Keeping up with the Joneses...

[rugbywife]

How do you do with this? Is it something you struggle with or does it not bother you at all?  If it bothers you, how do you deal? If it doesn't bother you, any insight into how to care less?

[patbutcher]

I struggle with this internally. Externally you would never know because we live in a "modest" house for my area, drive average cars in a world of Mercedes and audis etc but it is hard. This area is so wealthy and as the house prices go up, it's getting more and more.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed that we only live in a semi or whatever which is so dumb.

The only thing that keeps me grounded is remembering that 1. My house/ life is amazing by UK/ my childhood standards.
2. Kids remember experiences and love not how big their house was or what car mum drove.



I am not bothered by clothes or name brands for stuff which helps. I also am aware that we had zero family help and got no money as wedding gifts unlike a lot of people. The fact that I bought a house on my own at 30 after only 2 years in Canada (before I met h) is something I'm proud of and I try to focus on that.

[bullsgirl]

We pretty much have the smallest house in one of the nicest neighborhoods in our city. We don't have enough money to keep up with any of the Jones' around here, so I decided early on not to care. Honestly I kind of laugh at all the monster SUVs and purses worth thousands of dollars around here. They don't equal happiness, and really what's the point??

[ECB]

I definitely see what others have and may have twinges of jealously. But I don't actually go and buy stuff to literally keep up with anyone. If its something I truly like and can afford, sure. But not because "oh, if they have that, I have to have it too".

[ilikedonuts]

DH struggles with it a lot. He always wants a new car, bigger house etc.

I'm sure its hard because my two best mom friends have basically unlimited money and live in almost million dollars homes (and we are not in a HCOL area). So he feels like we are always surrounded by it.

I'm not really concerned with it though. Not quite sure why it doesn't bother me like it does him.

[rugbywife]

Aug 23, 2016 18:50:53 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

I struggle with this internally. Externally you would never know because we live in a "modest" house for my area, drive average cars in a world of Mercedes and audis etc but it is hard. This area is so wealthy and as the house prices go up, it's getting more and more.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed that we only live in a semi or whatever which is so dumb.

The only thing that keeps me grounded is remembering that 1. My house/ life is amazing by UK/ my childhood standards.
2. Kids remember experiences and love not how big their house was or what car mum drove.



I am not bothered by clothes or name brands for stuff which helps. I also am aware that we had zero family help and got no money as wedding gifts unlike a lot of people. The fact that I bought a house on my own at 30 after only 2 years in Canada is something I'm proud of and I try to focus on that.

I love you.  Thank you so much for your honestly...I think you totally get what I feel based on your comments...

My OP came because I am feeling all kinds of feelings about people coming to my house tomorrow - people who work in my system.  We live in one of the least expensive areas of town, in a small house that isn't much to look at, esp. in comparison to most of my admin colleagues and many of the teachers who work in our system.  

I feel like we should 'have more to show' for at this point in our lives - except I really mean my life, because I am older than DH, and have a position in the board that is superior to his.  I feel like people are going to come here tomorrow and be like, 'oh, I expected more', or whatever, which is dumb, and vain, and ridiculous, I know, and yet...I don't know it is something I think about. 

I just don't think we will ever be that family that lives in a 900k house. My principal's house is worth over 1mil, I mean, he bought it for like 400+k, but he lives in Oakville, and now it is worth 1mil.  DH's principal, who will be here tomorrow, his house is in downtown Burlington and is easily worth 1mil (I have been to his house, it is GORGEOUS).  I just don't know what to do with this ridiculous feeling. 

[rugbywife]

Aug 23, 2016 18:56:03 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

DH struggles with it a lot. He always wants a new car, bigger house etc.

I'm sure its hard because my two best mom friends have basically unlimited money and live in almost million dollars homes (and we are not in a HCOL area). So he feels like we are always surrounded by it.

I'm not really concerned with it though. Not quite sure why it doesn't bother me like it does him.

This is what is interesting to me. I doesn't bother DH in the least. He couldn't care any less. And yet it bothers me. I just wonder why I am insecure about it.

[ilikedonuts]

Aug 23, 2016 18:57:40 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

Aug 23, 2016 18:56:03 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

DH struggles with it a lot. He always wants a new car, bigger house etc.

I'm sure its hard because my two best mom friends have basically unlimited money and live in almost million dollars homes (and we are not in a HCOL area). So he feels like we are always surrounded by it.

I'm not really concerned with it though. Not quite sure why it doesn't bother me like it does him.

This is what is interesting to me. I doesn't bother DH in the least. He couldn't care any less. And yet it bothers me. I just wonder why I am insecure about it.

I sometimes wonder if its because my husband was raised lower middle class and I was raised upper class (and my parents are still extremely well off). My husband always says he felt like he needed have better and do better. I never had to keep up with the joneses in the first place so I never have been concerned by it even as an adult.

(do i sound like a total asshole? I absolutely do not mean to if do so I'm sorry if I do).

[rugbywife]

Aug 23, 2016 19:00:47 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

Aug 23, 2016 18:57:40 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

This is what is interesting to me. I doesn't bother DH in the least. He couldn't care any less. And yet it bothers me. I just wonder why I am insecure about it.

I sometimes wonder if its because my husband was raised lower middle class and I was raised upper class (and my parents are still extremely well off). My husband always says he felt like he needed have better and do better. I never had to keep up with the joneses in the first place so I never have been concerned by it even as an adult.

(do i sound like a total asshole? I absolutely do not mean to if do so I'm sorry if I do).

Lol, not at all. Ironically, I think DH and I are in the opposite situation. I was raised upper class and DH was raised lower middle class. I think he is happy with what he has, is comfortable with our standing in life, so to speak, whereas I wonder if I feel like a failure because I haven't maintained the 'status' that I was raised with. Even more ironically, I have learned as an adult that while we were upper class, my parents were horrible with money and they were often in considerable debt and my father still is (despite being a doctor and making lots of money).  I make less, we as a family make less, but are better with money overall...which is why we didn't sink all of our money into a house and become house poor, instead we decided to buy well within our means. 

[pinkdutchtulips]

Internally it tears me up, externally I don't show how much it bothers me. I just have to remind myself that's I'm a single mom W zero child support - if there were 2 incomes it'd be a completely different story. The fact that I can survive SF's VHCOL on my own is accomplishment enough.

[Marmee]

I am a lot like patbutcher

We have a lot, much more than most people but in our "circle" (AKA neighborhood/private school parents) we are pretty low on the financial totem pole. I am self-conscious about it TBH. And it seems like it's getting worse & worse...my kid's classmates now **generally** live in $1M+ homes (in a MCOL city), my neighbors are buying homes (like ours in size/age) for twice or more of what we paid, THEN spending months & hundreds of thousands upgrading/updating on top of already really nice homes. Granted I SAH & we have twice as many kids as most people here plus we have money tied up in lots of non-showy things (properties)---I try and take solace in that. Otherwise, I gotta be honest, we can't keep up so there is really no use in trying.

[rugbywife]

Aug 23, 2016 19:03:28 GMT -5 @boognish said:

I have basically zero interest in keeping up with anyone. I've never been interested in designer stuff or status items because they're really only impressive if very few people own them or they're very expensive, and I find most of them ugly as hell and lacking any kind of character, ie- Michael Kors bags, Coach anything, etc.

Luxury cars don't do it for me because they basically look like any generic sedan with fancier finishes until you get into the super high-end sports cars, which I find horrifically ugly most of the time. And also, speed limits exist and I would never drive those cars as fast as they're made to go, so who gives a shit? And maintenance is more expensive, as is basically everything else to do with owning them. I'm not a fan of throwing money into the wind so I look fancy, so hard pass.

I also realize that many, many people living these lavish lifestyles that people want to keep up with are buried in debt for it, and I'm not down for that struggle either.

I like to live modestly. It's just my nature.

Okay, this is also interesting to me...I feel the same way when it comes to fashion and cars...I drive a kia SUV, lol.  I have no interest in ever having a 'luxury' car.  And I don't care enough about clothes to own really expensive ones. I do have some more expensive tastes (I like apple products, expensive cameras and lululemon) but other than that, I don't wear expensive clothes - in fact, just the opposite.  

Apparently my issues are only house related. lol. 

[spunkarella]

I don't care about this. I could make some guesses but I don't for sure know why. I imagine it has a lot to do with growing up dirt ass poor and knowing lots of people, mostly in my family and hometown, still living in or close to poverty.

If anything, I get embarrassed when we buy nice things and catch myself making excuses about how it was such a good deal or we saved a really long time, etc. My family's general outlook growing up was to see wealth as something shameful, selfish, or untrustworthy.

[ewall]

No, we do not keep up with the Joneses. On certain aspects like having a cleaning lady and a lawn service? Oh yeah, I'm totally jealous of my neighbors, but too frugal to pony up the cash for those. (It's okay, the neighbors on the other side of us are dirty hippies  We are literally the neutral ground between the two.)

A couple things keep us in check. We have very defined financial goals to focus on instead. We embrace frugality because we like to be "different." We are already better off than our families were at the same point in life. And finally, we live in a very low cost of living area with quite a bit of poverty so flaunting our good fortune is uncomfortable and kind of a dick move in my opinion. 

[brandienee]

I struggle a little. Our house was the nice one in Jersey. And we have an okay one here. I just don't like that it's brand new.

I mostly struggle with going to the mall and seeing all the people who are put together and look perfect. Or going to a coffee shop and looking at people doing important things. I like to pretend I have important things to do. Lol.

[namasteak]

rugbywife this part " I was raised upper class and DH was raised lower middle class. I think he is happy with what he has, is comfortable with our standing in life, so to speak, whereas I wonder if I feel like a failure because I haven't maintained the 'status' that I was raised with. " is how DH feels. He makes a good salary but it is 1/10th of what his dad makes so he feels like he isn't doing well enough. This is despite getting 3 promotions on 4 years and full bonuses while working in O&G!

[rugbywife]

Aug 23, 2016 19:16:12 GMT -5 @starry said:

I have spot jealousy a lot. Like I will see one of my friends of much higher income posting fantastic pictures of a vacation to facebook and briefly feel bad for myself. For me what helps is I allow myself to wallow for a minute but then I remind myself that I have enough of the things that are important to me. I really do not need any more material things than I currently have.

I have been more conscientious about increasing charitable giving this year and I find it is helping me a lot with my outlook. I consider myself a jealous person but I have really gotten a lot better about it.

Except people with unicorn babies. But I'll be over that one day once I'm sleeping again

I think both of these points are great.  My DH is so generous with our money (lol) and I need to be more so. 

[scm1011]

I don't care about this one bit, nor does DH. I'm glad; it seems exhausting.

[mskitkat]

Our difficulty is feeling like we have to keep up with our families. DH's parents' house is $1M+. His brother and brother's wife are both doctors, and not just GP. Super highly focused makes a ton of money doctors. My sisters, one makes double what I do and has decided not to have kids. The other has no money yet but is on a career path to. So DH and I, despite being very comfortable, are the very poor siblings.

I keep reminding myself that we chose this life and we are happy with it. It's tough when I see my one sister jetting off to Thailand just because!

[rugbywife]

Aug 23, 2016 19:17:31 GMT -5 namasteak said:

rugbywife this part " I was raised upper class and DH was raised lower middle class. I think he is happy with what he has, is comfortable with our standing in life, so to speak, whereas I wonder if I feel like a failure because I haven't maintained the 'status' that I was raised with. " is how DH feels. He makes a good salary but it is 1/10th of what his dad makes so he feels like he isn't doing well enough. This is despite getting 3 promotions on 4 years and full bonuses while working in O&G!

I still struggle with not feeling like I did well enough in terms of my education and career.  My parents had very high expectations for their kids...I ended up with three university degrees and I STILL don't feel like I made the right choices (for them)...I am not a doctor or a lawyer, I make 6 figures but won't every make in the 200s/300s, like my dad did.  My brothers only finished high school...I think the pressure our parents put on us really messed with our heads. It made my brothers feel like they could never be good enough.  My youngest brother, who just turned 29 years old yesterday, just posted a meme about how he was a disappointment...which, unfortunately, he is, and my father isn't silent about it. 

[meltoine]

Up until very recently almost all of our friends had the same job as MH and made the exact same amount of money, down to the penny, and had SAHWs, so our lifestyles were pretty similar. I wonder what it will be like now that that isn't the case anymore.

[Jalapeñomel]

Doesn't bother me at all.

[Deleted]

I'm like patbutcher and @marmee. We do well but are not in the top of our very well off town and I'm self conscious about it sometimes. We have one of the smallest sfh in a town where the average price is now 1mil. We drive modest cars and I don't own a bunch of designer clothes or bags.

I try to take a step back and look at my life objectively. We have a lot to be thankful for and we have done it on our own (many people in my town have a lot of family money). We also value experiences and travel over things. So even if I tried to keep up we never would because we spend our money differently.

I will say though, like you, my biggest hang up is my house. I don't know why, it just is. Something gets me knowing that we live in our small 12/1300 sq ft house while J's classmates are living in 1,2,3 or 5mil homes. I almost skipped taking J to a birthday party for a friend from our music class because I felt intimidated by their 6mIL home. And then I realized how stupid I was being because that shit is never going away and I need to just stop.

[imojoebunny]

I have a rule with jealousy, I have to take the whole package, not just the thing I am jealous of.

It saves me every time.

You can always find someone to be jealous of if you look at a specific aspect of life, but if you look at the whole of their lives, kids, spouses, jobs, extended family, other commitments, exercise regimes, shopping time, maintenance time (those fab houses don't take care of themselves), I bet there are very few people, if any, you would trade with.

I also never try to guess someone else's finances. You never know their situation.

[cjcouple]

It doesn't bother me at all. You can't buy a happy life.

[rugbywife]

Aug 23, 2016 19:26:17 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

My dad had a power job (actuary who started a successful small business) but he worked at least 60 and usually 80 hours per week my entire childhood. I was like lol nope and married a guy who feels the same way I do. Our combined hhi will never be as high as my dad made but I'm so happy with what we've got.

This is why I didn't go into medicine.  I had no interest in my father's lifestyle.  


I am so grateful for what we have.  I don't want my feelings to imply otherwise...although perhaps they suggest that I am not as grateful as I should be!

[Velar Fricative]

I'll be honest, I feel like we should have more to show for the money we're making. Our HHI with a family of 3 is more than 8 times the HHI of the working-class family of 6 that I grew up in. My parents were never homeowners, and I lived in apartments and always shared a room growing up because my father (the only person earning an income) was a building super so we got free housing that way. We could afford the basics, but not vacations, activities, etc.

We're doing great. We have a nice attached house with just the right amount of room for a future family of 4. We're happy with our two non-luxury cars that we will drive until they die. We can afford stuff. But we also have student loan debt up to our eyeballs and I always tell myself that this is why, despite having a high HHI, we can't afford a detached house, nicer cars, nicer clothes, etc. And yet, if not for that student loan debt, we wouldn't be making the money that we're making. So I try to remember that too and that brings me back down to earth, as does thinking about how I grew up.

ETA: Also, I'm happy that we make our money on the up and up because that's not typical of families around here lol. No ties to the Mafia!

[Deleted]

Velar Fricative, that's what I think all the time - this is not what I thought making this amount of money would look like. Not at all. But we also have a lot of student loan debt and I have to remember that. But without it we wouldn't make what we do.

[rugbywife]

Aug 23, 2016 19:37:06 GMT -5 Velar Fricative said:

I'll be honest, I feel like we should have more to show for the money we're making. Our HHI with a family of 3 is more than 8 times the HHI of the working-class family of 6 that I grew up in. My parents were never homeowners, and I lived in apartments and always shared a room growing up because my father (the only person earning an income) was a building super so we got free housing that way. We could afford the basics, but not vacations, activities, etc.

We're doing great. We have a nice attached house with just the right amount of room for a future family of 4. We're happy with our two non-luxury cars that we will drive until we die. We can afford stuff. But we also have student loan debt up to our eyeballs and I always tell myself that this is why, despite having a high HHI, we can't afford a detached house, nicer cars, nicer clothes, etc. And yet, if not for that student loan debt, we wouldn't be making the money that we're making. So I try to remember that too and that brings me back down to earth, as does thinking about how I grew up.

ETA: Also, I'm happy that we make our money on the up and up because that's not typical of families around here lol. No ties to the Mafia!

This is exactly how I feel.  lol. 

[Marmee]

Also I'm not one who grew up envious or ever really felt this way until recently. But it was maybe because I was around people who were mostly in my ballpark or we (my family) was on the upper end of our town. I am kind of surprised I've had such a hard time with it here. I think it mostly relates to the people I am around, they are mostly (as another parent puts it) "climbers"--they are highly educated & successful so they are moving through on their way up. There is an attitude, I can't quite put my finger on it...but it's like people are looking to have relationships with mainly others to elevate them (financially or socially/status) a lot (aka network). I do neither do I feel like I'm largely ignored. I really don't care for it at all--however I feel stuck for a variety of reasons so we deal.