in town, even better.

I would definitely make out with him and him not living in town is the only reason I'm even considering this! I'm in Utah he's in Tenneseee, it's kind of ideal, lol.

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 10:39:53 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Seriously, I didn't even read the whole thing because YOU said "I'm not ready". I suspect you'll fuck yourself all up if you hook up with him. You're not emotionally ready to deal with the shit that comes along with this.

I kind of agree, but this isn't my first 'rodeo' since my divorce, I've already made a few errors in judgement, lol. I just like the distraction from my crazy stbx.

[Deleted]

I don't know about taking time off to see a random dude. But it's more a hook up, I don't consider that dating.

[livinitup]

If you just want a half-day break from your life and this seems fun and a good excuse, then sure.

But you're doing all these weird imaginings in your head that this isn't a date, but a good test ... but won't happen anyway, but you like him ... And it got really really complicated. So, no.

[achase123]

Well, since he's hot that changes everything.

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 10:48:22 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 5, 2012 10:43:51 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

I kind of agree, but this isn't my first 'rodeo' since my divorce, I've already made a few errors in judgement, lol. I just like the distraction from my crazy stbx.

Therapy? If he's hot, fuck him. Then go to therapy.

I go to therapy every Thursday so that is taken care of, PHEW!! I'm definitely not going to Eff him in the woods on our hike, but I would make out. Oh, and he just broke up with his girlfriend two months ago so that probably gives you even more reason to side eye me, ha ha.

[sparkles17]

Don't do it. You should not be dating until you are emotionally ready. The amount of time that it takes to get to that point is different for everyone (I didn't date until 14mths post divorce) but you stated that you aren't ready, so don't do it.

[doriswe]

Sept 5, 2012 10:57:51 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Well, since he's hot that changes everything.

Mwahahahaaaaaa

:Y: :Y:

[Deleted]

This is a disaster waiting to happen. You'll totally end up developing feelings for him, in fact I think you already have. Cut ties and avoid the hurt.

[lovelybb]

Sept 5, 2012 11:07:45 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

This is a disaster waiting to happen. You'll totally end up developing feelings for him, in fact I think you already have. Cut ties and avoid the hurt.

:Y: :Y: :Y:

[explorer2001]

You said you are not ready. Honor that and honor yourself by giving yourself what you need. If you are not ready what is motivating the desire to go out with him? Do you not want to be mean by saying no? Do you want to please others (family, friends, him, society) by dating because you are "supposed to"? Do you feel some kind of pressure? If do, don't go. Honor.yourself. Have fun with your friends. Don't date until you.are ready. Hugs.

[achase123]

I have to add that I started dating XH when I was FRESH out of another long-term relationship and was not ready at all. It was one of those things where I just told myself I couldn't help how I felt and just had to go with it, blah, blah. The problem was that my picker was way off because I hadn't healed from my last relationship and was TERRIFIED of being alone. I put up with all sorts of crap in the beginning stages of dating that should have sent me running for the hills (first date XH said he'd been in jail before, he didn't have a driver's license, he was blind drunk on like our third date, etc).

When you date before you are ready you are very vulnerable and could end up in a less than healthy situatio because you simply are NOT ready.

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 11:19:57 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

You said you are not ready. Honor that and honor yourself by giving yourself what you need. If you are not ready what is motivating the desire to go out with him? Do you not want to be mean by saying no? Do you want to please others (family, friends, him, society) by dating because you are "supposed to"? Do you feel some kind of pressure? If do, don't go. Honor.yourself. Have fun with your friends. Don't date until you.are ready. Hugs.

I guess I'm not ready to date, like actively date and put myself out there like that. For some reason I think this is different since he's only in town for a week and it's only hanging out for a day. I also think the distraction is good for me right now. I am so ready to move on from my divorce and start a new life, but I do think I'm damaged by my dysfunctional marriage and who knows when I'll be ready to date. Hugs to you too, sorry you're having a tough time right now!

[Deleted]

Sept 5, 2012 11:29:03 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

I guess I'm not ready to date, like actively date and put myself out there like that. For some reason I think this is different since he's only in town for a week and it's only hanging out for a day.

Here's what will happen, trust me. That day will turn into pretty much hanging out with him the entire time he is here. At some point you will discuss how awesome this is and you two will decide to keep in touch after he leaves. That will probably lead to you getting your hopes up about visiting him or him visiting you and that may happen. Then you have this weird long-distance "thing" that inevitably won't work, but will cause lots of confusion, anxiety and sadness. Seriously don't lie to yourself about this "one day" thing.

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 11:34:26 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Sept 5, 2012 11:29:03 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

I guess I'm not ready to date, like actively date and put myself out there like that. For some reason I think this is different since he's only in town for a week and it's only hanging out for a day.

Here's what will happen, trust me. That day will turn into pretty much hanging out with him the entire time he is here. At some point you will discuss how awesome this is and you two will decide to keep in touch after he leaves. That will probably lead to you getting your hopes up about visiting him or him visiting you and that may happen. Then you have this weird long-distance "thing" that inevitably won't work, but will cause lots of confusion, anxiety and sadness. Seriously don't lie to yourself about this "one day" thing.

I agree that this might happen. All I know is I plan to be single for a long time and have no desire for a relationship. But, I do want to meet different guys and date different people eventually and long distance sounds very appealing to me. I'm sure I sound naive but for now I don't care. And when I really think about dating, my biggest reason that I'm not ready is fear of hurting my stbx and him finding out. Ugh!

thanks for all the advice ladies...

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 12:16:02 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 5, 2012 12:06:59 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

I agree that this might happen. All I know is I plan to be single for a long time and have no desire for a relationship. But, I do want to meet different guys and date different people eventually and long distance sounds very appealing to me. I'm sure I sound naive but for now I don't care. And when I really think about dating, my biggest reason that I'm not ready is fear of hurting my stbx and him finding out. Ugh!

thanks for all the advice ladies...

If you think your only reason that you're not ready to date is because you're afraid to hurt your XHs feelings, then you have no idea how not ready to date you are. Sounds like you're copping out because you didn't like what we had to say. All you're giving is excuses. You wanna date him? Go for it. We will be here to say that we told you so when you come back crying. Do what you want. You already made up your mind.

Actually no, I really appreciate the feedback and advice everyone has given me...all of our situation's are different and unique. You can only gather so much from a message board. I am a little hesitant which is why I posted to get the feedback.

[jojoandleo]

Sept 5, 2012 12:16:02 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 5, 2012 12:06:59 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

I agree that this might happen. All I know is I plan to be single for a long time and have no desire for a relationship. But, I do want to meet different guys and date different people eventually and long distance sounds very appealing to me. I'm sure I sound naive but for now I don't care. And when I really think about dating, my biggest reason that I'm not ready is fear of hurting my stbx and him finding out. Ugh!

thanks for all the advice ladies...

If you think your only reason that you're not ready to date is because you're afraid to hurt your XHs feelings, then you have no idea how not ready to date you are. Sounds like you're copping out because you didn't like what we had to say. All you're giving is excuses. You wanna date him? Go for it. We will be here to say that we told you so when you come back crying. Do what you want. You already made up your mind.

Agreed. Why do people come on here asking for advice and then promptly give excuse after excuse for why the advice they don't want to hear won't work. If you just wanted a pat on the head and a cookie, you shouldn't have asked us. YOU know it's too soon, WE know it's too soon, but you are going to do what you want to do. When it all blows up in your face, at least you can say he was hot.

Ya know, every guy I dated because, well, he was HOTT! Ended up being a first class douche bag. Like the guy who I caught making out with another girl while I had been in his bed the morning after. Or the guy that threw my phone across the room for texting another guy (my best friend, who happens to be gay, and he knew that). Or the guy who I found out was actually married when his wife called me. That one was awesome!

So, yeah, good luck!

[bullygirl979]

Sept 5, 2012 12:26:29 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

I'm going to go against the grain just a little bit. IF you're a person that can go out, have a good time and remain rational and realistic about the situation, then yes, go! But if you are in any danger of developing feelings then no, don't even tempt fate.

I went out with a guy about a month out of my 10 year relationship. He was cute, funny, strong, friend of a friend, made a decent living, etc. Being out with him made me realize how much fun dating could be and that no, my life wasn't a mess or ruined because of my horrible break up. He made me feel beautiful, and wanted, and we had a great time in bed. But I knew that I was in zero danger of developing feelings. And I didn't. He knew that too. So it was a great pick-me-up and confidence booster. And, I still run into him about every other month and we always have a great time and lots of laughs. He's turned into a decent friend.

So that's my small bit of advice and story. Don't do it if you're already crushing on him. Do it if you can be realistic about the situation. Only you know what you're feeling.

I agree with you to a point. I think your readiness and mindset have a lot to do with it. I am hanging out with a guy that I am not interested in being with long term. But I feel like I AM ready to date so I am realistic about my feelings and could walk away whenever. But if you are still feeling negatively about yourself/relationships/men, then I feel it makes you more vulnerable to get into a whole shit storm of drama because you won't be clear headed enough to see it for what it is, kwim?

[bowies]

I read your post as if it were written in glitter ink on a Lisa Frank binder. Omagah, hotttttt boyyyyzzzzz!

Trust your first instinct - you're not ready.

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 13:14:28 GMT -5 bowies said:

I read your post as if it were written in glitter ink on a Lisa Frank binder. Omagah, hotttttt boyyyyzzzzz!

Trust your first instinct - you're not ready.

I fully admit I'm a little boy crazy, it happened quickly after stbx moved out, I think I've been supressed sexually for too many years...ugh!

[bullygirl979]

Sept 5, 2012 13:22:18 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

Sept 5, 2012 13:14:28 GMT -5 bowies said:

I read your post as if it were written in glitter ink on a Lisa Frank binder. Omagah, hotttttt boyyyyzzzzz!

Trust your first instinct - you're not ready.

I fully admit I'm a little boy crazy, it happened quickly after stbx moved out, I think I've been supressed sexually for too many years...ugh!

It is very normal to have a "whore" period after a split like this. But recognize that your insight and judgment SUCK during this time period. Whore it up but recognize that you will be making a lot of mistakes and will probably get hurt.

[obladi]

This is a bad idea. It is very apparent that you already have developed feelings for him that are going to go nowhere due to distance. You think this is a perfect opportunity but it is just a recipe for heartache. Your judgement is skewed but it is very obvious from the outside looking in.

[usedtobebear]

Sept 5, 2012 14:54:30 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Also, OP, you have to be careful that you're not just substituting one hurt for another as a way to avoid dealing with the pain of your divorce.

It's much easier to go out with a guy, develop feelings then (predictably) things don't work out which takes the focus off your divorce and puts the focus on a much easier "break up" to manage.

I only suggest that because I found myself wanting to jump into other relationships that I knew had no hope of working out because it was easier to focus on them rather then working thru the difficult feelings. Thankfully I recognized this and worked hard to not fall into that trap.

Very good advice, thank you. I recognize that I'm definitely doing this, I kind of feel like nothign will ever come close to the cluster fvck that is my divorce and I welcome any distractions. I feel like it's impossible for me to get hurt at this point, but obviously that isn't true. I have talked a lot about this in counseling after hooking up with an ex bf earlier this summer. I'm really trying to be self aware but I'm bound to fvck up here and there and make mistakes. Which, if I do meet up with the dude on Friday and it ends up being a mistake, I'm confident I'll survive it and be able to move on. "NEXT"