Post by estrellita on Aug 23, 2016 19:48:50 GMT -5
I do feel a little jealous when people my age are building houses or buying ones much nicer than ours, but that's about it really. I don't care about clothing brands as much as I did as a teen, and I don't care that much about having nice things. We have a toddler and cats, we CAN'T have nice things But really, I'd rather spend less money and save it for other things like vacations and stuff.
I don't covet the stuff my friends and neighbors have, but I am jealous of some of the career achievements a few friends from grad school have. I have had to quit jobs and move a few times for my H's career, so I haven't progressed al that far. It's frustrating to see my good friend, who literally started the same day as I did at a company, now promoted very high, while I'm still applying to jobs at pretty much the same level I started. I mean, she is much more driven than me, but I feel a little jealous none the less.
I think there is a difference between occasional jealousy and "keeping up with the joneses". Am I sometimes envious that more well off friends can afford things I can't? Sure. But I'm not about to put myself in debt or work myself to the bone to emulate them.
Maybe because I grew up never having anything nearly as nice as my peers so I'm just used to it, but I just don't really care about "stuff" anymore. I don't really envy other people for their things.
I would like to move out of CA and buy a house, but we're actively working toward that and I'm pretty content with what we have right now.
Maybe its also partly because my one year anniversary was yesterday and I'm 5 months pregnant, so considering how shitty my life was just two years ago, this is amazing.
Post by pizzapizza on Aug 23, 2016 20:06:36 GMT -5
A couple of thoughts on this.
- You will never win. Someone will always be prettier/more successful/smarter/richer/skinnier/etc than you. - What is your purpose in life? Think about that some more. Does keeping up with the joneses align to that purpose? - Imagine you are on your deathbed, do you think that these things would matter to you much?
I was wasting some time today on Instagram (I really haven't spent much time on there at all and I don't plan on it). All these curated posts seem so fake. Maybe some people have these lives and honestly good for them. But that is not real life for the majority of people. I am not a big believer in social media because of this.
Also most of us are all lucky as fuck with our lives. I try to reflect on that too.
I have a minivan with a cool box. I mean life doesn't get better than that
I have a rule with jealousy, I have to take the whole package, not just the thing I am jealous of.
It saves me every time.
You can always find someone to be jealous of if you look at a specific aspect of life, but if you look at the whole of their lives, kids, spouses, jobs, extended family, other commitments, exercise regimes, shopping time, maintenance time (those fab houses don't take care of themselves), I bet there are very few people, if any, you would trade with.
I also never try to guess someone else's finances. You never know their situation.
I remember this from another time you said it and thought of it as I first read this thread. Great way to think! And so true about never guessing finances.
We have several very wealthy friends, some from family money, some from combo family and work, and a few completely self made. We are not any of that, but are comfortable ourselves and comfortable hanging out with them. I admit to having moments of thinking my house (which really is awesome) is too small compared to theirs to host, but 7000 sq ft is not required to host a group of friends and they do not care.
I tried to "keep up" in my 20s and it earned me nothing but debt and a divorce. I'm so much happier in my 30s when I finally gained the maturity to pick and choose what was truly important to me. I mean, I'd love to live in a brand new house that didn't require a ton of upkeep, but having a huge mortgage would cause my anxiety to spike. Realizing this helps to keep my jealousy at bay.
I really do love my life even though it isn't Pinterest perfect. I was actually thinking about this the other day when I was sitting in traffic behind a big boat of a car (an 80s Oldsmobile I think). It just brought back such feelings of childhood comfort. I didn't care if it was fancy.
We've done well for how old we are, so I think we might be "The Joneses" to some of our friends- but then I look at other friends of ours with trust funds and multiple vacation homes and family planes and think, nope, never going to be on that level. And that helps me with perspective.
I try to focus instead on how much we've accomplished on our own and be content with that.
I also think quite often of some great advice my dad gave me - and that I didn't really "get" until recently:
The key to happiness is saying no and meaning it.
My H has friends that upgrade their house every few years. They keep trying to sell us on their current neighborhood. To buy in there we'd have to double our mortgage. It's a really nice place with great amenities but I don't feel any regret in declining to explore it for ourselves.
This doesn't bother me at all. I think it helps that i have never been into brand name things. I don't care about designer purses, shoes, clothes etc. The flashy signs of wealth are not my thing. I care more about how much we save and since people don't talk about that much it's easier not to compare. I bet there are people who get jealous of all the vacations take because they see that. They don't see that we take those vacations because we get a travel budget with DH's job so that we can visit our families. But it's so annoying and expensive to visit them we use the money to go on a bunch of cheaper vacations instead. Alone. With no help. In a country I have few close friends in and where I don't speak the language. There are trade-offs to everything so just because a person has X, that doesn't mean they have it all. And it certainly doesn't mean they are happy, which is the most important thing.
My h is the opposite of me regarding money. Like, he hates talking about it. He thinks our house is too big etc.
Also, we went to his principal's house last Christmas. It's massive and probably the most gorgeous house I have seen. I actually asked if I could take photos for my Pinterest lol. She is a principal and her h is a teacher. I'm really not sure how they afford that house.
If there is one thing you learn very quickly in my line of work, it's that money doesn't equal happiness.
I am competitive by nature, and DH and I are also sort of both spenders. But I couldn't tell you who we are trying to impress. Our friends? Not really. Our family? Ourselves?
We don't care about cars or designer clothes, but we do spend freely on outsourcing and dining out and such. We just bought a forever home which is by far the most expensive of our circle, but we skipped the starter home.
We earn far more than either of us ever grew up with, but obviously there are always others who have more (and so many with less).
We try to focus on giving back in a huge variety of ways, maintaining a global perspective, and are conscious of the lessons and values we want to pass on to our kids about money.
My h is the opposite of me regarding money. Like, he hates talking about it. He thinks our house is too big etc.
Also, we went to his principal's house last Christmas. It's massive and probably the most gorgeous house I have seen. I actually asked if I could take photos for my Pinterest lol. She is a principal and her h is a teacher. I'm really not sure how they afford that house.
LOL. SEE!!! This is where my insecurities come from!
My h is the opposite of me regarding money. Like, he hates talking about it. He thinks our house is too big etc.
Also, we went to his principal's house last Christmas. It's massive and probably the most gorgeous house I have seen. I actually asked if I could take photos for my Pinterest lol. She is a principal and her h is a teacher. I'm really not sure how they afford that house.
LOL. Â SEE!!! This is where my insecurities come from!
Honestly. I suspect they have money problems. Mathematically, they cannot afford that lifestyle on their salaries. I feel like the same is true for our mutual friend who is also a teacher. I remember a couple of Christmases ago we went to get Santa photos at B- mall and she had to get the cheap package because her h had said they had no money that month. She couldn't to get the $16 photo package but she rocks all the designer brands. That was an eye opener for me.
rugbywife this part " I was raised upper class and DH was raised lower middle class. I think he is happy with what he has, is comfortable with our standing in life, so to speak, whereas I wonder if I feel like a failure because I haven't maintained the 'status' that I was raised with. " is how DH feels. He makes a good salary but it is 1/10th of what his dad makes so he feels like he isn't doing well enough. This is despite getting 3 promotions on 4 years and full bonuses while working in O&G!
That is saying something in this climate!
Also if O&G salaries can't compare with his Dad's income then I think even trying to compete is futile.
I know!
He kind of fell into consulting for O&G after school in part because of his weird combo of majors (molecular biology & international relations). While his dad is in big law (i think that's the term) & a partner for a big international law firm. I'm so grateful he recognizes his work life balance is MUCH better than his dad's is (who is currently being forced to retire) & is slowly coming to terms that just because he makes less it doesn't make him less.
Post by indifferentstars on Aug 23, 2016 21:08:35 GMT -5
I don't have any desire to keep up with the Jones but I do struggle with occasional jealousy of all the cool things they have and do. I truly don't want a fancy, big house or designer things but it'd be nice to have the option.
Usually, I just try to remind myself we have different priorities. Sometimes it works, sometimes I just have to wallow a bit before I can move on. We choose to live on a tight budget so I can stay home for now and I try to focus on that being a privilege. I'm going to try using the advice above about looking at the whole picture and not just the jealousy inducing fancy house or trip or whatever next time the green monster rears it's ugly head.
I totally struggle, as does DH. Him more so than me, because he's older. I try to remember where my parents were at my age, and so far, I'm doing "better" than they did. But DH's parents were well off at this stage of their lives, and DH feels like he can't match up with them. My MIL was able to SAH, and DH apologizes to me occasionally that he doesn't make enough money for me to do so. We also live in the "poor" section of our subdivision (and it's wisely acknowledged and joked as such), so there is a lot of local comparison, and a lot of our local friends appear to be leading better lives than we do.
We have a nice house, IMO it's nicer than anyone else's that we know IRL. We will never be able to afford anything nicer and I wouldn't want any bigger.
I like having nice vehicles but I don't care about luxury really. We will probably be buying a new car next summer and it will be an Explorer or an Acadia. Those are the max that we want to spend on a vehicle. I don't care enough to buy something that we can't afford.
I am jealous of people who have the money to travel but travelling with a 2YO doesn't sound like a lot of fun either.
I am also jealous of really skinny people. I don't want to live on chicken and veggies though, I love food too much.
So I guess I have moments of jealousy but I don't feel the need to keep up with other people.
I'm pretty happy with our life and really have no desire to keep up. There are certainly things out of our budget that I wish we had or could do but that's not really keeping up with the joneses.
It does bother me when I get comments about our lifestyle. No, I don't need a 3,000 sq ft McMansion and all the trendy clothes and a million activities for my kids and cable, etc.
I definitely have moments of jealousy here and there. But at the end of the day I love the life I've built with my husband and kids. We're happy and healthy and I think my kids are going to look back on their childhood with fondness.
I guess my advice is...be confident in who you are and what your life is. If you're not happy, figure out why and do what you can to change it. But at the end of the day, it's just stuff. And money isn't going to make you happy.
Post by icedcoffee on Aug 23, 2016 21:17:55 GMT -5
I struggle with jealousy of people who don't have to ever worry about money. They say money can't buy happiness, but it can definitely make stress go away. Not worrying about the cost of IVF or how long my H was unemployed would have been such a relief.
I don't worry about keeping up with the Joneses when it comes to cars or house though. I like my Honda and plan to drive it into the ground. My house is exactly what I wanted. Would it be nice to renovate more? Yes, but I don't lose sleep over it except when stuff breaks.
I admit to twinges of "oooh" when I see a big beautiful home or see my friends doing, buying or wearing xyz awesome thing around town or on Facebook, but we still kind of live like the students we were when we met - we own a less expensive home within our neighborhood, drive modest cars and there's nothing flashy about our clothes. Sometimes I wish we spent more living it up, as we can certainly afford it now, but it's just not consistent with who we fundamentally seem to be. I mean, we have two small, messy children who logistically keep us somewhat grounded and not that interested in owning nice things, and our big hobbies are reading free library books (me), following markets to get a deal on something (him) and running, which is practically free (both). Some of my friends would probably be surprised to know the size of our net worth because we aren't flashy about it at all.
Maybe one solution if you're feeling jealous of others is to donate money or give something away to reset your perspective? I always try to give away more each year than we did the year before.
Post by closertofine on Aug 23, 2016 21:32:05 GMT -5
I don't generally feel the need to keep up with anyone.
My sister and her husband are doing very well financially, but I know how conservative and careful my sister is. And I know how much her husband travels for work. No thanks.
I have a lovely home, the nicest on my street. This year my yard has gone to pot though, so I do feel badly for my neighbors, though I don't actually feel badly about it myself, if that makes sense.
The only real envy I can identify right now is in regards to cars. My car is really a piece of shit and I really need a newer one. I'm embarrassed of it, which I know is dumb, but I am.
This is interesting, because I definitely like nice things and know how priveledged we are. My H sometimes is flabbergasted at the number of trust fund babies in our little town. Like, how do these people have a lake house a buy a new car every other year and have 5 kids? Not that he necessarily wants those things, he is genuinely puzzled.
I take the long view on a lot more stuff. Both of us have student loans, we are paying for our own kid's education, no family $$ for a down payment, I work in academia, etc.
I do often feel out of place like a loser in middle school because I don't have the local "cool kid" stuff. Example: at parents' night for Caramini's K, I came straight from work and clearly did not get the memo about what to wear: white jeans, platform clog sandals, flowy tank, tassel necklace. My H even noticed and said, "You are NOT getting a bid from this sorority in your dress pants and blazer!". Very Stepford wife-ish. Womp-womp.
I don't really feel like this IRL, but I do struggle sometimes on MMM. It seems like everyone here is doing so much better financially. I have to remind myself that we aren't typical of the population as a whole.
Post by chickadee77 on Aug 23, 2016 22:11:43 GMT -5
Honestly, I could care less about this. H doesn't care about "keeping up," but he does have more material wants/"needs" than I. He also grew up in a fairly wealthy home, whereas I did not. As he gets older, he's coming more to my way of thinking, just because he sees how much $$$ goes to upkeep on the "things" he wants. The more shit you have, the more it takes to maintain it. And that can be a huge PITA.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what we have, but I'd be just as (if not more) happy with less.
ETA: Oh, and we live in an area of the country that is known to be pretty wealthy, but funnily enough, after living here for awhile, H is way more like, "Meh," whereas in his 20s and 30s it probably would have sparked some not-great personality attributes.
I try not to compare because we had our oldest when we were relatively young for our peer group so we never had time for being DINKs, and even where we live now, most of his friends' parents are 5-10 years older than us. We also are really dedicated to keeping our fixed expenses as low as possible because it's something that makes me anxious. We have different priorities than a lot of people we know as far as what we spend our money on. Our cars are seriously old as shit.
We are ready to upgrade our house and cars for a variety of reasons now and even though we both agree, and have run the numbers, we are dragging our feet and half ass make moves to accomplish these things.
The only time I ever feel bad is when my mom is the one asking questions and judging which is stupid because she's terrible with money IMO. So I shouldn't care what she says because I don't want to live like she has in the past. Most of my insecurities about what we have are more tied to my ADD though. I struggle to finish decorating rooms and get overwhelmed and shut down but am too cheap to hire someone to do it. Even when medicated, I really struggle to stay on top of household tasks and finishing things. Like it could be a lot better but I'm a total fail at certain things.
I have zero desire to keep up. We live in a small apartment, drive inexpensive cars, and have minimal possessions. We have so much freedom with our time and money.
That said, we were on track to keep up with the middle class joneses for a while until we really calculated the cost of a bigger house, newer cars, etc. and realized we would be stretched to the max. We watched our friends rush headlong into it and now they are hurting. Why follow? Making an intentional decision to live small was definitely counter cultural and people notice, but I feel confident that were doing the right thing. We can afford to splurge when we want, we save, we travel, we just don't have the flashy stuff.